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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everything says she cheated, but did she?

150 replies

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

OP posts:
Spartak · 30/04/2024 02:47

Why are you calling the Police and getting legal advice on GDPR tomorrow?

Surely you need to be focusing on what you are going to be doing regarding your marriage rather than creating more drama!

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:48

DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 02:45

If this is real it's obvious your wife is a liar.

Why waste any more time with someone who sleeps around?

This is real. She cheated on me in 2020 and was caught red handed, we moved on and I've had no concerns until recently, and what happened this weekend.

Like I've said on other posts, if she had gone to work like she should have, I would have been none the wiser...I'd have still had a cheating wife, I just wouldn't have known.

OP posts:
kkloo · 30/04/2024 02:50

If this is true then it's absolutely shocking that the hotel would tell a random man all that information.
Also motels/hotels are regularly used for cheating as it is so it would be bizarre for the manager to decide to expose your wife even if she was cheated on herself.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:53

Spartak · 30/04/2024 02:47

Why are you calling the Police and getting legal advice on GDPR tomorrow?

Surely you need to be focusing on what you are going to be doing regarding your marriage rather than creating more drama!

My marriage is in tatters, and my wife is blaming me for it all...she's decided to sleep on the sofa tonight.

My comment about the police and GDPR advice is that this hotel (if my wife is innocent) could have destroyed our marriage, and they need to be brought to account for doing so. Even if she is guilty, in the moment I didn't think about it, but they have done wrong. hence when I went back to complain, but they provided me with more evidence that she was not telling the truth.

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 30/04/2024 02:58

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:53

My marriage is in tatters, and my wife is blaming me for it all...she's decided to sleep on the sofa tonight.

My comment about the police and GDPR advice is that this hotel (if my wife is innocent) could have destroyed our marriage, and they need to be brought to account for doing so. Even if she is guilty, in the moment I didn't think about it, but they have done wrong. hence when I went back to complain, but they provided me with more evidence that she was not telling the truth.

I don't think the UK police will be interested TBH. Talk to your wife.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:00

kkloo · 30/04/2024 02:50

If this is true then it's absolutely shocking that the hotel would tell a random man all that information.
Also motels/hotels are regularly used for cheating as it is so it would be bizarre for the manager to decide to expose your wife even if she was cheated on herself.

it is true, yeah i understand about the manager exposing my wife...why?
it all could have been so different, if she'd gone to work like she should have done....or even if she'd left the hotel between me passing and coming back.
she could have been at home when i got home and similarly i'd be in the dark about what she had got up to.

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 30/04/2024 03:00

If this is genuinely true, and I'm sincerely sorry for you if it is, then your wife is an emotionally abusive lying, gaslighter (who most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, cheated on you and is lying through her teeth right now) and you are an incredibly gullible person to believe her when literally all the evidence points to her cheating. I wish you the best of luck (in hopefully getting away from your abusive wife).

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:03

Neurodiversitydoctor · 30/04/2024 02:58

I don't think the UK police will be interested TBH. Talk to your wife.

They probably won't be, but if a solicitor thinks I've got a case, I need to stop the CCTV getting erased. You never know, what they've told me (other than the room she says she was in which she clearly wasn't) if it turns out to be a crock of poo poo, then I need that CCTV.

I've spoken to my wife, she denies doing anything wrong, but right now, the hotel have provided me with more proof than she can...she cannot provide me anything, other than her 'word'.

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 30/04/2024 03:04

Actually, to be fair, you may not usually be gullible, but if not, then you're in extreme denial. Your wife has already proven to be a cheater. You have overwhelming evidence she is lying. The motel staff have absolutely no reason to lie to you. Your wife on the other hand has a very very good reason to lie.

Spartak · 30/04/2024 03:08

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:53

My marriage is in tatters, and my wife is blaming me for it all...she's decided to sleep on the sofa tonight.

