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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everything says she cheated, but did she?

150 replies

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

OP posts:
EffortlesslyInelegant · 30/04/2024 07:06

What is a hotel 'room book'?

TinkerTiger · 30/04/2024 08:05

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 23:39

Yeah it is, she said the same on Saturday night and my reply was that I had half a mind to go in and complain, which I did…

Illegal surely, due to GDPR. What if the wife was fleeing DV and her husband was tracking her down? 🤔

OzziePopPop · 30/04/2024 08:11

Bournetilly · 30/04/2024 03:45

You can’t call the police because the hotel might of destroyed your marriage, getting a solicitor is also ridiculous. Your wife clearly cheated on you.

Nah, getting a solicitor is a great idea! Not to sue the hotel of course, for the divorce!

OP, seriously…. Just admit it’s over, get that solicitor, get a divorce and get some counselling to sort your head out. Good luck.

fatphalange · 30/04/2024 08:26

You'd be an absolute nutter to believe anything other than, yes, of course she has cheated.
But then again your behaviour was that of a nutter.
Your hunch was right this time but to chase down your wife this way on account of....nothing, makes me question what you are usually like and whether your wife would be afraid of you if she tried to leave or be truthful about what she did.
So to answer your question: yeah she cheated. But you sound frightening. Seriously.

GoldenTrout · 30/04/2024 08:34

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:03

They probably won't be, but if a solicitor thinks I've got a case, I need to stop the CCTV getting erased. You never know, what they've told me (other than the room she says she was in which she clearly wasn't) if it turns out to be a crock of poo poo, then I need that CCTV.

I've spoken to my wife, she denies doing anything wrong, but right now, the hotel have provided me with more proof than she can...she cannot provide me anything, other than her 'word'.

Edited

What "case" are you envisaging bringing? You don't need to prove adultery to get a divorce, and if anyone has a case against the hotel it would be your wife.

What has your wife said about why she didn't go to work?

GoldenTrout · 30/04/2024 08:38

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:17

I would need the police, or at least something from a solictor quickly ordering the CCTV not to be erased if it needed to be viewed e.g. if the hotel have broken GDPR regs.

Tracking, mutual agreement using iPhone 'Find My Friends' just like how the kids are kept an eye on (she does that, not me).

I didn't look on computer screens, the manager brought me the 'room book' showing me the room she said she was in wasn't used, they did it, I didn't ask, and again this should be on the CCTV from reception.

No, you're right, it's not the manager to blame...

Sorry, my head is a complete mess and I do realise deep down what has happened, hence my post...Everything says she cheated, but did she?

The police will tell you to go away and get a solicitor, but a solicitor can't order anyone to do anything. The best they can do is threaten court proceedings, but it seems to me the only people here who have a right of action are your wife and the man the hotel claims she was with.

AgentProvocateur · 30/04/2024 08:41

forget about the police and the hotel. Your wife is cheating on you and taking you for an idiot. It’s blatantly obvious.

swimsong · 30/04/2024 08:54

This is coming across like a cuckold fantasy.

beatrix1234 · 30/04/2024 09:01

Why oh why is MN a playground for hobbyist romance and fiction writers I have no idea. Slow day in the news for daily mail journos?

purpleme12 · 30/04/2024 09:02

😂

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 30/04/2024 09:10

She lied
You can't trust her
She almost certainly cheated.

Why didn't you wait outside the hotel for them to leave?

Honestly I'd stop looking for answers and decide if you can forgive her or if you want to split.

SweatyRubble · 30/04/2024 09:12

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

This can't be real, surely?

TerrifiedOfNoise · 30/04/2024 09:25

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 03:03

They probably won't be, but if a solicitor thinks I've got a case, I need to stop the CCTV getting erased. You never know, what they've told me (other than the room she says she was in which she clearly wasn't) if it turns out to be a crock of poo poo, then I need that CCTV.

I've spoken to my wife, she denies doing anything wrong, but right now, the hotel have provided me with more proof than she can...she cannot provide me anything, other than her 'word'.

Edited

She can provide you with her hotel booking. If she can’t then you know she was with someone else. Tbh though you know she cheated, there’s no reason she would stay overnight at the motel otherwise.

SetinTime · 30/04/2024 09:28

A very good lifetime movie that 😂😂

TakeOnFlea · 30/04/2024 09:38

Pmsl that the majority of MNetters actually can't believe staff at a shitty motel might let the gossip get the better of them because of GDPR 😂

Have you seen the state of some of the staff across this countries minimum wage industries lately?

