Advice please - sexless relationship

[cuddlyavuncular]

I’m 55. Married (second time) with two kids, 14 and seven. Wife and I have been together 19 years, married 13, but have had an essentially sexless relationship for a decade. She has ongoing health problems - severe anxiety and depression, more recently diabetes - and had a full hysterectomy a year ago (following an infected appendix). The decline in our sex life began after the birth of our first child (prior to that we had a fulfilling sex life, in spite of her anxiety and depression). Now there’s no real intimacy between us - not just sex but holding hands, kissing - and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept. I’ve tried talking to her about it over the years but recently even that has stopped - according to her there’s no point as nothing will have changed. I don’t know what to do.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000645835212

this is worth a listen

@cuddlyavuncular, Sorry to keep asking questions.
Does she masterbate when she has privacy?
From context, I am assuming cuddles are out as well as any form of sexual contact?

How over weight are you op

I’m older and greyer than when we first met. But I look after myself as best I can. Overall I’ve not changed appearance more than would be expected, nor more than she has, over the time we have been together.

Not as far as I know.

and yes cuddles are pretty much out too.

It is really unfair if a partner shuts down completely, without any explanation, as it cuts out any hope of rekindling things. Would your wife be open to sex therapy or relationship counselling? Else, you might have a difficult decision ahead of you, otherwise it you will be increasingly frustrated.

@cuddlyavuncular, thank you.
If the BMI is above 30, that should be sorted out.
It is tough to see a way back.

I would ask if you would perhaps be able to write what your wife would say if she wrote on the situation here?

My depression is mild and well controlled. My username is an old nickname - given to me by friends - and not related to my weight. Although I am overweight I eat healthily and stay reasonably active. I’d love to weigh less.

We are both British yes, but she’s quite clear that I do my fair share of housework and she herself has said that our sex life is far less frequent than that.

I have no idea how she would(anonymously) describe our marriage to others. But I will ask her.

I’m not entirely sure. BMI over 30.

An essentially sexless relationship

How often are you having sex?

I really don’t think your weight is the point here.

I agree with this:

“vividdreamingagain · Today 21:40
She can't force you into a life of celibacy, 10 years is a long time, you are entitled to a sex life and if she won't give you that she has to accept that your relationship is non sexual and you're free to find a sexual partner.”

Celibacy in a marriage is fine if it’s a positive choice by both parties.

No-one should have sex they don’t want but for most of us who wish to remain sexually active, our marriage (or long-term relationship) is our source of sexual intimacy.

It’s cruel of your wife to entirely shut that down whilst refusing to explain the problem or do anything to mend the situation on the basis that it suits her fine.

That said, it doesn’t seem likely that your relationship will recover from this alienation. If you want sexual intimacy, you may need to seek it elsewhere either by getting her to agree to open up your marriage or by leaving it.

10 years is a very long time for this to have gone on. I wonder whether some therapy may also help you to work out what’s best for you including why you have borne with this situation for so long.

I have some familiarity with a situation like this, but I was the wife.
not the same, but maybe if I give you my reasons one might ring a bell.

i wanted intimacy from him - like you do, he wanted sex. I couldn’t have sex without intimacy, and he thought ANY intimacy meant sex was forthcoming. I’d be on pain meds and my body was sighing with relief and exhaustion from the break - he’d think that was time for sex. It was awful and sad. There had been multiple instances of sexual coercion from him and I felt like a flesh light . It was a gap I did not know how to bridge. And every time we talked about it, it just made it worse.
I just could not articulate this. I didn’t know why either. I lacked the language without therapy. And the more it was this desperate elephant in the room, the more I shut down physically. It ended very badly.
I’m not saying this is your situations outcome, it’s just I hear myself , in what your wife is saying about how nothing will change. Sometimes we get stuck in patterns of argument and conversation in relationships we really need help to break, and to even become aware of. I would’ve almost jumped off a bridge rather than have the conversation about intimacy again with my ex because he would not hear me when I told him my needs and dismissed them.

