Having another child has ruined my marriage

[uponarock]

That title sounds awful, like I’m blaming the child (10 months.)

Basically my eldest (3 and a half) hasn’t forgiven me for having another baby … we now have a horrible household where the eldest only wants DH so that I’m stuck with the baby all the time.

I keep wondering where I went wrong.

DH is crap to talk to. Just says ‘oh don’t be silly.’ So that won’t work.

I actually think if I had somewhere to go I’d leave but I don’t.

disagree with you about leaving both DC with your DH.

you have been having a hard time. yet you are worried about your H having a hard time for iust the odd few hours! Giving yourself even more hours that are hard. it’d be better to take some time to do whatever could make you feel a bit better.

DH has been working, you say he’s not there much, and that DC1 behaves much better for him. So DH can take a turn.

it’s important that DH can parent both the DC together. For DH and the DC.

i do but not every day @TheShellBeach and it’s different someone going out to work / someone going out on a jolly. I wouldn’t appreciate DH doing it to me, like I say. But it isn’t what the threads about. It isn’t going to improve things if I go to get my nails done or whatever.

@DogJog because the three year old just doesn’t want me anywhere near him. We do sometimes go places the four of us but it’s always so stressful it ends being this sort of divide and conquer routine.

Does hubby work? Outside of the house specifically and you are left with children x amount of hours a week?

I do feel it is relevant tbh, I say this because it sounds as though you are talking a nose dive mentally, I don’t mean you are crazy, I mean if you don’t have post natal depression then you are at least suffering with a low point, some me time is always good for the soul, I always say it’s in fact essential, while you don’t think it’s fair to hubby, it’s not unfair, if you need an hour or so to recharge your batteries then you need it, a happy mum and wife makes for a better home, so does a happy dad and husband. You could probably both do with a date night sometimes to keep your relationship in the best shape (babysitter isn’t an option for everyone so if you cannot do that I get it) and you can each do with me time where you know your partner has got this! My partner has 2x 7 year olds and 2x 9 year olds on his own for me to have me time occasionally, I make sure this isn’t too often as I don’t want to be unfair (4 kids on your own is hard work lol) he has his time too

you cannot pour from an empty cup if one of the best sayings related to parenting

OP, can you define what you want from these posts maybe? You keep making different threads (don’t love oldest child, oldest child won’t ever have friends, etc etc), and it always goes the same way - people try to offer helpful advice and you get frustrated because none of it is what you want. If you would just like sympathy, it’s helpful to specify that in your original post - it’s legitimate to ask for that, raising small kids isn’t easy. But multiple posts over the same thing when you don’t really seem to want to engage with suggestions doesn’t help anyone.

How does your son's behaviour manifest? When it's just the 2 of you is he accepting of you but when dad is there he chooses dad over you? Does he tantrum with you but not dad? It is a really hard age, and I think a hard age difference. You sound really edgy. I don't mean that as a dig but I think you've run out of rope. Favouritism is very normal and he'll grow out of it. I think it's best to ignore it. If your son sees it causes a reaction it gives it value. It's hard but it will pass.

why would you be ‘doing it’ to him? Asking him to parent the DC for a few hours what you’ve been doing it loads, loads more, unhappily. he may well find it fine.

i’m not talking about getting your nails done! You’re having a shit time parenting. Time out could well help you. i took time for driving lessons, exercise (for mental health) and counselling, for example.

Perhaps it should be. OP, with love, you sound stressed and anxious. I’m not surprised! You’re dealing with a baby and a difficult 3yo, apparently on your own for most of the time. Anyone would be stressed in those circumstances!

I think the question here is not how to make your 3yo be nicer. As others have said, that will probably come naturally with time. If I were your friend and you were telling me this on a phone call, I would suggest the first priority should be you. You need a chance to relax. If you can cope with both children on your own for most of the day, then honestly your DH can probably manage for a few hours. Let him. Take a morning when he’s around and tell him you’ll be home in four hours. Get a coffee. Go for a walk in the park. Go for a run or a bike ride. Get your nails done. Have breakfast with a friend. Talk about something that’s not children. Anything, really, as long as it’s just for you.

Tell your DH that this has to be a priority for your mental health. Do it once a week, or if that’s not possible then at least once a month. DH will cope. He might find it hard the first time. The second time will be better. He won’t learn to look after both children on his own if he doesn’t get the chance to practice.

Honestly, the situation with your 3yo will probably work itself out. Don’t stress it. Look after yourself. The world will seem a nicer and less stressful place.

I do get that @Tanyahawkes but the thing is then I’d have to be prepared to reciprocate it and to be totally frank I’m not really willing to.

So back to DS I feel like I got it all wrong when I had the baby and not able to put it right.

Ok well that's a totally different situation then. Could the divide and conquer thing have possibly unwittingly contributed here as your 3 year old is unpleasant, then gets one on one time with dad and so the cycle repeats? Would it be worth picking low key places where you won't be so keen to leave and just keep pushing through this week after week, like sleep training, to see it through the other side? I do recall them years and my son was pretty unpleasant at that age too. If you were to separate, you'd still have the 2 children on your own when dad is not having contact and none of this would be resolved. Is it that your DH doesn't recognise what's happening/plays it down and doesn't appreciate the impact this is having on you when the eldest pushes you away?

