Cognitive dissonance re. parents' lack of intelligence making me truly miserable

[lancia24]

My parents are in their seventies but this is not an age-related issue, they've always been the same.

I've come to realise that 24/7 my whole life I've been psychologically bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to not to acknowledge just how airheaded my parents are.

I know it sounds cruel, but the evidence is simply overwhelming, and it's caused real problems.

Examples my seem trivial but this is hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, year by year...:

My eight year-old niece visits DM/DP & wants to go to a Disney Store. DM/her grandmother insists there's one in the nearest town. Swears blind. Literally refuses to check online and insists 'nicely' nobody else needs to. Family trip to town, no Disney store, devastated (and confused) niece, and no apology (just a lot of 'well I could have sworn' etc.).

Problem with mice. They have bird feeders too close to the front door. The birds drop food, which attracts the mice, who end up venturing into the house. Takes literally years to persuade them of this. Finally, after bird feeders have been gone for a few months, no more mice. Their response? Put the bird feeders back out, because the mice have gone.

I could go on forever. It has always revealed itself when we've watched films/TV together too - they honestly don't pick up on any subtlety whatsoever, no emotional grey areas, no piognancy etc. If it's not white hats vs. black hats and the white hats win, they don't understand.

And yet when I was a child - as I'm sure all children are - they seem to have indoctrinated me with programming that makes it impossible to see that they are stupid. I seem cursed to entangle myself with trying to figure out why they do the hundreds of things they do, as in, why non-stupid people would do the things they do...

There must be people out there experiencing something similar, surely...? How do you deal with it?

@Ohnodontwantthiscrush it depends how bad they were and how much they impacted you. Also, this is a designated* *place to vent and unload about this exact issue. Nobody is saying that they are going to come round your house and have a good old moan and make you feel depressed. I am not grateful for the likely personality disorder and PTSD and insomnia my fuckwhit parents gave me.

I can understand why you stayed with him because if you had split up, he would have had the children alone for some of the time which was unsafe. You were better off staying with him at that point to keep them safe.

I wonder when your children adults will the weight be lifted off you with regards supervising him?

It’s reminding me of that lad in Harry Potter when he says his father didn’t find out his mother was a witch until after they got married, that was some shock!!

You must have loved him in the beginning?

Some people end up that way due to their own intelligence, and school.

You can't credit their parents.

But you know that, surely.

Being intellectual and being kind and compassionate; are not mutually exclusive.

Exactly. There’s a strong anti-intellectual strand in British culture, and I’m reminded of it every time there’s a thread about intelligence on here when people pipe up with largely imaginary anecdotes about Oxbridge academics/CERN researchers/someone they once met with a starred First who can’t tie their own shoelaces or make a sandwich. There is no correlation between academic intelligence, emotional intelligence and/or basic competence in life skills, just as there’s no correlation between intellect and compassion/kindness. People do seem awfully wedded to the idea that there’s some kind of inverse relationship between intelligence and basic ‘niceness’, though. Presumably out of some self-consoling desire to claim there are ‘more important things than intelligence’…

some self-consoling desire to claim there are ‘more important things than intelligence’…

Ooh, that's a good point, @Huldrafolk! There probably are. If forced to choose, I'd rather share my life with a considerate, practical and cheerful person of low intellect than a clever wanker. But that's a hierarchy of negatives: the best companions are considerate, practical, cheerful and have the inventive, problem-solving, analytical, forward-looking qualities associated with good brains.

There's always a thread ongoing here about conversational styles, where the majority reckon the right way to respond to an anecdote is with a somewhat similar anecdote of your own: A says they went to Crete; B replies that they went to Cyprus. Some people like to claim that this is because of ASD/ADHD; I don't think it is. I think it's just that B lacks the intellectual capacity to think about why Crete may be an appealing destination, or to differentiate between Greek islands.

Yet the strength of the human species is our ability to learn from each other, evaluate why one way would be better than another in a given situation, and to explore new possibilities together. You're right that Brits culturally devalue intelligence - the Romans were remarking on it 2,000 years ago and it's not changed much 😂 We aren't the only ones, of course, but can you imagine "Philosopher" being a stand-alone, highly respected profession on these islands, as it is in many other countries?!

Me too… my father in particular sigh*

It's much more important to be a nice person. Were your parents loving and supportive of you growing up op?

Being disorganised doesn't mean someone is unintelligent.

You do realise there are different types of intelligence right?

Sounds like you beed to grow up a bit to me.

So many of these posts remind me of my mother in law; her conversation is so limited to her circle of friends and family, and she is utterly self-referential. I was talking about our pet lizard with my children and nieces, and she piped up about a robin that occasionally visits her garden as if it were somehow comparable.

She once ordered a starter in a restaurant that contained Parma ham…when it arrived, she looked blankly around and asked “Where’s the melon?”. The description of the starter had made zero mention of melon, but because that was what she was usually accustomed to, she just could not comprehend its omission from her plate.

My MiL expects me to remember all the names of her friends, colleagues and tennis partners and expects me to give two shits about the minutiae of their lives. It's dizzying.

There must be stuff that you admire about your parents, every one has some good qualities. My mum drives me nuts whittering on telling me the same stories. But she loves me is kind to me is there for me

Sigh. Being ‘a nice person’ is completely unrelated to intelligence. You’re just as likely to be thick and unpleasant as you are to be clever and pleasant.

The mice thing made me laugh my parents have simular issues with bird feeders (and with loseing all powers of intellect when ever I open my mouth they both worked as computer programers for decades both have masters degrees in divintity of all things) execept they live in the rocky mountains so they get mice at their bird feeder sure but also, black bears

Zombie thread someone who thinks their parents are stupid

are you trying to suggest that’s ironic? If so, posting on an old thread doesn’t make one stupid.

That’s so lovely Bromelain 💛

I went to school with a girl who had mild learning difficulties. She was really kind too. Just would get upset really easily, always seemed a bit mire immature than everyone else and wasn’t very academic.
Had her first child quite young, then ended up having another one and getting married. They seem happy. Her eldest seems like a really bright young woman and her mum seems so proud of her.

People can be so intolerant and vitriolic on here. It’s horrible.
If you had loving parents who have had their struggles in life, maybe think about how much they have given to you and how much they love you, instead of how stupid you think they are?

It’s called emotional intelligence.

No I’m saying this is a zombie thread started by someone who thinks their parents are stupid