Confusion after a Date with recently divorced man

[Mugofgin]

I am so confused …had what I thought was a great first date with a guy I vaguely knew through mutual friends. We both have kids under 6 and both separated about 1 year. We matched on tinder and it took him about 3 weeks to message but when he did it was consistent and good. Then we meet up for dinner, talked about our situations, mutual friends and had a very passionate make out session. Then my anxiety grew when I didn’t hear from him so after 2 days I messaged to thank him and say I had fun with him. Took him 36hours to reply as he “hadn’t had his phone on him much”: he wasn’t that chatty . Because we both are going through messy separations with young kids I asked him if he was actually ok. He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy …message was like at midnight. In the morning I replied to say he was a good guy and an amazing dad and acknowledged all the stress he was under. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything. Now I can’t decide if he just played me or if he is just messed up at the moment with separating or he really is just not interested… thoughts? He has a hardcore job, has had to leave his home and children and his ex is trying to ruin his reputation. My story is my ex who he knows had an affair when our second child was born

I'd walk away from this one.

I’d say he’s not ready to date yet so walk away

Have to agree, walk away, he doesn’t sound like he’s in a place to be dating.

To me it doesn’t sound like either of you are in a place to be dating.

This man is not in the right place right now to pursue you or any new relationship. He has too much doing around and getting his around to so just leave it. Don't waste your time/energy.

Why would you want all of this drama and his baggage bogging down your life? He is clearly not emotionally available. Run like hell.

Bin him off. Slow to message initially, variable contact and the woe is me ‘No-one will ever understand the pressure I’m under but I don’t want sympathy’ is a red flag 🚩

Definitely leave it. Do not get too excited by any first dates. And always wait t9 hear from them, it is a good gauge of their interest.

If i am brutally honest, you became too invested too quickly. I get it, I divorced and dated so think I can read the signs.

When you are newly single you just want the comfort and security of a relationship. Just take your time, do not rush anything, with anyone. Especially as you have kids.

I met me next husband, 2.5 years after mu separation. I did date in the meantime, got some bruises but also had a real laugh, after a while.

Good luck
And Do Not Message this guy again. No double.texting ever. You need to think about what level of interest you require and only respond to that

This one's not going to work out OP.

I feel for him if what he's saying is true - it must be incredibly difficult. The problem is that if he can't or won't talk to you then there's absolutely nothing you can do.

I've just been listening to a R4 programme called "About the Boys" where the presenter is talking to boys about how hard it is for them to talk about their feelings. I think that's affected the way I'm looking at this.

Sounds like he’s not ready. Lots of baggage.
It shouldn’t be confusing. If he’s right for you it should feel bloody amazing !
Walk away. It’s not your job to fix him.

OR

He's seeing other women on dating apps and he played you.

Either way, it’s not good OP.
Move on. Don’t waste your life wondering about someone who won’t give you the time of day.

"his ex is trying to ruin his reputation"

Mmmmmmhmmmmm..... the old "psycho ex" eh?

Run.

Sounds like he's not interested, typical I'm too busy, stressed excuse. A lot won't be upfront and say your not for me but the actions tell you everything you need to know.
I'd avoid anyone who's life seems a mess anyway, you want to start a fresh with someone keen to chat and see you.

Yup I thought this

If this person was interested in you they would be in contact with you. I will never buy the bullshit of “I haven’t been on my phone much” every single person has their phone on them 24.7. We use it to pay for things, maps and pretty much everything else! It takes 10 seconds to send a message and if he really wanted to he would.

move on and don’t get sucked in.

Don't chase this one.

You will look needy and really unattractive.

You've done your bit messaging now and leave it.

Go on another date with someone else. Don't fixate on this man.

To be really blunt. He's is not interested. Maybe the date made him realise he's not ready for a new relationship. Maybe it's too soon for him. Maybe he liked you but didn't feel a spark. Who knows. Just leave it would be my advice. And don't take it personally. People's lives are complicated

Why would you tell someone they are a good guy and amazing dad when you've met them once?!
You have NO IDEA what kind of dad he is. All you know are the things he, a person you've met one time, has told you.

Op you are putting yourself at extreme risk of letting an abuser into your life with that shit. You've 'victim potential' written all over you. It's also a pretty clingy thing to say to someone you barely know.

Now I'm not saying he an abuser but, that 'nobody knows how hard my life is' crap is textbook covert narcissist 'woe is me'. And the 'ex is trying to ruin my reputation'. Ugh. Fucking red flags are waving in the wind.

Also, either he's dating other people and juggling (which tbf is fine) or is lying to you about being separated. Or potentially, doing what narcissists do a lot which is blow hot and cold (which, guess what, is another red flag) ...vanishing then come back with a shit excuse to test to see if you're a mug who will just forgive it.

Too many red flags.

He’s not ready to date do it’s best to move onto another man.

Just bin this one off @Mugofgin

Dating should be fun, not analysis and effort. If he wanted to see you/speak to you then he would.

To do the apps you need zero expectations and boundaries written in stone

Exactly my thought too.

Doesn't sound good. Leave well alone

I accept why he wouldn't be ready to date but

1. he should have messaged to say thanks for a lovely time but I don't think I'm in a good place to date, not left you hanging

2. mad ex ruining his rep? Even if true, you shouldn't know about this from him

3. you've invested too soon. Don't be reassuring some bloke after one date like that. How do you actually know he's an amazing father etc? Because he's said? Could be anyone.

Nothing to be confused about ... he isn't interested.

Thanks I am interested to listen to this. He definitely would fall in this category as grew up with 3 boys, “boys don’t cry” mentality and saying “no one understands”. He knew my story and we knew each other before messaging and dating so I do wonder if he was just reaching out to talk about it. I’m just surprised he left me hanging as such. I have told him he can always confide in me in confidence if he ever needs to but I won’t reach out to him again unless he initiates it.