Met a girl with Bipolar, gone bad

[Jules981120]

met a girl from bumble and we went on 3 dates. Everything was going well, we had long talks about what we wanted from a partner in a relationship and what we think we did wrong in our past relationships.

I texted her yesterday asking if she'd ever pick me up and drive me in her car on days when I'm tired since I drive all day for work. After I said that I said "Cuz trauma lmfaooo" in which I was referring to me driving my brother all around and being the "3rd parent". She took that as me referring to me being my ex girlfriends Uber and she then went off on me about how I compare her, and am "testing" her.

She went to sleep and texted me in the moring that she didn't want me to think she was giving me the silent treatment, since I told her I don't like it when my ex did that to me.

And basically she went to therapy today, came out of it, and told me she didn't wanna see me anymore and that she didn't like the way I made her feel by being super blunt whenever she talks to me. She had also said she used to be very blunt and she realizes she is sorry for being blunt to her friends because she says she doesn't like how it feels.

I feel this got blown out of proportion when I wasn't even referring to my ex gf originally, but my brother, and she took that and went off in 10 different directions.

She said she was also mad that I didn't know why she was mad, and that I couldn't see her Pov even though she explained it 5 times to me.

I asked her if she was this upset because of the bipolar because I had no other idea what it could have been, which of course, led to her calling me a A-hole.

I am planning to return her her jacket to her driveway and leave it there with a note and her favorite flowers. But I don't want to break any boundaries, and thats why I'm thinking of leaving it on the driveway and not the front door. Her ex boyfriend egged her house, so I guess me giving her jacket back isn't too bad?

I had also asked her why would she have sex with me, ask me out, all on the first date, if by date #3 she was gonna blow up over such a tiny thing? It's like super hot and cold and idk if she was having a bad day or something but she took it so personally which I didn't mean to do.

Was I wrong? She really was cool and we did like each other, she sent me back her money from our dates without me even asking about it, and told me to throw out her sweater she left in my car.

We are blocked everywhere since I had asked her to block me, when I get attached to someone, id rather them block me so I know I can't see them or even know they exist. Knowing that person is there, but I can't have them, hurts more then not seeing them at all.

Today was supposed to be our fourth date

I can’t say I really understand your reaction either.

Maybe you’re both not ready for a relationship as PP have suggested.

She sounds a bit more more proactive and insightful about her boundaries and limitations though.

• Agree with PP about just why you would be talking about in detail about failed relationships on the first date ?Talking about your hopes for a partner would be fine, as PP mentioned sounds a bit more like reciprocal therapy ie not really ready.
• You jumping immediately to blaming her MH (after 3 dates !) would likely have anyone running for the hills (in my eyes), it sets quite a clear tone for the future.
• Asking her why she would have sex with you is just weird ime also. She gave it a try, decided it wasn’t for her.
• Sounds like she’s managing herself better than you overall ime, re knowing and setting her boundaries, talking to her therapist about them (which is perfectly healthy btw), recognising early that the relationship won’t work for her and therefore calling it a day. Just leave it (if you want to post an apology/explanation, and wish her the best, up to you really). Otherwise just leave it, it just didn’t work out, you barely know each other, she has decided she doesn’t want to pursue it.

Doesn’t really matter who said what, and what the issues are here- having a relationship is supposed to be easy and fun. Especially this early on (I appreciate life tests them at points), but this is just all so much hard work.

Drop the jacket off, leave a note to say sorry if you want but tbh, it sounds like this coming to an end is probably the best for everyone.

she has been clear with her boundaries, you need to respect that. I would recommend therapy to you - it will help with any trauma.

@feelingalittlehorse I feel like this is a more constructive and better summary of it all than my long rambling (just above your post) ☺️

You obviously like her.
But we’ve all met people in life like this, who are to be blunt (as in the post) hard work, touchy and high maintenance.
Move on - it’s not going to get any better.

Hard work!

It's the OP who is asking for lifts and going on about trauma and asking her why she had sex.

Truthfully I don't think you sound particularly tactful or respectful in the way that you speak going off your op.

