Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

You're one alleged ex-stripper out of how many? And because you've never experienced it that means it doesn't go on? Even though a dog could recognise it does?

Tbh, if you are genuine then I guess its a good thing you're so adamant it doesn't happen, means there are some clubs out there that enforce the 'rule' but I am sorry to tell you that doesn't mean it doesn't go on. I thought most people knew this.

Anyway sorry op I won't derail your thread further by stating the obvious. I hope you're doing ok this morning. Maybe the club was one of the, erm, 'decent' ones, maybe it wasn't, tbh you may never know.

Can't edit my post for some reason. Was just going to add that reading back I can actually see you'd admitted early on in the thread that it goes on, so not quite sure why we ended up disagreeing

It definitely does go on, the guys not paying £115 to see a pair of boobs. What could he get for £230 that he couldn't get for £115. and it's not a curtain they go behind its a door and bouncers at strip clubs are very discreet they arent standing behind every door/curtain .

Every stripper is self employed so why would they worry about the business losing money or other strippers losing money.

Plus if you did something you shouldnt who would know there's only you and the guy in the room for however long he's paid for. After one dance the guys is always what you going to do next if we go again.

I never ever once danced a private dance without at least one bouncer present. I don’t know any women who would not value their safety enough to do something so dangerous.

If it's a private lap dance, it'll be grinding on him, boobs in his face, stimulating him.

Strip clubs are closely tied to prostitution. Some don't operate like this, but I think in many clubs they operate on a system whereby the women have to pay for a spot in the club. They have to work back that money before they even make any profit. It's in the club's interest to provide enough variety and interest, so women face a lot of competition between them. That's how they end up doing sexual acts beyond dancing.

Also, I'm sorry OP. I know why you don't want to split up the family, but he's been unfaithful. Don't force yourself to emotionally take something up you will regret.

Thank everyone. I feel so unwell. I haven't eaten since I found out. I feel overwhelmed like I did when I was grieving in the past.

I let him sleep next to me so we could talk as the kids had been around all day so we hadn't had a chance. I even sent him this thread. He said it was only dances and doesn't know why he did it. He was there from around 11 until 3am, his friends got the last train home instead. I don't know if something happened with his friends as it seems to have come from him feeling sorry for himself but didn't really explain. I didn't have the energy to push it. I got up in the night to sleep on the sofa as I couldn't stand to lay next to him and I felt an urge to escape.

I honestly don't know what to do. It is such a shock. He honestly isn't this sort of person but I know he took it quite far as I think from the person above its 6 dances. He said all different people, one at a time, various lengths of time to explain the cost difference.

I can hear him looking after the kids as I've been useless over last 24 hours. He is such a good Dad. We were so happy. I am honestly grieving for what we had.

We are buying a house, we were meant to be having this happy future together and it's all down the drain.

It's not about money, it's breaking my family up. I don't really have any family and I thought we were a really strong one.

Sorry for going on. I loved him so much and my heart has broken.

Just take all the time you need. You do not have to make any decisions now about anything.

He also needs to start being honest. “I don’t know” just doesn’t quite cut it. He knows exactly why he went in them.

Can he leave for a while / few days or so so you can have some time to process the roller coaster of emotions you’re about to endure?

I honestly think don't break up with him, he knows he's in the wrong and feeling very guilty about it. It's simple not worth the upheaval of all your lives, step mums, step dad's, new partners who will probably have kids already, blended families, moving house, moving school, uprooting the kids, having to explain to both your families etc etc

Yes he's been stupid with money but he can earn more.

He can't say much more to you apart from apologise.

You could ask him to book a weekend away for you and the kids when he gets paid next then you'll feel like you have something out of it and he'll feel it's been put to bed.

Thanks. I feel mainly under pressure because of the house. We are due to exchange next week!
He doesn't have anywhere else to go. Also I need his help with the kids. I'm just hiding in the bedroom upset.
We'll both be back at work tomorrow so it'll give us some space at least.

He was really upset and apologised so much. He said he has nothing without me and the kids. That we are everything he has ever wanted and he knows he has been stupid and reckless for nothing. He said he would do anything for me and he would never do anything like this again.
It does appear to be the first time as I went through all his statements for over a year. I could ask for further back if I need to I suppose.
It's just the fact that he went alone and for so long, and just kept doing it. It is a lot to process. I can't even picture him there, it seems so much at odds with who he is. If you knew him you'd be shocked.

