Partner shouted at me whilst driving with baby in back

[mumma2698]

Hi there.

I was driving my partner and our baby to get some lunch and before we set off I was getting maps up on my phone, he then mentioned we don't need maps he knows the directions, I understood that and told him he can still give me directions however I would like maps up as a back up so I can also see the road ahead and plan ahead,also there have been times you have told me directions last minute so at least it I have maps on then it's always there.

My lather then was like what just in case I don't know the way, and swiped the maps off my phone, I put it back up again and said I want it there for reassurance, then he said I was being petty and I want things my way, I tried to tell him I am still agreeing to go your directions but as I said I want it there as a back up especially when I don't know all the roads the map helps with that.

So we carried on driving with maps up and he was letting me follow maps and later as he said there's no point having both maps and me giving directions as It will confuse me.

Closer to our area/ location he tried switching maps off and mentioned I'll tell you directions from here but again I just wanted it there as reassurance, as sometimes he gives me directions last min and at least with maps it can redirect us if need be.
We had plenty of time to get to our destination so there was no rush, I also said I've been the wrong way using maps or when you have giving me directions so it's not the worst thing in the world and also I am the driver so I want to do which best suits me, he turned around and said I was being petty and immature and just want things my way. Plus he is the navigator so it should be up to him. Then with all this talk I went the wrong way, then he went from 0-100 and shouted at me 'your going the wrong way' repeatedly and clenched fists, I said not so bout with out baby in the car and he carries on so I pulled up and he was still shouting, so I gave him a little slap on the leg and said stop shouting as our baby and we are in the car, then he made out I'm the abusive one and I shouldn't hit, which I know should of not slapped him on leg but I felt I had no where to go, so he got out of the car and said you know you shouldn't hit a man as If you hit me I can hit you...he later calmed down and got back in car.

Just wanted some advice on situation?

The poor kid. Perhaps it's kids having kids? It all sounds very immature

He is an abusive, controlling bully. It won't improve

Amount of times ive read the word MAP on this thread all i can think of is dora the explorer.

But op you said yourself that he's mr nice guy with everyone else. Why? Because he CAN control anger.

He's not abusive because he is angry - he's angry BECAUSE he is abusive. It's deliberate. He's never going to change because this is who he WANTS to be. A bully.

The fact that everything has to be a conflict and a competition is also deliberate. Its designed to went you down into submission

He will never be like you because he.is.a.predator.

The lion doesn't become the lamb.
But he will eat them.

You need to stop seeing things as 'he must love me otherwise he wouldn't stay'. He stays because you are his victim. Stop trying to excuse his behaviour with 'there must be a reason (such as poor anger management)' to qualify his behaviour.

The guy literally calls you names and is now threatening to hit you.

So stop it. Stop making excuses for him.
Give yourself permission to stop trying to fix him. Because he isn't broken. He's just evil.

You keep saying you forgive him because you know his past. Great, but you are not responsible for his past nor are you responsible for fixing him. You are responsible for bringing your child up in a loving supportive environment, where not just her physical but emotional needs are met. Can you honestly say he is in a place to have a relationship that does that.
He might be a fantastic dad alone, it may well be the two of you rub each other up the wrong way. Or he might not and may recreate whatever traumatic 'past' he has experienced.

It would be completely different if he was taking responsibility for his actions, was working on it, was trying his best to provide you with the life you both deserve. But he isn't.

If you can't get on when you don't even live together and only see each other at weekends, then you never will get on and you will never have a nice relationship.

He's an abusive arsehole and I question why you'd even have a child with such a hideous person, who has 'been like this since the beginning'. Your child will 100% mimic his behaviour towards you and will grow up to think that is how 'normal' couples are, that you should shout, threaten and hit each other over completely insignificant things, is that what you really want?

You don't live together so what's the bloody point staying together? Get your shit together woman, for your baby's sake if nothing else.

I wonder if 20 years from now, some woman will be forgiving your kid with 'oh he had a difficult childhood. His mum stayed with his abusive dad'.

Or perhaps she'll be the victim just like you.

A man's past is never an excuse for him to abuse. You are not a therapist, gp or his parent. Women are not rehab for damaged men. Your responsibility is to keep yourself safe.

This is the comment I was about to make. This man sounds as if he could switch anytime. He is about to use this tap on the leg (and yes it shouldn’t have happened) for justification to cause actual physical harm. Be careful.

EDITED TO ADD :
then he responses with 'your lucky I don't smash it over your head'

Ok having read the rest of your updates I see he is unhinged just as I thought. Not saying it was wise or ok for you to tap his leg in the heat of an argument, but any man who rushes to use that as an excuse to
be violent to their partner is clearly harbouring violent tendencies already.

You both sound as bad as each other
each to there own but personally if someone offered directions I wouldn’t of put my maps on

Sounds like a big fuss over nothing, especially you hitting him.

There's a difference between healthy couples having an argument vs an argument where threats and insults are thrown.

And not all couples argue, my husband and I rarely do. In the almost 7 years we've been together we've only had 2 or 3, and none of them involved shouting, threats or insults.

Listen to him, he is telling you who he is - I will go to jail for killing you
hitting you.

Which of your relatives will look after your child when he is in prison and you are no longer here.

or will your child be taken into care, and later adopted.

Life is often about making choices, it is up to you to make the right one now.

He sounds utterly vile. Just no. Get away from him. He'll be awful when your child is a wilful toddler.

OP don't move in with him before reading books or watching YouTube videos about domestic violence and narcissists. Book example: Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?"; YouTube channel example Dr Ramani.

