Advice please - sexless relationship

[cuddlyavuncular]

I’m 55. Married (second time) with two kids, 14 and seven. Wife and I have been together 19 years, married 13, but have had an essentially sexless relationship for a decade. She has ongoing health problems - severe anxiety and depression, more recently diabetes - and had a full hysterectomy a year ago (following an infected appendix). The decline in our sex life began after the birth of our first child (prior to that we had a fulfilling sex life, in spite of her anxiety and depression). Now there’s no real intimacy between us - not just sex but holding hands, kissing - and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept. I’ve tried talking to her about it over the years but recently even that has stopped - according to her there’s no point as nothing will have changed. I don’t know what to do.

Hi OP, is there any chance the two of you could have a night away together or even just a night out maybe for a meal and a few drinks? It sounds like maybe it goes beyond just being sexless and you’ve fallen into more room mates/friends. It may be that a night just the two of you, no pressure, no stress, to remember the couple you were before there were kids, house/life stresses in the way might help to remind both of you of the relationship you used to have and that could prompt the start of some intimacy again? It’s a tricky one because once you’re at that point any conversations about it can come across as added pressure/stress and having an intimate relationship shouldn’t feel like an added task on your to do list so I do think if you can get some space just the two of you to relax, have some fun, have an easy chat, could help?

How old is your wife op?

It sounds like she's had a very hard couple of years.

"According to her nothing will have changed"

What does she want to change op ?

We’ve tried nights out a few times - when we can get a sitter - but more often than not it gets cancelled last minute (at her request). On the rare occasion we have made it out the door we have a laugh but it’s more as friends - any hint of intimacy or the subject of our relationship and it will be time to go home.

She is 51. It has been a hard couple of years and I’m very conscious of that. But the issues go further back. I don’t know that she wants anything to change - she says she isn’t bothered by our lack of intimacy - but that precludes even talking about the impact on us.

It sounds like she really isn't interested in sex any more. Your options appear to be stay as you are, negotiate an open relationship or separate. It doesn't sound like she would be up for going to therapy with you which seems to be the only other option. Sorry op.

It's not a matter of age either. DH and I are 55 and still have a very active sex life.

Of course having a hysterectomy would very likely have a negative affect on the libido. Is she open to HRT? I love it as I feel like I am in my 30s. I'm sure it's very difficult if she refuses to talk about it tho. Not sure how you can proceed if one partner is stonewalling.

Might be worth trying relationship counselling to get an open discussion of what's going on.

Since you no longer even kiss or cuddle, there's quite a long road if she is interested in trying to get on track.

If she's not interested in resuming a sex life with you ever again, what will you do?

Her loss of interest long preceded the hysterectomy. That said she started HRT following the hysterectomy - it has made no difference.

I honestly don’t know. It’s her that I love and want. But I’m only 55 and the idea of another ten or twenty years without intimacy fills me with dread. I don’t want to grow to resent her.

I think you need to tell her more emphatically about the impact on you. People don't have to confront every bad thing in life but they do have to confront some things- not to create trauma, but to confront the things that lead them to grow.

Her options will be a) confront the issues between you in therapy, either shared or separate, with discussion and support from you. b) confront the fear and jealousy of losing you in opening up the marriage, with lots of discussion and support from you. c) deal with the compartmentalised of doing a DADT permission for you to have an affair. d) deal with the pain of you leaving.

I would lovingly lay this out to her and genuinely ask her what she would prefer because staying as is, is not an option. You will have an affair, and that takes choice away from her and it might not be done in a controlled way and you might fall for someone else. So I'd say that's not such a great option.

Before doing all this though you need to get very clear with yourself. If it comes to it, is your best alternative, to stay and never have sex again, or to leave her? Because there is no sense in trying for a better, kinder way forward to enable you to stay together, if you're not actually committed to voicing your own needs and sticking by it. That's the growth you have to do.

She may have got what she wanted when your child was born unfortunately.

