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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve never met his friends! am I being paranoid?

129 replies

Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 18:40

So I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years although I have known him for 12 years ( we have a daughter together). I have never met his friends ever, he does have trust issues etc from childhood so I kind of give him empathy with that and understand why he can be the way he is. A long story short, he has Instagram but doesn’t follow me and it’s a private profile. I found he was following a girl and liking her pictures, so I asked him about this, he instantly got defensive and told me I was a stalker which isn’t true. He admitted the girl was one of his friends girlfriends friends and she goes to party’s and stuff when he’s there. Bear in mind his friends all have girlfriends so they all go out as couples but I’m never invited. I’m not sure they even know about me. I know what’s his like, his very private with his life but there are reasons for this. But I find it confusing how he can like this girls pictures who is around in social events and also follow her when I’m not even able to follow him. He said it means nothing to him liking her pics etc but to me you’re giving her the green light by liking her pictures. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
TheTartfulLodger · 06/05/2024 20:22

Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 19:41

There’s been reasons such as: their his friends not mine and just because everyone else thinks it’s normal to take their girlfriends to couples events that it doesn’t mean it’s normal for him. He knows how it makes me feel but just says I’m being silly and it’s nothing to do with me it’s just how he is. Yes they know about my daughter, she’s goes to most of the events/holidays with him and his friends. I do feel like his ashamed of me :(

Show quote history

So he goes to these couples events by himself then?

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 20:25

TheTartfulLodger · 06/05/2024 20:22

So he goes to these couples events by himself then?

Show quote history

He goes on his own yes but he will take my daughter to some things

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 06/05/2024 20:27

AgreeableDragon · 06/05/2024 19:11

My best guess is he's married! You're the other woman.

Oh…!

Dery · 06/05/2024 20:33

@Nic12312344 - this is not a proper relationship. He takes your shared daughter on couples holidays with his friends but not you. As a PP said - it sounds like he just sees you as the mother of his child, not his partner. This is not how a loving partner behaves. You’d be better off moving on.

Hillrunning · 06/05/2024 20:34

He takes your daughter along but not you? That is so odd. Surely even his friends think it is odd.

Look if someone loves you, or even just likes you, they want you at events with them. Maybe not every single time but generally. This man doesn't even like you. Separate and get on with your life.

Garlicked · 06/05/2024 20:36

Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 20:05

Honestly, I don’t want to but I’m starting to question where I draw the line

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Obviously, I'd say you draw the line HERE, NOW.

But if you're still dithering - have you never just turned up at some of these events, unannounced? If you did, what happened?

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 20:38

Garlicked · 06/05/2024 20:36

Obviously, I'd say you draw the line HERE, NOW.

But if you're still dithering - have you never just turned up at some of these events, unannounced? If you did, what happened?

Show quote history

I know what you mean, I guess I just feel too much just to give up.

I haven’t no, he lives an hour and a half away from me plus I wouldn’t have the confidence to just turn up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nic12312344 · 06/05/2024 20:41

Hillrunning · 06/05/2024 20:34

He takes your daughter along but not you? That is so odd. Surely even his friends think it is odd.

Look if someone loves you, or even just likes you, they want you at events with them. Maybe not every single time but generally. This man doesn't even like you. Separate and get on with your life.

I’m guessing they would think that’s odd, as they wouldn’t do that to their partners. I know, I would invite him to events, especially if it was a couples thing.

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 06/05/2024 20:59

Cultural difference? I dated a man for a bit and couldn't meet his friends or family (well, some of the western/ work ones I could). Said in his culture dating isn't accepted UNTIL it's serious. Turns out he just didn't see me as marriage material! His current fiancée was introduced and welcomed ASAP. Sounds utterly charming but he's actually a lovely bloke and we're close friends now. We just weren't each other's person romantically.

Sorry to digress about me. Cultural difference or not, it sounds like he just doesn't see you as his long term love match despite being his kid's mum and knowing each other a long time so he's keeping you somewhat separated from his life. Even if he saw social integration differently to you he would compromise if he cared and was fully in it with you.

I don't know about the woman you mentioned (bit confused, isn't she a friend's GF?) but if he is hiding his socials etc then I wouldn't discount his friends being party to goings on he doesn't want you being made aware of.

Obviously I can't be sure but you deserve better and this is making you unhappy.

Why not let him know enough is enough of being hidden, you won't have your child seeing this as an example of a relationship. Then continue as co-parents. Stop providing comfort and familiarity on his terms. You're worth more.

MermaidEyes · 07/05/2024 09:05

Look if someone loves you, or even just likes you, they want you at events with them. Maybe not every single time but generally. This man doesn't even like you. Separate and get on with your life.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this. Curious how long you'd been together before getting pregnant, and whether it was planned, because he sounds like he's only with you now (in the loosest term) because you have a child together, not because he actually likes/loves you and enjoys your company. I'm assuming his mates all think you're not in a relationship so they don't expect you to turn up. He's quite clearly thinking the same. Stop being a mug and get rid. There's many better guys out there worth your time than this one.

