I’ve never met his friends! am I being paranoid?

[Nic12312344]

So I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years although I have known him for 12 years ( we have a daughter together). I have never met his friends ever, he does have trust issues etc from childhood so I kind of give him empathy with that and understand why he can be the way he is. A long story short, he has Instagram but doesn’t follow me and it’s a private profile. I found he was following a girl and liking her pictures, so I asked him about this, he instantly got defensive and told me I was a stalker which isn’t true. He admitted the girl was one of his friends girlfriends friends and she goes to party’s and stuff when he’s there. Bear in mind his friends all have girlfriends so they all go out as couples but I’m never invited. I’m not sure they even know about me. I know what’s his like, his very private with his life but there are reasons for this. But I find it confusing how he can like this girls pictures who is around in social events and also follow her when I’m not even able to follow him. He said it means nothing to him liking her pics etc but to me you’re giving her the green light by liking her pictures. What would you do in my situation?

This isn't any kind of life. It's like you're his mistress, just sitting at home until pops by to see his daughter every other weekend. It seems that his real life is elsewhere. Really you need to think about what you want and create a better future, one where you see the light of day. Kicking him into touch would be a start.

It won’t. It absolutely won’t. He’s like supplier. You’re missing the dopamine high his ‘love’/attention provides, but it is artificial and corrosive and is nothing but damaging. Be strong, don’t re-enter any form of relationship you think you have with him, he doesn’t care about you. You need to cut him out your life (legally he has to pay for his child).

With time and suave you will realise how much better your life is and your self esteem will escalate. You will attract decent ppl into your life who will treat you respectfully and lovingly. The way that everyone deserves to be treated x

You have nothing to lose, you aren’t in a relationship with him. Dump his ass! Gather your self respect, you’ll get over him, you’ll be in a better place.
He’s a disgrace.

I’m sorry lovely but you are not in a relationship with him. Hes using you to keep you happy so he can see his child when he feels like seeing her.

No man who truly loves someone would keep them
hidden away. You’ve not met his friends because they don’t know about you, they just see you as his child’s mother.

He’s emotionally abusing you, you’re his hidden life and he makes you feel bad when you’re asking normal
Things of him.

Do you hear from him during the week? Does he ever contact you first?

I know you said you’ve drifted away from friends but please reach out. Explain what’s been happening and try get some real life support. You need to cut contact with him, only talk about your dd and sort child maintenance so he continues to pay.

He was never really with you. He doesn't support you, he's not there for you, he doesn't build you up or support financially. He's not a co-parent, he doesn't bare any of the burdens of parenting. He's destroyed your self confidence and messed with your mind. You're not even a real part of his life, he's got you in this little box marked EOW. He gets to see his DD, stay overnight, have sex Im guessing, meals, everything sorted. He can be Disney Dad and not put himself out a single bit. He gets looked after and you get screwed over. It's great for him.

That's the relationship your daughter gets to see, her mum with some low life who treats her like shit. The fact its her Dad makes it even more messed up. No one who loves you treats you like that. That's not love. You deserve not to be in a relationship that fucks up your mind and your self esteem. You can't make him a decent person, he fails that on the most basic levels. You can't fix him, you can't fix this and you can't make a family with someone who's this fucked up. You both deserve so much better than him

That make sense, he doesn’t want them to know about me otherwise they would know. Yes he will text daily, never phone calls. But texts are blunt, he says he doesn’t ever know what to say and isn’t one for small talk. I’ve just lost all confidence to even have friends in my life

I knew a couple who were in a situation identical to this. The guy had another girlfriend else where and also had a new baby with his ex wife (the mother of his children from before the current hidden relationship)

all the same things. Not adding on social media, not socialising the hidden girlfriend with their friends and family.

no normal person does this. You have a child together, you are meant to be a family. Get some courage, self worth and self respect and leave.

Edited to add: having read some of your updates and seen he lives an hour and a half away, sees you rarely and you don’t have loving physical contact I have to say that this isn’t even a relationship. Does this excuse of a man even pay towards your child?

Sorry op but it doesn't sound like there is anything to end. This is no way to live. In your shoes I'd take control of the situation and make clear to him whatever is going on is finished and move on.

I appreciate your message, a lot of people have said the same thing so it has opened my eyes.

make it sound bad when I hear someone else say that, but in the situation it’s so different. Speaking on here and helped so much so I appreciate your message. All I’ve ever wanted it to be a family and settle down properly. He lives quite far yes, then when he is here his not really affectionate, he says if I want a cuddle then I should go to him for one. He does pay yes

Wow you’ve just summed it all up there! When his here he will sort food and stuff or help with some things but I’d rather go out and do stuff with him and my daughter, spend quality time together, but it doesn’t happen. Feel like I’m asking too much. Thank you x

You might be the other woman OP, or he might have a other woman.

@Nic12312344 - what did you learn about relationships growing up? Whatever it was - you need to unlearn it. Can I suggest you read Women Who Love Too Much?