Joking about trauma is always a bit risky with a new person because you don't really know what actual trauma they've experienced and since you've essentially made an in joke with yourself and given her no context I can also see why she's landed where she has in trying to figure out your meaning. In your post alone you've said she "went off" on you, you tried to invalidate her feelings by blaming it on her mental health, and been flippant about what sounds like domestic abuse and stalking from her ex, that she takes things personally, that it must be a bad day she's having, that she blows things out of proportion.

Meanwhile, she's messaged you so you aren't left hanging, she's been honest about her feelings, reflected on them in therapy and been upfront with you, made sure you weren't left out of pocket and blocked you when you asked.

And at no point have you been self reflective enough to think - maybe I was wrong to make this flippant remark out of context and really try to see her perspective. I think you should leave the jacket back but not the rest because it doesn't seem like you understand what you're apologising for since you're continuing to undermine her in your post. If you really got it, you'd not be dismissing her feelings in that way.

You both sound totally incompatible and it sounds like you could do with learning to be a little more sensitive in how you speak. HRTRFT but if you're a bloke you come off as misogynistic without realising it.

👏

Imagine having 3 dates with someone and it already being this intense.

I have a third date lined up...we're going bowling 🤷‍♀️

Also op you essentially pulled the 'are you on your period or something?' (Is it your bipolar) card and are wondering why she's told you to fuck off!?

And so what if there was sex early on. Plenty of men just ghost women after sex. It's not an i owe you for future contact.

She called you an arsehole because you acted like one.

She may be bipolar (as am I) but she's not a fucking mind reader. How on Earth was she supposed to know you were going on about your brother and not your ex?

That's leaving out how totally inappropriate it was of you to ask her that question about lifts, anyway.

Leave her alone. Forget fucking flowers and returning her jacket. She had sex with you, so fucking what? She could end it for any reason - I certainly would if the person was so fucking thick they couldn't understand my explanation after hearing it 5 times.

How should she have responded to his progressively odder questions then?

But how am I dismissing how she feels? I'm genuinely asking, God this is confusing

I think this has been explained many times and you ae being deliberately.obtuse.

A) you asked if it it was her bipolar talking rather than reflect on what you said or how it may have been perceived.

B) despite her explaining herself 5 times, you refused to even consider it from her perspective.

Both of those things are dismissive.

I asked her if it was bipolar at the time and explained how I asked her that because when my brother is having a bad day, I just ask him if he's having a bad day. She already knew I have experience with my brothers mental health, but it honestly hasn't helped at all in terms of like... dealing with mental health in general I guess

I genuinely don't see how that's dismissive, if I don't know what you mean, I'm gonna ask every possible reasoning I can think of to make it make sense

She was annoyed at you because of your stupid comments. It’s really not hard to understand.

Leave her alone. And stop expecting women to do emotional labour for you.

If you cant see that you have a different relationship with your brother than a woman you've met three times there really is no hope for you!

Can you see how she might have thought your 'trauma' comment related to a past relationship givne that's what you'd been talking about?

A word of advice for the future.

If something you say lands badly or is misunderstood by someone else, the fault most likely lies with your expression of it rather than their interpretation of it. You have communicated badly and the reasons why have been explained.

In these instances, it is usual (if you like someone) to apologise and express yourself in a different way rather than ask them if they're having a bad day/if it's their bipolar/make it their problem.

Besides, she told you 5 times what the issue was. You just didn't want to hear that you were in the wrong.

But you didn't consider the possibility that she might have been put off you by what you said.

You asked her if she was saying what she said because she's bipolar - and not because it was in response to what you said.

I asked her if it was because of the bipolar later the next day, not after she initially misinterpreted my comment about my brother. I instantly said "it's cuz of my brother, not my ex"

TLDR

But she doesn't want all this bollocks. She just wants an ordinary relationship where she goes ice skating on a third date and doesn't get asked to drive her date around or receive texts about trauma.

The thing is, you've posted very little on here but, from what you have posted, you haven't presented yourself in a very good light.

You come across as inarticulate, insensitive, lacking in empathy and hard of thinking as a minimum.

If you want a successful relationship, I suggest you find some way of developing your interpersonal skills and emotional literacy. Because no one here can help you understand if you lack the basic capacity to do so.

Cuz trauma lmfaooo - what does this mean?!

You don't need to ask every possible reason (or at least every reason that somehow makes it not your fault)

She told you the reason. 5 times. All you needed to do was listen

It means he's an idiot.