Having another child has ruined my marriage

[uponarock]

That title sounds awful, like I’m blaming the child (10 months.)

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby … we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time.

I keep wondering where I went wrong.

DH is crap to talk to. Just says ‘oh don’t be silly.’ So that won’t work.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t.

DH hasn’t done anything wrong @SonicTheHodgeheg

Before your baby what was your relationship like with ds?

No one is saying to "distance" yourself from your husband or son, we are saying you need desperately need a break and time to yourself. You are so keyed up and burned out that you can't see the wood for the trees. You are blowing up your three year olds current behaviour like it's the end of the world and it's absolutely not. It's a phase and a very common one, but when you refuse to take time to yourself to decompress, you end up feeling the way you do now. You have got to prioritise yourself, too. Your husband can take care of his children while you get some respite.

I think you sound lovely OP and people seem to think you're desperate for 'me time' which you're clearly not. You do sound a bit overwhelmed though so I can see why people think having a break might be helpful.

Have you played up the 'big brother' role and what a great big brother he is? How does he feel about his sister? Disinterested? Dislike? Is he jealous? Did you spend time in hospital away from him when you had her?

Young kids do go through phases sometimes where they prefer one person or the other, sometimes really strongly. It doesn't mean you've ruined you relationship. Could you reframe it as 'ds is really into dad at the moment' and make the most of that whenever your DH is around? See it as giving you some 1 2 1 time with the baby and a bit of a break from having both of them. Just give him the time to grow up a bit - be there for him as normal but don't stress that you're not number one for him at the mo.

What do you think it preventing you and DH getting on at the moment? Is it how much you're worrying about things with DS or something else?

Your toddler has far too much power in this situation and his dad is not helping matters. He needs to be on your side. Could it be that he is secretly enjoying being Ds's favourite? A good partner would be gently but firmly telling him that acting out with you is not on, yet helping him fathom life with a sibling rather than making you feel bad. As you say baby is no longer tiny.

OP is your eldest in nursery or are you home with both of them during your maternity leave? Just you imply you don't have them together on your own at all. Just wondering if you had them both together on your own it might stop ds from gravitating towards your husband and help him bond with the baby a bit more? It will probably be really hard work but it might set a new normal of both children being together, you could also do things like tell the baby to wait when she cries because you are doing something with DS right now and let him see that he is a priority at times too? Just an idea, might not work.

People are suggesting time to yourself because the tone of your posts sound like your mental health isn’t great at the moment - understandably.

they are suggesting this to help you build the resilience needed to spend that time with your 3 year old, and when he says something mean, you can say something along the lines of “it made me sad when you said that about mummy, because mummy loves you very much” - over and over again until the relationship begins to rebuild.

you said spending time with him makes it worse, but you have to go through it until it gets better.

You feel like posters on here are derailing the thread, but each of your responses is dismissive and defensive. People are genuinely trying to help but it seems like it’s hard for you to see that.

But don't you have both kids on your own a lot of the time? Why would it be so difficult for your DH to have them for a few hours? I think it would do him good to learn to handle them both together and you definitely need a break and a bit of time to yourself. With your 3 year old, try not to take it personally. He is wrestling with big emotions he doesn't understand.

@uponarock if you are willing to, can you describe DS's behaviours in more details?

Did it start in pregnancy or after the baby was born?

Was it a straightforward delivery/pregnancy or were there complications?

Hi OP, I have 2 children very similar ages to yours so I absolutely get how hard it can be with 2. Mine are just turned 1y and 3.5y.

The title of this thread suggests it's about repairing your marriage, but the content suggests it's about repairing the relationship with your 3yo DS so I'll respond to the content. Apologies if that's incorrect.

When my youngest arrived, it changed my relationship with my 3yo too. That's natural I think. I went through a period of what felt like grieving for the relationship me and 3yo used to have. I missed my 'before' 3yo and they made it quite clear they missed me too by their change in behaviour. It's hard to remember but ALL behaviour is communication, it's tricky to work out what they're trying to communicate as they may not have the words to express yet and this was the difficulty we had with my very, very chatty 3yo. Just didn't have the words to express the big feelings so it came out in lashing out at me. I made a concerted effort to reflect on my behaviour and how my behaviour might have changed. I realised I was expected too much independence of my (then 2.5) now 3yo and I was saying far too often that they'll have to wait because Mummy is doing xyz for baby. I realised I was always putting baby first. So I changed my behaviour and started saying aloud to baby "baby you'll have to wait Mummy is helping 3yo first. I love you, but you need to wait." Obviously baby wouldn't understand but 3yo absolutely would be listening. And saying the same to DH too (having spoken to him.about it too) I'd verbalise in front of my 3yo that I was choosing 3yo first, not DH or baby and the others would have to wait. I added in extra "I'm so proud of you" and "I love you" and "you're so kind" at random unexpected times throughout the day, too, "You are loved". Baby nap times we have little treats for the 2 of us, like a game we can't play when baby is around, marble run time, or watching a little TV, dancing outrageously, kids Zumba, and lots of cuddles and tickles. Anything that we can't do easily when baby is around. It isn't an overnight fix, it took a lot of time patience and commitment to it, but we're now seeing the fruits of it and our relationship is wonderful again, so is that of the children to each other.

Good luck OP, it's not easy being a parent. You can absolutely make amends. Take time to yourself that other posters are suggesting, use it to reset yourself, reflect on how you might have changed since baby arrived, come up with a way forward, persevere with it. You've got this.

And absolutely leave your DH with both children. Trust that he can manage, let him find his own way. That will help towards your marriage, too. He trusts that you can care for two children during the week while he works, so reciprocate that trust. Honestly. Even if it might be hard for him, he'll find a way and you'll both appreciate eachother so much more as a result of it.

@uponarock I have only read your replies and not some of the advice you’ve been given.
I can understand why you are upset with the relationship with your son, it’s probably been something you’d never expected to be up against. Have you thought to get an outsider like a therapist to watch how your son interacts with you and vice Versa. See if some changes can be made to improve this relationship.
I can’t see you writing much about exactly is wrong with the relationship with your DH to try and offer some advice … you do sound very unhappy though and I hope it gets better x