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Original poster

Confusion after a Date with recently divorced man

110 replies

Mugofgin · 02/05/2024 09:14

I am so confused …had what I thought was a great first date with a guy I vaguely knew through mutual friends. We both have kids under 6 and both separated about 1 year. We matched on tinder and it took him about 3 weeks to message but when he did it was consistent and good. Then we meet up for dinner, talked about our situations, mutual friends and had a very passionate make out session. Then my anxiety grew when I didn’t hear from him so after 2 days I messaged to thank him and say I had fun with him. Took him 36hours to reply as he “hadn’t had his phone on him much”: he wasn’t that chatty . Because we both are going through messy separations with young kids I asked him if he was actually ok. He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy …message was like at midnight. In the morning I replied to say he was a good guy and an amazing dad and acknowledged all the stress he was under. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything. Now I can’t decide if he just played me or if he is just messed up at the moment with separating or he really is just not interested… thoughts? He has a hardcore job, has had to leave his home and children and his ex is trying to ruin his reputation. My story is my ex who he knows had an affair when our second child was born

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 21:35

Lambriniwages · 03/05/2024 19:25

Just to add knowing someone and dating them really is different as you only know them from a surface level
It's a bit like finding the guy in the office funny only to find out he's actually moody and quiet.

I've dated the funny guy only to discover he was quite a angry person behind the scenes . Run don't walk lol

Totally get that my ex was mr social butterfly liked to drink and socialise, never said a word at home and was grumpy. He needed the alcohol

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 21:37

Concerningquestion28 · 03/05/2024 07:07

no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy

his ex is trying to ruin his reputation

🚩🚩 my first reaction is that he's hitting the emotional manipulation hard to make you feel sorry for him so he can start milking you quickly. Sounds like he'd in need of housing and childcare and needs to get someone hooked before his wife tells everyone what he's really like.

But hey, call me a cynic.

He definitely is not in need of housing or child care from me, we live along way apart like 4 hour drive and I have my own kids 12/14 nights.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/05/2024 21:46

Oh that's another point for it being a complete waste of your time and energy - you live 4 hours apart.

What are you doing?

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 22:32

Why are you confused ? The man's a complete bellend. Block and move on

Original poster
Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 22:47

newyorkhotel · 03/05/2024 08:02

Yep- all this. Not only that but you are now feeling obliged to offer him comfort and sympathy. You arent his therapist- you arent responsible for fixing him even if he is going through a shit time. You deserve a fucking text. He couldn't even give you that and it takes 30 seconds to do this- really think about that, he couldn't be arsed to send you one single text message to say thank you. What you accept in dating life, you accept in a relationship.

It doesnt matter that he's going through a messy separation- he shouldn't be looking for someone else to date in the first place if he isnt ready and hasn't even got the head space to say thank you or communicate at the bare minimum.

You deserve better. Bin him off and dont get invested so quickly in people. I also agree that you dont really know he's a great dad- just because you know him through other people doesnt mean you know how he interacts with his kids or what goes on behind closed doors, you dont know him at all really.

Edited
Show quote history

yes I fall too quick! And totally agree he could of atleast said thanks and left it at that especially since at some stage our paths will cross again in the friend circle. He just left me hanging which is annoying and not good for my anxiety as I feel like at some stage he will reply… maybe in like 6 months

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 22:55

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 03/05/2024 17:04

My XH used it all the time. He was emotionally abusive. I used to think how amazing it was he’d come through everything he shared. But gradually you realise he was always the victim. He was always the wronged party. Poor him. Then it turned on me. I couldn’t raise anything that was bothering him without victim mentality. He would complain about how much he did, how did so much for other people and no-one was ever grateful. ‘I can’t do anything right’ was his favourite line.

It’s not that people haven’t been through stuff. It’s how they approach it. When I met DP, I gave him vague information about my marriage ending ‘We’d both been unhappy for a long time’ etc. Over a period of months, he’s come to learn more but never the full extent of what I experienced. Someone who bemoans their hardship so early on? Red flag!

