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Original poster

He Didnt Believe Me

220 replies

JoeyP67 · 07/05/2024 06:53

My partner and I returned from a meal out earlier tonight
I was calling it a "date nite" . We'd had a nice time.
Once home, he reached for an already opened bottle of red and found it empty.. and this is what happened next.
Him "oh. Its empty"
Me " oh, is there any white?"
Him "yes"
Me "then why don't you drink that then ?"
I disappear upstairs for my warm socks and come back down.
He has a glass of white in his hand and approaches me , kisses me on the lips , says "I love you (I thought he was being romantic) then follows it up with "but dont feel you have to manage my drinking".
Me "I'm not" ....
He looks at me. I'm confused.
Me "what are you trying to say?"
Him "you poured it down the sink...
Me : "what ? no I didn't..."
He goes on to tell me I had poured the remains of the open red wine down the sink. I protest my innocence. I make myself a cup of tea and he calmly goes puts the tv on. Calls out what would I like to watch ? I am feeling both foolish (for thinking he was being romantic with the kiss) and angry at his accusation and judgement of me. I go sit next to him. He makes small talk about the t.v program. I am upset at what just happened so I calmly open up.
Me :: "I feel upset at what just happened there. I thought you were being romantic saying you loved me because I looked nice in my dress ...but really there was was something else behind it ...::"
Him: :" yes there was, I did think you liked nice in your dress but I was doing it to start the conversation off (about the sink pouring) nicely. "
I ask in future for him to just be direct and ask me, not fool me with a kiss first.
I tell him again I didn't do it.
He firmly believes that I had. His proof ?..... that he ran his finger over the plug and there was red on it..also that the bottle had been moved from where he put it. so, it's a fact he says, and all I have to be is honest.
I protest my innocence.
I can't believe his calmness. He says maybe I forgot that I did it. I seriously wonder if hes right and maybe I had forgotten but I am sure I didn't do it. I get upset and ask him not to play games with me getting me to think I've done something I haven't..
He refuses to back down. He sways between staying calm with his "facts" and getting agitated with me for pushing back saying stuff like "who was it then ? the fairies...?"
I ask him " why would I suggest you drink the white if I've a problem with you drinking" ? "Why wud I throw the red away to then offer you white? "
But none of it makes any difference. For me, we had a lovely meal out, I really made an effort to look nice and I cudnt believe he wanted the night to end on his mistrust. I said that I had told him the truth and that he had made the choice not to believe me. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. Said that I loved him and why would i lie to him ? He said it was because I was "2 dimensional". He turned the telly off and didnt want to entertain me talking about it.
He said "just drop it. I"d forgiven you while you were stood at the bottom of the stairs" I started to get a bit hysterical. He still wasnt listening to me and his comments were making it worse. I said I had nothing to be forgiven for. He got up to get ready for bed but then returned downstairs. He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.
Im so tired. I have to be up again at 6.30am. He upset me so much my emotions are only just calming down 4hrs later. Hes slept soundly.

I really could do with some careful and honest advice here. Any one else been in the same situation? What do I do about this ? Am I being too sensitive about this? or is his behaviour way off the mark? I don't know how I feel going forward....

Ps ' We been living together since 2020.
Thanks
Joey

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 07/05/2024 07:13

How much does he normally drink?

What's your relationship like usually? Hard to say from just this snapshot but it rings bells for me as gaslighting from an abusive partner but in an otherwise ok relationship it's just a bad night

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2024 07:17

Sounds like classic gaslighting.
You question your own sanity while he sits by and watches your distress. Nasty.

Maddy70 · 07/05/2024 07:18

Mayne there was soem in on the sink ...do you mention him drinking tool much?

Otherwise hes being a dick

SantaBarbaraMonica · 07/05/2024 07:18

That would be a HUGE red flag to me. Gaslighting to a massive degree. And cruel playing games with you. Honestly watch out. You should have been furious at him not confused and defensive. He’s just checked a boundary and discovered he can totally fuck with you.

Luddite26 · 07/05/2024 07:20

Well if you didn't pour it down the sink then did he and this was all some set up for him to enjoy a bit of gas lighting if you. Is this the first time or is he a regular sly, nasty bastard?

BelindaOkra · 07/05/2024 07:20

Does he have a drinking problem? (If so get out).

very odd behaviour. Has he ever done anything like this before?

Foggymcfogson · 07/05/2024 07:22

This won't get any better for you op. Ltb before your mh is in tatters.

CheekyHobson · 07/05/2024 07:22

If he’s a fairly heavy drinker then your answer is that he’s a heavier drinker than you realise, and he’s gaslighting you so you won’t realise what’s going on. Maybe deliberate, maybe he doesn’t remember drinking the wine because he blacked out.

Either way this is a major problem for you.

Sillystrumpet · 07/05/2024 07:23

Hard to say really. I am not sure it warrants getting hysterical and 4 hours of upset, is there a back story? He clearly thought you had and can’t remember drinking it. Does he have an alcohol problem?

DrJoanAllenby · 07/05/2024 07:29

How bizarre.

I would have snapped at him h the at no I most certainly did not pour it down the sink and for him to stop the silly accusatory game.

He sounds awful. Always stand your ground otherwise it's a green light for idiots like him to start pulling your strings and making you dance for his amusement as you've now found out.

Honestly, why do so many people stay with partners who play pathetic mins games?

He poured it down the sink and is now toying with you as a game to test your reactions.