Also, you say you have no friends - do you have family you can spend time with (not his!)? Could you join something? Your DD is 12 so you will have a lot more freedom than you used to have.

You’ve wasted your 20s holding out for this guy but you’re still young and hopefully have many, many decades ahead of you to build your own life without him in it. You need to be bold. Fake it till you make it is key here. A lot of us are doing that a lot of the time. You won’t magically feel more confident just staying at home. You need to take action. Go out. Join groups. Reach out to old friends. Join evening classes. Get out there. That’s how this will start to get better for you.

The thing you should think about the most is, would you think this would be an acceptable relationship for your daughter to be in when she’s older?

would you be happy for the father of her child to live an hour and a half away, never show her affection, hide her from his real life?

if you wouldn’t want it for her, don’t accept it for yourself.

let him know you’re ending your relationship but this doesn’t need to affect anything between him and his daughter. Makes sure he’s paying what he should be and let him continue contact with his daughter.

you should take the steps to heal yourself and build self confidence. Get some books, follow some positive people online, contact some charities if needs be. You can have your happy ending and a solid family unit, it will just never be with this man.

Thank you for the suggestion I will have a look into reading that. Yes I have some family, I go to my parents house quite regularly. Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it x

Good question, no I wouldn’t be happy if my daughter was treated how I’m treated. I’m sure he wouldn’t either. Thank you for your advice x

"he said to not just turn up and give him some notice"

Sorry OP but he's with someone else.

Dear @Nic12312344
this is such a sad thread. My heart is breaking for you.

Lots of people have given good advice. A starting place to help you process what everyone has told you would be to speak to Women’s Aid (https://www.womensaid.org.uk/). They have a helpline.

Iknow this might seem strange, but this is a type of domestic abuse, and you need professional help from people who understand the mental grooming you have experienced to get to where you are with him. This man is clever and highly manipulative.

Please call the helpline, it’s going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but once you’ve taken that first step in telling someone what is going on you will be amazed at how much better you will feel And here is help out there.

My bet is your family would be there to support you as well, but one step at a time- call the helpline and take it from here.

Life is waiting for you OP.

I don’t see it as abuse, is that normal? Because I’m not sure what’s normal anymore. Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it

He is being abusive.

leaving the relationship should be in practice (not emotionally I know) easy.

tell him it’s over. That he will have EOW access to his daughter as he does now but that will not be hosted at your house. He needs to make suitable arrangements and visits are on hold until they are in place.

forget the other woman/children. They aren’t your worry. Concentrate on you and your daughter.

put in a formal CMS claim for money from him. Only reply to messages about your daughter. He is playing you like a fiddle and treating you appallingly

I suspected you didn’t see it as abuse. But it is. He is controlling you by making you afraid to challenge him, For example, it is not harassment to contact his ex, or his friends as a one off. (If they told you to leave them alone and you didn’t, you might be harassing them. But that’s between you and them, not him!). He’s using threats to control your behaviour. Only you know if he’s doing this in other ways.

Even if you disagree ( it’s perfectly fine if you do 🙂) have a chat to the Women’s Aid helpline, and see what they think.

When you are in such a situation it is hard to see beyond it, and understand what is normal and what is not. That’s another way he’s created this strange world for you, where he sets all the rules, and you have to go along with it.

If you are not ready to talk to someone professionally could you try to bring it up with your mum, or another female relative?

I guess I just don’t recognise because I’ve been blamed for so long. I know I’m not perfect, no one is, I can be “needy” (his words) but that’s only because I only see him every other weekend so I’d like affection you know. Anytime there’s been a disagreement or anything’s happened his never taken any accountability and I always get the blame so now I think it’s all me. Thank you so much for your advice x

Hope this doesn't sound too weird but I've gone from one absolutely nonsense relationship to another over the past few years.

I have literally no one to talk to in real life, living with my disabled adult son. (Well, I talk to him all the time, but you know what I mean!)

I'd be happy to message you every day or so while you get sorted, if you can bear to listen about cooking, gardening and very old cats.

Thank you so much for this message, sorry you don’t have anyone to talk to, I know how you feel. That’s really kind of you, yes I’d like that, thank you

I am going to reiterate that you are not in a relationship with him because even though others have said it, I’m not sure it has sunk in yet.

I would also like to know more about what makes you think this is a relationship? Sorry if that sounds blunt but frankly it’s rather confusing and I think it may help you to pick that apart a bit more. You’ve said that you never go on dates, haven’t met his friends, he won’t let you come around, he’s not affectionate, he won’t go out with you and your daughter, he’ll go months without kissing you. What about that says relationship?

Because if it’s just that you’re having sex with him when he has visitation with his daughter every 2 weeks then I do think you need to have a word with yourself. That is just him using you, nothing more. If that’s the case then I think some therapy is also in order to help you figure out why you think you are worth so little. You deserve much more than that, and your daughter deserves to see her mother in a happy and loving relationship.

Also this man belongs in the trash but I think that goes without saying.