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:08

MermaidEyes · 07/05/2024 09:05

Look if someone loves you, or even just likes you, they want you at events with them. Maybe not every single time but generally. This man doesn't even like you. Separate and get on with your life.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this. Curious how long you'd been together before getting pregnant, and whether it was planned, because he sounds like he's only with you now (in the loosest term) because you have a child together, not because he actually likes/loves you and enjoys your company. I'm assuming his mates all think you're not in a relationship so they don't expect you to turn up. He's quite clearly thinking the same. Stop being a mug and get rid. There's many better guys out there worth your time than this one.

i was young when I had my daughter, she wasn’t planned no and we hadn’t been together very long but we stayed together for a while after. His mates don’t know about me, they obviously know we have a daughter together but they don’t know were have reconnected. I just find it so hard to leave

OP posts:
Bloom15 · 07/05/2024 09:18

You aren't in a relationship with this man - he probably has another partner. Ditch him and get onto CMS. He doesn't care about you

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:22

Bloom15 · 07/05/2024 09:18

You aren't in a relationship with this man - he probably has another partner. Ditch him and get onto CMS. He doesn't care about you

A lot of people on here have said this and I really appreciate everyone’s honesty, even if it does hurt. Thank you for your message

OP posts:
Newnamesameoldlurker · 07/05/2024 09:29

Oh OP- this relationship is going to absolutely ruin your self- esteem if it hasn't already. Think about the example your daughter is witnessing - would you want this for her? There's a man out there who will be so proud to be with you and delighted to introduce you to everyone he knows

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:37

Newnamesameoldlurker · 07/05/2024 09:29

Oh OP- this relationship is going to absolutely ruin your self- esteem if it hasn't already. Think about the example your daughter is witnessing - would you want this for her? There's a man out there who will be so proud to be with you and delighted to introduce you to everyone he knows

I think sadly it ruined my self esteem a long time ago. My daughter even asks me why I’m never invited and says it’s weird. Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:38

OccasionalHope · 06/05/2024 20:21

Sorry, OP, but it definitely sounds like you’re the Other Woman and his friends all know his wife/more serious gf.

But how does he explain the presence of his daughter who is unconnected to his ‘real’ wife/gf?

Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:42

Unless this other woman got with him AFTER OP and he’s telling everyone he’s not with OP anymore. But if your daughter is old enough to tell you she finds it weird, she’s surely old enough to tell you if he’s in a relationship with another woman at these social gatherings. Unless she doesn’t get an invite either…,?

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:47

Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:42

Unless this other woman got with him AFTER OP and he’s telling everyone he’s not with OP anymore. But if your daughter is old enough to tell you she finds it weird, she’s surely old enough to tell you if he’s in a relationship with another woman at these social gatherings. Unless she doesn’t get an invite either…,?

While we were separated he did meet someone else, they were together a few years and she never met his family or friends either. Maybe she’s still in the picture, I don’t know

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:49

Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:47

While we were separated he did meet someone else, they were together a few years and she never met his family or friends either. Maybe she’s still in the picture, I don’t know

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Sorry OP, it does sound like he got back together with you and hadn’t broken up with her, or is keeping his options open, or with someone else. Has your daughter not noticed him being with anyone else when she sees him?

Original poster
Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:50

Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:49

Sorry OP, it does sound like he got back together with you and hadn’t broken up with her, or is keeping his options open, or with someone else. Has your daughter not noticed him being with anyone else when she sees him?

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She hasn’t no, he wouldn’t introduce my daughter to anyone because she’s old enough to tell me about it

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 07/05/2024 09:55

Nic12312344 · 07/05/2024 09:50

She hasn’t no, he wouldn’t introduce my daughter to anyone because she’s old enough to tell me about it

Show quote history

Sorry OP, sending you a massive hug.

You can’t be happy in this situation. You probably don’t want to bring it up in case your suspicions are confirmed and he ends it with you. But you can do so much better for yourself, despite what you may think.

It sounds like you may have a bit of low self esteem. Would you be able to look
to join a couple of social groups based on hobbies or classes where you could broaden your social circle and, who knows, may meet someone a lot better for you, if not some supportive new friends?

Good luck 💐

Dery · 07/05/2024 09:58

You say that you feel too much for him to give him up. You’re just wasting love here. Love between adults must be conditional. If someone neglects you and hurts you, you need to take your love back. It hurts a lot. But it will pass.

As much as anything, he’s just a habit because you’ve been with him on and off since you were young. But that’s a bad reason to stay. At the moment, you’re just allowing yourself to stay stuck. And setting an appalling example for your DD. If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for her sake. Otherwise, she’s learning that men keep their women secret and women sit at home waiting for them. She’s learning that men have all the power in a relationship.

Your love for him will die if you let it. Take it back and save it for someone who cares about you and wants to show you off to his friends.

Opentooffers · 07/05/2024 10:10

Hang on, so you have actually been split up for years since having your DD? I think you are the only one who thinks he is a BF and to him you are still the ex. He probably does date others. Has he actually said you are his GF? Do you go out together without your DD? Or do you just have sex occasionally?
I think you'll find there is nothing to leave, or that needs doing other than stop having sex with him. It doesn't sound like you ever got back together.

Ellena646 · 07/05/2024 10:21

I am sorry you have experienced this. Firstly, we are not here to be men's therapists: no matter what his childhood experience it is not an excuse for their bad behaviour. Either they are datable or they are not, and it is not on you to make excuses for him. Secondly, it is a huge red flag if you are being "pocketed' look it up, it means excluded from his family and friends. He could have (as dramatic as it sounds, it happens) a whole other family or life. Thirdly that he gaslit when you mentioned the instagram situation is appalling and emotionally coercive. Do you really want to be with a man who is unaccountable and keeps you on the outside as a back-up plan? I would sit him down and tell him that either he includes you in his real life and social media life, or he can go and find some other mug!

MermaidEyes · 07/05/2024 10:32

i was young when I had my daughter, she wasn’t planned no and we hadn’t been together very long but we stayed together for a while after. His mates don’t know about me, they obviously know we have a daughter together but they don’t know were have reconnected. I just find it so hard to leave

You need to really, really find the courage to leave. It'll be the best thing you ever do. As others have pointed out, if you don't, you're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of choosing shitty men because she thinks that's just what you do. Lead by example.