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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Didnt Believe Me

220 replies

JoeyP67 · 07/05/2024 06:53

My partner and I returned from a meal out earlier tonight
I was calling it a "date nite" . We'd had a nice time.
Once home, he reached for an already opened bottle of red and found it empty.. and this is what happened next.
Him "oh. Its empty"
Me " oh, is there any white?"
Him "yes"
Me "then why don't you drink that then ?"
I disappear upstairs for my warm socks and come back down.
He has a glass of white in his hand and approaches me , kisses me on the lips , says "I love you (I thought he was being romantic) then follows it up with "but dont feel you have to manage my drinking".
Me "I'm not" ....
He looks at me. I'm confused.
Me "what are you trying to say?"
Him "you poured it down the sink...
Me : "what ? no I didn't..."
He goes on to tell me I had poured the remains of the open red wine down the sink. I protest my innocence. I make myself a cup of tea and he calmly goes puts the tv on. Calls out what would I like to watch ? I am feeling both foolish (for thinking he was being romantic with the kiss) and angry at his accusation and judgement of me. I go sit next to him. He makes small talk about the t.v program. I am upset at what just happened so I calmly open up.
Me :: "I feel upset at what just happened there. I thought you were being romantic saying you loved me because I looked nice in my dress ...but really there was was something else behind it ...::"
Him: :" yes there was, I did think you liked nice in your dress but I was doing it to start the conversation off (about the sink pouring) nicely. "
I ask in future for him to just be direct and ask me, not fool me with a kiss first.
I tell him again I didn't do it.
He firmly believes that I had. His proof ?..... that he ran his finger over the plug and there was red on it..also that the bottle had been moved from where he put it. so, it's a fact he says, and all I have to be is honest.
I protest my innocence.
I can't believe his calmness. He says maybe I forgot that I did it. I seriously wonder if hes right and maybe I had forgotten but I am sure I didn't do it. I get upset and ask him not to play games with me getting me to think I've done something I haven't..
He refuses to back down. He sways between staying calm with his "facts" and getting agitated with me for pushing back saying stuff like "who was it then ? the fairies...?"
I ask him " why would I suggest you drink the white if I've a problem with you drinking" ? "Why wud I throw the red away to then offer you white? "
But none of it makes any difference. For me, we had a lovely meal out, I really made an effort to look nice and I cudnt believe he wanted the night to end on his mistrust. I said that I had told him the truth and that he had made the choice not to believe me. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. Said that I loved him and why would i lie to him ? He said it was because I was "2 dimensional". He turned the telly off and didnt want to entertain me talking about it.
He said "just drop it. I"d forgiven you while you were stood at the bottom of the stairs" I started to get a bit hysterical. He still wasnt listening to me and his comments were making it worse. I said I had nothing to be forgiven for. He got up to get ready for bed but then returned downstairs. He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.
Im so tired. I have to be up again at 6.30am. He upset me so much my emotions are only just calming down 4hrs later. Hes slept soundly.

I really could do with some careful and honest advice here. Any one else been in the same situation? What do I do about this ? Am I being too sensitive about this? or is his behaviour way off the mark? I don't know how I feel going forward....

Ps ' We been living together since 2020.
Thanks
Joey

OP posts:
haveacat · 10/05/2024 22:23

Definitely gaslighting. Been there. Be strong. Tell someone what he is doing - friend/relative - someone who will believe you and then get out of the relationship. Good luck.

LesserSpottedDalmation · 10/05/2024 22:39

If you didn't pour it away, and neither did he, should you be worried about someone else having been in your home while you were out?

Dibbydoos · 10/05/2024 22:39

Noone poured it away, he drank it and doesn't remember.

The point though, is he has a problem and you have a problem. His problem is his behaviour, you're problem is his behaviour. You need to consider if you want that problem, and him and his problem, or not.

Good luck, big hug xxx

NotAgainWilson · 11/05/2024 01:20

Is this a reverse? Who on Earth would describe herself as getting hysterical?
some cruel adjectives used here to describe her own persona do not make sense if trying to gain some sympathy.

Whatadipstick · 11/05/2024 01:24

What a prick. He’s playing games with you. Dont stay with him.

Whatifitallgoesright · 11/05/2024 01:32

Leave. You don't have to live with this level of anxiety.

tkwal · 11/05/2024 01:32

Could he have drunk the wine and forgotten about doing it ? Did he think you might have a reason for monitoring how much he drinks ?Has it ever been an issue between the two of you before ?
It sounds like he's deliberately trying to make you doubt yourself which is concerning in itself but I think there could be something more to it. I certainly wouldn't be planning any more date nights with him for a good long time

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 11/05/2024 10:04

@JoeyP67 How are you doing?

UmPumPotNot · 11/05/2024 10:50

I've never posted before, just read posts and responses in the past. But I had to answer your post as it reminded me of my ex husband's treatment of me. I haven't read other replies to your post so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what has already been said.

