He Didnt Believe Me

[JoeyP67]

My partner and I returned from a meal out earlier tonight
I was calling it a "date nite" . We'd had a nice time.
Once home, he reached for an already opened bottle of red and found it empty.. and this is what happened next.
Him "oh. Its empty"
Me " oh, is there any white?"
Him "yes"
Me "then why don't you drink that then ?"
I disappear upstairs for my warm socks and come back down.
He has a glass of white in his hand and approaches me , kisses me on the lips , says "I love you (I thought he was being romantic) then follows it up with "but dont feel you have to manage my drinking".
Me "I'm not" ....
He looks at me. I'm confused.
Me "what are you trying to say?"
Him "you poured it down the sink...
Me : "what ? no I didn't..."
He goes on to tell me I had poured the remains of the open red wine down the sink. I protest my innocence. I make myself a cup of tea and he calmly goes puts the tv on. Calls out what would I like to watch ? I am feeling both foolish (for thinking he was being romantic with the kiss) and angry at his accusation and judgement of me. I go sit next to him. He makes small talk about the t.v program. I am upset at what just happened so I calmly open up.
Me :: "I feel upset at what just happened there. I thought you were being romantic saying you loved me because I looked nice in my dress ...but really there was was something else behind it ...::"
Him: :" yes there was, I did think you liked nice in your dress but I was doing it to start the conversation off (about the sink pouring) nicely. "
I ask in future for him to just be direct and ask me, not fool me with a kiss first.
I tell him again I didn't do it.
He firmly believes that I had. His proof ?..... that he ran his finger over the plug and there was red on it..also that the bottle had been moved from where he put it. so, it's a fact he says, and all I have to be is honest.
I protest my innocence.
I can't believe his calmness. He says maybe I forgot that I did it. I seriously wonder if hes right and maybe I had forgotten but I am sure I didn't do it. I get upset and ask him not to play games with me getting me to think I've done something I haven't..
He refuses to back down. He sways between staying calm with his "facts" and getting agitated with me for pushing back saying stuff like "who was it then ? the fairies...?"
I ask him " why would I suggest you drink the white if I've a problem with you drinking" ? "Why wud I throw the red away to then offer you white? "
But none of it makes any difference. For me, we had a lovely meal out, I really made an effort to look nice and I cudnt believe he wanted the night to end on his mistrust. I said that I had told him the truth and that he had made the choice not to believe me. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. Said that I loved him and why would i lie to him ? He said it was because I was "2 dimensional". He turned the telly off and didnt want to entertain me talking about it.
He said "just drop it. I"d forgiven you while you were stood at the bottom of the stairs" I started to get a bit hysterical. He still wasnt listening to me and his comments were making it worse. I said I had nothing to be forgiven for. He got up to get ready for bed but then returned downstairs. He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.
Im so tired. I have to be up again at 6.30am. He upset me so much my emotions are only just calming down 4hrs later. Hes slept soundly.

I really could do with some careful and honest advice here. Any one else been in the same situation? What do I do about this ? Am I being too sensitive about this? or is his behaviour way off the mark? I don't know how I feel going forward....

Ps ' We been living together since 2020.
Thanks
Joey

RUN! This is a manipulative, gaslighting alcoholic.

It is ridiculous to say that because someone doesn't drink for a few days a week that they haven't got a drink problem. The thing is that he can't control his drinking. If it's there he drinks it.

It's no life OP, really it isn't. And gaslighting, stonewalling and manipulation are all abusive.

This isn't the loving, caring relationship that we all deserve.

I agree. Don't put up with this nonsense. Starting an argument over nothing. Classic abuse.

Yes no one thinks it's not possible for people to behave like that but I think you kinda have to take the word of someone posting on an anonymous forum.

You could go through the thousands of posts on this website and construct a scenario where most of them have actually been written disingenuously in the service of a greater scheme but that doesn't make it so.

Like a stopped clock you'll be correct every so often but to assume it in this case suggests you're projecting more than a little.

But why would she suggest the white wine then? Why has he acted in a creepy, sinister way, kissing her while telling her not to do something.

My ex was a heavy drinker then turned into a total alcohol. I left but it caused me years of stress and anxiety. Please get out now before you walk the path I did (which I would not recommend to anyone).

He might say he loves you, but he loves the drink more.

He's an alcoholic as well as a gaslighter, there's only one option open to you, and that's leave. Nothing you do or say will make any difference to his drinking, and he will lie and gaslight until the cows come home about it.

Hi Joey, I hope you're okay now.
I've been on mumsnet for years now and I've read some devastating stuff. From terrifying to shocking but to echo the word a previous poster used, this was chilling.

Please get away from this man, as soon as possible. I can't explain why but out of 1000s of threads this one really did make me feel really worried for you.

Keep us updated and stay safe and sane 💐

Just bog standard alcoholic bullshit. He's drunk it on one of his 'not drinking anything you might smell on my breath after toothbrushing and half a pint of mouthwash nights'.

The only way to improve the situation is to get yourself out of it permanently.

@JoeyP67
I hope things have settled down. I think there's a strong chance he drank it and forgot completely. And that he genuinely believes you tipped it, as a result. The fact he had to make a big deal about it and get you upset - and I do see his behavior as intentionally aimed at upsetting you - means that the alcohol has a strong grip on him. Is this the man you want to stay living with and possibly have children with in the future? Is he someone who would be open to change and going alcohol free?
FWIW my Dh who I have been with for about 15 yrs behaved very, very badly when drunk at the start of things and one day I turned around and said - the only way to avoid these behaviors is for you to stop drinking completely, forever. And he has not had any alcohol since. Nothing. He has a lot of will power and he didn't want to totally fuck up our long term possibilities. You are more important than some stale red wine that did or did not go down a throat or a sink.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 sounds like a cunt

Either he forgot he drank it, or he remembers he drank it but doesn't want to admit it, so he's gaslighting the OP.