What a clown.

theansweris42 · 07/05/2024 07:37

Have you seen the actual Ingrid Bergman film Gaslight? PP have rightly suggested gaslighting, his words could be from the script!
I think he finished that bottle and forgot or wanted to give the impression he hadn't finished it.
His comment about your managing his drinking I think is a warning from him to not comment on it because he knows it's a problem.
And the kiss felt like a manipulation, a sweetner before the warning.
I get why you're so upset. You're off balance. You feel you don't know what's going on.
I think you need a "quiet" few days now to think, be kind to yourself (as they say). Don't engage with him any more on this point. You know the truth.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2024 07:38

Your reaction makes me think that you feel unsure about your standing in this relationship. That this isn't the first time he's unnerved you and you feel you have to pacify him.
There sounds like a big power imbalance between the 2 of you.
What's the history of your and his relationships?

SheddingCat · 07/05/2024 07:38

Such a weird thing to make an issue out of to this degree and keep pushing it (from your dh side).
My thoughts are, he drinks more than you know and has polished the bottle whilst drunk and does not remember it. Sounds like he has a drinking problem.
If not, then loke ppl suggest he did it to gaslight you, does he do that in other situations too?

theansweris42 · 07/05/2024 07:40

Yes agree ge might have poured himself to trick you. Which would be worse than him either forgetting or trying to hide the amount he's drunk.

gamerchick · 07/05/2024 07:41

Did he do it to avoid sleeping with you? If that question is in your head is there a backstory?

If so, the next time he pulls this stunt I'd say "ah right, let's cut the crap and go straight to you sleeping on the settee. Nanight"

No engagement at all.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/05/2024 07:42

Does he have history for gaslightling you or drinking too much? Reminded me strangely of an incident with my abusive XH where he accused me of pulling garbage out of the outside bin and throwing it everywhere. It was the crows for anyone wondering, he never quiet believed me. Im still baffled why he would ever think I'd do that, I think like this the answer is he didn't, but he wanted something to have a go at me so he decided to have a go at me over that. He could be causing an argument to hide something or trying to keep you off kilter. There will be a reason behind it. For my part if Id thought there was some wine left then turned out bottle was empty I might have asked it he finished it off, but if he said no I'd assume I hadn't remembered accurately because everyone makes mistakes. It shouldn't have been a big deal at all. He shouldn't need to accuse of things or want to be right at all costs.

Seaoftroubles · 07/05/2024 07:47

This is very odd behaviour. Was he already quite drunk and is he a heavy drinker usually? Also does he often accuse you of things you haven't done? I would be on the alert for any future mind games from him as who needs that kind of gaslighty behaviour in their life?

Quitelikeit · 07/05/2024 07:56

This seems odd - so you think he poured it away himself? Or someone else did?

Does he have form for strange behaviour?

CrunchyCarrot · 07/05/2024 08:01

If you didn't empty that bottle OP then, short of there being someone hiding in the loft, your partner did it, either too drunk to remember or deliberately (and that's pretty chilling, really, if he did).

What is disturbing is that he is gaslighting you over it, and wouldn't accept your word. He mentioned you 'managing his drinking' which suggests maybe he does drink too much on occasion? Also you being '2 dimensional' - what even is that? All this smacks of putting you emotionally off balance deliberately, I would be on the alert for another similar situation. Your best defence is not getting rattled or engaging, because that's what he wants. The question is, why.

How long have you two been together?

wompwomp · 07/05/2024 08:08

I couldn't get past this. I would tell him his behaviour is very unstable. Gaslighting is a complete line in the sand and he's crossed it and you need to discuss how to end things amicably.

category12 · 07/05/2024 08:51

So, he's gaslighting you.

You also suspected he created the argument to avoid sex, so it's not seeming the healthiest of relationships.

Do you think you're in am emotionally abusive relationship?

Lilly11a · 07/05/2024 08:58

I d assume he drunk it , he feels subconsciously guilty about his level of drinking and is deflecting it on you .

studioussquirrel · 07/05/2024 09:02

This is classic gaslighting @JoeyP67

You need to think very carefully about how you proceed. Is this the first time you've experienced something like this with him, since moving in with him in 2020?

DuckDuck1234 · 07/05/2024 10:29

Can only think of 3 possibilities:

  1. You drank/threw out the wine.
  2. He drank/threw out the wine.
  3. Someone broke into your house and drank/threw out the wine.

You know it's not 1), and even on the off chance that you forgot you'd drunk it, it's a massive red flag that he refuses to believe you and refuses to believe there could be any other explanation than the one he's cooked up.

Number 3) is quite ridiculous, so that leaves 2). Maybe he forgot, but then it's still a red flag that he doesn't believe you. Or maybe he is knowingly gas-lighting you, in which case he is an absolute monster.

Whatever the truth is, all roads lead to him being the problem.

honeylulu · 07/05/2024 10:42

My first assumption reading this thread was that he'd drunk it himself and forgotten/not realised the bottle was finished. My father in law was a heavy drinker and used to do that, the more he had the more likely he was to forget.

Is he a problem drinker? I note you'd been out for a meal and presumably had some drinks, there was wine open before you went out so presumably he had some then, and he was planning to drink more when he got in ... Nothing wrong with the odd blow out (I like a drink or three myself) but the accusation about you policing his drinking makes it sound like he's aware that he drinks more than average and others have commented before ...