Partner shouted at me whilst driving with baby in back

[mumma2698]

Hi there.

I was driving my partner and our baby to get some lunch and before we set off I was getting maps up on my phone, he then mentioned we don't need maps he knows the directions, I understood that and told him he can still give me directions however I would like maps up as a back up so I can also see the road ahead and plan ahead,also there have been times you have told me directions last minute so at least it I have maps on then it's always there.

My lather then was like what just in case I don't know the way, and swiped the maps off my phone, I put it back up again and said I want it there for reassurance, then he said I was being petty and I want things my way, I tried to tell him I am still agreeing to go your directions but as I said I want it there as a back up especially when I don't know all the roads the map helps with that.

So we carried on driving with maps up and he was letting me follow maps and later as he said there's no point having both maps and me giving directions as It will confuse me.

Closer to our area/ location he tried switching maps off and mentioned I'll tell you directions from here but again I just wanted it there as reassurance, as sometimes he gives me directions last min and at least with maps it can redirect us if need be.
We had plenty of time to get to our destination so there was no rush, I also said I've been the wrong way using maps or when you have giving me directions so it's not the worst thing in the world and also I am the driver so I want to do which best suits me, he turned around and said I was being petty and immature and just want things my way. Plus he is the navigator so it should be up to him. Then with all this talk I went the wrong way, then he went from 0-100 and shouted at me 'your going the wrong way' repeatedly and clenched fists, I said not so bout with out baby in the car and he carries on so I pulled up and he was still shouting, so I gave him a little slap on the leg and said stop shouting as our baby and we are in the car, then he made out I'm the abusive one and I shouldn't hit, which I know should of not slapped him on leg but I felt I had no where to go, so he got out of the car and said you know you shouldn't hit a man as If you hit me I can hit you...he later calmed down and got back in car.

Just wanted some advice on situation?

And he’s not the navigator, he’s a passenger.

If you insist on staying with him, make him sit in the back.

I have had similar of he finishes work he would want me to call him as he is finishing for his walk home, but it's not always convenient for me as I'm sitting bubba or just need that 5 mins to myself where i am not getting demands it's my time, so if I have called him later he will say well it's my time to relax now I finished work at this time. Or he will play triumphs he calls me more than I call him, z

Exactly that it's for my own peace of mind, I will still follow his directions but with maps up as it will always reroute anyway, as you say let's you know of traffic road closures estimated arrival it is just handy to have it's my comfort, and he knows that and should understand me not try to fight me on it, if I try to speak to him about it now, he will just play the I'm repeating myself now, why am I dwelling it's in the last we have sorted it now, you for your own way

I agree he is trying to control the situation my guess him being the man and he cannot drive -he wants some control back by helping with directions and where I chose to use maps he may feel he is inadequate or something and it sets him off and triggers me and he just genuinely does not like when I disagree he thinks I am undermining him x

I love that about your auntie! I so need to be more harsher I feel I let myself down sometimes, just easier not to say something saves the argument and exhaustion .

I'll be seeing him this weekend and I will be chatting with him, I will tell him once he gets in car that he will listen and respect me and I will have maps on and you will not tell me how to drive.

To be honest I just don't know what to do I have all this mixed feelings, part of me has had enough as I know there will just be more of the same arguements and heated communication where I feel shut down, it's almost if we have a good weekend then I feel I can't just being up the past weekend and say actually I do t want this, as he will probably use the card but we've sorted it and been fine all week, but sep down I'm not okay how he treated me, he did apologise but that sorry does not override his behaviour

That's all I would love to do is to fix him, but your right he needs to help himself I will have that guilty conscience of not being that person who understood the way he works to help him Registery that emotion to help. All him but there is still no excuse the way he treats me and it's unfair I deal with being with it, he is also short tempered with his mum, we both just look each other and know he is on one.

I try and tell him this too, never have I been in a relationship where we have shouted and call each other names, I almost get that in every arguement or if we are having a conversation and he does not like where it's going he jail say 'he is getting bored now it's jarring him out, and then won't listen or she will just speak over me and say end of conversation your repeating yourself

That's you then, you are most likely a confident driver, where as I need maps for reassurance and there have been previous times where I have listened and not used maps and he has forgotten to give directions or I misinterprete what he says or do wrong way whatever the reason he has got annoyed and will cause bit of tension so because of that I wanted it up x

I have said this to him also, we have a distance relationship where we see each other on wkends and still this the friction is not we so not see each other enough it's other petty arguments which rub each other the wrong way as someone else said which is true, any little thing could be a trigger and then he will go quiet or ignore me or other extreme lose his ye owe and about there's no inbetween if there is it's rare and he has to be in a good/relaxed mood which means when it suits him to talk.
Being under one roof we will most likely argue about more silly unnecessary topics apart of me feels if I don't try I never will know ? Another part knows it won't work out

I can't fault him as a dad, he really is so good with our little one,
I know I can't be the one helping him he refuses to get help, I wish I could be the one and we can be a happy family of three and that hurts a lot that I can't give my baby that, she will always come first when I say that to my other about her being my priority he gets offended and says 'you don't think she is my priority' it's like he analyses and takes things in a different way

I think we would both be happier to be honest. When it's the free of us she pretty much only wants me and he feels he is not fulfilling his role and has no purpose whereas when they get alone time it's completely different and she just wants him he feels then he has a purpose he feels loved he feels like a dad, whereas I'm almost like a barrier but naturally bubbas will want their main carer/Mumma especially when she is with me most of the time, so maybe that's also what makes him so frustrated all the time, I know it hurts him not seeing bubba everyday and feel he blames me for that as if it was his way we would be moved in together but if we we're a healthy relationship did not argue all the time then yes I would be moved out by now, it's like he doesn't see that or he sees it getting better once we move in, so he needs stability however hard to give him that because I feel so distant the way he is with me, endless cycle

