Advice please - sexless relationship

[cuddlyavuncular]

I’m 55. Married (second time) with two kids, 14 and seven. Wife and I have been together 19 years, married 13, but have had an essentially sexless relationship for a decade. She has ongoing health problems - severe anxiety and depression, more recently diabetes - and had a full hysterectomy a year ago (following an infected appendix). The decline in our sex life began after the birth of our first child (prior to that we had a fulfilling sex life, in spite of her anxiety and depression). Now there’s no real intimacy between us - not just sex but holding hands, kissing - and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept. I’ve tried talking to her about it over the years but recently even that has stopped - according to her there’s no point as nothing will have changed. I don’t know what to do.

Like many people , men and women, I bet she is complacent probably thinks her dp will just put up with it as many do. That is not fair. Either try to address or separate imo, life is too short to feel rejected.

I agree with this and other posters, your wife is taking you for granted @cuddlyavuncular So she isn’t even trying to address the problem. She’s written it off as a non-issue.

If she loves you she isn’t doing a great job of showing it. Aside from the no-sex there’s no affection and no recognition on the impact no sex might be having on you. She doesn’t seem to be considering your needs at all. That is not loving.

And btw re. Above comments / many posters on threads in here do challenge overweight women to lose weight if there’s issues with attraction waning.

(FWIW I agree weight doesn’t seem to be the issue here.)

@Diycheater, He thinks it is unlikely. I have already said it needs addressing. I am not sure your anger is about him.
It might be an issue, he should address it regardless. To assume it is key is a massive leap.

I’m not angry at all. But I bet his wife is angry listening to him suggesting counselling and changing meds while he does nothing to address his borderline obesity.

Is his wife to become his career if his health deteriorates?

There is anger here about a situation none of us understand. There is a lot of projection going on.

This seems to have become a thread about my weight. For reassurance of those concerned I'm well aware of the risks associated with obesity and - like many people, male and female - have struggled most of my life to manage my weight better. It goes down and it goes up. I do my best to minimise the impact and risk to my long term health.

@Diycheater your assertion that I suggest things she can do (counselling, change her meds. etc) whilst absolving myself of agency or responsibility is a little ungenerous.

I came here to seek advice on how I might address an issue that is affecting our relationship constructively and kindly. I've had lots of helpful input on how counselling - me alone, or us together - might help. And on how to raise or suggest it.

Meds. has come up in conversation over the years - most recently when she discussed HRT with her GP following her hysterectomy. Her menopause symptoms were not so bad at that point and - other than a potential increase in libido - her conclusion was that there were no benefits that outweighed her wish not to try it. She wants to minimise the overall amount of medication she takes, and I respect that. When that changed (symptoms worse, and one other med. stopped) she started HRT (and as it happens it made no difference to her libido, so her initial call was a good one).

In any loving and intimate relationship there's always the possibility of health issues that result in caring. Or in an unequal distribution of chores and parenting. I could fall ill or be injured in any number of ways (not just because of my weight). For me that's 'for better or worse'.

If I was to fall ill and need to be cared-for I like to think her response would be something along the lines of "that's fair enough - he has cared for me through my mental and physical health crises over the years - he has supported me emotionally, mentally, physically and even financially (during those years I was too ill to work) - and he has been an active and present parent when I have not been able to."

I might be wrong. And frankly if we still had kids at home I hope very much I would be brave enough and well enough to leave so she could give what time and energy she could muster to looking after them. (She's quite explicit about the fact that I could parent without her far better than she could without me.)

I'm 100% confident that her response would not be "no sorry - he needed to try harder to lose weight over the years - giving up alcohol, swapping his car for a bike, doing at least twice the recommended amount of moderate exercise per week, eating low-carb, intermittent fasting, etc. all that just wasn't quite enough effort."

Anyway - apologies for the length of this one - clearly touched a nerve. I'll be ignoring further posts about my weight (they have made the thread a little toxic for me) but further perspectives on how I might work with my partner to restore sex and intimacy continue to be welcome.

@cuddlyavuncular massive hugs - sounds like you are doing everything you can. And whilst I can sympathise with your wife’s MH and health issues - you can’t do anything else here as it sounds like it’s something she needs to work on.

her shutting down all talks of the impact no intimacy/sex/cuddles etc doesn’t make the problem go away.

Id explain to her that you love her but want your communication to improve between you both and that someone outside and objective will help show you both how to communicate better. It’s not just sex - it is about the ability to communicate feelings and needs better between you both.

I wouldn’t recommend relate for couples counselling but maybe they’ve improved in the 15 years since I used them…

Id also speak to your gp and look at ways of getting treatment/therapy yourself to help
you work through this. Plenty of charity’s and community groups also have access to therapists it’s just a matter of hunting them down.

At the moment it sounds like you are a love in carer and housemate. Not a husband.

if your wife refuses to talk part in personal or couples therapy, refuses to talk about anything, refuses to try to change - what would you do? Would you face another 20+ years of this. Would you want this for when the children are gone and you are alone with her?

good luck with this and I hope things do improve.

