Page 3 | Confusion after a Date with recently divorced man

Bewareofthisonetoo · 03/05/2024 06:55

Pinkbonbon · Yesterday 10:39
Why would you tell someone they are a good guy and amazing dad when you've met them once?!
You have NO IDEA what kind of dad he is. All you know are the things he, a person you've met one time, has told you.
He may well be those thing but telling him so not make him warm to you -he needs to feel that himself and at the moment he probably doesn’t. I think it quite likely he is under enormous pressure but that is all the more reason not to chase him. If he is genuine then he is not in the right place now to form a relationship. Leave him be.
I know an amazing guy, top of his field, split from his wife (she left him) and was chased by women who thought they could cure him. He wasn’t ready. When he was ready he met a person at work whom he pursued and they are in a good relationship. Those earlier women probably wondered why he didn’t fall for on them as they were gorgeous/kind/sympathetic/supportive etc but the fact was that he simply wasn’t in the right place emotionally then.

Freakinfraser · 03/05/2024 07:00

I mean this politely but please take the hint, it’s been one date, all this you can confide in me stuff for someone you barely know and had one date with. Please just let it go.

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 07:00

His not that bothered. Stop messaging before you look really needy If someone doesn't message they aren't into you whatever the excuse is.

EmotionalSupportAutie · 03/05/2024 07:05

Pinkbonbon · 02/05/2024 10:39

Why would you tell someone they are a good guy and amazing dad when you've met them once?!
You have NO IDEA what kind of dad he is. All you know are the things he, a person you've met one time, has told you.

Op you are putting yourself at extreme risk of letting an abuser into your life with that shit. You've 'victim potential' written all over you. It's also a pretty clingy thing to say to someone you barely know.

Now I'm not saying he an abuser but, that 'nobody knows how hard my life is' crap is textbook covert narcissist 'woe is me'. And the 'ex is trying to ruin my reputation'. Ugh. Fucking red flags are waving in the wind.

Also, either he's dating other people and juggling (which tbf is fine) or is lying to you about being separated. Or potentially, doing what narcissists do a lot which is blow hot and cold (which, guess what, is another red flag) ...vanishing then come back with a shit excuse to test to see if you're a mug who will just forgive it.

Too many red flags.

Edited

This with bells on. Great advice!

Concerningquestion28 · 03/05/2024 07:07

no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy

his ex is trying to ruin his reputation

🚩🚩 my first reaction is that he's hitting the emotional manipulation hard to make you feel sorry for him so he can start milking you quickly. Sounds like he'd in need of housing and childcare and needs to get someone hooked before his wife tells everyone what he's really like.

But hey, call me a cynic.

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 07:12

This is a red flag although you seem determined to kid yourself that it isn't. What his done is already set the bar very low because his actually saying to you don't expect anything from me because you will never understand the pressure I'm under. What that does is very early on make you accept really poor behaviour and no effort on his part and makes you feel you have to do all the work because he needs therapy and fixing. You have already fallen for this and it's exactly how women get into really shit relationships with men just giving the odd scrap here and there it's quite sad really. Don't fall for it. Don't be excited if he sends you a text in a few days he will do the bare minimum to keep you dangling there fooling yourself he will put more effort in when he never will.

RedHelenB · 03/05/2024 07:34

I'd find it ott someone I've only just got with telling me what a great mum I was how eoukd they really know? Think you're coming across as a bit desperate maybe?

Marchintospring · 03/05/2024 07:55

It's all been said by others but yes he's not interested so get him out your head.

"Boys don't cry" is fine but it's not all socialisation. Men on the whole just do have different emotional communication. If they wanted to change it they would.

Don't be despondent Op. Dating is as much ruling people out as it is finding the one.

newyorkhotel · 03/05/2024 08:02

ontheflighttosingapore · 03/05/2024 07:12

This is a red flag although you seem determined to kid yourself that it isn't. What his done is already set the bar very low because his actually saying to you don't expect anything from me because you will never understand the pressure I'm under. What that does is very early on make you accept really poor behaviour and no effort on his part and makes you feel you have to do all the work because he needs therapy and fixing. You have already fallen for this and it's exactly how women get into really shit relationships with men just giving the odd scrap here and there it's quite sad really. Don't fall for it. Don't be excited if he sends you a text in a few days he will do the bare minimum to keep you dangling there fooling yourself he will put more effort in when he never will.

Yep- all this. Not only that but you are now feeling obliged to offer him comfort and sympathy. You arent his therapist- you arent responsible for fixing him even if he is going through a shit time. You deserve a fucking text. He couldn't even give you that and it takes 30 seconds to do this- really think about that, he couldn't be arsed to send you one single text message to say thank you. What you accept in dating life, you accept in a relationship.

It doesnt matter that he's going through a messy separation- he shouldn't be looking for someone else to date in the first place if he isnt ready and hasn't even got the head space to say thank you or communicate at the bare minimum.

You deserve better. Bin him off and dont get invested so quickly in people. I also agree that you dont really know he's a great dad- just because you know him through other people doesnt mean you know how he interacts with his kids or what goes on behind closed doors, you dont know him at all really.

JussathoB · 03/05/2024 08:09

Could it just be that he has a lot on at the moment and is not really in a good place to begin a new relationship with you. And/Or he is not sure whether he wants to.
I don’t think that’s so unreasonable, although it’s disappointing for you and he could have communicated in a more caring way.
I would not expect anything to come of this in the next year or two, find someone with less baggage if you are looking for a relationship.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 03/05/2024 17:04

Mugofgin · 02/05/2024 14:43

Thanks. Just interested by why exactly you think that is a red flag? Thanks

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My XH used it all the time. He was emotionally abusive. I used to think how amazing it was he’d come through everything he shared. But gradually you realise he was always the victim. He was always the wronged party. Poor him. Then it turned on me. I couldn’t raise anything that was bothering him without victim mentality. He would complain about how much he did, how did so much for other people and no-one was ever grateful. ‘I can’t do anything right’ was his favourite line.

It’s not that people haven’t been through stuff. It’s how they approach it. When I met DP, I gave him vague information about my marriage ending ‘We’d both been unhappy for a long time’ etc. Over a period of months, he’s come to learn more but never the full extent of what I experienced. Someone who bemoans their hardship so early on? Red flag!

Ladyj84 · 03/05/2024 17:11

Erm from the start I would say he wasn't interested enough for me to go after him

Pinkbonbon · 03/05/2024 18:01

One really good way to spot abusers op is they say things that most people just wouldn't say.

Things that make them seem 'totally up themselves'. Things that aren't humble.

No one decent says 'nobody could possibly know what I'm going through' referring to divorce. LET ALONE - TOO someone who is ALSO going through a divorce). It's so fucking arrogant and self absorbed.

Normal people are humble.
They might say they are struggling. But they'd never dream of making it seem like they're the only people who have ever struggled.

And so you know how they spot good victims?
Because they can see you working mental gymnastics to explain to yourself WHY a spade (arrogant prick) isn't a spade (arrogant prick).
'Oh maybe he just processes things differently'
Bull-shit!

He's a self-involved knobhead.
When people you who they are, believe them!

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2024 18:03

He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy

He's a twat.

Frith2013 · 03/05/2024 18:12

Mugofgin · 03/05/2024 02:43

People handle different situations and divorce differently. He may not be negotiating world peace but to him those kids were his world. I know it’s not up to me to save him or to get in touch again but I do honestly believe he is under that pressure. My ex was the same couldn’t deal with his feelings, “real men don’t cry” mentality. I do feel for them but I also know it won’t work between us as I need security and some one to be emotionally available. I need to heal myself not others

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Is he Peter Andre?

daisychain01 · 03/05/2024 18:43

MILTOBE · 02/05/2024 10:01

I've just been listening to a R4 programme called "About the Boys" where the presenter is talking to boys about how hard it is for them to talk about their feelings. I think that's affected the way I'm looking at this.

That's fair enough but the received wisdom on here which I very much agree with, is that a woman shouldn't become a man's therapist.

If they aren't ready for a relationship, fine, but don't start dating, give the other person hope and then become a whimpering lettuce leaf. We've all had our heart broken, but come on, nothing is that tragic.

He sounds like a wus. I'd have the same view if it was a woman starting to date someone and then going "I'm so hurty and delicate". Just grow a pair, date when you're over the hurty and don't get involved before then!

daisychain01 · 03/05/2024 18:44

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2024 18:03

He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy

He's a twat.

in a nutshell 👍

Tillievanilly · 03/05/2024 18:53

I have come across a few guys who say they are ready to date. But their behaviour says otherwise. My number one rule is never chase them! Find someone who makes an effort..,

JoanMacIntosh · 03/05/2024 19:00

You can’t fix people, you can only meet them where they’re at and it goes both ways. If he wanted anything serious you’d know, if he only wanted sex you’d know, if he only saw you as a friend you’d know. No blurred lines or confusion. There are many, many men out there. In the meantime you need to value your time and protect your peace post-divorce.

category12 · 03/05/2024 19:11

Gosh, you're so eager to be his therapist.

Laidbackguy · 03/05/2024 19:14

Mugofgin · 02/05/2024 09:14

I am so confused …had what I thought was a great first date with a guy I vaguely knew through mutual friends. We both have kids under 6 and both separated about 1 year. We matched on tinder and it took him about 3 weeks to message but when he did it was consistent and good. Then we meet up for dinner, talked about our situations, mutual friends and had a very passionate make out session. Then my anxiety grew when I didn’t hear from him so after 2 days I messaged to thank him and say I had fun with him. Took him 36hours to reply as he “hadn’t had his phone on him much”: he wasn’t that chatty . Because we both are going through messy separations with young kids I asked him if he was actually ok. He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy …message was like at midnight. In the morning I replied to say he was a good guy and an amazing dad and acknowledged all the stress he was under. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything. Now I can’t decide if he just played me or if he is just messed up at the moment with separating or he really is just not interested… thoughts? He has a hardcore job, has had to leave his home and children and his ex is trying to ruin his reputation. My story is my ex who he knows had an affair when our second child was born

Dating sites are bad for men and women, 90% of women are trying to date the same ultra desirable 10% of men meaning most are dating out of their league and 10% of men are playing games with 90% of women.

Lambriniwages · 03/05/2024 19:21

If a guy is really into you , he will contact you and certainly not in the way he has.

No matter what his situation is if a guy wants you , you will know about it.
His behaviour is after only one date , just put it to experience and date someone who is ready to and not a douchebag who clearly is playing the feel sorry for me card.

Lambriniwages · 03/05/2024 19:25

Just to add knowing someone and dating them really is different as you only know them from a surface level
It's a bit like finding the guy in the office funny only to find out he's actually moody and quiet.

I've dated the funny guy only to discover he was quite a angry person behind the scenes . Run don't walk lol

LBFseBrom · 03/05/2024 19:45

I think he would have phoned you had he been really interested. Don't contact him again, there will be someone else for you.

CheekyHobson · 03/05/2024 19:49

🚫 I didn’t hear from him (after a very passionate makeout session)

🚫 Took him 36hours to reply

🚫 he “hadn’t had his phone on him much"

🚫 he wasn’t that chatty

🚫 both are going through messy separations with young kids

🚫 He replied no one will ever understand the pressure he is under but he is not looking for sympathy

🚫 message was like at midnight.

🚫 That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything.

🚫 He has a hardcore job

🚫 his ex is trying to ruin his reputation