Show quote history

My ex was like that too, never took any responsibility for his actions, everything was everyone else fault and nothing was ever good enough. He run me into the ground. I don’t want to go back there. If no one can understand the pressure he is under he must also have communication problems. Also to say this at midnight I make the assumption he has been drinking or not sleeping and couldn’t normally express this so is not in touch with his feelings. Thanks for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 23:09

Pinkbonbon · 03/05/2024 18:01

One really good way to spot abusers op is they say things that most people just wouldn't say.

Things that make them seem 'totally up themselves'. Things that aren't humble.

No one decent says 'nobody could possibly know what I'm going through' referring to divorce. LET ALONE - TOO someone who is ALSO going through a divorce). It's so fucking arrogant and self absorbed.

Normal people are humble.
They might say they are struggling. But they'd never dream of making it seem like they're the only people who have ever struggled.

And so you know how they spot good victims?
Because they can see you working mental gymnastics to explain to yourself WHY a spade (arrogant prick) isn't a spade (arrogant prick).
'Oh maybe he just processes things differently'
Bull-shit!

He's a self-involved knobhead.
When people you who they are, believe them!

Yes thanks for pointing that out. The wording “no one will ever understand” is strange. He could of just said I am under a lot of pressure right now. My ex and I and kids are a lot more amicable and he never wanted the kids more than every second weekend and he never controlled what I did next he has given me free rein of the kids. So our situations are abit different one year out. He knew through the grape vine before we talked that my ex had an affair when the youngest was a baby so definitely I have abandonment issues

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 04/05/2024 10:51

Op.. you need to watch the movie 'he's just not that in to you.

You're doing the classic thing of looking for deeper meaning into why he's not engaging but in a nutshell it always really boils down to not liking you enough
If men fancy you they make an effort . The end .

LMMuffet · 04/05/2024 10:59

“His ex is trying to ruin his reputation”?

Or maybe he’s an arsehole and she’s now telling it like it is?

I would not go on a second date if someone said that to me about their ex wife. Even if justified, it’s a wholly inappropriate thing to say to a near stranger on a first date. And frankly, I’d suspect it was bollocks.

Aisoff · 04/05/2024 11:08

He's not ready OP. The first indicator was taking 3 weeks to message after matching (though no reason why you shouldn't message first to be fair)

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 11:51

Aisoff · 04/05/2024 11:08

He's not ready OP. The first indicator was taking 3 weeks to message after matching (though no reason why you shouldn't message first to be fair)

Not necessarily. If I join online dating, I chat to a few people, set up a date or two and see if they pan out. If they don't, THEN I reply to/message a few more and repeat. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in anyone else that messaged me. It just means I don't want to be messaging a bunch of ppl at once.

Tbf I've heard men get less matches but, he could even have downloaded the app during a quiet period of his life but not been on it lately or felt like replying to anyone due to being busy.

The guy has loads of red flags but taking time for the initial contact isn't one imo.

Laidbackguy · 04/05/2024 18:15

LMMuffet · 04/05/2024 10:59

“His ex is trying to ruin his reputation”?

Or maybe he’s an arsehole and she’s now telling it like it is?

I would not go on a second date if someone said that to me about their ex wife. Even if justified, it’s a wholly inappropriate thing to say to a near stranger on a first date. And frankly, I’d suspect it was bollocks.

Why are you doubting this?

Women are often deeply unpleasant / difficult with exes during divorce.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 04/05/2024 19:13

He told you he is not looking for sympathy… and you were right back with a touchy-feely ‘supportive’ aka sympathetic message.

For whatever reason he is not picking up the connection. Back off, play it cool.

Milkydumplings · 04/05/2024 19:17

He’s just not that into you.

NEXT!

