Confusion after a Date with recently divorced man

[Mugofgin]

I am so confused …had what I thought was a great first date with a guy I vaguely knew through mutual friends. We both have kids under 6 and both separated about 1 year. We matched on tinder and it took him about 3 weeks to message but when he did it was consistent and good. Then we meet up for dinner, talked about our situations, mutual friends and had a very passionate make out session. Then my anxiety grew when I didn’t hear from him so after 2 days I messaged to thank him and say I had fun with him. Took him 36hours to reply as he “hadn’t had his phone on him much”: he wasn’t that chatty . Because we both are going through messy separations with young kids I asked him if he was actually ok. He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy …message was like at midnight. In the morning I replied to say he was a good guy and an amazing dad and acknowledged all the stress he was under. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything. Now I can’t decide if he just played me or if he is just messed up at the moment with separating or he really is just not interested… thoughts? He has a hardcore job, has had to leave his home and children and his ex is trying to ruin his reputation. My story is my ex who he knows had an affair when our second child was born

Agree invested too soon.
we have known each other through mutual friends for about 9 years but never had much to do with each other really.

Thank you, yes I need zero expectations as I fall too fast and then get anxiety and feel rejected

Why did you chase him? If men don’t message that is also a message. He’s not interested. Also how on earth do you know he’s an ‘amazing’ dad?

Thanks. Just interested by why exactly you think that is a red flag? Thanks

We didn’t know each other well but have known each other over the last 9 years through mutual friends and his work crossed paths a tiny wee bit with my ex and I so he is not a complete stranger. Thanks for the warning but in this case he was not prying on me I don’t think but maybe because we were in the same boat with seperating that draw him to me. Definitely the hot and cold makes me anxious and I need to accept no response is a response

Sounds too much like hard work to me. I have the ick a bit from his anguish and the drama. The bad ex trope being wheeled out at this early stage is a bit much. I’m sure he’s not that busy he cant fire off a quick text

When people are keen and interested, they make time for people. Even if the only time they have is the time to send a text message. They don’t leave you wondering.

I would chalk this one up to an experience, and let it go. We can tie ourselves up in knots trying to understand or make excuses.

You deserve better than knots.

I don’t think he’s interested.

Never chase a man. You’re worth more than that.

No one will ever understand the pressure he is under.

What's he doing - negotiating world peace?

Agree with the easy to text and he had good communication. He was very fixated on talking about his seperation and asking me questions about mine. he did overshare some details I feel he shouldn’t of. I just feel he shouldn’t of just left me hanging after all that and the fact that we have mutual friends, will see each other at some point … I just feel that it’s unfinished even if he just wants to be friends with someone going through something similar

OK so that's another flag of love bombing/abusive behaviour.

They overshare in the beginning. This does 2 things. 1. It fosters the feeling that you are trusted and valued enough for them to share these things with you, making you trust them back. This speeds up your attachment forming to them. 2. It gets you to overshare. Which again, bonds you to them faster and, may give them info they can use to abuse you with later (because you're essentially sharing your vulnerabilities).

These are yet more big red flags op.
Your own gut even told you this!
Why are you not listening to it's warnings?

Do not attempt to pursue anything with this person. He is bad news and you've had a lucky escape if he genuinely isn't interested in chasing you further.

Seriously, avoid him.

Seriously op that's like 6 red flags now. Just that you've mentioned here.

The reason they are called red flags and not pink flags or yellow flags is one should be enough to tell you this person is bad news.

He's not interested or not able or both. Men (on the whole) aren't complicated when it comes to showing interest in my experience. They're in touch, consistent etc.

For the record I know many women are also uncomplicated in showing interest but I do think we tend to be more...circumspect than men

Tbh I found quite a few men whilst dating were willing to use women's time and emotional energy for free therapeutic purposes. I know you weren't OLD strangers but I wouldn't be dragged into that again, forms a false sense of intimacy if you like the person.

I used to quite enjoy it if I didn't fancy them because I'm a nosy sod and like hearing people's stories, but got sucked in once when I did like the guy and was really hurt when he wasn't interested after offloading for hours about his troubles.

That made me laugh so much 😂

@Mugofgin You sound way too invested in someone who has shown low effort and lack of interest from the start. You matched and he took 3 weeks to even message you. You then met up once, and he didn’t contact you again, until YOU contacted HIM. It then took him another 3 days to reply. Based on that alone, he’s clearly not interested. Do you suffer from low self esteem? It sounds like you also want to be his “saviour” - asking things like if he’s ok and and telling him he can confide in you when you barely know him. It’s not your job to “fix” him. You have ignored all the red flags here so I wouldn’t be over analysing his actions, I would be concentrating on your own.

Huge cringe. Bet he isn't negotiating world peace, finding a cure for cancer etc. Probably doing a fairly standard job, might need to do more parenting / life stuff due to the split but there you go. Divorce isn't great but just one of those things -for clarity l am divorced so feel l can say that and my ex husband was not a reasonable man

definitely not good for me as it did cause me anxiety and I need to protect and build some peace in my life

Totally agree, I don't like him at all!! 'Nobody understands my life' 😭 piss off crybaby

People handle different situations and divorce differently. He may not be negotiating world peace but to him those kids were his world. I know it’s not up to me to save him or to get in touch again but I do honestly believe he is under that pressure. My ex was the same couldn’t deal with his feelings, “real men don’t cry” mentality. I do feel for them but I also know it won’t work between us as I need security and some one to be emotionally available. I need to heal myself not others

Too much bagage, wrong timing, maybe you are not his type..

Sounds like he just isn't ready for a relationship

I would say his not interested, however sounds like your setting yourself up to be his free therapist and that won’t toll well with your emotions as it sounds like you like him way more than he likes you. If your not careful you could get used as a rebound.

He is not interested lovely, he took three weeks to message you because he was trying out someone else first.

What I’ve noticed is that if someone is genuinely interested in you - especially at the beginning they will message back promptly and do their best to show their ‘best self’

Next!