Met a girl with Bipolar, gone bad

[Jules981120]

met a girl from bumble and we went on 3 dates. Everything was going well, we had long talks about what we wanted from a partner in a relationship and what we think we did wrong in our past relationships.

I texted her yesterday asking if she'd ever pick me up and drive me in her car on days when I'm tired since I drive all day for work. After I said that I said "Cuz trauma lmfaooo" in which I was referring to me driving my brother all around and being the "3rd parent". She took that as me referring to me being my ex girlfriends Uber and she then went off on me about how I compare her, and am "testing" her.

She went to sleep and texted me in the moring that she didn't want me to think she was giving me the silent treatment, since I told her I don't like it when my ex did that to me.

And basically she went to therapy today, came out of it, and told me she didn't wanna see me anymore and that she didn't like the way I made her feel by being super blunt whenever she talks to me. She had also said she used to be very blunt and she realizes she is sorry for being blunt to her friends because she says she doesn't like how it feels.

I feel this got blown out of proportion when I wasn't even referring to my ex gf originally, but my brother, and she took that and went off in 10 different directions.

She said she was also mad that I didn't know why she was mad, and that I couldn't see her Pov even though she explained it 5 times to me.

I asked her if she was this upset because of the bipolar because I had no other idea what it could have been, which of course, led to her calling me a A-hole.

I am planning to return her her jacket to her driveway and leave it there with a note and her favorite flowers. But I don't want to break any boundaries, and thats why I'm thinking of leaving it on the driveway and not the front door. Her ex boyfriend egged her house, so I guess me giving her jacket back isn't too bad?

I had also asked her why would she have sex with me, ask me out, all on the first date, if by date #3 she was gonna blow up over such a tiny thing? It's like super hot and cold and idk if she was having a bad day or something but she took it so personally which I didn't mean to do.

Was I wrong? She really was cool and we did like each other, she sent me back her money from our dates without me even asking about it, and told me to throw out her sweater she left in my car.

We are blocked everywhere since I had asked her to block me, when I get attached to someone, id rather them block me so I know I can't see them or even know they exist. Knowing that person is there, but I can't have them, hurts more then not seeing them at all.

Today was supposed to be our fourth date

I think you asking if behaviour was because of bipolar is a bit like if a woman’s a bit upset with you and you ask her “are you on your period” it’s a big no no unless you know the person so well and know they are ok with that, and even then has to be said in a caring way

i kind of think maybe you aren’t prepared for a relationship with someone with mental health, it’s fucking hard work, sometimes hurtful and upsetting, for both people. Bipolar can be such a tricky one too because it needs medication or the person with bipolar can act in ways that the average person cannot cope with

I see what you mean about the equivalent of a period. My bad. A huge bad mistake on my part. I was thinking of dropping off her jacket with a apology letter and her favorite flowers on her driverway or on her car. Am I wrong?

I don’t think you’re ready for relationships. You sound like you are not emotionally mature or able to read the room, or predict responses to whatever is coming out of your mouth. Perhaps you should consider therapy yourself.

When she explained her point of view to you 5 times what were you responding? How did that lead to you mentioning the bipolar?

How old are you?

You've had 3 dates. It hasn't worked out.

She sounds like hard work and is obviously not well mentally, why would you want a relationship where every little thing you say may cause a huge blow out like this?

It seems like you're both in a bad place and don't need a relationship right now.

Just move on. Post the jacket to her.

Why did you not speak in person or on the phone to explain the misunderstanding.
Drop of the jacket, sweatshirt, and leave.
You can explain in a letter, but what will trigger her next.
Do you want to rush into something when you are unaware of her bi polar issues.
Then you have your own experiences and history along with her will. It works well, is the question.
It is great she has therapy, but they will always empower her and only have her side of the story, which can you see what your future with this person will be,
You have only 3 dates, which is still way too soon to know each other.
Remember, whatever is going on, you can not fix or help everyone.

I stopped reading after I'd read you'd been on three dates and then she didn't want to see you anymore.

At that point in a relationship you really don't need to start unpicking why it didn't work out. Just move swiftly on. She's said she didn't like the way you make her feel. Regardless of anything else that is enough not to see someone again.

I think you sound kind & ready to accept that what you wrote was misinterpreted by her (the downside of text messages) but I would move on from this & find someone who is less troubled & won't have you worrying that something you say innocently will be taken the wrong way. I should imagine your feelings are hurt.

You were talking about previous relationships - what had and hadn't gone well.

Then you made a reference to some past trauma and she thought you were referring to an ex girlfriend.

I can see why she would assume that. She doesn't know you, your family history or your life so of course she would assume you were referring to the poor relationships you had already discussed rather than doing mental gymnastics and assume you were referring to a family situation where you felt like a 3rd parent.

