Advice please - sexless relationship

[cuddlyavuncular]

I’m 55. Married (second time) with two kids, 14 and seven. Wife and I have been together 19 years, married 13, but have had an essentially sexless relationship for a decade. She has ongoing health problems - severe anxiety and depression, more recently diabetes - and had a full hysterectomy a year ago (following an infected appendix). The decline in our sex life began after the birth of our first child (prior to that we had a fulfilling sex life, in spite of her anxiety and depression). Now there’s no real intimacy between us - not just sex but holding hands, kissing - and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept. I’ve tried talking to her about it over the years but recently even that has stopped - according to her there’s no point as nothing will have changed. I don’t know what to do.

So I'm in the same position, but the other side of the coin. I'm 55, going through the menopause. I'm tired, I've put on weight, I have no self confidence, and hate how I look. I'm self employed therefore I work so hard, plus we've got a 13 year old son and I have an elderly mother.

I do most of the housework and cooking, and running around...so yes....sex is not on the forefront of my mind, which is a major issue for my partner.

I don't want to be groped like a prized chicken when I take my bra off at the end of the day...but I would like some understanding, a bit of romance and to be told I'm loved.... sex for women is from the brain not the groin... how can I feel sexy or want to swing from the light fittings when I'm bloody knackered, feeling unloved and scared that he'll take one look at my once gym honed body and say 'nah...your alright !!!" (Or be worried I'll actually break the light fitting and bring the ceiling down in the process)

Sorry a long ramble, but what I'm trying to say is tell her you love her...spoil her....Compliment her...tell her how gorgeous she is...but not whilst groping her tit .....do the laundry...tell her to put her feet up...simple gestures mean soooo much.

I'm sure you're doing this already....but if not...think about how the last few years have affected her as a woman....men don't have to go through the menopause or hysterectomy, so its difficult how to describe how this effects us..but it really does.

Good luck.....And wish me the same in return !!!!!

Quite sad how many of us, male and female, are in the same position, our marriage isn’t sexless but fairly infrequent but again it’s the lack of feeling wanted that’s the bigger issue, no cuddles, no kisses, little conversation to be honest, just feels like we live in same house, tried talking and asking if there’s a problem but never get any real answer, added to it all she’s reconnected with a male friend from school on the dreaded Facebook and messenger, only know as he cropped up on my people you may know list, only connection they have is school but she seems to like everything he puts on and I know she’s been messaging him probably nothing in it but just reinforces my belief that we don’t have any real relationship anymore, what’s the answer, I don’t know, some good advice on posts on here which are worth a go, good luck in your relationship OP

Not this year. Easily six months since we had any sort of sexual contact. Penetrative sex getting on for 18 months?

Thank you for your post. Your perspective is really helpful. I know she feels unattractive - and I do compliment her (she knows she is lovely to me). Definitely no groping - these days if I brushed her breast in bed I’d more likely move away to avoid her feeling coerced. She is often tired - depression and meds. don’t help - so I realistically do most of the running around (school runs, shopping, etc). And whenever there’s an opportunity for her to rest - eg. mornings when we have nothing to do, or me taking the kids away on my own for a day or two - we take it.

This is an awful situation. You obviously cannot continue like this - you need to seriously talk and she shouldn't be able to shut conversation down like that. There are two people in a marriage, and both have an equal right to discuss things that are importantly to them

You asked about birth trauma.

Our first child was born by (unplanned) c-section after my wife had laboured long and hard (she was amazing). She had quite bad PND - on top of existing severe depression - and that was when she started taking her wider cocktail of medication. Our sex life never fully recovered then, and has declined further and further over time.

Our second child's birth was definitely traumatic. Unlike our daughter he was unplanned - our sex life was so intermittent it didn't even occur to us she might be pregnant until she was five months gone. (Her periods were always quite unpredictable, and she initially thought she was experiencing early menopause.) He arrived six weeks early and I 'delivered' him in our hallway (ambulance was en route).

I think that explains quite a lot of why her interest in sex vanished.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's especially helpful to hear a woman's perspective on this.

I'd be horrified if my behaviour made my wife feel coerced, or like a flesh light. If anything I go to the other extreme - on the rare occasions we have made love in recent years I have sought her reassurance that it's not something she feels compelled to do. To an extent I think that has made it easier for her to feel confident to express her lack of interest.

Your comment about this becoming a (or even another) stick to beat herself with is very insightful. It's possible that's the real barrier to discussing/engaging about this. And it may be that we need professional help to do that (I have suggested it but again without success).

Thank you again.