At the end of the day,I think the situation is has possibly become too weighted for the two of you to deal with alone. you need therapy - individual for her, and marriage.
without it, and this may be the outcome anyway as it may have festered for too long - you two should separate, or you need to decide if this is something you can live without and completely drop it.
there can be massive guilt attached to knowing you don’t know how to bridge the gap physically or even if you can, and that is a toxic feeling to live with. you know the effect you are having, but you cannot change it. Every conversation about it becomes a stick to beat yourself with.

Stay and live as friends/ formulate a different kind of marriage, separate, or therapy. Don’t keep going in the half world you are in. Both of you deserve better.

This is a horrible case.
In many ways things are good.
You do not have to ask her, I suggest. It is more about putting yourself in her shows.
Would she say the lack of sex is a problem? Would she say it is something you should struggle a bit more to accept? Does her acceptance include sadness?
I might be led too much by your username, but I wonder if she sees you as kind but unattractive?
And a BMI of over 30 does mean it is an issue.

My ex-wife might have written:
"Sweden99 is struggling to accept the responsibilities of married life. He has not struggled before in life like I have so cannot accept it easily. I have moved to a new country and one of the hard things for me is unemployment which is tough as I worked all my life I do housework but it is never to his standard. I am hoping to get qualifications here that might help me develop a career, but it will take time and I think he struggles to understand why.
Our sex life is not what is was either, perhaps once a week at most. I try as often as I can and I know he would like more. It has been tough and I have been struggling with depression. I hope he can get the help he needs. He really needs to have a job that is less demanding so he will not be exhausted all the time"
It is hard to write that as it is very warped, but that is how she would have seen it.

Sorry, this is tough, I am no expert and am looking for hope. It might well e she sees a nice man to have round the house, but little more than that.

@hellnojuliet, what a kind post.

I would put money on the fact that it's the medication that is thwarting desire for intimacy.

I'm sorry OP. Some women do just shut down at that age. It affects people differently, but women's reproductive years are over and they have absolutely no interest in sex any more.

There are other HRT options she could try (like adding testosterone), but if she doesn't want to change, then there's not point. The only thing left you could do is lose that weight, for your own sake too. Make sure you go to the gym, and start eating low carb lunches at a minimum. You might have to cut out bread completely, and that includes things like crumpets or toast. If your taking SSRIs, that can make losing it difficult.

If you are struggling to get her to engage in conversation, perhaps try writing a letter, get it all down own paper and give it to her to read without you in the room. It might be the wake up call she needs for you both to have the discussion you clearly need about your relationship.

His wife is 51, she’s been like this for a decade. IMO it’s unusual for a woman to shut down at 41, unless there are some serious unresolved issues in her marriage.

since there aren’t even any signs of physical affection in the way of hugs etc I find that quite concerning. OP I think you need to ask your wife to attend counselling with you. It’s not really fair for her to expect you to accept this.

Thinking back to your sex life...

Were you selfless in bed op? Were her needs all taken care of? Did she orgasm more than once?

Also, was there any birth trauma?

@Fizzib It is unusual, but not unheard of. Hormones can take a dip earlier in some women. Not unusually, he said it went down after the birth of their first child, and this case, seems to not have recovered. Sad really.

I think so? I certainly tried to be considerate and ensure that our sex life was not just about my needs. I get enjoyment from her pleasure as well as mine. In recent years less so - there was a transition period when intimacy became a chore for her - I felt as if I was being ‘serviced’ and that’s not what I wanted. I suspect I could have carried on ‘using’ her for occasional physical pleasure but that’s the last thing I want.

You may well be right - it’s a potent mix which took some time to get right - and she is understandably cautious about messing with her meds. That said her lack of interest/libido has increased (maybe embedded?) over the years. And it’s not something she is happy to discuss with her doctors.

I might be a minority man but I also differentiate sex and intimacy, and the first without the second isn’t for me. (I’ve never really gone for casual/NSA sex.)