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Original poster

Partner shouted at me whilst driving with baby in back

123 replies

mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 14:17

Hi there.

I was driving my partner and our baby to get some lunch and before we set off I was getting maps up on my phone, he then mentioned we don't need maps he knows the directions, I understood that and told him he can still give me directions however I would like maps up as a back up so I can also see the road ahead and plan ahead,also there have been times you have told me directions last minute so at least it I have maps on then it's always there.

My lather then was like what just in case I don't know the way, and swiped the maps off my phone, I put it back up again and said I want it there for reassurance, then he said I was being petty and I want things my way, I tried to tell him I am still agreeing to go your directions but as I said I want it there as a back up especially when I don't know all the roads the map helps with that.

So we carried on driving with maps up and he was letting me follow maps and later as he said there's no point having both maps and me giving directions as It will confuse me.

Closer to our area/ location he tried switching maps off and mentioned I'll tell you directions from here but again I just wanted it there as reassurance, as sometimes he gives me directions last min and at least with maps it can redirect us if need be.
We had plenty of time to get to our destination so there was no rush, I also said I've been the wrong way using maps or when you have giving me directions so it's not the worst thing in the world and also I am the driver so I want to do which best suits me, he turned around and said I was being petty and immature and just want things my way. Plus he is the navigator so it should be up to him. Then with all this talk I went the wrong way, then he went from 0-100 and shouted at me 'your going the wrong way' repeatedly and clenched fists, I said not so bout with out baby in the car and he carries on so I pulled up and he was still shouting, so I gave him a little slap on the leg and said stop shouting as our baby and we are in the car, then he made out I'm the abusive one and I shouldn't hit, which I know should of not slapped him on leg but I felt I had no where to go, so he got out of the car and said you know you shouldn't hit a man as If you hit me I can hit you...he later calmed down and got back in car.

Just wanted some advice on situation?

OP posts:
Motnight · 07/05/2024 14:32

It's a shit show, Op. You must know that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/05/2024 14:50

Motnight · 07/05/2024 14:32

It's a shit show, Op. You must know that?

This. He thinks he can order you around, mess with your phone, shout at you and clench his fists, all with a baby in the car. And you slap him. Also with your baby in the car.

You need to separate for a while because you are escalating to a very bad place.

There will be 14 pages of nonsense about 'if a man did this' to follow. It's all cobblers. The fact is you BOTH need space. And to learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't hurt your child.

Andyls · 07/05/2024 15:35

mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 14:17

Hi there.

I was driving my partner and our baby to get some lunch and before we set off I was getting maps up on my phone, he then mentioned we don't need maps he knows the directions, I understood that and told him he can still give me directions however I would like maps up as a back up so I can also see the road ahead and plan ahead,also there have been times you have told me directions last minute so at least it I have maps on then it's always there.

My lather then was like what just in case I don't know the way, and swiped the maps off my phone, I put it back up again and said I want it there for reassurance, then he said I was being petty and I want things my way, I tried to tell him I am still agreeing to go your directions but as I said I want it there as a back up especially when I don't know all the roads the map helps with that.

So we carried on driving with maps up and he was letting me follow maps and later as he said there's no point having both maps and me giving directions as It will confuse me.

Closer to our area/ location he tried switching maps off and mentioned I'll tell you directions from here but again I just wanted it there as reassurance, as sometimes he gives me directions last min and at least with maps it can redirect us if need be.
We had plenty of time to get to our destination so there was no rush, I also said I've been the wrong way using maps or when you have giving me directions so it's not the worst thing in the world and also I am the driver so I want to do which best suits me, he turned around and said I was being petty and immature and just want things my way. Plus he is the navigator so it should be up to him. Then with all this talk I went the wrong way, then he went from 0-100 and shouted at me 'your going the wrong way' repeatedly and clenched fists, I said not so bout with out baby in the car and he carries on so I pulled up and he was still shouting, so I gave him a little slap on the leg and said stop shouting as our baby and we are in the car, then he made out I'm the abusive one and I shouldn't hit, which I know should of not slapped him on leg but I felt I had no where to go, so he got out of the car and said you know you shouldn't hit a man as If you hit me I can hit you...he later calmed down and got back in car.

Just wanted some advice on situation?

Really? Over Google maps.

NetMum2 · 07/05/2024 15:40

Surely it’s not just over Google maps..?

