Having another child has ruined my marriage

[uponarock]

That title sounds awful, like I’m blaming the child (10 months.)

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby … we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time.

I keep wondering where I went wrong.

DH is crap to talk to. Just says ‘oh don’t be silly.’ So that won’t work.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t.

It’s not a newborn, she’s nearly 1.

Okay.
So what was your relationship like with your son, when it was just you and him?

How soon after you had your daughter did your son show resentment to you?

And have you asked your doctor for help?
Medication, talking therapy?

Is your health visitor aware that you're feeling like this?

I apologise for upsetting you with this comment I made, honestly was not my intention, as I said I was trying to shock you into thinking about this differently. If there is not solution to do with the baby, and yes she’s nearly 1, but she’s the baby of the family. Not yet quite officially a toddler, then the solution lies in the issue of how to get past the phase with your son, this is what the suggestions are for, getting you past the phase of your son acting up. He doesn’t mean to be doing this, it’s natural at his age with a younger sibling. He loves you very much, you, his dad and his sister are his whole world, he doesn’t know how to process his emotions and doesn’t know yet how to communicate them to you. This is turn is affecting your mental health, suggestions are to do things to improve your mental health, in time your son will get older, wiser, better at communicating and will act up a little less with each month/year

you will get through this, you just have to try things to see if they work, and definitely more than once, tbh ten times may not work, but maybe time 11 or 25 will
once again I’m sorry for how what I said looked

i don’t feel I need medication. I’m struggling a bit with my marriage and with my son. But @TheShellBeach look - ifs hard to say this ‘nicely’ but your posts don’t feel supportive. Maybe they are meant that way in which case I have to say they haven’t come across like that.

I don’t wish to argue and I do feel very much that that’s what you’re about to be frank. If I’ve got that wrong I’m sorry. But it might be best if we tie that up now so as not to have further misunderstandings. The adoption post has really upset me (I know it wasn’t you) and hasn’t made me feel like opening up particularly. Some things really shouldn’t ever be used to ‘shock.’ I’m sure the posters on the adoption board wouldn’t appreciate it either incidentally.

*in which case I am sorry but they haven’t come across like that

@Tanyahawkes please - I’m sorry but I don’t want to engage further. Some things just cross a line regardless of the intent. I really would not make crass comments like that for ‘shock’ impact in future. Like I say I doubt anyone who has adopted a child would appreciate it either.

That’s fair enough for you to feel this way, so I’ll just say I wish you luck with your situation and leave it at that

OP we are all advising that you need some time to yourself because we can all see you are shattered and upset sound close to burnt out. Women are so terrible at putting themselves first because they see it is selfish, but you have to have some time to yourself to be able to give things to other people. You can't pour from an empty cup as the saying goes. My DH and I always made sure we each get an hour or so to ourselves each day on the weekend - whether that's to go for a walk alone, or sit on a cafe with a cup of tea or in the park to read a book or whatever. We each come back feeling more relaxed and refreshed and better able to contribute to the family.

As for your 3 year old, of course it's upsetting for you to be treated so badly, but the very fact he can do that shows you are his safe space. I know it's hard but truly it will pass. Hang in there.

Hi OP,

I haven’t read the full thread but I just wanted to come on and say that you have my sympathies. My second baby was born when the eldest was 3.5 years old and it was a really difficult age gap because of the jealousy.

My eldest child completely withdrew from me and only ever wanted his dad. It was an incredibly challenging and emotional time for me. I used to cry so much because of how rejected I felt.

People kept telling me to have one-to-one time with the oldest but life isn’t always that easy. I kept hoping things would get better but even 6-7 months after birth my eldest son still hadn’t seemed to “forgiven me” for having another baby (that’s how it felt).

Eventually, the only thing that helped was putting my son in pre-school when he was 4, whereas originally he’d always been at home with me and the baby. I think the chance for him to be away from us and be in an environment where he could just be himself without always to be mindful of the baby and just allow him to have a sense of freedom and “time out” seemed to make all the built up anger within him disappear.

He only went to pre-school for 3 days a week but it led to a remarkable improvement in his relationship with me and also his attitude towards his sibling.

Everyone finds different ways to overcome the problem.

Like I said, you have my utmost sympathies because I understand that it’s a really, really horrible and upsetting scenario to be in 💐

@SummerInSun i do appreciate some people mean to be helpful but honestly I do feel when someone has said a few times that no thanks, not seeking that just at the moment, to tell them that therefore what on earth can they want is so arrogant. It’s relationships, I’m seeking advice on relationship with husband and son, the answer to that isn’t to distance myself from them.