I will say imo a good Dad does not literally spunk away £800 on a number of other women. He needs to find a way of putting that money back into the family himself. If he can do overtime etc thats what he needs to do.

And he is that sort of person, because he did it.

They always say it was just a dance unfortunately. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't. As crude as this sounds if the stain was of decent amount (😩) and was on the inside of his trousers rather than his boxers that would indicate to me he had a hand job at the least (unless his appendage pokes over the top of his boxers 😳)

Do take some time. He'll probably push for you to forgive or do something quickly but it's not his choice or decision. Time for him to stay quiet and see what you decide to do and then he can suggest ways that he can make up for this.

You possibly need to drill down as to what happened with his friends.

It's not an excuse but it might explain some of what was going through his head

If seen it happen with these promoters they jump on lone men with flyers offering discounted entry price and a free drink and free dance. He probably thought just one more drink then got pounced on as soon as he entered.

Don't forget the strippers it's there job to sell themselves for a dance, they are very good at the job and very convincing.

As soon as you enter and sit down with a drink they are talking to you in lingerie asking about your day bla bla bla and making you feel like your some movie star who has women who are very interested in him .

and doesn't know why he did it

🤔🙄

REALLY???

Honestly that's such a pathetic and insulting thing to say after doing this.

Of course he knows why he did it! He just doesn't want to say it out loud to you. It's because he wanted to. Simple. He was turned on, and was like a child in a sweetshop who couldn't get his hand out of the jar.

I really don't think that's the case. @WillYouPutYourCoatOn and @Aussiegirl123456 will say more, but stripping and prostitution are not the same thing. It maybe doesn't help the OP's feelings much to know it, but I don't know why people are so insistent that strippers are prostitutes.

Bit harsh to call yourself a dog. Unnecessary.

And I speak for myself and my colleagues (of whom I have worked with circa 2000, and I would say around 60 I know closely, and all the dancers who have commented on the thread who you are too ignorant to listen to either) who would always eyeroll when someone would start something (generally this sort of made up shite that you have invented) wondering why this particular woman was so determined to invent their own narrative which reflected none of our experiences. And that's not an exaggeration. I mean none of us. Zero. Maybe some inner reflection on your part as to where this desperation and insistence that men simply must be getting wanked off for £100 in strip clubs stems from within you. It's certainly not from any form of actual knowledge. So, what happened to you? I have an idea, because you the things you are coming out with are textbook of a particular group of women who are especially vile about strip clubs and dancers.

And no it doesn't "go on". Don't be deliberately hard of reading. Should someone ever attempt to be "dirty" they were gone. Immediately. So yes, if you were unlucky enough to pick one of the tiny minority of women who attempt this, and she wasn't caught immediately, it could happen.

Bit like saying "Tesco employees thieve." And an employee saying, "er, no we don't ...well of course at some point in time, someone will nick something, but the rare, rare exception far from makes the rule.". And there you are "See! Look! I'm right, it does happen". Do you not see how foolish you look? You think you've got a "gotcha moment." And you really do think that, which is somewhat worrying.

Ask yourself why you have zero knowledge, yet genuinely believe yourself to know better than those with about as much experience as you can get. Zero knowledge, but actually tell people doing the job what the facts are. Remarkable.

You probably find it quite prickly that I'm an ex dancer talking to you, but I'll be truthful with you because it's actually a good thing...

I would absolutely believe he hasn't been in one before. 1) he very much appears to have ordered a chateau du shite champagne, and that's something no one would ever do twice. But it's incredibly easy to sell one to a strip club virgin. You basically tell them how the club works and they nod along and essentially pay what you tell them too, thinking it's what everyone else is doing.

2. His spend pattern. I've highlighted to you what was dances vs drinks. Someone who knew what they were doing wouldn't pay for 15 minute chunks repeatedly. The big earner would have simply heard "I've never been in here before" and sorry, but it's music to our ears. This is the easiest type of customer. And in your DH defence, he wouldn't even know what hit him. It's not about "you could have said no",.of course he could. But if she's a big hitter, you simply don't understand what a lethal level of saleswoman she is. If anyone was going to absolutely rinse him, it was her. There's not many people she wouldn't be able too.

I'll note that not once have I been derogatory about strippers or sex workers.