@TheCatterall, may I ask why you would not recommend Relate for couples counselling?
I think 15 years is a long time. Counselling has changed a lot I hear. Back then, I imagine the OP would have been condemned as a abusive rapist whereas now MN almost seems anti-woman.

Many reasons. Unsuitable counsellor who kept telling us about how my partner reminded her of her son, the advice was I should have sex with him regardless of unresolved discussions and issues in the relationship because he needed it to be valued. Never mind the atmosphere at home because of said issues didn’t make me feel like having sex. It was all about the physical needs of my partner to make him feel secure in the relationship. The admin and support from head office was hit and miss. Check out the trust pilot reviews on counsellors - not the article reviews. Check out other Mumsnet and net mum posts on them.

@TheCatterall, Good grief!
Yes, it is shocking and not what I expected at all.

1. Divorce. 2. Have an affair (which will most likely lead to 1 eventually. 3. Accept the situation as it is. Personally I think withholding sex within a marriage is abusive and in your position I would go for option 1.

So, dovorce rather than therapy as option 1?
And women should not expect to stay in a marriage if they are not prepared to have sex when thry do not want to?

Give her a book by Karen Gurney "Mind the Gap"?

So I have tried raising the issue and the need to do something - or at least talk - about it. Not a lot of success so far. Had a try today and strongly expressed how badly this is all affecting me. She has suggested maybe I need to increase my anti-depressants.

She's not interested so now you have a choice to make.

I was in a sexless relationship, not what I wanted so I left.

I think this is telling you what you need to know, sadly. I couldn't live in a sexless relationship, and it doesn't sound like you want to either.

Aww op, sounds like she doesn't really care about how you feel. That's a terrible response from her. I'd be thinking of leaving in your shoes.

I (a man) had a similar experience.
My wife was not open to sex, work or housework (she did do the emotional labour of housework).
I learnt that when I spoke with her, she could not see how my issues related to her life. So, just as a neighbour might complain about having so much housework, you might acknowledge it is a shame, but they are also being boring and you are not going to clean their house for them.
Equally, talking about you not getting sex will seem a shame for you, but the idea that she should end up getting divorced because of your problem will seem absurd and cruel. It would be completely lacking in empathy.

As far as your wife is concerned, she is being empathetic to your problems. But they are your problems and it is not reasonable to expect her to act.

I cannot suggest how to get past this. But that was only my experience.

(times have changed, I wrote of my issues ten years ago on here and was slaughtered! MN is far more pro-men and anti-women now than it was then!)

God that's brutal OP. This isn't going to change - I think you have a choice to make.

It’s so difficult when one half of a partnership, OP, has a totally different perspective to the other, have very similar issues, though not the trauma or depression, DW just isn’t interested in sex but doesn’t see it as a problem so won’t discuss it, says she does it when she wants but truly never bothers that maybe I want different things, don’t for one minute think she should have sex just because I say , but there’s nothing , no touching, no kissing, have no answers for OP, but there does come a point where you need to decide if it’s worth the effort for your own health and well-being

Definitely a lot of presumptions about menopausal women. And also the need for men to romance women for days on end, to get any sex. In my experience, a woman either has a sex drive or she doesn't. And if she does, and she's horny, then the game is on, despite who did the washing up! 🙄I'm almost 55 myself (female), and still have a high sex drive. Would happily do it 3-4 times a week. My friends in their 40's & 50's are still having sex.

My DH did have a spell of not wanting sex, but it was actually down to ED, and a fear of failing to perform, which he has now solved with medication. I think the difference between him and your wife, is that my DH wanted to fix things, and was aware that it could be a deal breaker, whereas I'm not sure your wife has any desire to actually fix the problem.

I really feel for you, because not having any sex when you want it, is SO awful. It drove me round the bend. Although I should say here, that the longest we went without was 2 months, but even that killed me.

Do you think she would seek medical help if you threatened separation? Perhaps a GP would prescribe testosterone or something to help.

I just want to jump in and say I'm exactly the same has your wife.
I'm 25 years into a relationship and three years ago I changed completely, didn't want any intimacy, affection, absolutely hated it when he touched me in any way.
I also had a full hysterectomy a few years ago, which has had a massive impact on my relationship.
My partner has been very understanding and accommodating, which just makes me feel even worse if I'm honest.
The reason I'm commenting is I think your wife doesn't love you anymore like a husband, probably more along the lines of a sibling that's why she doesn't want affection from you.
I don't think any amount of counselling is going to change the way she feels tbh, I guess it's upto you if you think that you can continue has you are for the foreseeable or decide to separate from one another and try to find someone with whom you can have a loving relationship with.

So she wants you to dope yourself up rather than address the issue

Hi op she doesn’t want sex - it’s not you - it’s her issue - you really need to decide if you want to remain in the marriage -= a sexless one - it’s as simple as that for you. However painful that will be for you all.
Did she have a traumatic childhood in any way? I know though that anti depressant can dimish sex drive and the menopause- but it has been going on longer that these issues.
Does she have friends, does she go out socially at all? Does she have any spark?
anti depressant should lift your mood - if it’s not helping her then she may need a different one.