My comment about the police and GDPR advice is that this hotel (if my wife is innocent) could have destroyed our marriage, and they need to be brought to account for doing so. Even if she is guilty, in the moment I didn't think about it, but they have done wrong. hence when I went back to complain, but they provided me with more evidence that she was not telling the truth.

The Police aren't going to be interested in the fact that your wife is cheating on you. They may be interested in you tracking your wife, banging on the hotel door and then looking at information on computer screens that you are not entitled to

You'd be better spending your energy on making plans for the future.

Would you really want to be in the dark about it? Getting revenge on the manager isn't going to change what happened. They are not to blame for your wife's behaviour.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:10

Sorchamarie · 30/04/2024 03:00

If this is genuinely true, and I'm sincerely sorry for you if it is, then your wife is an emotionally abusive lying, gaslighter (who most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, cheated on you and is lying through her teeth right now) and you are an incredibly gullible person to believe her when literally all the evidence points to her cheating. I wish you the best of luck (in hopefully getting away from your abusive wife).

I assure you this is true. The way she is treating me now, since my original post just adds more fuel to the fire, apparently this is now all my fault...I have created the drama.
No, she went out for the night with a plan to meet a bloke, she didn't go to work as she should have done, god knows what she was up to, but it meant she got caught out.
her mind set has changed from 'she would have done exactly the same as I did' to 'it is my fault, I have caused the drama', she also said something along the lines of 'I wanted her to cheat, I wanted to catch her'...WTF?!!!

OP posts:
Spartak · 30/04/2024 03:11

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:03

They probably won't be, but if a solicitor thinks I've got a case, I need to stop the CCTV getting erased. You never know, what they've told me (other than the room she says she was in which she clearly wasn't) if it turns out to be a crock of poo poo, then I need that CCTV.

I've spoken to my wife, she denies doing anything wrong, but right now, the hotel have provided me with more proof than she can...she cannot provide me anything, other than her 'word'.

Edited

The hotel aren't going to hand over the CCTV to you.

kkloo · 30/04/2024 03:12

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:00

it is true, yeah i understand about the manager exposing my wife...why?
it all could have been so different, if she'd gone to work like she should have done....or even if she'd left the hotel between me passing and coming back.
she could have been at home when i got home and similarly i'd be in the dark about what she had got up to.

Even if this had been innocent then it sounds like the relationship was already completely fucked anyway.

Let's say she had felt a bit sick in the morning so didn't go to work and tried to sleep it off before she returned home....and in the meantime you phoned and phoned and phoned and then went and saw her car and then went and investigated at the motel and knocked on the door and she answered and it was her there alone.

You would have been relieved of course, but that situation wouldn't have been normal or healthy. It's understandable after being cheated on in the past and particularly if there was gaslighting involved but it's deeply unhealthy to be in a relationship with no trust.

kkloo · 30/04/2024 03:14

she also said something along the lines of 'I wanted her to cheat, I wanted to catch her'...WTF?!!!

Are you always trying to catch her cheating?

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:17

Spartak · 30/04/2024 03:08

The Police aren't going to be interested in the fact that your wife is cheating on you. They may be interested in you tracking your wife, banging on the hotel door and then looking at information on computer screens that you are not entitled to

You'd be better spending your energy on making plans for the future.

Would you really want to be in the dark about it? Getting revenge on the manager isn't going to change what happened. They are not to blame for your wife's behaviour.

I would need the police, or at least something from a solictor quickly ordering the CCTV not to be erased if it needed to be viewed e.g. if the hotel have broken GDPR regs.

Tracking, mutual agreement using iPhone 'Find My Friends' just like how the kids are kept an eye on (she does that, not me).

I didn't look on computer screens, the manager brought me the 'room book' showing me the room she said she was in wasn't used, they did it, I didn't ask, and again this should be on the CCTV from reception.

No, you're right, it's not the manager to blame...

Sorry, my head is a complete mess and I do realise deep down what has happened, hence my post...Everything says she cheated, but did she?