My eldest was initially keen on a little brother but discovered he didn't like the reality. They were both dreadful with sibling rivalry and it wasn't always the oldest who behaved worst. They're all grown up now and get on fine.

At different times as they grew up they have been closer to me or my husband. I gravitate more naturally to the youngest and my husband to the eldest. Probably because I am much more like the youngest and my husband is much more like the oldest. My husband worked from home while I was working long hours. At that stage he was probably closer to the children than I was. Then he was overseas a lot and the children got closer to me. So I think things wax and wane.

I would just wait it out with your son. I wouldn't try to force one on one activities on him if it just ends badly. My mother was a nanny and she never left a toddler alone in a room with a baby as a safety concern - she'd obviously had experience with very jealous siblings so it's not a rare thing. What about activities you can all do together as a family - like swimming or a visit to the zoo?

Ok op, so in what was does DSs behaviour escalate when the baby is down for a nap and it's just you two? How does he act towards the baby?

People aren't saying get alone time because pretty nails make things better but because of you sound like you need some personal space and time to just take a breath.

You getting stressed and anxious wouldn’t help you bonding with your DS, kids are very clever and pick up your vibe straight away, speaking from experience.
You say you don’t want to go out on a jolly but you can’t pour from an empty cup OP. You need some me time to have some headspace, it’s so important really, at the early years sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees. That would be my advice, it’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Sending sympathy x

I'm sorry you're struggling op, i have an almost 3 year old and 12 week old it can be rough.

Honestly though leave the kids with your DH, he knocked you up he can watch his own kids for a while on his own.

Just go out for a walk or a coffee you'll feel a lot better.

I’m seeking advice on relationship with husband and son, the answer to that isn’t to distance myself from them.

hell yes it does
why?
you come back feeling more relaxed
your DH doesn’t get to be disney dad and your 3 year old sees that

The problem with you having 1 to 1 time with your DS while your DH has the baby, is that your DS seems to be feeling that you are taking him away from his dad (even if you are doing something really fun together). If your DH had the 2 children together, without you, then that dynamic changes. At the moment your DH can always prioritise the older child. It is very, very hard when your child seems not to like you but he's only like this because he is absolutely confident in your love for him, whatever he does. I would be inclined not to give your DS too many opportunities to be 'foul' to you but your DH needs to back you if he does behave badly.

Op I’m pretty sure this is the third thread you’ve made on this situation and each time it’s clear you need some therapy.

If you are someone different then I’m sorry, they’re just really, really similar threads.

When do you go back to work, OP? I didn't enjoy my last mat leave at all (Covid played a part in that but I was still pleased to go back and be "me" again).

I searched the op earlier after somebody said that and didn’t find any other thread

I am not clear what your h has done wrong ? If you’re jealous of his relationship with dc1 then I understand but you’ve not said that- you say that him telling that you are being silly is the problem. He is right though- lots of children have a preferred parent and the advice of wait it out and don’t take it personally is relevant here.

I do not understand why you or your h can’t take some personal adult time at the weekend and the other look after both kids. People suggest it because it might help you feel less stressed about the situation and feel happiness again, even if it’s temporary . The fact that you don’t want to look after the kids alone for a few hours at the weekend suggests that your son probably knows that you don’t like him much too. Other posters aren’t unreasonable to suggest that you should ask medical help because it could be PND. Have you considered starting small and getting you h to take them both out to the shops or something? The more he does it, the better he will get.

I wouldn’t expect one session of one on one time to cure things. Gaining a sibling is as stressful as a spouse gaining a second wife/husband and it takes time to feel secure again.

There are some very kind and insightful posts here I have used the thanks button for. Unfortunately it’s also been absolutely infiltrated with trolls. One troll is very distinctive and I’ve noticed them on other threads. They post repeatedly, over and over, often firing comments and fixating on something. MN often delete them (and sometimes ban I think) but then they come back with another name.

I probably have posted before. Sorry. Sometimes things don’t solve themselves in a MN approved timescale.

As long as there are kind and insightful posts it helps. But it isn’t helpful to fixate on one thing. Like here - people decided quite early the ‘solution’ was alone time and that DH was the ‘bad guy’ in not giving me that. But RL is more complex than that. There aren’t knights and dragons, just four humans all flawed and wonderful in our own ways.