Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

Mine is more a lack of critical thinking. Remember in my late teens/very early 20's having to throw out a vacuum selling person as my dad was ready to spend something like £1k (and this was probably 1990/1 so that was a lot of money.

Mentioning house insurance to my mum, she looks shifty - have you got insurance mum? No, we have nothing worth anything. Me, how will you afford to rebuild the house if there's a fire. Her - we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Me - and what if the fire starts in your house and destroys the neighbours (they lived in a semi) ? Silence. Also had the same with car tax - just not sorted. Well i don't know how other people remember, i will just say i am old they write it down mum probably, I know I do and I'm 30 years younger than you .

Sorry you asked how I deal I don't get involved, train myself to have a non emotional response. So when she offers my child a Christmas present and hasn't thought to look how much it is and then tells child she can't have it when she does look I resist the urge to take to my bed in depression!! Observe them like an experiment. Oh and a lot of counselling!

Perhaps they have a hidden disability, many people have low intellectual skills that isn't their fault, I'm sure they did their best for you.

My Mum is the same, all the more noticeable since my dad passed as he covered a lot of her STUPID behaviour. He used to call her a drama Queen and we thought he was being cruel, he wasn’t 🥴

She worked as a HCA in the NHS for 32 years, we used to call her nurse Ratchet, you’d think she ran the ward. Then on an OAP holiday she watched one of the old dears having a stroke, but didn’t alert anyone for a good 20 minutes, feckin idiot 🤦‍♀️.

One of my old hairdressers unfortunately had a still birth at full term, it was horrendous for her, nurse Ratchet pipes up that she had a miscarriage and the Dr told her it’s just natures way of telling you it wasn’t right !!? I could have died. I don’t know if it’s an undiagnosed condition, but she’s very fucking annoying and certainly doesn’t engage brain before opening her mouth. I like another post on here just emotionally tune out, you may think that’s awful but if I didn’t I’d go mad.

My father had no practical skills whatsoever, but on top of that he kept embarking on projects he couldn’t manage. He’d lose his keys on a weekly basis, get terribly upset, mobilise everyone to look for him, then when the crisis was over forget it all and lose them again the week after. No putting measures in place not to lose stuff. Only through my brother being diagnosed, late in life, with autism and dyspraxia do I realise my father had these conditions too. Realising this has made me a bit more understanding of him.
That doesn’t mean your parents have a hidden disability too OP, but maybe worth considering.

The way you speak about your parents is absolutely vile.

My parents were fine but I've realised that I'm married to someone very similar. My children will be writing your post in a few years time about their father. I've covered up a lot of his stupidity over the years because I thought surely nobody is that stupid, got to be another reason. Although it does beg the question of how stupid I was to procreate (and stay) with someone like that.

The puzzling part of your post is "they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid". Nothing else about the situation seems difficult - plenty of smart offspring have not-smart parents.
What did they actually do to achieve this indoctrination? Was it more than just the near-universal 'mother knows best' that parents adopt in order to keep their children safe and happy (in accordance with their own perception of what safety and happiness require?
And have you yourself contributed to the dissonance? I mean, we all have a range of reasons for idealising our parents when we are young and vulnerable.

My mum has learning difficulties. But I don’t have a problem acknowledging that she’s not intellectually capable. It took me a while to figure it out - when I was younger she taught me things that were blatantly wrong and I didn’t realise till I was older. But once I realised then it wasn’t an issue going forward. She is very kind - much kinder than me - and I support her with the other things she struggles with.

Have you read the poem by Philip Larkin, there’s one verse “ They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and some extra just for you”

You are very lucky if you have lovely parents.

They’re your parents. They don’t have to be Mensa level geniuses!

Another thing to add: It is in the nature of being not-very-bright that you are less good than smart people at maintaining an awareness of your intellectual limitations, and scrutinising your beliefs ('How happy is the fool/He doesn't give a damn/I wish I was a fool/My god perhaps I am!).
If they are as challenged as you seem to think they are, are you perhaps being a little unfair on your parents, by expecting them to be perceptive of their limitations?

You're obviously not as shallow as the op whose parents were just unfortunate with their child.

Have you posted this before, I'm sure I have read the Disney thing word for word.

Have you got dc op? I wonder if you'll be so discriminating if your own children carry their Grandparents genes down.

Yes, they've definitely gone wrong somewhere.

My parents are both very intelligent (multiple degrees, multiple professional qualifications, high earning, my father still working in his 70s and in great demand) and yet both of them occasionally say and do things that make me think "What is wrong with you?". I can't pin it on dementia either because they have always been like that. And (not to be modest) I am also intelligent but sometimes simultaneously idiotic. Maybe a lot of people are?

Your parents have survived a long time in the world quite happily and the fact that they occasionally do really dumb stuff probably shouldn't trouble you that much.

Is this AIBU? Nope. Why all the arsey responses? They do sound a bit hopeless, OP is just mulling that over.

We had our issues at times, like any others, and were quite distanced at one point for a number of years but I never felt anything like the contempt showing here. I just found the OP to be an extremely unpleasant read.

God forbid anyone should anonymously speak the unvarnished truth and seek support, eh?

Here's one for you, then.

My mother was thick as shit. Except for where it came to convincing social workers that she was a hapless, middle class widow in reduced circumstances. Oh, and always knew exactly where to punch to not leave a bruise, how to explain the marks from a battering that got out of hand or exactly how to create all encompassing terror in a small child that irked her by being intelligent in a way she never was (my brothers).

Reading skills of a 7 year old, critical reasoning of a cabbage white. Impulse control (generally rage, sometimes calculated malice) of a plant pot.

So much moralising on this thread - why can’t someone be honest about their thick parents on an anonymous forum?

Mine have zero critical thinking skills. One of them got duped thousands of pounds by a fake charity, and then…. let it happen all over again a few years later.

You're saying that your children are also stupid

No she isn't.

and you shouldn't have procreated with him?

Maybe she's saying that. Not sure.

I’ve also dated a very, very, very stupid man. He also had an aversion to Google Maps and would walk aimlessly trusting his memory from years ago / sense of direction. He would waste hours looking for a pub he could have sworn was in this town, down this street etc. Fucking idiot.

Oh leave it out, OP’s just venting, and prob being honest in a way she never is in real life