He Didnt Believe Me

[JoeyP67]

My partner and I returned from a meal out earlier tonight
I was calling it a "date nite" . We'd had a nice time.
Once home, he reached for an already opened bottle of red and found it empty.. and this is what happened next.
Him "oh. Its empty"
Me " oh, is there any white?"
Him "yes"
Me "then why don't you drink that then ?"
I disappear upstairs for my warm socks and come back down.
He has a glass of white in his hand and approaches me , kisses me on the lips , says "I love you (I thought he was being romantic) then follows it up with "but dont feel you have to manage my drinking".
Me "I'm not" ....
He looks at me. I'm confused.
Me "what are you trying to say?"
Him "you poured it down the sink...
Me : "what ? no I didn't..."
He goes on to tell me I had poured the remains of the open red wine down the sink. I protest my innocence. I make myself a cup of tea and he calmly goes puts the tv on. Calls out what would I like to watch ? I am feeling both foolish (for thinking he was being romantic with the kiss) and angry at his accusation and judgement of me. I go sit next to him. He makes small talk about the t.v program. I am upset at what just happened so I calmly open up.
Me :: "I feel upset at what just happened there. I thought you were being romantic saying you loved me because I looked nice in my dress ...but really there was was something else behind it ...::"
Him: :" yes there was, I did think you liked nice in your dress but I was doing it to start the conversation off (about the sink pouring) nicely. "
I ask in future for him to just be direct and ask me, not fool me with a kiss first.
I tell him again I didn't do it.
He firmly believes that I had. His proof ?..... that he ran his finger over the plug and there was red on it..also that the bottle had been moved from where he put it. so, it's a fact he says, and all I have to be is honest.
I protest my innocence.
I can't believe his calmness. He says maybe I forgot that I did it. I seriously wonder if hes right and maybe I had forgotten but I am sure I didn't do it. I get upset and ask him not to play games with me getting me to think I've done something I haven't..
He refuses to back down. He sways between staying calm with his "facts" and getting agitated with me for pushing back saying stuff like "who was it then ? the fairies...?"
I ask him " why would I suggest you drink the white if I've a problem with you drinking" ? "Why wud I throw the red away to then offer you white? "
But none of it makes any difference. For me, we had a lovely meal out, I really made an effort to look nice and I cudnt believe he wanted the night to end on his mistrust. I said that I had told him the truth and that he had made the choice not to believe me. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. Said that I loved him and why would i lie to him ? He said it was because I was "2 dimensional". He turned the telly off and didnt want to entertain me talking about it.
He said "just drop it. I"d forgiven you while you were stood at the bottom of the stairs" I started to get a bit hysterical. He still wasnt listening to me and his comments were making it worse. I said I had nothing to be forgiven for. He got up to get ready for bed but then returned downstairs. He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.
Im so tired. I have to be up again at 6.30am. He upset me so much my emotions are only just calming down 4hrs later. Hes slept soundly.

I really could do with some careful and honest advice here. Any one else been in the same situation? What do I do about this ? Am I being too sensitive about this? or is his behaviour way off the mark? I don't know how I feel going forward....

Ps ' We been living together since 2020.
Thanks
Joey

helpful 🙄

This! Classic gaslighting and leaving you doubting everything is a clear sign. He’s messing with you and I’d be wary because you’re already doubting whether you did something so it’s working!

He drank the red.

He’s lying & manipulating you to cover the extent of his alcohol dependence.

Being with you is an impediment to his easy relationship with alcohol dependence. So he will go at you - no matter how illogical his stance, absurd his reasoning, distressed you become & distrustful of him - because he must deflect reasonable comment & truthful observation.

The drink is the boss of him, he no longer is in charge.

Your time with him is done.

I just think he's an alcoholic. I don't think it's any more complicated than that. Even you're saying he has a 'high tolerance for it', which sounds a bit like minimising his problem.

He' drank the wine and forgot. HIs tolerance isn't as good as you think. There isn't another explanation. He has a problem and is deep in denial. It's unlikely to get better anytime soon and meanwhile his insides are enduring permanent damage.

Date night for OP = Deepening and strengthening our relationship!

Date night for P = Tick-box exercise to keep everything the same. I get to do what I like (drink) and OP is to hold her tongue and not spoil everything.

Date night was a Monday, incidentally, so the perfect excuse for an exception to his supposed drinking days of Thursday to Sunday.

He’s an alcoholic, he gaslights you to mess with your MH, he’s passive agressive and basically not a nice person. Those are perfectly reasonable reasons to end the relationship.

Does he have a drinking problem? Because I'm a now sober alcoholic, but when I was drinking, I was convinced my husband was constantly either drinking my wine or pouring it down the sink.

He wasn't. I was just not remembering how much I drank and getting paranoid that someone was messing about with my wine. It was me who was drinking it.

It’s really difficult to get a clear picture of what’s going on

He slept on the sofa. I said I didn't want the night to end this way and asked if he had created the tension purposely to avoid sleeping with me. He said no.

does he often try to “avoid sleeping with you”?

does he generally drink much more than you?

do you often get so distressed by things that he says or does?

My friend married a lovely man. Six months later he was dead.

He drank a lot but always appeared sober. One day he turned yellow, you can guess the rest. Went into hospital where he stayed for 8 weeks until he died.

This tolerating alcohol is a bad sign. So is the paranoia he showed you.

