Heartbroken. I left the love of my life.

[yewtreetheboneless]

Yesterday I left my husband of 5 years. He was a family friend and I knew him my entire life, he was the love of my life. After our first child was born we slowly started to drift apart. More and more arguing, less and less affection. Not on my part mind you, I always made sure we kissed and hugged every day and wouldn't go to sleep unless I said "i love you" our daughter is 3 and has recently been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This has been extremely difficult on both of us, we also have a 4 month old ds. We were on a small break away for the weekend and upon arriving at our hotel we got into an argument about sleeping arrangements with the dc. He proceeded to punch he very hard in the shoulder when my back was turned. I obviously packed our things and left. I'm back home with the dc and husband is still at the hotel. I cannot tolerate abusers and in all our lives I never imagined he would do such a thing. I know my marriage now can't be repaired and im absolutely devastated. I don't have any family or friends who live near me and do go out much. I feel so horribly alone and heartbroken.

Oh I’m so sorry! Leaving is absolutely the right thing to do, but I can only imagine your hurt right now. Sending a virtual hug and lots of strength. You’ve got this.

Sorry to hear this. You were right to leave. Could you reach out to family or friends even if they're not very close? It might make you feel better to speak on the phone. Take care, and keep posting, MN is very supportive.

Any type of abuse should NEVER be tolerated in a relationship, end of. BUT there is a big difference between tolerating/excusing abuse and seeking help/meditation/counselling to see if your marriage can be saved...if you both still love each other. Is he willing to seek support?.Are you willing to entertain a second chance if he does all the right things? You write as though the last few years have been quite tough, with limited communication on both sides. Plus a health diagnosis on a young child, you're both under incredible stress and pressure. NO excuse for his behaviour but possibly an opportunity for support and/or counselling??

She has already says she's left him because he punched her @CrunchingNumbers ! And you've said abuse should never be tolerated. Strange advice.

That is terrible advice.

This man has assaulted OP by punching her, hard. The relationship cannot be fixed and if OP stays with him it WILL happen again.

You've done the right thing, OP. Sending you strength.

He punched her! Don't be advising domestic abuse victims to get marriage counselling with their abusers. Jesus Christ.

Don't be ridiculous. Are you suggesting hat nobody can ever make a mistake/bad choice, examine themselves and learn from past actions?? Behaviour can very much be corrected if a person is willing to take responsibility for their actions and seek appropriate support and counselling and work continuously to be a better person. You cannot 100% say it WILL happen again, just like you cannot say it will 100% NOT happen again. Life does not come with such guarantees.

I didn't advise her to get counselling WITH him, I was asking if he was willing to get counselling for his behaviour, face his actions , learn and become a better person.

Well for starters no counsellor worth their salt would offer counselling or mediation where there has been violence.

On MN there must be hundreds of women who can testify to the fact that once their partner hits them once, the behaviour continues and escalates. Those “lucky” few who were only assaulted once are usually the ones who were able to walk away the first time. The number of men who only hit their partner once, where that partner then stays in the relationship, is vanishingly small.

Aside from that, OP has two young children who presumably witnessed this incident in the hotel room. It would be less than ideal parenting, of the type that would certainly interest social services, to remain in a relationship that puts the children at risk of witnessing further abuse.

I have never seen someone advise an OP to even consider remaining in a violent relationship. There’s a reason for that.

Don't be ridiculous. Are you suggesting hat nobody can ever make a mistake/bad choice, examine themselves and learn from past actions?? Behaviour can very much be corrected if a person is willing to take responsibility for their actions and seek appropriate support and counselling and work continuously to be a better person. You cannot 100% say it WILL happen again, just like you cannot say it will 100% NOT happen again. Life does not come with such guarantees.

Statistically it is likely to happen again. If OP stays this time then it will be harder to leave next time. This is not a risk you want to be taking when there are two children involved.

Plenty of people undergo stressful circumstances in marriage but most manage to refrain from punching their partner in front of two young children.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviour that almost always gets worse and very rarely do abusers change and stop being abusive. There is a reason you got the response you got because anyone who knows about domestic abuse knows you're talking shit.

You had no choice
You did the only logical right thing to do
I'm so sorry you are in this situation

There IS work available for domestic abusers but it's rarely successful in terms of actually helping abusers change and become non abusive.

Someone might be projecting a little I think...

Oh go away @CrunchingNumbers you’re talking shit, boring the tits off everyone and derailing the ops thread.
Op is there anyone nearby who can support you? Have you spoken to him since? Is he planning on staying at the hotel?

Agreed...but LIKELY is not WILL as PP suggested. Saying OPs H should be denied counselling "because no counsellor worth their salt" would take him on where has been violence is juvenile. I didn't suggest they went together, I just asked whether he was willing to seek counselling for his actions. He still has to be a parent in this situation, whether or not he remains a husband.

Please don’t listen to Crunchingnumbers. Some of the worst advice I have seen on Mumsnet ever there. Wow.

So sorry, OP. How awful this must have been for you.

No Counsellor worth their salt would offer counselling or mediation to a couple where there has been violence. That is absolutely correct. At no point have I suggested that the abuser in question is not free to seek his own. But as you’ve suggested mediation, which by definition involves both parties, what I said was correct.

I work in this area. I have dealt with more suspects and victims of DV than you could imagine. I am perfectly qualified to tell you that men like this do not change. Pretending they do is very naive.

Agreed...but LIKELY is not WILL as PP suggested. Saying OPs H should be denied counselling "because no counsellor worth their salt" would take him on where has been violence is juvenile. I didn't suggest they went together, I just asked whether he was willing to seek counselling for his actions. He still has to be a parent in this situation, whether or not he remains a husband.

PP is clearly referring to joint counselling/mediation which obviously involves both parties.

With regards to him remaining a parent I would encourage OP to report this domestic violence incident to the police so it is on record in case of any child custody disputes or concerns.

Any desire for counselling has to come from the abuser though. Her husband is showing no signs of wanting to change himself. She has two little children to keep safe as well as herself.

He fucking punched her!!!!