I'm genuinely baffled why I've hit a nerve thats resulted in you trying to be aggressive and also trying to insult me. As I say I honestly thought everyone knew what really goes on in some of these places. It's not exactly a secret.

If you're worried it makes people think less of the workers I don't think anyone does, it's the men that frequent these places IME that people have the issue with.

It's not the case. This is the crap we have to put up with our entire careers. Prostitutes. Made up stories.

We'd actually get this dickhead groups of women come into our clubs bringing, and I shit you not, little girls necklaces and lip glosses from Poundland, telling us "let me save you."

Fucking hell, go home Margaret. I shall struggle on with my average £1k tonight that I'll earn by wiggling about in the dark, then I'll sit in the changing rooms laughing with the rest of the girls because Jen's regular has brought her hot pink sequined personalised stilettos. I'll nick half of my doormans chips that he's bought at the end of shift. Then I will get into my range rover, and drive home. I'm fine, thank you kindly, I choose to be here you patronising dickhead.

You can literally be standing in front of someone, telling them you love your job. And they will just not have it and will get apoplectic with rage telling you that your are wrong and you do not love your job. It's so bizarre.

Thank you for explaining, especially about the amounts, that does make sense.

With this info I've asked him and he said it was pretty accurate, no touching was involved and he has now confessed it was mainly the same woman persuading him for more.

To be honest, I'm glad she was paid well to put up with man user her for his sexual gratification. I don't blame her, she was doing her job.

He said his friends left early and he was disappointed as he wanted to carry on on the night out. He went for a drink in a bar but was bored. Then he walked passed the strip club and asked in for a drink and dance.

He said he was feeling lonely and old and was too easily persuaded and enjoyed the attention, so he was easily talked into more and more.

He said he had some money set aside and he just thought I wouldn't find out. He ended up spending more than he had realised.

He has said he will close his account and get paid into the joint account (I do this) and then I will be able to see that he doesn't spend his money inappropriately.

I did find one charge for porn download i assume over the last 18 months but nothing else untoward. I can live with porn.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I really do appreciate your opinions as I feel like I can't go to any real life friends about this.

Exactly this 👏
We called customers like this noobs. Within a few mins of one of us knowing we had a noob, we’d all be flinging ourselves his way making him feel like ‘the man’. Flattery gets you everywhere, usually.

Usually they were semi ‘nice’ men and wouldn’t say no to a dance from any of us because they didn’t want to hurt our feelings, so the drinks and the money would flow.

Even better if he was tipsy because it’s easier to get even more money from him.

I would also hazard a guess that those £150something transactions would be for champagne. The smaller increments would be beers and dances. It used to be about £20 for a 5 min dance - no idea if prices have changed much as it’s not something I do anymore. Obviously we’d try and prolong those 5 mins/one song for as much cash as we could.

Um...you haven't hit a nerve.

I don't really have the patience (nor the Crayola) to make it any simpler if you can't understand.

Here you are still banging on about what "everyone knows goes on."

I mean you categorically don't. But (spoiler) people who do the job, do. Which you seem incapable of understanding. No amount of you insisting your theories are true makes them remotely so. Even if Randy McTootface with his Google review suits your narrative.

Again, maybe reflect why you have created this view with no knowledge and have to maintain it when you are presented with the actual, extensive knowledge by me (and other dancers) who are quite open about the job.

It's definitely NOT always just dancing. They're not wearing bikinis, generally totally naked and are often prostitutes, of course. Many make tips giving wanks and blow jobs in private rooms.

I don't know why some women try so hard to minimise strippers - strip bars exist solely to give sleazy men a hard on so they'll part with cash. Of COURSE that often leads to sex and sexual activity.

He cheated on you regardless of how far he went. You can't trust him. Process and accept that, then deal with reality as you choose.

Oh good, I was concerned I'd upset you as your comments are getting a bit odd and all over the place.

Anyway I said I wasn't going to derail further and I won't. But honestly anyone, alleged stripper or not, is extremely naive if they believe that extras don't go on. I don't say that to insult anyone who works in the industry, frankly if someone is happy to make hundred quid off a 10 second hand job then go for it. But it's just simply not true to say it doesn't go on.

I won't reply to you again (I don't need to convince anyone that it goes on, most are aware i think?) but I am kind of looking forward to your next rambling reply so knock yourself out hun, feel free to try to be as insulting and patronising as you want 👍😃