Sorry @JoeyP67 I have only read all of your posts so someone else has probably already mentioned this.

If your partner does genuinely not remember either finishing off the bottle himself, or pouring it down the sink (which is a big "if"), then from his point of view he must feel exactly the same as you do. In that scenario, in his eyes:

You won't admit to him that you either finished off the wine yourself, or you poured it down the sink. Therefore, he "might" think that you are too drunk to remember that you finished off the bottle in one way or another, or he would have little other choice than to believe that you are the one gaslighting him!

Unless of course, one of you has an adult child, or other relative, or even a friend, who has a key, and who would believe that they are entitled to just let themself into your house and help themselves to whatever they fancy (maybe you should go upstairs right now and check that your spare doesn't have a sleeping body in it (!)), then I think that when you are both sober in the morning you need to talk this through calmly over a nice coffee - or tea. Hopefully then both of you can/will agree that one of you must have done it, and neither of you are lying on purpose.

OP ignore the enablers/people who are weirdly taking his side.

He is abusing you and he won’t stop. Leave him.

You make a special effort to look nice, & he in some way managed to ruin the evening, the gas lighting, the sulking....It's very typical behaviour of Emotional abuse. I'm sure if you take a better look you will find plenty of examples of him making a unnecessary scene after a special event.

This. Tell him to fuck off. Stop wasting your time with this fantasist

I know a woman who sadly had a DH like this. Went on to become a full blown alcoholic. OP, if you want children, run from this man.

She's now broke, he's stopped working as he's an addict and she's trying to support 3 kids by herself. He's left her with debt and no help whatsoever.

Don't have children with a man like this. He won't tolerate the noise, the mess, the fuss, the chaos. Couples are more likely to split in the first year of having kids due to the stress. His drinking will go through the roof.

He loves his alcohol more than he loves you. That's what addicts do, they prioritise the substance over love. Very sad but you need to leave now and start again.

I'd get rid of him. He's a liar, a gaslighter, an Alcoholic, he is cold as fuck to you when he has upset you. Exactly what are you getting out of this? Do better. Ditch him and don't waste any more of your life on him. 4 years is enough.

Go. Now. Line up new accomodation and just cut him loose. This will not improve.

I’d be off.
Its not going to improve and you have a life too.
As I’ve got older there is less shit I’d put up with, and this is some of it.

Hope you sort things out.

I cant say if he has gaslighted me before, but hes deffo watched my distress play out in front of him before and his reaction is always to harden himself further to me.

I don't think this is straightforwards alcoholism, because his behaviour sounds like narcissistic supply.
I hope you are ok and can leave safely.

I think you were being too sensitive.

Some sensitivity was completely justified: he's a bully, he treated you terribly last night.

The rest of it was you getting carried away and having a disproportionately emotional response (that was only damaging to yourself), and THAT is what he is preys on. A bully like he sounds can only get away with behaving the way he does because he sees your vulnerability and loss of emotional control. He couldn't do this with a woman who is in full control of herself.

He shouldn't be treating you like this. AND (not but) I think you need to work on your emotional resilience. Not to keep him (he wouldn't want you anyway, once he's no longer able to bully you), but because it'll be better for you in all your relationships.

This. Is Pure and Utter Gaslighting on his behalf.
The most vindictive thing you ' COULDVE' said is : " Well our relattionship isnt strong enough to get worked up over such a trivial thing. " But you DIDNT ( Because you Love him)
.Its time to stop proffessing Love to this ' Gaslighter' he wants you to think youre hoing insane, trying to change your perception. I have a feeling the next perception he wants to change is your relationship. I should now insist on my own room at least, till he stops drinking SO MUCH and ruining everything.

My advice on how to react in the future.

‘No I didn’t’. End of conversation. Don’t engage or get emotional (in front of him). If there’s no reaction, there’s no control over you. Leaves him nowhere to go. Let’s him know you know your own mind. If he carries on, don’t engage just keep calm and say ‘I didn’t pour away your wine, am off to bed’. Especially when alcohol has been involved there’s just no point trying to argue. My advice would be to get the hell out of your situation, but it’s easier said than done sometimes and if you want to stay, this is what you need to do going forward. Stand your ground but calmly and with barely any reaction. Sending love xxx

Given your reply I am not sure why you are in this relationship it sounds very toxic and unhealthy and if I was your friend I would be assuring you that you deserve a better relationship and partner and it is time to move on from this one.

Having been in this situation - no you are right to be careful. It sounds like it maybe a game - all about control and what he can get away with. Switching it up from lover to accuser and back again is textbook. It’s how trauma bonds are created. Do you think he has an issue with alcohol or did he make the whole thing up to create drama? My advice would be to really watch him and watch he says- watch for him moving things and then blaming you for them being missing. Write down what he tells you - as he will tell you one thing, then another, say you’ve dreamt it etc. But he will be watching you to see if you are into him. Once you can see it - leave as quick as you can but be prepared for lovebombing/threats of suicide/vindictive acts.

Op, why are you keeping this on your radar? There’s only one reasonable response, and that’s to leave .
He is abusive and it will only get worse.

I’m sure you mean well, but you’re totally invalidating her feelings.
whatever she feels is absolutely ok, and if this part of a pattern, then it’s also understandable. It’s not up to you to decide someone else is being too sensitive. There is no such thing.