I’ve never met his friends! am I being paranoid?

[Nic12312344]

So I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years although I have known him for 12 years ( we have a daughter together). I have never met his friends ever, he does have trust issues etc from childhood so I kind of give him empathy with that and understand why he can be the way he is. A long story short, he has Instagram but doesn’t follow me and it’s a private profile. I found he was following a girl and liking her pictures, so I asked him about this, he instantly got defensive and told me I was a stalker which isn’t true. He admitted the girl was one of his friends girlfriends friends and she goes to party’s and stuff when he’s there. Bear in mind his friends all have girlfriends so they all go out as couples but I’m never invited. I’m not sure they even know about me. I know what’s his like, his very private with his life but there are reasons for this. But I find it confusing how he can like this girls pictures who is around in social events and also follow her when I’m not even able to follow him. He said it means nothing to him liking her pics etc but to me you’re giving her the green light by liking her pictures. What would you do in my situation?

I think it sounds like he’s presenting as a single dad and you an ex. It’s not a good relationship to role model to your child. You should get out properly sooner rather than later and get planning on how you’ll live / manage.

Do you ever do holidays as a family?

That’s how it feels too. No we never do anything, his never taken me out

I know what you mean, I just have a big heart and love helping others if I can. I have wondered if that’s the case, he met someone while we were separated and they had a child together, I’m the only person that knows about this child who is 4. His family or friends don’t know. He also said if I try and contact his ex that it’s harassment. Not that I would do that but i felt he was worried about something. I’ve asked him so many times to include me but he gets defensive and pretty much says no. I know I’m a mug because I know if I tell him straight what’s upsetting me and what I want then he will react then leave.

You mention not wanting to overthink but honestly I think you've been way too tolerant of this nonsense for too long. It sounds like you've lost confidence and self esteem. No wonder! Being hidden away and being told you're 'silly' for feeling like that after 12 years!

Find some certitude. You deserve a loving and equal relationship. You deserve to be part of your partners life. This is so far from normal behaviour, there's understanding someone history and there's tolerating the intolerable. I would be saying...either I'm part of your life now or I'm not. Shit or get off the pot.

there has been lots of other stuff too that he has done that has contributed to my lack of confidence and low self esteem. I’m not even sure what normal is anymore because for 4 years this has been my normal and honestly it’s left me feeling unworthy

Just read your last update. I'm seeing serious red flags here...

'He also said if I try and contact his ex that it’s harassment'

It wouldn't, so why's he wanting you to not talk to her? My ex said all sorts to stop me contacting his ex with whom he also had dc. I'm in contact with her now and it's highly enlightening, so many things that didnt make sense, now make sense. So many of the same toxic traits...People who work hard to stop normal communication are hiding things. Why?

I'm willing to bet being compartmentalised isn't your only issue.

He takes your daughter to "couples events"?! WTF?! Assuming she's 2-3 years old. What couples events are these? If I was out for dinner with my DP and our friends who are couples and one bloke just rocked up with his kid and not his wife / girlfriend, it would be very odd!

Also you say you've been together 4 years but he has a 4 year old with someone else? Or am I reading that wrong?

Anyway the whole thing is a mess and you need to get out. You're in the background sat at home and looking after his child and thinking your in a relationship whilst he's out living the high life, cutting you out of the picture and acting like a single parent. You really need to do better for yourself.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the other things?

You’d find it hard to leave?? Leave what? He lives an hour and a half away!! You’d be leaving fuck all!

Like someone else has said, you’re a baby mama, and he’s a single guy.

He doesnt consider you as a partner.

You are an ex and the mother of one of his kids.

You deserve so much more. Leave him.

My daughter is 12, we had her in 2010 stayed together for a little while then parted. It was only 4 years ago that we reconnected. The events he takes her to are birthday meals (for the girlfriends too), days out and holidays. I just sit at home while they go or do my own thing, it makes me sad but there’s a reason he doesn’t want me there. I don’t understand it either, I’ve been asking myself for so long and all I can think of is that I’m not good enough and he is ashamed of me. His daughter is 5 sorry, so she was only 1 when we started talking again. Yes you’re right

Jesus wept!

You're just some bit on the side and he probably has many sides.

He is not your boyfriend.

Your poor child.

I ask this kindly, what makes you think you’re in a relationship?

• his friends don’t know you exist
• he never takes you out anywhere
• you live 1.5hrs apart
• you don’t holiday together

how often do you even see him?

Maybe I just want to give my child what I had growing up but I guess some people can’t and won’t step up or change

He will only come every other weekend, if I ask to see him a bit more he won’t.

Maybe I just want to give my child what I had growing up but I guess some people can’t and won’t step up or change

you can’t with this guy. Your DD needs to see her mum happy and model good relationshipS. You’re not doing her any favours at all.

A second phone, the silent treatment, never taken me out on a date, not including me in anything, blaming me for everything, he would go months without even kissing me.

Oh @Nic12312344 come on. You can't seriously think that this is any life for you (or your daughter). Please, please see this for what it is. He doesn't love you, doesn't want to spend any time with you and basically pretends you don't exist?! You can't think that's all you are worth?!

In another post you say "Maybe I just want to give my child what I had growing up". Which is what?! Because a healthy and happy family dynamic this is not! If you're happy for your daughter to see you treated like this then crack on but if you actually want to set a good example for her then get rid of this absolute bellend. I was going to say you'd be far better single but it sounds like you are anyway so what would even change?!

Yes. There was a time I tried to contact her via social media, he quickly found out (not sure if he had access to her account) and I was instantly blocked, he then text me to say that’s harassment so I’ve never done it again. I would love to have contact with his ex for the simple fact that I have built a lovely bond with his daughter. I confronted him last night and asked if he would be happy to stop following the girl (from my original post) and he said no and told me not to dare contact her (I wouldn’t anyway) because that would be harassment, now I’m left feeling like it’s my fault again and his giving me the silent treatment which he knows affects me. Do you mean only issue with myself or the relationship?

Contacting people to check what is going on is NOT harassment (unless you persist after they ask you to stop contacting them). He is just telling you that to scare you into not finding out the truth about him.

I mean issues with him, i can tell he's abusive.

That ex with his other child, I suspect he's also with her and she's getting the same shit as you....does he monitor your fb messages? Fb usage?

all those things aren’t normal to me anymore, my boundaries, wants and needs have gone because I just accepted it and it became normal. No you’re right about the family dynamic, I think maybe I’ve just been blindsided. I don’t really talk to people about the relationship so coming on here has really helped open my eyes

He's told her to block you. Not to dare talk to you because its harrasment...do you see what's happening? Noone can put together the pieces of what he's doing or who he really is because he makes it so you're too afraid to.

You call him your boyfriend. What exactly does he do that a boyfriend would do?

I have suspected that too but he will tell me I’m being silly and that he hates her. No, he’s not able to access my accounts (doesn’t have my password) to be honest I don’t really use social media. I think when I had messaged his ex he was logged into her account and that’s how he see I had messaged.