I definitely think you both need to separate to think about things.

YeahComeOnThen · 07/05/2024 15:47

Neither of you are mature enough to have a baby. Grow the fuck up & fast. That poor little baby relies on you two.

alloweraoway · 07/05/2024 15:51

you should not have hit him. In front of your child too, which makes it even worse

alloweraoway · 07/05/2024 15:53

why did you say "with all this talk I went the wrong way". This is the equivalent of "look what you made me do".

Dont blame him for your mistakes

Singleandproud · 07/05/2024 15:55

There is no way this is a single issue over Google maps.

You need space and he needs to sort his head out in how to behave. and so do you, you both need to work on not escalating each other. Were there additional stressors in the morning or before you set off or is this how he is?

You just say Im the driver I get to decide and I prefer it this way if we get lost closer to the destination we can pull over and work it out. If he doesn't agree he doesn't get in the car.

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2024 16:05

My guess is you prepared the map not so you'd have help with the directions but so that you'd have help not to end up involved in an argument with him.

That your life involves foresight about situations where he is going to let you down at the last minute, twist your words, go off on one and generally drive you to stress and distress.

Is that a fair assumption?

It sounds to me like an abusive relationship.

Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:07

alloweraoway · 07/05/2024 15:53

why did you say "with all this talk I went the wrong way". This is the equivalent of "look what you made me do".

Dont blame him for your mistakes

I did not say anything to him other than just going the wrong way, as I was turning he explodes and that's when he shouted 'I'm
Going the wrong way' so I did not blame him x

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 07/05/2024 16:08

Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship? He can't seem to handle not being in the driving seat, both literally and figuratively. What does it matter if you've got the maps on your phone, its not even about that, it's because he wants to be in control and sees this as you not taking his word as gospel.
Your response wasn't great either, you didn't have to hit him no matter how frustrated you were, it's just given him the ammunition he needs to play victim.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2024 16:11

What a pathetic specimen of a man. Has he always been like this or is it just since the baby arrived.

Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:11

Singleandproud · 07/05/2024 15:55

There is no way this is a single issue over Google maps.

You need space and he needs to sort his head out in how to behave. and so do you, you both need to work on not escalating each other. Were there additional stressors in the morning or before you set off or is this how he is?

You just say Im the driver I get to decide and I prefer it this way if we get lost closer to the destination we can pull over and work it out. If he doesn't agree he doesn't get in the car.

Edited

There was absolutely no triggers that morning, I guess the trigger was keeping google maps on and him not getting his way as he likes to be in control of a situation. He is genuinely a hot headed person and has no patience so he is quick to have a temper.
I agree o news to work on my actions too, I question myself why I teaches the way I did, I guess I felt cornered I never was that person so o do have to think why he made me slap him, he has many times escalated,
We do have space as we live apart currently l, trying to sort living situation however postpones when we argue because I can't be dealing with it and do not want all that under one roof and out baby is my priority

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 07/05/2024 16:12

Well, clearly you hitting him, even lightly, is 100% not okay. But I'm guessing that this is just the thin edge of the wedge and this sort of ridiculous argument is pretty much standard?

For the record, I have a friend who has to have maps up. Drives me mad as we'll be going somewhere local, I 100% know where to go and most likely so does she, AND she keeps the voice on max volume... but she's the driver so she gets to do whatever works for her and I wouldn't dream of whining about it.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2024 16:12

And so what if you're going the wrong way
It's so easy to correct the route.

Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:14

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2024 16:05

My guess is you prepared the map not so you'd have help with the directions but so that you'd have help not to end up involved in an argument with him.

That your life involves foresight about situations where he is going to let you down at the last minute, twist your words, go off on one and generally drive you to stress and distress.

Is that a fair assumption?

It sounds to me like an abusive relationship.

He does not drive himself, however he always comments negatively on my driving and tells me when I should pull out or if I'm too slow, I tell him not to as I need to focus, yes I guess if maps are up then I can make the directions for myself rather than relying on him and if he forgets or I make an assumption which way to go I will get moaned at x

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/05/2024 16:17

Stay living apart - better, still, completely separate and then he can drive himself where he wants in his own car. Or, more likely, he can fuck off down the bus stop with the bus company app to tell him when it's coming.

