Having another child has ruined my marriage

[uponarock]

That title sounds awful, like I’m blaming the child (10 months.)

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby … we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time.

I keep wondering where I went wrong.

DH is crap to talk to. Just says ‘oh don’t be silly.’ So that won’t work.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t.

I really have tried one to one time but it makes him worse.

Hopefully it will get better.

It was literally the person above me so no need to quote.

Do your babies sleep through the night?

I believe it was to me as it fits with what I asked

Sorry.

but surely you have 1-2-1 with him if you’re on maternity leave and baby napping?

Yes - I have said I really have tried one to one time but it makes him worse

it’s baffling that you’re a long way off ever having time to yourself op

does your DH refuse to have both even for an hour?

Why is having the baby alone still a long way off for your DH?

but surely you naturally just have 1-2-1 time when baby napping and your DH and at work?

No, but he isn’t here much so when he is I don’t think it’s fair to shoot off leaving him with both. I wouldn’t like it. Both together are hard work.

I don’t understand what you’re saying. I’m not saying I don’t get one to one time with DS. I’m saying it doesn’t improve his behaviour and in fact makes it worse.

so baby naps

just you and him

you can’t turn on paw patrol, get him a little bowl of treats and tell him to come snuggle with you on the sofa?

@circumventM i can’t make it any clearer I’m sorry.

when it’s you him and the baby… which must be the case most of the time - what’s it like then?

what is he like with his sibling?

I'm also struggling to follow. Sorry OP I know it's hard for you right now. So are you doing things together as a 4 when husband is home or leaving him with both? I get that having 2 is hard work alone but I assume you're doing that when he's not around?

How is his speech for his age, and his understanding of what is said to him? Have you tried to say to him, “you are being mean to mummy, you need to be nicer” and obviously trying to get him to verbalise his feelings as much as is possible for a 3 year old. Reward charge can be effective too for some children, a chart dedicated to one on one time, if he’s mean to mummy he doesn’t get a sticker for his chart, if he’s nice to mummy he gets a sticker, if he gets x amount of stickers he gets a trip to the shop for a sweet or something

I’m sorry people are struggling to follow but I’m struggling with how to make it clearer to be honest. I really am not trying to be difficult in the slightest.

People keep saying ‘have one to one time with the eldest’

I am saying I do but it doesn’t improve his behaviour and in fact makes it worse.

Can someone please explain what’s hard to understand?

Can someone please explain what’s hard to understand?

Why can't you leave both DC with your DH and go out for a couple of hours?

What does the older child do when the younger one is having a nap during the day?

I’m understanding I think, one question I am wondering though is what is the behaviour he is doing? Is it tantrums, hitting you, etc? And how does he interact with his little brother or sister?

Aw things will definitely improve, play the long game and don't worry about winning over your DS just yet. I think it's a difficult age to have a second, they absolutely do remember being the star of the show. My DS went through a phase of preferring my DH, wouldn't let me get him out the car seat if DH was around, it was very hurtful. Now he's 15 and has preferred me for around a decade.
My advice would be try not to take it personally, don't take it out on your DH (I did at times) and just do what you have to to get through this tricky phase.

Someone asked about why I couldn’t leave the kids with DH for a couple of hours. I could but I don’t as it isn’t fair. Both together are hard work and I wouldn’t appreciate DH doing it to me.

It isn’t what the threads about though.

But you must have both children by yourself during the day?

The bit we're not understanding though is how the eldest behaves and why you're stuck with the baby all the time and not spending time together as a 4? Why does it have to be one child each?