He likely drank it and forgot or he's drinking more than Thursday to Sunday and doesn't want you to know that. Causing an argument and acctually trying to blame you is completely insane though and cruel, so I acctually think he's a drunk and forgot

Having been in a similar situation, I actually think keeping a diary/log is a really good idea. If you feel safe, and you're not quite ready to go now that is.

If that last conversation is anything to go by, when you come to break up with him he'll have you second guessing yourself about everything that ever happened. Having your own records about what was said/done and how it made you feel at the time will make you feel more secure in your own mind.

I kept notes from the last few months of a long marriage. The things I wrote down seemed pretty trivial at the time - if I offered up one as an example you'd think I was mad for wanting to leave. But looking back, years later, when all those little anecdotes are put together into a whole story it's quite something, and you'd think I was mad for staying so long.

I've lived through a long period of DA/DV from a psychopathic (In the medical sense rather than the "Heeeere's Johnny!" way, but sadly too many of us know that when you're going through it it doesn't feel like there's any difference in it) narcissist, it's... not very nice. @JoeyP67 I can't say I "know" what you're going through, because everybody's situation is unique and individual, but I can empathise with how you must be feeling - and from the bottom of my heart I am so, so sorry he's forcing you in to this situation.

Here's the thing: that.. 'individual' is in dire need of professional help from a holistic multidisciplinary team, and cases like that are incredibly challenging. Trying to figure out the substance abuse and physical dependence whilst the plethora of mental health struggles is like a fire engine going to a burning house and told to put it out with a hose that randomly alternates between squirting water or kerosene. Trying to make a dent in those MH struggles while he's still drinking is like giving the driver precise instructions on how to steer through the minefield safely, then realising the steering wheel's fell off and bounced out the window.

Why am I saying all this? Simple. It's to point out that no matter how much you're in love with the guy (or how much he's groomed you in to thinking you are) and how much he does "this is the last time baby girl, I promisssssss", if all those people would struggle to help him together then there's about the square root of zero that you could do even if you wanted to - so with full sincerity and from a place of kindness I am pleading with you, begging you: Don't make the mistake so many of us do getting suckered in to thinking we can "fix" them. That if we just do more, treat them even better, give them even more, be even more subservient, if we stop "moaning" and "acting so ungrateful", if we just stop doing whatever it is that we're doing wrong, they'll go back to how they were when they were love-bombing us before.

Please get out before he destroys you OP. Even if you've got no one locally (sorry, I've not read the entire thread so idk) then tons of resources online, health centres, there's even tons of people here who care.

Don't waste time with this tosser. You deserve better.

He obviously drank it himself and is trying to make you believe he didn't. This will not get better. I've seen a couple of friends going through similar situations. He has an alcohol issue, and if I were in your shoes, I'd get out before it's too late.

Hi @JoeyP67 Just wanted to add a recommendation for Patricia Evan's book, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' which explains the types of tactics that are used to create the kind of abusive exchanges that repeatedly leave you feeling so utterly alone and with nowhere to go - and are never actually resolved in a way that feels mutual. Physical assault and name calling are not necessary for a dynamic to be abusive.

The more you experience 'arguments' like this (which are really one person dominating the other) the more hurtful they become, and if he keeps doing it then he is showing he is not going to change. At this point you don't have a relationship because it is all on the terms of him 'winning' every argument.

It can be really helpful to identify what he is doing so that you don't continue to think you are doing something wrong. Fact is, one person cannot fix a dynamic like this. You can have all the good-will in the world but he is the only person who can change his own way of communicating so that there can be loving resolution to these kinds of disagreements. You can learn a lot just by googling topics to read articles and see what people have to say on youtube. It will help you to stay clear and not get so drawn into confusion. Unfortunately the more confused and emotionally worn down you become, the harder it can be to leave these kinds of relationships.

Take care.

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. Don't waste more of your life on a gaslighting, sadistic boozer.

Move out (or kick him out) and move on!

nothing about this is ok.

Do you have a history of lying?? Then why is he being like this? Just get out, this isn’t the right relationship. And he ended it, this is how some people do it, don’t put up with too much bulshitty-ness just to end it later.

Gaslighting - Classic

This makes me angry on your behalf. Seriously, the drinking alone would make me question the relationship, but his bizarre behaviour would seal the deal. Life's too short to deal with this kind of crap!

He has a drinking problem, and he knows it, and he’s trying to use you as a scapegoat. Sorry, but you should run for the hills. You won’t be able to ‘cure’ him. Nobody will be able to ‘cure’ him. Good riddance.

I would be very annoyed if dh didn't believe me. I wouldn't get into a discussion about it. Just a very firm "I said I didn't do it, I'm not debating this"

He kiss would have bothered me, he made you feel close then told you, you were lying. It feels deceitful.

If he does stuff like this regularly I'd question what he's bringing to the table. You don't need this crap and you don't need to be managing/worrying about someone else's alcohol intake

That he would persist in that lengthy charade to cover up his obvious drinking of the wine is beyond concerning. It's sick.

You don't need your life entangled with that pathology.

Just because we think we "love" someone doesn't automatically mean we have to entwine our life with him. Some men are just unsuitable for a relationship. Believe it.

It’s most likely he is drinking far more than he thinks he is. His drinking feels out of control and he is projecting this on to you. Yes it’s a red flag and some.

This sounds so much like a guy I had a very brief experience with at university. I still have trauma from it and it only lasted a month or two. He did this every time I saw him though and became very shouty about all my supposed wrong doing. Horrible. Do not stick around if you have a way out.