Advice please - sexless relationship

[cuddlyavuncular]

I’m 55. Married (second time) with two kids, 14 and seven. Wife and I have been together 19 years, married 13, but have had an essentially sexless relationship for a decade. She has ongoing health problems - severe anxiety and depression, more recently diabetes - and had a full hysterectomy a year ago (following an infected appendix). The decline in our sex life began after the birth of our first child (prior to that we had a fulfilling sex life, in spite of her anxiety and depression). Now there’s no real intimacy between us - not just sex but holding hands, kissing - and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept. I’ve tried talking to her about it over the years but recently even that has stopped - according to her there’s no point as nothing will have changed. I don’t know what to do.

Whether she wants to talk about it or not you must find a time and ask her for her opinions. 55 is too young to be in a sexless relationship and she is being grossly unfair in refusing to try and improve things

We've all probably had health issues, body image issues, traumatic delivery memories etc etc but that is life sadly and relationships need attention. Intimacy is an important part of that.

Her options are to work with you to reconnect physically be it watching erotic films together, talking about fantasies whatever, separating or have an open marriage. I bet she'll think twice if she thinks there's a possibility you've had enough.

I’ve been in this position although i tried to resolve for four years. I was the wife. I divorced him. I still remember how it made me feel, I couldn’t even watch any romance or tenderness infront of him on TV without feeling upset or rage. He did nothing to acknowledge how I felt. How I begged him to tell me what could make it better and how I felt such a failure. I couldn’t continue and I wouldn’t expect anyone else to either. Essentially if you stay you have someone dictating how you love your life and stonewall you. I wasted far too long trying to make it work for the sake of my family and I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want to engage in anything outside the marriage as it was the intimacy I missed most of all. I know some people can’t help the way they feel and don’t want have the intimacy or miss it but they want the other bits that it brings that benefits them and in my view that’s utterly selfish. Good men stay but at what cost. You only have one life and if its a compromise too far then I you have some serious thinking to do.

Oh God there's no need to get defensive and on your high horse @JenniferBooth . I'm a regular on the Women's Rights forum, so don't go on to me about gender stereotyping. There's no agenda here. I also don't have children.

It's not about gender. It's about biology. Obviously there are women like you. Congratulations! It's not some kind of unheard of thing and I never said it was. Hence why I said 'SOME' women and 'IT AFFECTS PEOPLE DIFFERENTLY'.

Can't you read??

Of course i can read but thanks to fucking BT i have to read and post quickly before i lose my internet AGAIN so i might miss the odd word here and there Engineer is due out tommorrow

I don't think my weight is the issue either TBH (although it does feature in a few comments and suggestions).

If she was ok with your weight there wouldn’t be comments or suggestions. It sounds like it was a problem in your first marriage leading to ultimatums and you failed to address it and you’re doing the same thing now. I think this is what she means when she says nothing will change.

A bmi of around 30 means you are in the morbidly obese category. You are viewing your wife’s lack of attraction as something that needs to be fixed with counselling, Docters and hormones. Yet what about you? What have you done to fix this problem? I suggest it is you that needs to see a counsellor to work out why your first marriage failed because of your weight problems and now your second one is failing too.

If you had said you were morbidly obese in your op the responses would have been very different.

Hi there. I do appreciate your comments but I think you've misunderstood or made some fairly big assumptions. Maybe I haven't been clear.

The comments and suggestions have been from contributors here - it is not an issue for my wife (I was heavy when we got together) - and other than when I have expressed a desire to lose weight and/or make more time to exercise (both of which she is supportive of, for my sake not hers) she has never mentioned it.

My first wife made any number of ultimatums around different ways I should change. We didn't break up over my weight (there were a lot of other reasons). I mentioned that only as a contrast to the acceptance of me that my wife shows - she loves me for who I am not who I could be if I 'bettered' myself.

Also sorry to be contradictory but a BMI around 30 is not morbidly obese. 30 is the boundary between overweight and obese.

@cuddlyavuncular, When I first posted here, I was in a sexless marriage, in which I did almost all the housework, was the only one with a job, was being falling ill through exhaustion while listening to her complain.
Most comments were that I was abusive for keeping her as a third world (? complete fiction) sex slave (?), who was having to work full time (???) and do all the housework (?????). To have only had one poster be nasty is pretty good going.

This has absolutely nothing to do with weight @cuddlyavuncular Ive been where you are and went to Slimming World and lost ten stone. It made absolutely no difference. What it did do was cause me to have gallstones which lost me my job so after the operation to remove my gallbladder i had to find another job. The job where i met OM. DH had not touched me in any way for seven years at that point.

If OPs wife was turned on by heavier men would people be advising OP to gain five stone.

In all other respects we talk a lot, she tells me that she is happy in our relationship, that she loves me, that she doesn’t want to lose me or for me to change in any way.

Sorry but I don't think she really does love you. A fundamental part of loving someone you want their happiness. She doesn't seem to care about how the lack of intimacy is affecting you. I'm not suggesting she should just give in and start having sex again just to satisfy you (and anyway, most people would find that the most unsatisfying sex ever - being fancied by your partner is essential for most people). But she should at least be open to discussing the intimacy and sex, rather than just shutting down the conversation immediately. She clearly knows you aren't enjoying the status quo because of your attempts to discuss it.

Sounds like she loves the stability of your marriage and your companionship, financial security, and maybe even the concept of you. But doesn't appear she really loves you for you. She might well even realise that's the case, but isn't going to admit it because that would implode your marriage - and she probably prefers the current arrangement to being single or trying to find someone else. Or maybe she just thinks it's better to stay together for the sake of the kids.