My ex is an alcoholic, yet in the same way could tolerate it and act in the main part as sober (yet after I kicked him out several people approached me about their witnessing his alcoholism - i knew about it, but didn't realise to what extent others had witnessed scenarios).
I would drink a small glass of wine from a newly opened bottle early evening, when I went to fill a glass the next evening there be about a centimeter left. He'd finished his 6 large bottles of beer each evening, then turn to my wine. I guess that last centimetre reassured him that I would think I'd drunk the rest (I hadn't). At the time it slightly amused me that he thought I was that dumb not to notice (I hasten to add I'm not saying or thinking that you are dumb in your situation). On reading your post, I guessed that maybe your partner is draining the last dregs of the bottle into the sink to make it look like you had poured it all away, to support his accusation. The speed he accused you is a sign he's gaslighting you. His exaggeration of blaming you and sulking is typical of his attempt to project your attention away from his actions. If this is the first time he's gaslit you, I'm afraid it won't likely be the last. If you haven't watched the old black and white film Gaslight, I highly recommend that you do. Although it's an old film, it's spot on with this kind of abuse, to understand how they try to manipulate us, or to question and doubt ourselves.
I believe manipulative alcoholics lose the ability of awareness that their actions are seen by others, as their judgement is reduced.
I wish you the best in this, that you find the strength and courage to find the right path for you. I would encourage seeking support from a local group regarding abuse and alcoholism. They helped me enormously, and gave me the strength to know I was not in the wrong, and to get my ex husband to leave. Alcoholism can be treated, but when it turns to abuse, that's the time to get out.

Nuttyputty · 11/05/2024 10:54

No1toldmeaboutit · 10/05/2024 18:52

Maybe i drink too much but now i’ve read your replies I would say 4 bottles over a 4 day period is not that much and I wouldn’t be happy if someone had opinions about me drinking unless I was getting totally wasted every night and causing a scene every time

Hhahahaha thats literally binge drinking, a form of alcoholism. Hes an alcoholic.

Nuttyputty · 11/05/2024 10:55

NewAtThisSingleStuff · 10/05/2024 20:24

A lot of people have posted about whether this has happened before etc and I think that is a valid point. I just wanted to add that I lived with someone for many years who fell into exactly this pattern. We had a lovely night, all felt warm and rosy and then....a reason would be found for why I ha upset him regardless of if it made any sense to me or in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. He'd make a big deal out of something whilst simultaneously appearing calm, magnanimous and appearing to play it down for my benefit. In my relationship, there probably would have been red wine around the sink but he would have put it there.

I'm not saying this is what is happening, there could be many explanations. But I would (as kindly as possible) as you to reflect on whether you regularly feel confused about the truth of events, whether you are regularly 'disbelieved', whether there is a frequent tone of 'you've messed up here, but I Forgive You' and whether small things are regularly made into a big deal while you are simultaneously being told they aren't a big deal. If you are regularly doubting your recollection or response to things, please take a moment to reflect on that.

I'd also ask if anything else was going wrong in his day, week or life. Another huge pattern for me was when he had a bad day at work (or elsewhere) and, after taking some time to think about it, manage to create a reason why his bad mood was my fault.

That sounds awful. What happened in the end?

AzureFinch · 11/05/2024 14:54

Either you poured it away without thinking
Or he did it to "blame" you
Either way it doesn't matter. He made a big deal of it for no reason. Its just pathetic on his part really.

Greengrasswalks · 11/05/2024 15:02

No1toldmeaboutit · 10/05/2024 18:52

Maybe i drink too much but now i’ve read your replies I would say 4 bottles over a 4 day period is not that much and I wouldn’t be happy if someone had opinions about me drinking unless I was getting totally wasted every night and causing a scene every time

It is too much.

You don’t have to get totally wasted and cause a scene to be considered an alcoholic.

Fatchilli99 · 11/05/2024 16:31

Luddite26 · 07/05/2024 07:20

Well if you didn't pour it down the sink then did he and this was all some set up for him to enjoy a bit of gas lighting if you. Is this the first time or is he a regular sly, nasty bastard?

This was my thoughts 🤔

Rollinroller · 11/05/2024 19:08

It might not be too much for some people but if alcohol is causing you a problem, there’s a problem. The OP is having to hide alcohol if she purchases a bottle as a gift because otherwise her partner will drink it and that is absolutely not normal, however I know from being married to someone with a drinking problem, that it just becomes normal.

alcoholics can be extremely manipulative, it is gaslighting but they don’t see it like that, it’s just that their mindset is so focused around protecting their own ability to drink, anything they need to do is justified to them. My ex husband once forced me into agreeing with him that he wasn’t drunk, ( he was) if I didn’t agree with him he was going to go to work (we were arguing as I didn’t want him to go to work drunk). If I agreed with him he wasn’t drunk, he would phone in sick to work. We had small children and I was afraid of losing household income so I did.

I eventually managed to end the marriage but the manipulation and gaslighting really had an effect on me for years. OP I would strongly recommend you end the relationship now, this is not normal, and co parenting with someone like this is no joke. Cut ties now.