OP posts:
thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:19

Spartak · 30/04/2024 03:11

The hotel aren't going to hand over the CCTV to you.

No, I know this, but if they have broken GDPR regs, and if my wife was miraculously innocent, I would sue the cr@p out of them.

OP posts:
thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:24

kkloo · 30/04/2024 03:14

she also said something along the lines of 'I wanted her to cheat, I wanted to catch her'...WTF?!!!

Are you always trying to catch her cheating?

Other than catching her red handed 4 years ago, with a witness (so she couldn't deny it)...not had any doubts since.

When I left home on Saturday morning, I simply assumed she was at work...it was when she sent me the message and didn't pick up her phone, then seeing her car was still at the hotel, gut feeling set in...

OP posts:
thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:29

kkloo · 30/04/2024 03:12

Even if this had been innocent then it sounds like the relationship was already completely fucked anyway.

Let's say she had felt a bit sick in the morning so didn't go to work and tried to sleep it off before she returned home....and in the meantime you phoned and phoned and phoned and then went and saw her car and then went and investigated at the motel and knocked on the door and she answered and it was her there alone.

You would have been relieved of course, but that situation wouldn't have been normal or healthy. It's understandable after being cheated on in the past and particularly if there was gaslighting involved but it's deeply unhealthy to be in a relationship with no trust.

Maybe it was fucked from her side, but not mine...
I do understand what you are saying, the shop I went to that morning was a chemist, my local chemist didn't have what I needed.
if i had got what I needed the day before, I would not have been going anywhere near where she was. I would have probably been in bed when she got home....and again, been none the wiser about what she had been up to.

OP posts:
kkloo · 30/04/2024 03:30

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:19

No, I know this, but if they have broken GDPR regs, and if my wife was miraculously innocent, I would sue the cr@p out of them.

I'm not sure if an investigation would be looking into whether your wife was innocent or not though.

Surely they broke GDPR anyway regardless of whether they were lying or telling the truth.

Spartak · 30/04/2024 03:36

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:19

No, I know this, but if they have broken GDPR regs, and if my wife was miraculously innocent, I would sue the cr@p out of them.

Your solicitor has no power to make demands over what happens with CCTV. You won't have a case to sue the hotel either.

It's a really horrible position to be in but flying off to solicitors, police, complaining to the hotel etc won't change the fact your wife is cheating on you.

It sounds as if you don't trust your wife, which given her past behaviour is understandable but do you want to be in a relationship where there's no trust?

Bournetilly · 30/04/2024 03:45

You can’t call the police because the hotel might of destroyed your marriage, getting a solicitor is also ridiculous. Your wife clearly cheated on you.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2024 04:11

IamII · 29/04/2024 20:52

A hotel gave out all that information to a random man, CCTV footage and everything? Really?

This.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2024 04:14

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 00:47

I'd love to, if this is some joke by the hotel, it's a sick joke and my marriage is literally hanging by a thread now, not just because of what I'm told, what I've been shown, my wife has now turned on me.
She initially told me she'd have done exactly the same as I did, in fact she'd have knocked on every door until she found me. 2 days later, I am the bad man...

I am calling the police tomorrow (reagarding CCTV) and seeking legal advice re: GDPR etc.

Why on earth would you calk the police? They don't investigate marital affairs. Hth.

LAMPS1 · 30/04/2024 05:06

Regardless of privacy laws, when you asked the hotel staff for help, did you want them to give you their truthful information or not ?
You asked for help and they helped.
Why on earth would they make up a story like this to ruin your marriage. What’s in it for them ?

They helpfully gave you the facts because you made clear you wanted to find your wife. they didn’t show you CCTV. They didn’t hand over lover boy’s name and address. They made sure you didn’t see him.

You can’t have it both ways. You are in such denial about your cheating wife that you want to blame the hotel staff for making up a wild story.

But is it all your wild story ?

Only you know.

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