Temporaryname158 · 07/05/2024 16:17

Stay living apart and make no further plans to move in together.

he behaviour was abusive. You are driving. You can use whatever navigation method you choose. He has no right to tell you what to do, touch your phone or belittle you or emotionally blackmail you to do things ‘his way’

no you should not have hit his leg. You know that, but look up retaliation when abused. Often people can behave in ways not normal for them due to ongoing abuse.

however you hitting him on the leg does not entitle him to hit you as he stated either then or any point in the future (if he ever does hit you and blames the time in the car) it isn’t tit for tat

a temper, violent verbal outbursts and clenched fists are red flags for future violence and you need to ensure you protect your baby

Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:18

Dotty87 · 07/05/2024 16:08

Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship? He can't seem to handle not being in the driving seat, both literally and figuratively. What does it matter if you've got the maps on your phone, its not even about that, it's because he wants to be in control and sees this as you not taking his word as gospel.
Your response wasn't great either, you didn't have to hit him no matter how frustrated you were, it's just given him the ammunition he needs to play victim.

I agree I was not great and I need to work on that, few weeks ago we were having a nice day and evening meal out, I thought he seemed off so I asked him if he was ok and he said he was fine, although he seemed quieter than usual so I just asked again sympathetically 'are you sure your ok' he then got triggered and and say why so I have to ruin a good Daytona my fault he is in a bad mood now, got up to have a viggeraye and said I made him to and have a cigarette, there have been times he has left me in a restaurant with our baby whilst having a meal, name calling and cursing x

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 07/05/2024 16:18

I think it's very important to think about your future as a couple.
Do you actually want to be with a hot tempered man who brings out the worst in you?
Are you staying with him as you are worried about him losing his temper with the baby and you are acting as a middle 'man'? If so that is very telling.

If I was in a relationship where my partner was regularly hot headed I would want him to want to improve, get some counselling and/or anger management before I ever considered moving in or getting married. If he was invested in the relationship he'd go for that and want to improve too so you can all have a happy life together. If he doesn't see it as a problem then that doesn't sound like a very positive future you'll be forever walking on eggshells.

Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:19

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2024 16:12

And so what if you're going the wrong way
It's so easy to correct the route.

That why I have maps up so it can redirect me, I even said that it does not matter if I go the wrong route and he basically said I was being petty

OP posts:
Original poster
mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:20

GerbilsForever24 · 07/05/2024 16:12

Well, clearly you hitting him, even lightly, is 100% not okay. But I'm guessing that this is just the thin edge of the wedge and this sort of ridiculous argument is pretty much standard?

For the record, I have a friend who has to have maps up. Drives me mad as we'll be going somewhere local, I 100% know where to go and most likely so does she, AND she keeps the voice on max volume... but she's the driver so she gets to do whatever works for her and I wouldn't dream of whining about it.

Yes there have been lots of occasions where he has lost it or not for his own way and o his this time I just reacted I don't normally hit out, x

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2024 16:24

mumma2698 · 07/05/2024 16:14

He does not drive himself, however he always comments negatively on my driving and tells me when I should pull out or if I'm too slow, I tell him not to as I need to focus, yes I guess if maps are up then I can make the directions for myself rather than relying on him and if he forgets or I make an assumption which way to go I will get moaned at x

Show quote history

And do you notice things like this occurring with him in other parts of the relationship op?

For example, say, he hates special occasions. So you always have to downplay the excitement of them. Or, he always cancels plans you have together at the last minute and disappoints you. So you find you spring plans on him at the last minute so that he can't change his mind. Or, he gets mad if the place is a mess when he gets in from work so even though you work the same hours, you try to get home fast in order to tidy.

Those are just examples.
But anything where you basically are preemptively trying to stop him from from acting or reacting a certain way that you just know will ruin your day and the mood of the household. Think on it.

Mockingjay123 · 07/05/2024 16:25

This sounds very toxic for everyone, why are you still together?

brendaandjim · 07/05/2024 16:26

Just never drive him again and problem solved.

I mean really, you should leave a man who belittles you and shouts at you and mansplains tasks (such as driving) that he can't actually do himself 🙄

But if you're not going to leave him, just refuse to have him as a passenger anymore as it makes you unsafe on the road - for yourself, your child and other drivers, I doubt you were properly focused on the road while all this was going on and quite simply you could kill someone.