Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

He's retired now and watches tv all day long or YouTube videos of rugs being cleaned.

Oh god.

DH already loves a good rug cleaning video.

Me too

OP, you're getting a hammering from some. Probably the same ones that are lacking in a bit of common sense.

Parents, as much as you love them, do wonder about their thought processes (or did, anyway).

Not my parents but another close family member. Complete lack of common sense alongside refusal to check anything.

It must be so hard with parents. I sympathise.

Just goes to show that some of these parents would now be seen to have ld, yet their kids have all all turned out fine.

I think sometimes it is not stupidity as much as intellectual laziness or a complete lack of critical thinking skills. My oldest sister is the same - once insisted that there was a train station in the next town over (there isn't, she has not been there for decades and I actually work there). And then wont back down. The only way is to refuse to not check things and to be honest about why. As for the mice - its a question to just pointing out that this is what happens when they do stupid stuff.

I’ve been laughing at this for a good 5 minutes. 😂

This reminds me of when I had to explain to my mother that saying ‘I like it when blacks breed with orientals, their offspring look nice’ is so insanely racist. She just could not get it. I finally said in exasperation, you are taking about human beings, not DOGS. She also says things like ‘African and Caribbean blacks are so much better than American blacks’ and seriously does not understand why this is racist. She insists she is not racist because she has a black friend. My mother is highly educated but so ignorant about race it is truly mind blowing.

My mother in law is like this so stupid.

Examples:

Asked dad who is a vet whether dogs and cats have star signs… (she believes in star signs and horoscopes for people)…

Told us we should paint our lounge pale pink as though it was a brilliant idea… our lounge is already pale pink… she was in the lounge at the time. We don’t like the colour hence why we are looking to paint it.

Couldn’t understand why when she works overtime more money goes into her pension… I explained because it’ll be a fixed % of her income going in not a fixed amount… she just looked at me blankly.

Not a stupid thing as such but they’re buying a house and the boiler is in the kitchen and the first thing they’re going to do is move the boiler to a bedroom… I’m just like why??? Having a boiler in the bedroom I think is the least desirable place for one Because of CO risk when sleeping.

We are only a few weeks away from stupid. A smart family member, sat in hospital for three months. Hasn't had the opportunity to use their brain, and have social interaction. Rapid decline. My brother is on lots of medication, and that's done a complete number on his cognition. My partner who is very smart, can become pretty stupid when ill. Like all of us. Good health and mental clarity is in short supply.

What an unpleasant thread, what a horrible read😮

Stupid is a bad thing.

Stupid and needing rescue at others’ time, energy and expense is a worse thing.

Stupid and getting away with unkindness to others is no good and exasperating.

Sanctimony on this thread is silly and nasty.

Honestly the man does NOTHING.

This is a really interesting thread

Oh yes, the good old 'blame your parents for everything that's wrong in your life' trope!

Most people I know had lovely parents, and none would ever dream of complaining about any perceived lack of intelligence. Even those whose parents weren't as lovely don't complain about them and blame them for anything in their own life which isn't perfect. Once you are an adult your life and how it turns out is up to you.

Yes, there are some shocking parents out there. There are far many more who did their best, and the fact that parents in the past didn't make their entire life revolve around their kids doesn't make them bad parents.

Anyone who goes on a public forum and tells a bunch of randoms that their parents are unintelligent is telling me far more about themselves than they are about their parents.

I'm happy for you if you had decent parents, but there are many people out there with difficient ones, like mine. I'll complain about being sexually molested if I like, thanks very much.

Yes, there are some shocking parents out there. There are far many more who did their best

How do you know there are more who did their best?

Besides, "doing their best" isn't necessarily being the same as "being a good parent" or even a good-enough parent.

This.
This thread also also highlights some posters own lack of comprehension. The truly stupid ones just rush in with what they think is an insult. They cannot fathom that anyone's life and life experiences are different to their own. They also can't fathom that this is an anonymous forum to vent. Or that it is an interesting discussion. No they just rush in to spout stupid things. Its amazing.

Yep
Condescending, high horse (some words that come to mind)

Yes my dp is exactly like this. He's the most educated, clever person I know and yet his 'common sense' for want of a better word, makes me dumbfounded at times. I decided his brain was too busy thinking about maths equations to bother with the small stuff in life.

My parents thought Brass Eye was real. They’re just tuned in differently.

Be more patient & understanding.They’re doing their best. It’s highly likely your children will think you’re “stupid” at some stage.

The specific thing of not feeling able to go against someone's ideas even though you know it's not an area they do well in, because they're a parent, is interesting I think.

I hope you reach the point of learning how to head these issues off. I knew by the age of 11 that if my dad said something about money, it wasn't true (nothing to do with intelligence in his case). But it still took me another 30 years to really act on that knowledge and protect myself and my family.

Given some of the comments, I preface this by saying that I love my parents and try my best to be a decent daughter. This isn’t particularly hard because they’re not overly interested in me or my children so I only see them 3-4 times a year. The challenge is that they are both emotionally immature, small minded, live small lives and hold some very narrow views. They lack education and experience. I’ve worked hard all my life to be different. It’s not easy when you don’t fit your family. I did for a long time feel angry and ashamed of them but I’ve accepted things are the way they are and just make the best of it. My main aim now is to be better for my own children, that is the only thing I can control.

Yep - it's puzzling how a small army will pop up to suggest undiagnosed this or that acronym, often in an effort to avoid the more obvious diagnosis of "not very bright".

The average IQ is 100. That is not terribly bright in itself - it represents roughly the reading and arithmetic abilities of an 11 year old.

Because it's an average, fully half the population has an IQ of 100 or less. You haven't got a learning difficulty if your IQ's over 70, and it's not a disability unless you're unable to manage simple tasks and everyday communication.

I came to terms with this years ago, by recognising that you just have to deal with people where they're at. Wrt to your question, @lancia24, my mum is bright - or was, until she had a couple of strokes - but has a kind of deep-seated naivety. Sometimes we've had to watch her make obviously poor decisions, because it's her life and she's strong-willed!

Yes you are right it’s horrible (and often dangerous) when one has parents who are lacking in common sense/critical thinking or just not intelligent.