You have listed very valid points!
I hate it when he smokes weed at first I didnt mind it as I thought it was the odd bit of weed here and there, but it's all the time, everytime we see each other he will smoke weed-he will smoke it away from us and come back but he will then smell of weed, I try to tell him it's still in the air or by us and he just thinks you only know I am smoking weed because of the smell and he seems to think it won't harm, but it's second hand smoke, he just laughs and goes on about how they will legalise it soon and it comes from the ground:plant it calms him etc

Your title is misleading, why don’t it say I hit my partner in front of the baby etc. This is really toxic. So many petty arguments. As others have suggested, take some time out to reevaluate.

The women on these threads always talk about what a great father their DP is. He isn’t there 5 days a week parenting or bonding with his child because he can’t control himself enough to be polite and not scream at you in front of his child.
when he is around your child he’s high and stinks of weed and there’s second hand smoke around your baby.

she will always come first
she is quite literally not coming first right now. She is stuck with parents being toxic and abusive and taking drugs around her.

When it's the free of us she pretty much only wants me and he feels he is not fulfilling his role and has no purpose whereas when they get alone time it's completely different and she just wants him he feels then he has a purpose he feels loved he feels like a dad,
it’s not a tiny babies responsibility to validate him. This is an insane thing to say as a reason for his ‘frustrations’

it doesn’t sound like you are even considering ending this, despite his threats of violence (which aside from the danger to you, remember this is the relationship model you’re giving your daughter) but you need to stop lying to yourself at the very least about what is really happening here.

You just don't get on. It won't get any better. He annoys you and you annoy him.

If you read Mumsnet regularly you will know that this behaviour from your partner is not acceptable. It reminds me of my second husband. He was never violent although he hit a door once when he lost his temper. But he was a control freak, one example was that when we went grocery shopping he had a limit of £50 and if it went over that he would sulk for an entire weekend. I always felt like I was treading on eggshells. It’s no way to live, you deserve better. He won’t be happy if you end it because he doesn’t have control, but it’s the best thing you could do for your baby.

I know I am not an abusive person I have had previous healthy relationships where there was no shouting or hitting on both sides, the slap on his leg is out of character for me, not justifying my actions but it's reactive abuse, so many times he has shouted and called me names over petty arguements which should just be a normal
Conversation he is the one who gets heated and shuts me down! For some reason I lost it, and now I am trying to figure out why... again not justifying but it is playing on my mind, how response also makes me weary.

I think deep down it's where I believe I am being abused or not, seems like a normal
Guy who is so nice other times, but I know that does stop someone from being an abuser there are different faces and different types.
I have genuinely tried to end ans break on so many occasions but somehow I'm left feeling guilty as he comes back at me apologies, cries, make out I immature for always resetting I am the abuser for not giving him stability.

Your right regards he shouldn't need his own baby to validate his purpose I agree!

Your both in the wrong and over Google maps cmon

@mumma2698 you sound like you are trying to justify hitting someone but more than that you sound exhausted with it all. You are clearly overwhelmed and over thinking it all. Just step away and get out of the drama for a bit and you will see things clearly.

OP I understand you, and it's what every woman went through in an abusive relationship. They all cry, beg you to forgive him and promise you that will never happen again. They are nice for a few days after you forgive, but after they start treating you worse than before.

Start writing a journal about all the incidents, every time. Start believing him and hear him out. Don't twist his words and stop looking for a deep meaning. They are not smart at all and mean what they say.

For example, he already told you he sees nothing wrong with smoking weed, that means he won't give up weed. You need to decide for yourself, do you want to live with a man for the rest of your life who smokes weed?

He already told you he will hit you back next time, believe him, he means it and he will do it at one point. Next time you'll have an argument, you may only put your hand on him, not even a slap, and he will hit you back. After, he will tell you that you are delusional and you actually hit him, that's why he hit you. You won't be able to prove him that he's wrong. Believe his words OP.

Now, you are not living together and is easier for you to finish all. Once you'll move in together, the only way for you to run away from him, will be to take your daughter and leave all your belongs behind. Don't imagine you'll have time to pack anything and take it with you.

Is he giving you money for your daughter?
How did you get pregnant? Was it something what you both planned or it was an "accident"? If it was an "accident", think again, maybe he did it on purpose? Don't think men aren't capable of doing it, there's plenty of them who do it in order to trap a woman. Would you still be with him if not your daughter?

"People who have taken large doses of marijuana may experience an acute psychosis, which includes hallucinations, delusions, and a loss of the sense of personal identity. " - OP you can't control the amount of weed he's smoking. Being around a person with acute psychosis or hallucinations is dangerous.

I know one woman personally who had a husband like it. She was sleeping in the bed with one baby and pregnant with the second baby. At one moment out of blue, her husband woke up in the middle of the night and started to beat her. She barely saved herself and her baby and went to the hospital. If you'll watch documentaries about domestic abuse, you'll see it's not uncommon.

Ignore anyone who's telling you it's your fault for his behavior, it's not your fault.

OP in all your responses to people, you’re still really focused on him. You need to take another few steps back, stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you and why you got drawn into this in the first place, what you need to do to find the strength to end it, and how much better things will be when you’re rid of him.

It’s not your job to understand him and fix him. It’s your job to give yourself a good life and give your baby a happy peaceful childhood. You can’t have those things with him around, you just can’t.