Confusion after a Date with recently divorced man

[Mugofgin]

I am so confused …had what I thought was a great first date with a guy I vaguely knew through mutual friends. We both have kids under 6 and both separated about 1 year. We matched on tinder and it took him about 3 weeks to message but when he did it was consistent and good. Then we meet up for dinner, talked about our situations, mutual friends and had a very passionate make out session. Then my anxiety grew when I didn’t hear from him so after 2 days I messaged to thank him and say I had fun with him. Took him 36hours to reply as he “hadn’t had his phone on him much”: he wasn’t that chatty . Because we both are going through messy separations with young kids I asked him if he was actually ok. He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy …message was like at midnight. In the morning I replied to say he was a good guy and an amazing dad and acknowledged all the stress he was under. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything. Now I can’t decide if he just played me or if he is just messed up at the moment with separating or he really is just not interested… thoughts? He has a hardcore job, has had to leave his home and children and his ex is trying to ruin his reputation. My story is my ex who he knows had an affair when our second child was born

Well, “people” are often deeply unpleasant during a divorce would be a more accurate statement.

The issue is not the sex of the person being difficult. It’s the idea that someone has the power to ruin the reputation of someone else who hasn’t done anything wrong.

My ex talked some utter shit about me during our separation. Did I care? No. Because anyone who knew me well knew that the things he was saying were completely at odds with the person they knew me as, and they could see that he couldn’t back up what he was saying with a shred of real evidence.

Anyone who might have believed what he was saying would have to be very unfamiliar with me. And if they barely know me, why would I care what they think of me? So I didn’t go around complaining that my ex was trying to ruin my reputation. He had no power to do that.

In my view, someone who complains that their ex is trying to ruin their reputation is really saying “My ex keeps saying things about me that are unflattering and also true, and I don’t like it because it’s making people who once thought well of me think less well of me.”

In my view, someone who complains that their ex is trying to ruin their reputation is really saying “My ex keeps saying things about me that are unflattering and also true, and I don’t like it because it’s making people who once thought well of me think less well of me.”

Very well said.

I met quite a few blokes when OLD who were not ready for relationships. I think it's a bit of a reaction to a split .. get out there and date but the reality is they (or you) are not ready and they struggle to know how to handle it. Especially if it was a long marriage and/or traumatic breakup. I've had dates that were like therapy.. one bloke just told me about the trauma of his wife's affair etc.
Just chalk it up to experience and move on!

@Laidbackguy the majority of the time when a guy tells you his ex is a psycho he's just trying to discredit her so people don't believe she's telling the truth. When she is.

Also if he is telling the truth and she is in fact a psycho then why would I want to get involved with a man who has all that drama and baggage which will most likely spill into our relationship. After all a psycho ex is not going to be happy with the new girlfriend.

Either way you look at it, its a negative.

A nice bit of victim blaming there.

Let me guess.... your ex is a psycho 🤣🤣🤣

No, I wouldn't say that, I'd say she's very selfish and not a great mum.

I've been told by a number of mutual friends I was more like a parent than a husband to her.

But that was the point @InBedBy10 made. You are telling the truth and your ex is nightmare. Not great for any potential new partner is it.

Better going out with man who has had an amicable split or one so long along his "psycho"ex isn't going to be relevant.

How on earth is not wanting to date someone who has a very problematic ex victim-blaming?

Exactly.

My ex is very selfish and not a great dad (though not to the point where I have any legal cause to do anything about it) and I have had to learn to put strong mental, social and physical boundaries in place so that he doesn't get to cause dramas in my life just because he's had a bad week and wants to take it out on someone / is feeling incompetent and wants to blame someone / is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't want to deal with his responsibilities etc.

I am not going to allow my difficult ex to disrupt my peaceful life. I cannot make him be a better dad (as much as I wish he would be) or be less selfish (as much as I wish he would be) so I make my home a happy, safe and comfortable place for my children and hope that as they get older they will choose to live full-time in the home that feels more happy, safe and comfortable.

If someone is moaning about how much trouble their ex causes them on or before a first date, it's a real red flag that they're not ready to date as they haven't learned to apply boundaries effectively.