Having another child has ruined my marriage

[uponarock]

That title sounds awful, like I’m blaming the child (10 months.)

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby … we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time.

I keep wondering where I went wrong.

DH is crap to talk to. Just says ‘oh don’t be silly.’ So that won’t work.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t.

It’s unclear why it’s your marriage that’s ruined? Sounds like general family dynamics? I think as your baby ages and is more interactive then your eldest will come round. You and your DH should put down a firm stance that your 3yr old can’t just have daddy when and where he wants and the same with the baby.

It's really normal for a child to go through a phase of preferring one parent to the other. That doesn't mean you always let them have their way! It's your choice which parent is with which child (or all together) and sometimes your 3yo will have to accept that.

Your thoughts are spiralling and are not grounded in reality.

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby They are too young to even be thinking the way you describe, they are just struggling to adjust to change
we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH this is one version of normal but not necessarily an issue
so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time it is normal for mothers to be mostly with the baby, but if you are unhappy it can be changed.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t. This is very common, classic expression of feeling overwhelmed.

The way you are thinking could be due to tiredness or how hard it is adjusting to two, or you could have PND.

Have you considered speaking to your GP or health visitor?

I thought the newborn phase was bad but the 10 months to about 1 and a half were the worst bit in terms of stress in the home because of sleep and you can't leave them for a second.

Your 3 year old is choosing your dh but is jealous over you. Try to leave baby with dad and just do something together just the two of you. Jealousy is a HUGE HUGE emotion for a small child to deal with. You can't ignore it and hope for the best

@OhMaria2 i did that this morning and regretted it because as soon as we came home he just started being foul to me.

This is something you and DH can fix. Even if baby is breast fed, by 10 months they can be left with Dad. Take eldest out and do something they enjoy. Alternative who does bed time. Love bomb the oldest. Your oldest is acting out because they feel pushed out. That's for you and DH to fix.

Yeah I have thanks … it doesn’t work. He just cries for his dad then is horrible to me when I bring him back, won’t let me anywhere near him.

It’s a bit stressful at the moment.

When you say he, do you mean husband or child? I haven’t seen if you have said if child is a boy or girl

I think three is such a challenging age for most even without the added baby involved. I think you're probably just in a really difficult phase but all you can do is keep making sure the 3yo gets plenty of time with you both

you’ve had a tough day and made a hugely negative extrapolation from it

child yeah sorry … it’s probably me who has been foul to DH but god it’s hard. I do feel a bit low with it all.

are you on maternity leave?

who is primary carer during the week?

Yes and me

@uponarock i do remember thinking that 3 was actually worse that 2 (terrible 2s etc) I always called it “the fucking horrible 3s” in terms of they get up to more, the tantrums can be worse, it feels never ending, exhausting and is so challenging. You are definitely overwhelmed atm, my advice is that you and hubby need to be a team, hubby shouldn’t be excusing bad behaviour, undermining you or accepting bad behaviour, when I say bad behaviour I don’t mean your eldest is naughty, it’s reactionary to feelings they cannot process yet. But if child is reacting badly towards you, your hubby could try giving a time out and telling little one that being mean to mummy is not on. Maybe hubby can take baby for half hour while mummy and toddler dress up and be silly together, dancing around the house etc, you say you took eldest child out for a bit, keep going with that, one on one time with mummy, it will get better in time. Does toddler help you with baby? Getting baby wipes, passing blanket for baby’s nap time, just to help them feel included in baby things? Give it a year and the 2 children will be hopefully getting along and that will lead to teaming up against parents and creating all manner of mayhem.

it does get easier and better as they get older

We’re a long way past a lot of that though - baby closer to a toddler than a baby. And DS would never ever accept doing something with me if DH is around.

Do you get any you time on your own with no kids? Trip to nail salon? Lunch with friends etc.

try not to be hard on yourself, or your hubby, you are a team, it takes a while to work out how to be the best team you can be though, communication and sticking together on parenting (no undermining even if accidental etc)

So for all the many hours he is alone with you and baby…. he’s never happy with you?

Maybe hubby could take baby out somewhere for an hour or 2 every now and then

No, never. It’s a long way off.

I am sorry things are hard for you at the moment.

i think you may be over personalising your toddler’s behaviour.

Have you had a small window to think review your feelings at all - about your PFB who now has a sibling, about your own journey from 1 to 2, about how your DH could be more effective, about how you are feeling within yourself, how your DH is feeling?

It is really easy to use escapism and fantasies about disappearing etc as a way to cope but that doesnt tend to solve anything.

Is it possible to carve out some
time to think a bit.

Do talk to HV / GP or a trusted real life person as well if you can.

When my eldest was 3 and my youngest was a baby was probably the hardest year of my life, in terms of managing everyone’s expectations. It will get better but some bonding time 1:1 would really help (long-term and regularly) and your DH should get on board with this and stop minimising your worries and stress.

10 months is very much still a baby and not closer to. wing a toddler!!

why? your DH can’t handle both for an hour or so?

Why is that a long way off? Genuine question, not sarcasm or judgement

I don’t see a reason hubby couldn’t take baby to the shops for a few essentials, shopping for a present for big brother and mummy, to a relatives house for a visit, to a friends house who has a child similar age, the park, for lunch etc

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. Having two toddlers is very hard work.

( And please can you quote whoever you're replying to)