Greywitch2 · 04/05/2024 19:27

He definitely is not in need of housing or child care from me, we live along way apart like 4 hour drive and I have my own kids 12/14 nights.

Then it's a complete non starter. Don't invest another thought in this one. Far too complicated, even if he was the easiest going man in the world. Which he isn't.

SamW98 · 04/05/2024 19:29

There’s nothing to be confused about - it’s an absolute non starter

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 19:29

Mugofgin · 02/05/2024 14:43

Thanks. Just interested by why exactly you think that is a red flag? Thanks

Show quote history

He's prepping you to expect zero effort and messages and then he can say I told you the stress I was under...

newyorkhotel · 04/05/2024 19:30

He just left me hanging which is annoying and not good for my anxiety as I feel like at some stage he will reply… maybe in like 6 months

Yeah, possibly he will but no need to be anxious OP. You can decide that this is a non starter and you dont have to respond even if he does text you in 6 months time. Take the focus off what he thinks of you and start pondering what you think of him- which isnt very much right now. That is what is important, who gives a fck what he thinks?- he's already proven he's flaky and unreliable and generally a bit shit. HE should feel anxious about that, not you!!

Original poster
Mugofgin · 04/05/2024 20:12

Pinkbonbon · 04/05/2024 11:51

Not necessarily. If I join online dating, I chat to a few people, set up a date or two and see if they pan out. If they don't, THEN I reply to/message a few more and repeat. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in anyone else that messaged me. It just means I don't want to be messaging a bunch of ppl at once.

Tbf I've heard men get less matches but, he could even have downloaded the app during a quiet period of his life but not been on it lately or felt like replying to anyone due to being busy.

The guy has loads of red flags but taking time for the initial contact isn't one imo.

Edited
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He did acknowledge the delay between matching and messaging and said that he had asked a mutual friend about it.
i am new to tinder, we were messaging on there then through a cellphone number. We are still matched on tinder. What happens around that normally

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 04/05/2024 20:15

newyorkhotel · 04/05/2024 19:30

He just left me hanging which is annoying and not good for my anxiety as I feel like at some stage he will reply… maybe in like 6 months

Yeah, possibly he will but no need to be anxious OP. You can decide that this is a non starter and you dont have to respond even if he does text you in 6 months time. Take the focus off what he thinks of you and start pondering what you think of him- which isnt very much right now. That is what is important, who gives a fck what he thinks?- he's already proven he's flaky and unreliable and generally a bit shit. HE should feel anxious about that, not you!!

Thanks for your message. We are still matched on tinder and has been messaging via cellphone. What normally happens now… I’m new to the game

OP posts:
category12 · 04/05/2024 20:28

Just unmatch him.

ginasevern · 04/05/2024 20:37

Is he even separating from his wife? Do you know for sure?

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 04/05/2024 21:00

Sometimes people leave matches there and sometimes if it’s not working out they ‘unmatch’. If they unmatch you it just disappears for the other person. Other reason someone vanishes is if they delete their account or they get deleted (maybe for bad behaviour or fake accounts).

Original poster
Mugofgin · 04/05/2024 21:58

ginasevern · 04/05/2024 20:37

Is he even separating from his wife? Do you know for sure?

He has definitely separated I know as a fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 04/05/2024 22:04

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 04/05/2024 21:00

Sometimes people leave matches there and sometimes if it’s not working out they ‘unmatch’. If they unmatch you it just disappears for the other person. Other reason someone vanishes is if they delete their account or they get deleted (maybe for bad behaviour or fake accounts).

Thanks. I know it sounds silly but I will just leave him there for the time being. I won’t be messaging or chasing him though as it’s not good for me but I have learnt a few lessons out of all this and have lots to work on with myself. My life has been a living hell with young kids and coming out of a toxic relationship so I need to build and protect some peace and stability for the kids and I. I need to do this myself… the knight in shining armour is Me.

OP posts: