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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everything says she cheated, but did she?

150 replies

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 30/04/2024 11:12

The fact she is blaming you for making drama tells everything really.
I mean she has cheated before and you have someone literally telling you your wife is in a hotel with another man.
If this was all some big misunderstanding and she is innocent, why isn't she right now at the hotel proving her case. Clearing her name. Telling them there has been a huge mistake and they need to prove to you she wasn't that woman.
I'd be furious if accused of something like that and I wouldn't be blaming my DP for it, i'd be round there like a shot gathering everything I could to clear my name. At the very least I'd be showing the text exchanges between said friend about the booking, or contacting said friend to confirm to you.

But no, shes sat on the sofa, simply saying, they are lying and you're being dramatic.

OK then.

So sorry, but I'd be believing the hotel on this one. They literally have no reason to lie, and its not like they were not adamant about it!
She on the other hand has every reason to lie.

Lavender14 · 30/04/2024 11:15

I'm really shocked a hotel would give out so much info in breach of guest safety and gdpr. It sounds like you know what happened you just need to decide what is next.

Pookerrod · 30/04/2024 11:22

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 10:32

OK, so please be kind and appreciate where my head is at right now.
The police/solicitor idea, I get it. It's not going to happen, I have no case for anything, and the hotel as some people have said they did help me find my wife, she was in that room and wouldn't be coming out til I'd left.

After all, the people in that room, if they didn't know me from Adam, if I was nothing to do with the woman in there, open the door, leave. I'm not going to create a scene or something if it wasn't my wife.
She obviously knew I was calling and ignoring me, the curtains in the room were closed but she must have seen my car in the car park, it must have been her and wouldn't/couldn't come out while I was there.

She didn't want to give me the visual evidence of what she'd done, this allows the lies to continue, deny what she'd done etc. I get it...

Apologies my post was blunt and harsh. I do hope you get through this and see your wife for who she really is.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 11:23

TakeOnFlea · 30/04/2024 09:38

Pmsl that the majority of MNetters actually can't believe staff at a shitty motel might let the gossip get the better of them because of GDPR 😂

Have you seen the state of some of the staff across this countries minimum wage industries lately?

On the subject of gossip, my wife has told me that her friend (the same one she was supposed to have stayed with) was back there on Saturday night for a few drinks and the staff were talking about what had happened earlier that day when I was speaking with the manager.

OP posts:
Wordsofprey · 30/04/2024 11:25

She's cheated, 100%. Don't let her gaslight you or convince you otherwise. If you would want to repair the marriage, now is the point she should be confessing, giving full honesty, and laying her true cards on the table so you know exactly what's gone on. I'd be pressing her to check her phone, her texts, asking questions about what you've seen (CCTV) and shutting up so she can either spill the beans or accidently tangle herself in a web of lies. Let the silence or lack of speak to you. I don't know how long you've been together but if she wants to get away with this and you move on she needs to start talking, now, and stop lying. Don't settle for her telling you she's done nothing wrong because as a woman i would be absolutely certain she/he had cheated if it were me.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 11:26

YouHaveAnArse · 30/04/2024 10:53

Are there kids involved in this relationship, btw?

Yes, she has 2 children by her first husband.

OP posts:
TerrifiedOfNoise · 30/04/2024 11:39

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 11:02

There is no 'booking', she told me it was a prize won by her friend. The manager showed me the list of rooms that had been used on the night in question - the room she says she was in, was empty!

Well if it’s genuine she’d be able to get the booking confirmation from her friend. But honestly you know she’s lying, nobody wins a prize to stay in a crappy motel.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 11:40

Bookworm20 · 30/04/2024 11:12

The fact she is blaming you for making drama tells everything really.
I mean she has cheated before and you have someone literally telling you your wife is in a hotel with another man.
If this was all some big misunderstanding and she is innocent, why isn't she right now at the hotel proving her case. Clearing her name. Telling them there has been a huge mistake and they need to prove to you she wasn't that woman.
I'd be furious if accused of something like that and I wouldn't be blaming my DP for it, i'd be round there like a shot gathering everything I could to clear my name. At the very least I'd be showing the text exchanges between said friend about the booking, or contacting said friend to confirm to you.

But no, shes sat on the sofa, simply saying, they are lying and you're being dramatic.

OK then.

So sorry, but I'd be believing the hotel on this one. They literally have no reason to lie, and its not like they were not adamant about it!
She on the other hand has every reason to lie.

Exactly. I said to her, if this is all one massive mistaken identity or something, lets go down together and clear her name. She won't/can't. Instead she says she has rung the hotel, had a go at them etc

I asked her about texts or something with the friend, she cannot provide me anything, she says they were on snapchat and have deleted.
There are no photos of the night, that itself it a bit odd, she went out a few weeks earlier, sending me photos during the night. She stayed out this night too, but I have absolutely no reason to suspect she cheated that night.

The one thing she has shown me now is a screenshot of a snapchat from the friend saying 'what a great night, we need to do it again'. Did she honestly send that, or did she ask her to?
I mean, her friend maybe was there, maybe they were both with men they'd arranged to meet up with. The thing is, her friend is single...

OP posts:
Onetiredbeing · 30/04/2024 11:43

DrJonesIpresume · 29/04/2024 20:49

It was unbelievably unprofessional of the hotel staff to tell you all of that.

That's what you have to offer. Because it's a women doing the wrong.

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/04/2024 11:49

I wouldn't have thought a hotel would offer up all this information to be honest.

pimplebum · 30/04/2024 11:58

You won't be given cctv only the police will be given that IF they have a court papers and evidence of a serious crime

Don't waste your time
Focus on whats important

JovialNickname · 30/04/2024 12:02

In my experience hotels will actually do this and give out information, if to NOT do so will give them a massive headache/ something will kick off meaning other guests leave or complain. They didn't actually give any of her identity details, you had all those anyway. They won't want her, or you, or the other bloke back at any point anyway so it's in their interest to give you the clear info you need, whilst distancing themselves from the problem and getting rid of you. So I do believe the hotel did this just to wash their hands of the lot of you.

pimplebum · 30/04/2024 12:03

You can't sue the hotel it takes lots and lots of money to sue this is not America, our laws make it prohibitively expensive and risky to sue
If the hotel have broken gdpr they were breaking rules to be of assistance to you so don't be a knob and threaten them with being sued

Focus on what's important
Unlikely your wife is innocent and the extra ott lengths you have gone to to track her movements suggest your marriage and is over

BloodyAdultDC · 30/04/2024 12:08

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:19

No, I know this, but if they have broken GDPR regs, and if my wife was miraculously innocent, I would sue the cr@p out of them.

If they've given you duff information (ie your wife WASNT up to no good) then they've not broken GDPR.

If they told you that your wife is cheating and have CCTV to prove it then a) that is a breach of your wife's information and she can sue them, b) no way in hell are the police going to request CCTV so you can prove (or not) of your wife was cheating. It's not your information on the CCTV, it's hers. You will never get sight of that footage.

If you don't trust her, your marriage is over. You haven't needed proof of adultery for decades. Use unreconcilable differences or something else.

FairyMaclary · 30/04/2024 12:38

Op sorry but she is a proven liar. She is lying. If you had seen her in bed with him she would deny it. ‘ Oh it’s not what you think, he spilt water on his pillow and we had to share a room’. ‘He was the cleaner bringing back my dry cleaning’s . Cheaters are liars - they are okay with lying daily to the one they purport to love.

2020 - happened and you were in false reconciliation. You know when you are driving through town and you see a police camera van? You slow down all day as you are reminded that speeding incurs a fine and the police are watching? Then a week or so later you have forgotten so you drive faster again.

Well that’s your wife. In 2020 she got caught by the speed camera. She slowed down for a bit. Now she’s got her foot down again.

You cannot control her. You cannot make her faithful you cannot make her cheat. But you can do the best for you. Seek counselling. And get yourself into a good place. Seek legal advice and know where you stand. She will deny but you know she is a proven liar. That is who she is. Look at her closely and you may see more undesirable characteristics.

The trauma means you want evidence. You really don’t need it - I don’t trust you is a valid reason to divorce. But It’s easy to prove the room to you. The competition company has to keep a record of the prize. Under gdpr the friend can ask for evidence of the prize and all communication to her from the hotel and from the competition company. The friend can ask for hotel booking evidence under gdpr from the hotel. She can copy you into all requests and ask them to email to both email addresses.

If she says she can’t/wont etc then you have your proof. Not that you need it.

The hotel and getting the manager sacked isn’t going to help you. You will still have cheaty mc cheater on your sofa, lying and cheating to get her ego kibbles.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 30/04/2024 12:40

You know that she is cheating, has form for it and seems like a bad liar.
Why would you stay with someone with so little respect for you?
You don't need more proof.

Pphh · 30/04/2024 13:24

You are pursuing the wrong person here and wasting all of your energy in the hotel/police/lawyer/whatever.

do you really need a piece of cctv or a hotel booking or whatever to prove what is clearly staring you in the face? You followed your
hunch’ once then do it again! Your wife clearly can’t explain it. That tells you everything you need to know, not a piece of cctv or whatever you’re going to gain. Retain your dignity.

Workhardcryharder · 30/04/2024 13:25

Huge betrayal from your wife, huge reg flags from you if I’m honest. Go your separate ways

DrJonesIpresume · 30/04/2024 13:51

Onetiredbeing · 30/04/2024 11:43

That's what you have to offer. Because it's a women doing the wrong.

You what?

If you think it's okay for a hotel to give out room information about female guests to anyone who rocks up at reception saying they know them, then you have another think coming.

Freesia9 · 30/04/2024 14:05

Please don't report the hotel manager who went out on a limb, risking their job to help you. (Albeit coming from a misguided place of "trying to do the right thing" due to their past experience of being cheated on)

kkloo · 30/04/2024 14:23

Freesia9 · 30/04/2024 14:05

Please don't report the hotel manager who went out on a limb, risking their job to help you. (Albeit coming from a misguided place of "trying to do the right thing" due to their past experience of being cheated on)

She needs to be reported. He could have been a stalker or dangerous ex for all the manager knew.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/04/2024 15:35

just divorce her
once a cheat, always a cheat
you dont need proof.

Lavender14 · 30/04/2024 19:58

Onetiredbeing · 30/04/2024 11:43

That's what you have to offer. Because it's a women doing the wrong.

@Onetiredbeing the reason why so many people are shocked by the hotels lack of guest security is because it puts vulnerable women at risk. Just think of how many women are stalked by violent and abusive ex husbands or boyfriends. Information being given out like this could result in a woman being killed. That's why people are horrified. Not because it's a woman doing the cheating.

(Not saying this is the case with op just that's where the concern is coming from) Hotel manager should absolutely be reported although I'm not sure op is the one to do it.

TrishM80 · 01/05/2024 00:40

Of course she cheated.

You need to leave her, and get an STD check.

beenwhereyouare · 01/05/2024 02:42

"We discussed last week about cheating, and I told her that if she is up to something, then if I ever find out (she has done it before in 2020) then 'it is over'.

Let it be over. Life is too short to have so much heartache.

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