You clearly feel something is very off and wrong with your relationship. But, I assume you aren't educated about domestic abuse and narcissists, right? You don't know how it all works and what they do to their victims? You can't understand why their victims stay with them for years and suffer not only emotional abuse, but cruel physical abuse and end up being killed by them?

The moment you'll start understanding what domestic abuse is and who narcissists are, you'll find all the answers you're looking for about why your boyfriend behave so unreasonably towards you.

"he said I was being petty and I want things my way" - this comment is out of touch with reality! Only because you want to drive safe and you do it your way by driving with Google Maps, he's telling you this? Really? After it, you are questioning yourself why you lost control and you hit him a little bit on the leg? Stop finding excuses for his unacceptable behaviour.

This man will drive you crazy if you'll carry on being with him. The moment you'll move in with him, everything will get worse. Now, you may think you'll always have a choice and can anytime separate from him if it won't work out. But you are wrong, you may not get that choice, instead you may end up living in hell for years. He may never hit you, but sometimes, emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse.

The more you post about him OP, the worse he gets.

He’s an awful man and he treats you like garbage. He has often threatened you with violence. Why do you accept that? He’s shown you over and over that this is who he is. He has absolutely no desire to change, that’s a fantasy of yours and it doesn’t match the reality you’re living in.

There is no fixing him or this relationship because he’s an aresole who is content to be that way. The only way for you and your baby to have a happy peaceful life is to end things with him, for real, and never take him back no matter what he says.

He's "the navigator" 😂 ffs

Tune out all the nonsense debate about whether or not you assaulted him OP and just leave him. It's a disaster of a relationship.

You really need to end this relationship. It’s toxic and he will always ruin days out etc with his need to be in control. You don’t want to waste your life with this loser.

He is abusive and controlling. Tell him next time in no uncertain terms: " you will not dictate to me whether I need maps or not. I do not need your input. And if you scream whilst I am driving, I will pull up and you will exist the car and proceed on foot". My aunty did that to her husband in 70s Sweden on NYE. He laughed when she pulled to stop and asked him to leave the car. He left thinking she'd turn back. But she went home without him. He had to walk for 2 hours in cold and still drunk. He never kicked off again. She was a legend!

I think your partner sounds like a complete control freak to be honest. If you want maps up on your phone that's not petty or 'wanting things' your own way', it's just wanting map's on your phone. Some could argue that him insisting you don't have map's that he's the petty one and he's the one trying to get his own way. There's no logic to his behaviour, he must be so deeply offended that you want to use map's that he can't get over it to the point he feels the need to be rude to you and shout. As for slapping his leg, you shouldn't have done that and it can't be justified because you're a woman and he's a man but let's not over cook it, his life wasn't in danger and his comments about not hitting a man and so on show how arrogant he is. No he does not have the right to hit you because you slapped his leg. He has the right to tell you not to do it again and expect you not to. Over all op, he sounds very arrogant but we all say and do things we don't mean. Talk to him about his words and attitude, see how he acts. A reasonable person with emotional intelligence will listen at the very least.

He is a controlling angry dickhead. Stop seeing him. Stop him coming into your home. Stop having him in your car.

i have maps on to go to work and back. I have been making the journey for three years. I know the route. I use maps to show traffic issues ahead so i can change the route if necessary. Why is someone who cannot even drive trying to control the driving?

He doesn't even bloody drive! He is a controlling petty wannabe of a dick. Get rid of him.

He was being a child about the navigation. You need to move your satnav to the other side so he can’t get to it. I have several relatives who try and navigate when I drive and doing that stopped them messing round with my phone. Obviously not good to slap him though and you lost the moral high ground there. I think there must be tensions bubbling underneath for this to have escalated so quickly.

"If you want maps up on your phone that's not petty or 'wanting things' your own way', it's just wanting map's on your phone." - I agree with you. All normal people think this way.

"Some could argue that him insisting you don't have map's that he's the petty one and he's the one trying to get his own way. " - I agree with you. Also, I want to add, this is typical narcissist's behaviour, they always want you to do the opposite of what you want! Not because it makes sense or it's what they really need for happiness, but because that's how they get the power and control. I know it sounds stupid, because normal people don't care if they made anyone to use maps or not. A normal person will never think that they are somehow powerful only because they managed to push anyone's boundaries. But a narcissist will care and see it as a winning. They will carry on with more and more unreasonable requests to push further boundaries, there's no limits for them.

"There's no logic to his behaviour, he must be so deeply offended that you want to use map's that he can't get over it to the point he feels the need to be rude to you and shout." - I agree with you, for us normal people there's no logic in this kind of behaviour. But for them it makes total sense, this is how they confuse their victims.

I bet if OP would have told him that she doesn't need maps because he's going to help her, they would have ended up with an opposite argument. He would have told her that she needs maps and he's tired always helping her with it, because she's always expecting him to do everything for her, etc. 😅😅😅

There's no way to please this kind of people OP, run away and don't look back. Save yourself and your baby, because your baby can rely only on you, your baby can't rely on his father.

Also, I want to add, this is typical narcissist's behaviour, they always want you to do the opposite of what you want!

This is so true! when I was doing OLD I spotted a few narcs early on doing this kind of thing. One insisted he should call me when I got back from my work trip even though it would be after 11pm and I was tired and had work the next day. When I kept refusing I sensed he got a bit sulky, but really there was no good reason for us to have a chat at close to midnight considering this was a man I’d never even met in real life before.

He didn’t particularly want to talk to me or he could’ve scheduled a call the next day. It was just about him wanting to push my boundaries and control things. After a few other weird interactions I blocked him later that week!