I don’t think we’ll separate as apart from anything else neither of us can afford it and we don’t want that for the children. But we just aren’t getting on very well, no time for us at all and I don’t mean date nights or anything like that, I mean we just can’t even chat nicely.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would not be willing to reciprocate it? I understand you being upset if hubby wants to go down the pub with the lads a few nights a week, but if he wanted 2-3 hours once a week/fortnight and you did the same, happier parents can result in happier children and then your issue with ds behaviour towards you could ease up. It doesn’t sound healthy, are you both expected to stay home all the time except work? Or are you only allowed out together as a 4 person family?

there is no solution to you feeling like this is a mistake while the unfavourable behaviour continues, and in tern you and hubby could end up miserable and split, and then he will have to take the children for weekends, without you (that’s presuming you have the children and not him ft)

once the situation causing this feeling eases, then the feeling will ease, because short of that it could look like you are suggesting putting baby for adoption as you are only able to cope with one child. It seems to me this feeling is because of the behaviour of eldest child towards you, once that is resolved you should feel better about having had baby, the way this is going you will resent baby and then baby turns to toddler and then child etc and feels resented by mum

@Tanyahawkes because it would have to be on a weekend. Anyway, I feel like the threads become about something I am not looking for tbh.

Don't be a martyr, op. You must have both kids by yourself all the time. Your husband won't fall apart having both for a few hours once in a while.

You're tired and stretched thin, but you're giving your 3 year old way too much power. Ignore his tantrums and don't pander to them.

Oh dear. I really am not seeking advice on time to myself I don’t see how that’s going to help at all with the current situation and in fact would make it ten times worse!

Sorry OP. I've followed your explanations and it sounds really hard. And must be upsetting as you give most of your time and energy to the children. As suggested, what you've not tried is leaving the two of them with dad. It will be hard for him. But it will show your 3 year old that you aren't the 'baddie', that your DH is also parent of two children. I can't promise it will work, but in theory it is good for every person and won't cause damage. Even half an hour or more for something little you enjoy. X

@Tanyahawkes gosh what an awful thing to say.

Really, sometimes, saying nothing is better.

And do you honestly think I’d put the baby up for adoption to save my marriage? I’m shocked at that post and I don’t know what I did to deserve it other than try to repeatedly explain I am not seeking Alone Time, just to repair the relationship with my DS.

Thanks @rosesandlollipops . As I say I haven’t done that as I do try to be fair and I know I wouldn’t thank DH for it!

It was not a suggestion, I’m sorry if you thought it was, it’s a shocking thing to say yes, it was meant to be! Not to be mean, to shock you into seeing what everyone is saying here, you need to try new solutions to this. Because of how you are feeling you cannot see this clearly

i mean every post from a place of support and advice, ultimately you will do what you feel is for the best, I think you need to explain how you are feeling to a hv maybe, I have a feeling they may suggest some of the same things, hubby having kids while you have some me time

I would feel frustrated with that too.
It takes a long time. I'm an early years teacher and I've seen this many times when a new sibling comes along, but it doesn't last. jealousy is a really tough one to deal with,not least because the behaviours that are caused by it don't lend themselves to trying extra hard to let the person know that you do still love them. Everything you do upsets them and everything they do annoys you. Hope your situation resolves itself

I will add that I've found over the years kids can often respond better to a " gee, I really like you little jimmy" or " little jimmy you make me feel happy" than trying to show them that you do. I've had some realllly tricky customers respond well to repeatedly being told that in passing whilst they're playing. Kids can act like lunatics around adults that they're not sure they're liked by. Especially if their behaviour is drawing negative attention

This is a great idea if you can do it.

It would help if you made it clear what you were looking for.
I think people are sympathetic and trying to be helpful.

The one to one time with your three year old will help, eventually. Not now. But the hard thing is that now is when you have to “prove” your love for him, no matter how much of a little shit he tries to be. Kids test whether or not you love them when they’re feeling insecure, it’s totally natural for a new baby to cause this.

I do think you having time to yourself is part of this though. It’s necessary for your own mental health, because the stronger and happier you feel the better you’ll be able to deal with 3’s behaviour. And frankly you don’t have to reciprocate perfectly, your DH gets plenty of time with zero kids around him.

Assuming that your dh is acting in good faith, it would be a good idea for him to take the baby along with ds for periods and help ds adjust and bond.

It doesn’t have to be hours and hours. Ten minutes at a time scattered through the day would be better.

But he wouldn’t be the first dad in the world to be avoiding the newborn and focusing on the “easier” toddler.

You could hand the baby to dh, say you’re bursting for the loo, and lock yourself in for a few minutes.

I’ve explicitly said that I’m seeking to repair the relationship with my DS, @TheShellBeach

Some of these replies are awful. There’s the repeated insistence I’m talking gobbledegook (I’m not) there’s the post about adoption (wtf) there’s the rebuke of me not posting a quote when I’m answering someone above me, there’s the inevitable ‘martyr’ comment. I mean, if I’d asked ‘how do I get some me time’ fair enough but I didn’t.