It would have been a huge leap for her to come to that on her own wouldn't it?

You made a flippant, light hearted comment which was more of a 'note to self' than a comment to her without giving her any context for it.

And she drew a logical conclusion for that. The simplest answer is usually correct. If someone says something to me, especially in the early days of dating, I take them at face value. You have to. Because you have no other context for anything they say.

The correct response would have been to apologise and explain that and understand why it appeared that way to her rather than asking her if it was because of her bipolar.

She is right to have blocked you. You have shown her that you speak without thinking, won't take responsibility for your words/actions and have a complete inability to understand something from another person's perspective.

It was essentially a miscommunication. On a very basic level, you are just incompatible. She needs someone who is going to be open, transparent and understanding. Not someone who will refuse to be able to see from her perspective even when that perspective has been explained 5 times.

Hmm. I think she's somewhat read this right.

It was after date 3. Why were you asking whether she would drive you around and why did she know about 'being your ex's uber'? You were comparing the two and there was only one acceptable answer. What if she didn't want to commit to driving you around at that early stage? Odd thing to ask.

Then yes, very insensitive to pin her response on her MH when you were unable to understand her explanation.

I'm afraid you sound quite twisty and should examine your behaviour here. What did you want to achieve out of asking so early for her to give you lifts in comparison to your ex?

It had nothing to do with your brother if you'd already complained about your ex.

3 dates in should still be fun, not looking to catch someone out. You may not care to admit it but if you are very, very honest with yourself (and there may be an element of self preservation here if you've been taken advantage of in the past), she has seen through you and you have cited her mental health. So, gaslit her.

Leave a note with her jacket if you want but a simple apology for upsetting her. Then leave her alone.

Again, it was 3 dates. Let things play next time rather than asking weird questions to test someone and set your own boundaries re being an Uber whether that's with family or partners.

Were you dating a girl or a woman?

Regardless of everything that followed, I'd have dumped you instantly for a) asking to be chauffered around because you are tired and then b) "cuz trauma lmfaooo" which says so much more about you than "trauma".

You sound bloody chaotic. Why would you ask an almost stranger to drive you around in the first place? Who jokes that giving as sibling (or anyone) lifts is trauma? And who leaves a jacket on a driveway??????

She’s not behaving like that because he has bipolar. She’s acting like that because you’re being a dick. Asking a woman you’ve been on 3 dates with to drive you round, being rude (blunt) to her, and then insinuating that her entirely normal reaction to your dickish behaviour was her fault because of her mental health condition. Leave her jacket in the driveway and then leave her alone.

I agree with @GreyCarpet. She can't have understood what you were trying to say because she had no context. You don't know one another.

If you are ever in a situation again where you feel like you can't drive to a fourth date, don't ask for a lift. Get a taxi or take the bus.

I had also asked her why would she have sex with me, ask me out, all on the first date, if by date #3 she was gonna blow up over such a tiny thing?

She can stop seeing you for any reason.

Absolutely this. She’s not ‘blowing up
over a tiny thing’ - you’ve acted like a complete twat. Who on earth asks a women to drive him around after 3 dates because he’s tired?

Honestly OP you’ve blown it. Let this one go and learn to be a respectful adult before you try and date again.

Exactly this.

How old are you @Jules981120 ?

3 dates in and a lot of time spent talking about what went wrong in past relationships followed by a load of miscommunication/crossed wires/assumptions/whatever does not bode well for the future.

It doesn't sound like either of you are really ready to be with anyone, certainly not each other.

You sound exhausting and I think you need to leave her alone.

Neither of you are ready for a relationship. She has actually done the right thing because this would have ended up as a disaster.

She needs to keep in therapy and it would be a good idea I f you read Doing the work by Dr Nicole LePera at why you become so attached after only three dates.

You both barely know each other.

I can see bonkers behaviour from both of you here. Don’t go to her house.

One thing I have noticed on dating sites is that people wear their therapy/self work as a fashion badge and can still act like a twat becsuse they havnt actually done any real work on themselves

Post her stuff to her, don’t leave it on her drive.

You sound hard work. Why, after just meeting you, would you be asking her to drive you around? All very odd behaviour.

It sounds to me like he had met a woman who knew her worth and wasn't prepared to have some bloke blame his behaviour on her MH issues, didn't want to be held responsible for dealing with his 'trauma', nor have to try and interpret every comment he made without any context and wasn't prepared to be his taxi after 3 dates.

Tbh.

She had sex with you and asked you out because she liked you. Your lift comment gave her the ick but she slept on it, then discussed it at her therapy which means she was making sure her thoughts were not out of proportion or off.

Good on her for doing that, her realised her initial reaction was valid.

The reasonable thing to do is to drop her jacket off, you’re not compatible.