Excellent answer

I don't think you are hearing.

You are conversing about the lack of sex with her and she says what's the point nothing will change.

She's not meaning the sex, she wants something from you.
Something you will not give her or are unable to, by the sounds of it you don't want to even recognise or listen to what she wants or needs.

Sorry perhaps didn’t explain very well.

We’re not talking about our sex life at all - when I try and raise the subject she’s quite clear that there’s nothing more to say on that matter as her feelings and/or interest in intimacy have not changed.

In all other respects we talk a lot, she tells me that she is happy in our relationship, that she loves me, that she doesn’t want to lose me or for me to change in any way.

Obviously I know I'm in no way perfect. And of course everything’s not OK. But if there’s something I’m missing it’s not for want of listening or trying to understand.

So she refuses to give you any explanation as to why she's not had sex with you in the past ten years.

And she refuses to tell you why it will not happen now or ever again.

Is that correct ?

i came on here originally as I was struggling in my marriage.
There was no sex, and also I was the only one working, doing housework etc.
At some point, why would she want change? Intimacy takes positive effort and if she does not feel she is missing out and does not want to put in the effort, why should she?
Unless she is positively concerned with your feelings, it will not seem important. Sorry, I am not offering much hope.
It was almost a decade ago when I first posted and was accused of being an abusive monster! Things have changed a lot on MN since then.

I can reflect that in my case, there was toxic masculinity. I thought I could change things and that the responsibility for our mutual happiness was with me. It is not, It takes two.

I am going to assume that you work, that you are reasonably fit and healthy, that you tae your half of the housework, take the emotional burden and try to make her feel valued?

Obviously I know I'm in no way perfect. And of course everything’s not
OK. But if there’s something I’m missing it’s not for want of listening
or trying to understand.

Have you hurt her in someway ?

No. Or at least not as far as I know. Never cheated or been abusive. Pull my weight with the chores and the kids. Encourage and support her in her work and to go out with her friends (really important for her mental health).

I’m not sure explanation is quite the right word. She doesn’t want to is what she says - that’s reason enough in terms of her body and feelings - so she’s not refusing. Shesays she doesn’t know why she feels how she feels - why her libido is lowered - the refusal if any is to engage with the impact and if/how we deal with it.

Life’s too short. Get it somewhere else or move on. Difficult, but as I’ve said, life is too short.

She doesn’t fancy you, have you changed appearance? Do you look after yourself?

You need to leave her, it's not fair on you. You could meet a woman who can give you a proper relationship. I'm sure you can stay friends with the mother of your children and coparent, that's pretty much what you're doing now.

I work, as does she. I suffer from depression myself (but it’s well managed). I’m overweight but otherwise reasonably healthy. I objectively do at least half of the chores, and due to her meds and anxiety I have always done most of the night waking and all of the morning care for our kids. I do as much as I can to support her emotionally and to make her feel valued (her depression manifests as massive self doubt and dislike, so it’s often a struggle).

She can't force you into a life of celibacy, 10 years is a long time, you are entitled to a sex life and if she won't give you that she has to accept that your relationship is non sexual and you're free to find a sexual partner.

@cuddlyavuncular, thank you for the update.
May I ask how severe your depression is?
I saw your name after I asked about weight. Frankly, it is worth tackling. It would be good for the depression and involves putting yourself first. Being sexless is tough, in large part because it is someone else making the decision with no regard for you. Tackling the weight is something where you can take control of your life and get back some of the confidence that might be hit.

I suspect if your wife was on here she would either say that you should have grown out of sex or that you have sex once or twice a month. I assume you are both British? She might also feel she does 90% of the housework.

Your marriage is far better than my previous marriage was. There is a tendency on MN to assume that wives are all selfless angels and be shocked if one is not. It is good that she has a job and helps with housework. That is not bad for a marriage. On MN at the moment, they will claim she is a terrible wife, a decade ago they called me abusive, times change.

May I ask what your wife would write about your marriage if she was on here?