Pookerrod · 30/04/2024 09:46

None of this makes sense. We don’t do “suing the crap” out of people here in the UK, you’ve been watching too many US TV dramas.

The police don’t deal with minor GDPR breaches. You need to report to the ICO. It would be considered a very minor breach and nothing much will happen.

zeibesaffron · 30/04/2024 09:47

With kindness I think the police conversations and GDPR is a red herring- if you want to complain about the hotel (I am not sure why you should as they have tried to guide you and provide you with evidence) you need to talk to the ICO. I am not saying they didn’t do anything wrong as they did - but perhaps the manager felt sorry for you and that your wife was out of order!!!

The evidence is:

  • your wife’s protectiveness over her phone
  • your wife being glued to her phone!
  • some random story about a friend of a friend winning a hotel room!
  • your wifes car was outside the hotel and she was not in the room she said she was
  • the hotel said she was with a man at the bar and in her room!
  • why would the hotel lie - what would the gain be?

Your wife is gaslighting you - you don’t need any other ‘evidence’ - you know what happened and what you have seen at home. You now need to take control and identify what you want. However, your wife is cheating again!! build your confidence - leave or kick her out!!!

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 30/04/2024 09:51

thebadmanuk · 29/04/2024 20:12

Help!! Am I going mad??

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night, she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, then got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon. I rang her, no answer, no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park.
I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. There were 4 in a row, 3 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the one still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with your wife when she gets home.

My wife and I had it out, she denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her, we must have missed each other by seconds.

The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated.
The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Am I mad?

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

I'm sorry to say, she's lied, and continues to lie. She's cheated and has had the audacity to do so near to home. She's been caught out but she'll do it again.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 10:32

OK, so please be kind and appreciate where my head is at right now.
The police/solicitor idea, I get it. It's not going to happen, I have no case for anything, and the hotel as some people have said they did help me find my wife, she was in that room and wouldn't be coming out til I'd left.

After all, the people in that room, if they didn't know me from Adam, if I was nothing to do with the woman in there, open the door, leave. I'm not going to create a scene or something if it wasn't my wife.
She obviously knew I was calling and ignoring me, the curtains in the room were closed but she must have seen my car in the car park, it must have been her and wouldn't/couldn't come out while I was there.

She didn't want to give me the visual evidence of what she'd done, this allows the lies to continue, deny what she'd done etc. I get it...

OP posts:
Kbroughton · 30/04/2024 10:46

Of all the things that didn't happen this week, this didn't happen the most. Reported.

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 10:53

fatphalange · 30/04/2024 08:26

You'd be an absolute nutter to believe anything other than, yes, of course she has cheated.
But then again your behaviour was that of a nutter.
Your hunch was right this time but to chase down your wife this way on account of....nothing, makes me question what you are usually like and whether your wife would be afraid of you if she tried to leave or be truthful about what she did.
So to answer your question: yeah she cheated. But you sound frightening. Seriously.

Chase her down? I was simply going to the shop, she should have been at work but wasn't. If she had gone to work then none of this would have happened. I'd have gone to the shop and returned home. Still would have had a cheating wife, but I'd have had no reason whatsoever to go in to the hotel.

Believe me, my wife is not scared of me, if anything, I should be scared of her. I've never laid a finger on her, never would... She is free to leave this house if she wishes.

OP posts:
YouHaveAnArse · 30/04/2024 10:53

Are there kids involved in this relationship, btw?

thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 10:54

GoldenTrout · 30/04/2024 08:34

What "case" are you envisaging bringing? You don't need to prove adultery to get a divorce, and if anyone has a case against the hotel it would be your wife.

What has your wife said about why she didn't go to work?

She didn't go to work because she didn't sleep very well. I wonder why?!!!!

OP posts:
thebadmanuk · 30/04/2024 11:02

TerrifiedOfNoise · 30/04/2024 09:25

She can provide you with her hotel booking. If she can’t then you know she was with someone else. Tbh though you know she cheated, there’s no reason she would stay overnight at the motel otherwise.

There is no 'booking', she told me it was a prize won by her friend. The manager showed me the list of rooms that had been used on the night in question - the room she says she was in, was empty!

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 30/04/2024 11:07

The cuckholds are out full force this week. 🐦🐦