Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everything says she cheated, but did she?

150 replies

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 30/04/2024 05:15

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:19

No, I know this, but if they have broken GDPR regs, and if my wife was miraculously innocent, I would sue the cr@p out of them.

This is misplaced anger, you are not going to sue the hotel, they haven't acted professionally, but they had no motive to mislead you, it literally doesn't make any sense.

Newnamehiwhodis · 30/04/2024 05:20

just get a divorce. Chasing around about the hotel is ridiculous.
I don’t believe this hysterical, odd post is real,
but if it is and she cheated on you in 2020, just get a divorce and move on.

MariaVT65 · 30/04/2024 05:21

She already cheated on you in 2020 and now you’re running around like this trying to see if she cheated on you again, which you wouldn’t do if you trusted her.

Your marriage is over. Please divorce her.

Michellebops · 30/04/2024 05:35

Your anger is misplaced if you think going to the police and solicitor is going to make a difference.
Yes the hotel shouldn't have given you so much information but you need to accept that they have no reason to lie.

Your wife has a history of cheating and seems to be a compulsive liar. These sort of people don't change they only become more manipulative and bolder.

Time to start divorce proceedings as you're been taken for a mug

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/04/2024 05:39

You don't need anymore proof than what you have.

She has cheated before and it's obvious she is cheating now

Get the divorce moving and leave her

Duh · 30/04/2024 05:45

I’m sorry your wife has cheated on you.

The police will not be interested

The person whose data has been breached is your wife, not you. You don’t have any right to make a GDPR complaint. She does.

yhk · 30/04/2024 05:55

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:24

Other than catching her red handed 4 years ago, with a witness (so she couldn't deny it)...not had any doubts since.

When I left home on Saturday morning, I simply assumed she was at work...it was when she sent me the message and didn't pick up her phone, then seeing her car was still at the hotel, gut feeling set in...

Ah, so she has form for being a cheat.

Don't direct your anger towards hotel staff for helping you out. You should be angry at your wife.

The police won't do anything with your GDPR complaint.

Of course your wife is going to gaslight you and make you doubt yourself, but you have been told that the woman who owns her car in the car park is in a room with another man. The hotel staff gave you a description of the woman that matched your wife's description.

You were told by staff the room that she said she was staying in was unoccupied, and when you knocked on the room door where she was, nobody answered.

You were then told that your wife left the room with a man after you had left.

It is clear as day that she is up to her old tricks again.

I'm starting to think this is a wind up post now. Nobody can be this deluded, surely?

fedupwithbeingcold · 30/04/2024 06:01

What country are you in where a hotel would give that sort of info to anyone? How dangerous!

I think your story sounds very strange

MsDogLady · 30/04/2024 06:02

@thebadmanuk, you’ve been in a false reconciliation. Your Wife is a serial cheat, habitual liar, and ace manipulator.

You caught her cheating 4 years ago. A remorseful spouse would have moved mountains to restore trust and help you heal by providing honesty, fidelity, respect and transparency. She would have taken full responsibility for her unethical choices and examined her character flaws that enabled her infidelity. The truth is your W has never stopped making a mockery of you and your children via her brazen lying, cheating, gaslighting, and blame shifting.

Why are you still tolerating the shit sandwiches she is serving you? What are your actual dealbreakers?

I suggest that you check out the Just Found Out forum on the survivinginfidelity site. You will receive excellent advice from wise posters who have been in your shoes.

Supersoakers · 30/04/2024 06:04

It would be easy enough to find out if she was where she said she was the night before - ask the name of the restaurant etc

IncompleteSenten · 30/04/2024 06:07

Ok well, if this happened then she cheated. Obviously.

The hotel has no reason to lie.
She has a good reason to lie.

You seem to be looking to see if there's any way you can believe her lies because you don't want to accept what she did. Again.

She's a cheater.
You don't actually need her to admit it.
You know.

You need to decide what, if anything, you are going to do.

Houseinawood · 30/04/2024 06:11

My friends husband had an affair with her best friend. She suspected and called me when he left for a night out with the lads.
I looked after the children. She went to the best friends house and his car was parked there. To give him the benefit of the doubt (in case he said he was helping her with diy or whatever) she waited until 5 am he was still there etc she then came back for the children and she asked me to go to the house. At 6.30 am he came out kissed her and got in the car - I phone her and told her the days where there was a phone box on the road and I phoned the landline - how times have changed!! . I then went back to her house. He denied everything. Called her nuts and was livid. He was screaming at me that I was mistaken and it must have been someone else etc. she told him to leave and already packed a suitcase etc and he went straight to her saying
‘I’m not having an affair. You are mental but I may as well as you are accusing me etc ‘

Her best friend denied everything and the worse thing is I couldn’t tell he was lying - he could just lie. We knew he was but he never admitted it.

He went to live with her immediately etc even now 30 years later - he married her 30 years ago and he still denies it.

Your wife - no drama just divorce her - just say the trust has gone

HollyKnight · 30/04/2024 06:12

You know the saying, "Fool me once..."

You chose to be in a relationship with a cheater. This is the outcome.