I’m sure you are right. As soon as I could after our son was born I had the snip to ensure no further risk of pregnancy. And I have tried to be patient and understanding (never expected things to flip straight back) about sex. But it’s harder to accept the complete absence of intimacy and that the impact on our relationship is not even up for discussion.

Has she ever had any counselling or therapy? (Sorry, I had a quick skim over your replies and may have missed if you've said already). I presume she has if she has depression and anxiety. Is she under any current treatment? (As the impossibility of anything changing for her stinks of depression talking for her.)

She's had such a traumatic time with unplanned c-section, unexpected and late discovery of her second pregnancy and more recently the hysterectomy. Of course it's a had an impact on you too, I've no doubt.

I just feel like you seem like a nice couple and it's sad that it's got to this point. It might be worth a good shot of individual and joint counselling, if you can persuade her.

She has had therapy - although not in a long time - made a lot of progress with CBT/mindfulness but stopped practicing - the meds. have been the same for years now too.

I don't think my weight is the issue either TBH (although it does feature in a few comments and suggestions).

I have always been heavy - I eat low carb and mostly veggy as much as I can, I do my 5 by 30 (if not more) most weeks, and I try to think about food content and portion size. It has always bothered me a little but I was heavy when we got together and frankly one of the things I valued most about our relationship was that she loved and wanted me regardless - I felt handsome and sexy when I was with her. That was a great change from my first wife - for whom my weight was often an issue (one over which she would make ultimatums).

There's probably myriad reasons why I've borne the situation for so long. I love her - I want our fun and fulfilling relationship (the best I have ever had) back. It's not her fault she has had health issues - mental and physical - and giving up on someone for that seems wrong. How would she cope? How would our kids be affected? Some of it has been exacerbated by events - childbirth, serious illness - that are now over and I don't want to assume we can't get back - surely we have had our share of bad luck and having waited so long our better times must be just around the corner. Etc.

@cuddlyavuncular As I said I would put money on the fact it's the meds. If she could consider seeing someone privately, like a functional medicine practitioner or a hormone specialist they will be able to educate her on this and suggest better alternatives. Good luck.

Changing her meds. seems to be off the table for her. Losing control of her MH would be devastating I think.

We don't really have the money for private practice. And even if we did she has been quite clear it's not something she's really prepared to countenance/discuss with any doctor.

Thank you for the suggestion though - I will give it a go.

Couples therapy might well be a good start.
If she is not willing to go, I would suggest that is OK. Perhaps start by saying it is your issue so that you will go and speak to the couples therapist alone, she might want to have her say and quickly join you.

@OrlandointheWilderness, it is very bad in one way, but this is also a wife who works, is actively taking care of her MH, does not actively seek to wear him down and does plenty of housework. There is plenty to appreciate which might make the situation harder.

Yes there are many good factors @Sweden99 - but communication is what a relationship lives or dies on. Everything else is a moot point of the either party is unhappy with their sex life. I couldn't live without just because my DP was a good man who took care of housework/MH etc, it's a fundamentally vital part of my life and there is nothing wrong with that.

We don't really have the money for private practice. And even if we did she has been quite clear it's not something she's really prepared to countenance/discuss with any doctor.

Unless you can absolutely flat out not afford to in any way to get some professional assistance with either the medication side of things or/and ideally into some therapy to enable you to have some better communication about what is going on here, it would be very advisable.

Unfortunately, she doesn't get to say that she's not prepared to countenance/ discuss when the relationship hangs upon getting this sorted out. This is not a her problem, it's a joint problem that you both need to put equal energy into working through, and it's ok to be clear that it needs to happen.

If you aren't able to work through it by communicating between you, then find third party assistance. Find a therapist, make an appointment, and let her know when it is. Much cheaper than a divorce.

@OrlandointheWilderness, I agree.

You’re a good man. But It’s difficult to suggest a solution when I myself are going through a similar situation.

my partner has various health issues…so I take on a vast amount of the daily chores and then looking after a busy business, my teenage son and elderly mum. He’s a fabulous Dad to our son however.

I love him Desperately… he’s truly my soul mate, but my need to be physically intimate just isn’t there…where his hasn’t waned at all.

I'm 52 and at 45 entered the menopause quite abruptly. Before this, I'd lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. My doing. I wasn't off sex or frigid. Quite the opposite. I was with someone who I wasn't attracted to. Ten years between us. Menopause made me horny as hell and I entered the sex surge (that a few women get). I still couldn't have any physical contact with my husband. I ended up in an affair (wrong) but it really opened my eyes to what I was missing and they way I was living. I ended my 23 marriage immediately.

Life is too short to live like this. Nothing will change.

So how does that work with child free by choice women, Im nearly 51 and have a high sex drive. Ive also never wanted kids. Sorry that i dont quite fit your gender stereotyping