Unfortunately you're going to have to lay it on pretty bluntly if you can't ease her into the discussion. Tell her you it's a conversation that needs to be had for the sake of your marriage.

@altmember thank you for your post - not an easy read for me but direct, honest and insightful. This whole thread has been quite a challenge but people’s contributions have really helped me to see the situation with fresh eyes.

There is a great danger that you are an OK housemate to her.
That is why couples therapy can be useful. In recent years, you are much more likely to be heard that previously.

If your wife won't engage with a conversation (unreasonable imo) how would a letter/email be received?
Obviously I wouldn't suggest you say 'I want sex' but your feelings are valid too.
It would surely be beneficial for you to understand her reasoning for settling into a friend zone marriage.
In your situation, if no discussion/agreement to counselling was reached, I would be making plans to separate.
You have a long loveless road ahead otherwise.

My first wife made any number of ultimatums around different ways I should change. We didn't break up over my weight (there were a lot of other reasons). I mentioned that only as a contrast to the acceptance of me that my wife shows - she loves me for who I am not who I could be if I 'bettered' myself.

No she doesn’t op. She doesn’t have sex with you or hug you and she doesn’t want to take any steps to improve things either. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you for who you are.

You acknowledge you are overweight and it was a problem (amongst others) in your first marriage. I think this is the elephant in the room.

It's a tough one. Does she like reading? If yes you can try getting her a book by Karen Gurney "Mind the Gap".

Again. I'm borderline but not morbidly obese.

My ex mentioned it occasionally in a long list of 'these are the failings you need to address if we're going to stay together'. We're on good terms now and I can confidently say it was not actually a fundamental problem (just a way for her to occasionally hit out at me as she knew it would sting and/or to help her feel able to end our relationship).

My wife has never known me as anything other than heavy. Our sex life has changed when my weight has not. You may well be right that she doesn't love me in quite the way I think she does. I thank you for that insight. But what she feels for me is not contingent on me meeting some arbitrary standard of weight set by her.

She would explicitly reject your suggestion (I know, I have asked). Given that she is herself (currently) overweight - and has struggled with her own weight all her life - I believe her. For the record I still fancy her regardless.

I've mentioned my weight only because someone asked if I was generally healthy (I am) and noticed my (unrelated) username (which reflects my tactility with friends).

It was you that came in with specific questions about how much I weigh - and has subsequently asserted (assumed) that is the problem. Respectfully - if there's an elephant in the room (interesting choice of phrase) - it's your need to make weight an issue.

'It was you that came in with specific questions about how much I weigh - and has subsequently asserted (assumed) that is the problem. Respectfully - if there's an elephant in the room (interesting choice of phrase) - it's your need to make weight an issue.'

Yes it's interesting that if a poster was female and fat, posting that her dp didn't appear to fancy her anymore most people would put the blame on her dp not her. Yet here we have an 'elephant in the room' being your size.

If you've always been the same build of course it won't be that.

As I said before she can refuse sex obviously but cannot refuse to discuss and come up with a plan even if it's an open marriage if she really cba.

I suspect that it would be considered horrific to not make the effort to find your wife attractive with weight gain and it is not horrific if it si a man. Double standards, but what can we do?
I think there are a couple of questions that need addressing.

• Is she perfectly happy with the situation as it is? She might prefer him to be happy, but then she might just find his unhappiness his unreasonableness and his issue. Not her concern?
• If no: Then is there something we can address?
• If yes: We are into the field of what would @cuddlyavuncular be prepared to do about it?

The issue might be that she will consider his unhappiness his issues and his wants rather rapey. I think most would in her shoes.

But we do not know as yet.

Rubbish Plenty of women criticise other women for their weight. Look how quickly this thread filled up with it
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069703-why-are-there-so-many-overweight-and-obese-british-women

@JenniferBooth, yes, obviously. I was on that thread aruging against being a judgemental cow as a form of social help. We might feel different if a husband was like that about a wife. The point is that does not matter.
Frankly, as he OP has explained, it is unlikely to be a major issue.

I absolutely agree OPs weight has nothing to do with it

It might be true. We cannot know.
And we will not, ultimately it is none of our business.

It was you that came in with specific questions about how much I weigh - and has subsequently asserted (assumed) that is the problem. Respectfully - if there's an elephant in the room (interesting choice of phrase) - it's your need to make weight an issue.

You have asked for advice and I’ve given you mine like many other people. If I was in your position I would do everything I could to be as physically attractive as possible.

Despite the fact your wife will not discuss the issue at all you seem absolutely certain your weight is not a problem. Because she does know why she doesn’t want to have sex. She just doesn’t want to tell you.

It’s very very difficult to tell somebody their weight is a problem. So lots of women instead focus on the health aspects of being heavy. Does your wife have concerns about your overall health? You must be aware of the health risks and I say that as someone who is also on the heavier side.

'It’s very very difficult to tell somebody their weight is a problem. So lots of women instead focus on the health aspects of being heavy. Does your wife have concerns about your overall health? You must be aware of the health risks and I say that as someone who is also on the heavier side.'

I think the op said she's overweight? It would be a bit hypocrital if she started lecturing him on health risks.

Like many people , men and women, I bet she is complacent probably thinks her dp will just put up with it as many do. That is not fair. Either try to address or separate imo, life is too short to feel rejected.

@Diycheater, He thinks it is unlikely. I have already said it needs addressing. I am not sure your anger is about him.
It might be an issue, he should address it regardless. To assume it is key is a massive leap.