Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

I'm amazed by people defending someone else's parents that they've never met simply because they are parents. Any idiot can pop out a kid. Let people vent their issues with frustrating people. It's hard to be raised by someone with no critical thinking skills.

I quite dislike my parents. Many people do. So fucking what?

I agree, my mum was very intelligent, but told she had to leave school at 14 to pay her way. My dad's parents would have supported him to university and beyond but he left at 16 with nothing. I do think he has a degree of neurodiversity though (as do I).

My mum died in her mid fifties but in her later years started to get really fed up of dad, he was headed towards semi retirement and had no hobbies or interests whatsoever. He's retired now and watches tv all day long or YouTube videos of rugs being cleaned.

You don't have to live with them.

My mother used to have a very high IQ but she’s always been unbelievably thick. Not sure how that works. She can’t read anything more advanced than Woman’s Own/Bella (do they still exist?). She can’t seem to absorb any new information but more fool me for answering the same questions over and over and over. She’s old now but she’s always been the same.
My dad was an intellectual and I swear he went deaf as a defence mechanism!

Can identify with this.

@Wishimaywishimight "The way you speak about your parents is absolutely vile."

Here's one for you, then.

My mother was thick as shit. Except for where it came to convincing social workers that she was a hapless, middle class widow in reduced circumstances. Oh, and always knew exactly where to punch to not leave a bruise, how to explain the marks from a battering that got out of hand or exactly how to create all encompassing terror in a small child that irked her by being intelligent in a way she never was (my brothers).

Reading skills of a 7 year old, critical reasoning of a cabbage white. Impulse control (generally rage, sometimes calculated malice) of a plant pot.

That's heartbreaking, @NeverDropYourMooncup. I'm so sorry. And so many people can't conceive of a childhood like that unless it hits the newspapers.

I thought that!!

I've always asserted that my mother is very intelligent but didn't have much chance of proper education.

She's got good common sense and a very quick wit. But as I get older, I'm starting to realise... hmm.

I once had to explain to her that Jewish people don't worship Jesus. I went into great lengths about this to try and get it through to her and showed her information on google - the most I managed was to get her to accept "ok so maybe there are some Jews who don't worship Jesus". She just absolutely couldn't engage with the information she was reading as it contradicted the idea she already had in her head. She was totally and utterly convinced that Jews were people who had Jesus included in their version of the Old Testament ????

I wouldn't mind, but she went to Sunday school for Christ's sake!

My nearest Disney store closed a while ago, I think during covid. Maybe there was a Disney store and it closed.

I can sort of relate - it was such a strange feeling when the penny dropped that my (mums)family were not at all clever - and the worst kind of not clever - the kind that think they are really smart and pick up on everyone else's mistakes, and regularly mock and correct others. It took me until my late teens to realise I'd been sold a lie.

I’m very fond of mine, but they couldn’t read or write throughout my childhood (both taken out of school at 12 by parents who needed their wages), and not having help with homework or a parent able to write a sick note or read my reports was very tough, especially as they tried every means they had to pressure me into leaving school at 15, hated to see me reading, and were embarrassed when I won a scholarship to university. They continually make crazy decisions, allow themselves to be exploited, and we were always grindingly poor because of these decisions.

I suspect mild learning difficulties, and that my father is neurodiverse.

Fair point that you can still like parents who aren't smart. Mine are both from poor farming families and dropped out of high school. That's not their fault at all.

My parents lack of "intelligence" is not even the main reason I don't like them. They are abusive. I definitely left a lot of important context out. I do think my mom being stupid led to her relying on me too much when I was young. That doesn't always happen though.

So what? If they are happy and kind good-hearted people capable of living independent lives surely that's what matters?

My DC will write this about me one day - hopefully they won't think I'm stupid, though. We all have different talents don't we? I like to think I'm pretty intelligent in one sense (I have an academic job that requires a PhD, I'm very good at debates and spotting a flaw in an argument so not easily fooled by a bad argument) but I'm completely stupid in other senses. I lack practical skills, just don't understand how systems like money management work, bad memory, very easily fooled by people just saying things that are blatantly false. Day to day, when it comes to running a house, I probably seem completely stupid to my kids. My four year old knows to remind me to write things on a shopping list or pick up my keys and we're always rushing because we're late everywhere. On the other hand, I take everything my children say seriously and respond to all their questions, read them loads of books, and do lots imaginative play. Who knows what their conclusion will be about my intelligence. What I do know is that it's not black and white, there are loads of different skills that get lumped under "intelligence".

I can identify with the mouse issue. I am faced stubbornness about very simple issues. The stubbornness and refusal to take action lasts years (decades!)

When there is SUCH A SIMPLE SOLUTION 🤦‍♀️

Constant complaints about an “issue” that could be solved within 5 minutes for free. I can’t stand it! It infuriates me!

@Rocknrolla21 i am literally pissing myself laughing at your description. X

I'm sorry to read that this is making you miserable.

What helps me when certain similar things arise is focussing on knowing that i am loved and they do their best. easily avoidable situations and calamities happen but our parents are who they are. We can't change them. We can only change our expectations and response.

There are so many worse things than being a bit dim. Or ridiculous clever in some ways and barely able to function in others.

Love them as they are and release expectation for them to change or things to go smoothly and accept time together for what it is.

I would have googled the Disney store locations if that was a key part of the plan too.

“And one day all of your children will be saying the same thing about you!”

and indeed they. 😵‍💫 I got broad shoulders, slightly sagging though.

👏

My dad has a PhD and my mom an arts degree. Both had successful careers and are now well off. Yet they both watch Fox news religiously and think it is truth, all the other news sources are full of ‘liberal socialists’. They both voted for Trump and think he is a decent guy. They think the charges against him are made up. My mother also regularly visits psychics and prays to crystals (I’m not joking). She also fell for an online scam and lost about half a million dollars. For people so well educated, they are fcking stupid. I can barely speak to them anymore because all they want to do is talk about politics and I’m done being the bigger person trying to understand their perspective. At this stage I’m like 🤷

Despite what the oldies think, every generation is smarter. Admittedly Covid/lockdown has done a number on people. Add to that that your brain deteriorates from the age of 40, spells almost a definite path to stupid. Though experience can counter this. I always like to think that the Internet might help the olds, but my Mum's critical thinking is stuck. Then again she has never been able to reason and do nuance. You can be impressed with adult know-how when you are young and still learning.

Or as Andrew Collins book says...

'They tucked me up, Mum and Dad'

I like that one as lived local.

My mother is very intelligent but in the wrong way: has no idea what is good/comforting/suitable for a child yet had a highly regarded job in the NHS. She abused us in ALL ways and managed to avoid the people that were interested/concerned about our wellbeing. Very manipulative and knew what to say.
My dad is a monumental fuckwhit that can't stand up to her and didn't.
He should know better because he had a decent childhood and she didn't. They think money and opportunities solves everything, they can absolutely be worthwhile but not when the house is a violent bombsite.
So thick as mince but concerned about their own needs and wants but no ours.
I'm lucky I don't have their mindset but I do wonder why not sometimes probably because I mixed with different social groups at uni and because I had a doting, loving Grandma with alot of motherly intuition.

there are loads of different skills that get lumped under "intelligence".

This is so, so true. I know people who are intellectually very intelligent and articulate, and yet they have no wisdom or common sense. And then I know people who never shone at school and would perform poorly at an IQ test but they have excellent social skills, common sense, and consistently make the right choices for a successful life.

This is where a sense of humour is required op! Do you have siblings that you can have a chuckle with about these “events”