IIlolamay · 11/05/2024 21:11

Honestly, been there, done that , dump him. I was controlled for years and actually doubted my sanity at one point. It took me 24 years with to meet someone I could trust (?), another to agree to move in with him and, eventually moved in 3 years after that. Freedom is precious, feeling you're not the nutcase is precious and trusting someone is precious. Be careful.

Havinganamechange · 13/05/2024 08:01

Sounds like the behaviour of a gas lighting alcoholic to me…..

Bamboobzled · 13/05/2024 17:37

JoeyP67 · 07/05/2024 06:53

My partner and I returned from a meal out earlier tonight
I was calling it a "date nite" . We'd had a nice time.
Once home, he reached for an already opened bottle of red and found it empty.. and this is what happened next.
Him "oh. Its empty"
Me " oh, is there any white?"
Him "yes"
Me "then why don't you drink that then ?"
I disappear upstairs for my warm socks and come back down.
He has a glass of white in his hand and approaches me , kisses me on the lips , says "I love you (I thought he was being romantic) then follows it up with "but dont feel you have to manage my drinking".
Me "I'm not" ....
He looks at me. I'm confused.
Me "what are you trying to say?"
Him "you poured it down the sink...
Me : "what ? no I didn't..."
He goes on to tell me I had poured the remains of the open red wine down the sink. I protest my innocence. I make myself a cup of tea and he calmly goes puts the tv on. Calls out what would I like to watch ? I am feeling both foolish (for thinking he was being romantic with the kiss) and angry at his accusation and judgement of me. I go sit next to him. He makes small talk about the t.v program. I am upset at what just happened so I calmly open up.
Me :: "I feel upset at what just happened there. I thought you were being romantic saying you loved me because I looked nice in my dress ...but really there was was something else behind it ...::"
Him: :" yes there was, I did think you liked nice in your dress but I was doing it to start the conversation off (about the sink pouring) nicely. "
I ask in future for him to just be direct and ask me, not fool me with a kiss first.
I tell him again I didn't do it.
He firmly believes that I had. His proof ?..... that he ran his finger over the plug and there was red on it..also that the bottle had been moved from where he put it. so, it's a fact he says, and all I have to be is honest.
I protest my innocence.
I can't believe his calmness. He says maybe I forgot that I did it. I seriously wonder if hes right and maybe I had forgotten but I am sure I didn't do it. I get upset and ask him not to play games with me getting me to think I've done something I haven't..
He refuses to back down. He sways between staying calm with his "facts" and getting agitated with me for pushing back saying stuff like "who was it then ? the fairies...?"
I ask him " why would I suggest you drink the white if I've a problem with you drinking" ? "Why wud I throw the red away to then offer you white? "
But none of it makes any difference. For me, we had a lovely meal out, I really made an effort to look nice and I cudnt believe he wanted the night to end on his mistrust. I said that I had told him the truth and that he had made the choice not to believe me. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. Said that I loved him and why would i lie to him ? He said it was because I was "2 dimensional". He turned the telly off and didnt want to entertain me talking about it.
He said "just drop it. I"d forgiven you while you were stood at the bottom of the stairs" I started to get a bit hysterical. He still wasnt listening to me and his comments were making it worse. I said I had nothing to be forgiven for. He got up to get ready for bed but then returned downstairs. He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.
Im so tired. I have to be up again at 6.30am. He upset me so much my emotions are only just calming down 4hrs later. Hes slept soundly.

I really could do with some careful and honest advice here. Any one else been in the same situation? What do I do about this ? Am I being too sensitive about this? or is his behaviour way off the mark? I don't know how I feel going forward....

Ps ' We been living together since 2020.
Thanks
Joey

OP, I got goosebumps while reading this as my ex used to do the exact same things. He did things like that for a while and I thought things were fine apart from those little odd conversations and then overnight once he got a whole lot worse and my life became hell, and it was only after I left that I realised all these little things like what you're talking about was all about control. It took me over a year to get away because he kept convincing me I was controlling, forgetful, confused. The only other option for me here is is that he does drink too much ans has finished it himself?

Bamboobzled · 13/05/2024 17:44

No1toldmeaboutit · 10/05/2024 18:52

Maybe i drink too much but now i’ve read your replies I would say 4 bottles over a 4 day period is not that much and I wouldn’t be happy if someone had opinions about me drinking unless I was getting totally wasted every night and causing a scene every time

You have to be joking?

Goodtogossip · 15/05/2024 13:49

Is this the first time something like this has happened? has he form for gaslighting you before or having you doubt yourself over silly things?

If it's a one off then have a frank & honest discussion with him telling him how it made you feel & that in future you won't stand for that kind of behaviour from him. Ask him what his thoughts were when he was talking to you like that & why he didn't believe you.

If this is continued behaviour from him that's a massive red flag & you should seriously think about your relationship & think about ending it with him.

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