KomodoOhno · 30/04/2024 06:23

Most hotels would be in serious trouble for this level of info given. Imagine they tell someone all this and they come back with a gun...

wherearemywellingtons · 30/04/2024 06:23

The police are simply not going to care that a hotel manager told you your wife was in a room with a man. They can barely be arsed to make it out for burglary’s and real crimes. I doubt they’ll be racing over to the hotel to insist CCTV of you stalking your wife/talking to the hotel manager isn’t erased. Your wife had clearly cheated and it wouldn’t be hard for her to show you at least something if she hadn’t. Confirmation of the friend she was out with? A couple of photos taken on the night? Come on. Stop being so in denial. Her angry response has confirmed it. Stop trying to blame the hotel for telling you what you didn’t want to hear. And again, good luck suing the hotel. Most CCTV doesn’t even have sound so how you could prove what she said to you I don’t know.

Usernamechange1234 · 30/04/2024 06:32

This is a tough read. Your desperate need to believe your wife’s gaslighting is heartbreaking.

Your wife cheated 4 years ago and you both ‘moved on’. Moving on is not an option when dealing with a cheat (it’s rug sweeping) they need to dig deep and do serious amounts of work to get to grips with their level of selfishness and entitlement. Put simply your wife did nothing and is still a risk in a safe monogamous relationship.

She has now cheated again. This is not the motels fault, yes they shouldn’t have given you as much info as they did but it’s by the by. Your wife’s story is absolute bs.

You have a wife problem, focus on that. Honestly the idea that the police have resources to even care that this has happened is bonkers.

@thebadmanuk you can’t keep living like this. This is no way to carry on with a wife brazenly being secretive, gaslighting and manipulating you.

Leave her. You sound like a kind decent man who deserves so much better.

KomodoOhno · 30/04/2024 06:34

Usernamechange1234 · 30/04/2024 06:32

This is a tough read. Your desperate need to believe your wife’s gaslighting is heartbreaking.

Your wife cheated 4 years ago and you both ‘moved on’. Moving on is not an option when dealing with a cheat (it’s rug sweeping) they need to dig deep and do serious amounts of work to get to grips with their level of selfishness and entitlement. Put simply your wife did nothing and is still a risk in a safe monogamous relationship.

She has now cheated again. This is not the motels fault, yes they shouldn’t have given you as much info as they did but it’s by the by. Your wife’s story is absolute bs.

You have a wife problem, focus on that. Honestly the idea that the police have resources to even care that this has happened is bonkers.

@thebadmanuk you can’t keep living like this. This is no way to carry on with a wife brazenly being secretive, gaslighting and manipulating you.

Leave her. You sound like a kind decent man who deserves so much better.

Edited

I agree. This is no way to live. Better alone then in bad company my gran used to say.

Usernamechange1234 · 30/04/2024 06:35

Get yourself a copy of leave a cheater gain a life. Honestly so much will become clear if you read that book!

TheExclusiveSandwich · 30/04/2024 06:35

A motel where you go straight up to the door of the room and knock? Is it in England?

Usernamechange1234 · 30/04/2024 06:38

TheExclusiveSandwich · 30/04/2024 06:35

A motel where you go straight up to the door of the room and knock? Is it in England?

Booking dot com say there are 42 through them so definitely a thing!

wompwomp · 30/04/2024 06:46

HopeFloatsAbove · 29/04/2024 21:33

I am sure any hotel business is under data protection of sort, surely a man off the street cannot just demand information. Plus you sound really unhinged calling, checking location over and over again, driving by etc.

If your wife cheated then you are the only person who knows your own limits on what you will tolerate re the cheating , meaning, do you stay or is this it. If this is true that is.

Oh come off it. Nothing unhinged if you think your partner has cheated to get emotional and try to get hold of them. A lot.

candycrush02 · 30/04/2024 06:48

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:48

This is real. She cheated on me in 2020 and was caught red handed, we moved on and I've had no concerns until recently, and what happened this weekend.

Like I've said on other posts, if she had gone to work like she should have, I would have been none the wiser...I'd have still had a cheating wife, I just wouldn't have known.

I'll take a chance and say this is a true story, i'm 52/48 on this though!!!

So you have a choice, you either accept your wife's version of events or not & if you do think she is lying, do you leave her or put up with what will be repeated cheating.

Chasing shadows with the Hotel etc is pointless, even if you could prove she slept alone, doesn't mean she didn't have sex with someone at another point during her stay and deep down, you think she did because she has done it before.

You'd not have followed her around etc etc if you truly trusted her, so of course you had concerns, you never really moved on, though sounds like she did!

HashtagShitShop · 30/04/2024 06:50

Personally, leaving aside the legality and gdpr, it sounds like classic DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse victim and offender.

She cheated, she's feeling guilty and furious at being found out, she's lying through her teeth and blaming you for daring to go to the place and for accusing her and using her own past where she was caught red handed against you as its definitely that and not the obvious.

It's manipulative and it's making you second guess yourself as it's supposed to. Either way you'll never be happy and fully trust her ever again.

TheExclusiveSandwich · 30/04/2024 06:55

Lol. Good research
Plus the idea that the hotel manager would reveal details about customers.

I sniff bullshit

PineappleTime · 30/04/2024 07:02

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 02:53

My marriage is in tatters, and my wife is blaming me for it all...she's decided to sleep on the sofa tonight.

My comment about the police and GDPR advice is that this hotel (if my wife is innocent) could have destroyed our marriage, and they need to be brought to account for doing so. Even if she is guilty, in the moment I didn't think about it, but they have done wrong. hence when I went back to complain, but they provided me with more evidence that she was not telling the truth.

You're directing your anger at the wrong place! You think a hotel would make up stories to ruin your marriage? The most obvious explanation is the most likely to be true.

not that any of this actually sounds true