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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Heartbroken. I left the love of my life.

102 replies

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 15:16

Yesterday I left my husband of 5 years. He was a family friend and I knew him my entire life, he was the love of my life. After our first child was born we slowly started to drift apart. More and more arguing, less and less affection. Not on my part mind you, I always made sure we kissed and hugged every day and wouldn't go to sleep unless I said "i love you" our daughter is 3 and has recently been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This has been extremely difficult on both of us, we also have a 4 month old ds. We were on a small break away for the weekend and upon arriving at our hotel we got into an argument about sleeping arrangements with the dc. He proceeded to punch he very hard in the shoulder when my back was turned. I obviously packed our things and left. I'm back home with the dc and husband is still at the hotel. I cannot tolerate abusers and in all our lives I never imagined he would do such a thing. I know my marriage now can't be repaired and im absolutely devastated. I don't have any family or friends who live near me and do go out much. I feel so horribly alone and heartbroken.

OP posts:
FairyGhost · 27/04/2024 19:53

Omg wtf is wrong with at least 3 ppl
on here suggesting to have counselling/ give another chance / minimising the extent of this ?

OP this is serious , he put his hands on you. Definitely you done the right decision. You deserve better ❤️

FairyGhost · 27/04/2024 19:58

theworldie · 27/04/2024 19:52

I have reported the dangerous DV apologists on this thread. Unbelievable.

well done !
i never read a thread like this so far . Normally everyone is very sympathetic and all advise is 100% to leave the abuser and protect DC

RedBananas12 · 27/04/2024 20:01

CrunchingNumbers · 27/04/2024 15:29

Any type of abuse should NEVER be tolerated in a relationship, end of. BUT there is a big difference between tolerating/excusing abuse and seeking help/meditation/counselling to see if your marriage can be saved...if you both still love each other. Is he willing to seek support?.Are you willing to entertain a second chance if he does all the right things? You write as though the last few years have been quite tough, with limited communication on both sides. Plus a health diagnosis on a young child, you're both under incredible stress and pressure. NO excuse for his behaviour but possibly an opportunity for support and/or counselling??

I've heard some shit advice on here over the years, but this takes the crown of fucking ridiculous advice.

Well done for leaving OP. Wishing you all the best.

DuckyShincracker · 27/04/2024 20:06

I get you are both under massive strain because a 4 month old and a 3 year old type one is off the scales for stress. That said your problems started when your eldest was born. Abusers often start kicking off at this point. I'm wondering if he emotionally withdrew from you as a form of control in the beginning? I think if you did the freedom program your view on his past behaviour may become clearer. I think it would be an idea to contact women's aid as his actions now he's lost control of you could be unpredictable. Stay safe.

Houseinawood · 27/04/2024 20:09

Speaking from experience you must go to a police station report it and him and get photos etc you must without this it is your word against him in court. You must do it. I’m so sorry.

momager1 · 27/04/2024 20:09

@yewtreetheboneless Well done for doing the best thing and removing yourself from the situation. My heart goes out to you. I have unfortunately got the experience of DV, and believe me, if you forgive him IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN and maybe worse.

I am not shouting at you here but I need to capitalize for you.. HE IS NOT "THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE" the love of your life would never hurt you and he is still out there. You may meet him a year from now, ,,maybe ten years from now. This man is NOT HIM.

After a 10 year marriage I finally got the nerve to leave . I had a 7 year old daughter. Took her and ran for my life (literally) I married him when I was only 20 years old. Seven years later I met the real love of my life. Married 20 years now and yes we have the occasional spat , usually because of me and my hot head lol, but he has never made me feel unsafe. THAT is waiting for you out there somewhere. Do not deny yourself the right to have a happy life. I truly wish the best for you. Stay STRONG

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 20:37

momager1 · 27/04/2024 20:09

@yewtreetheboneless Well done for doing the best thing and removing yourself from the situation. My heart goes out to you. I have unfortunately got the experience of DV, and believe me, if you forgive him IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN and maybe worse.

I am not shouting at you here but I need to capitalize for you.. HE IS NOT "THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE" the love of your life would never hurt you and he is still out there. You may meet him a year from now, ,,maybe ten years from now. This man is NOT HIM.

After a 10 year marriage I finally got the nerve to leave . I had a 7 year old daughter. Took her and ran for my life (literally) I married him when I was only 20 years old. Seven years later I met the real love of my life. Married 20 years now and yes we have the occasional spat , usually because of me and my hot head lol, but he has never made me feel unsafe. THAT is waiting for you out there somewhere. Do not deny yourself the right to have a happy life. I truly wish the best for you. Stay STRONG

Thank you. This comment has made me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 27/04/2024 20:37

Make sure that you report to the police.

Tell him not to come home. Your safety is at risk.

momager1 · 27/04/2024 21:08

@yewtreetheboneless I have a very similar start to my story as yours. I am not going to post it all on here as it is a lifetime ago and I am not sure if my daughter or daughter in law are on this site. If you would like to PM me..feel free. I will not PM you first as I know how overwhelmed I was at first and felt like I could not deal with anything. Anyway... I will tell you that mine started the same..I forgave and it got much much worse. If you want an ear to bend.. I am on PM. PS.. my name is Lynn

HydrangeaPower · 27/04/2024 22:12

I'm not an expert in DV but even I know that there has to be absolutely no tolerance of it in a relationship. That OP has done exactly the right thing in leaving. A taboo has been broken and the violence will only escalate if the relationship does not end.
I'm absolutely amazed at some of the posts on this thread that are saying that OP should contemplate giving a second chance. Unbelievable stuff when everyone should be rallying round OP .

Tbry24 · 27/04/2024 22:15

Well done for leaving and making sure you and your children are safe. You have done the hardest part. I suffered DV for many years it only ever gets much much worse and I had to eventually run to save my life and my child’s and with court interventions we had to rebuild a whole new life elsewhere.

He is NOT the love of your life, the love of your life will treat you with kindness and respect and never hurt you. You will meet him at some point you will just have to wait to find out when.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/04/2024 22:18

Sorry you're going through this op but you are doing the right thing.

Punching you in the shoulder from behind is cowardly and vicious.

Noseybookworm · 27/04/2024 22:20

CrunchingNumbers · 27/04/2024 15:39

Don't be ridiculous. Are you suggesting hat nobody can ever make a mistake/bad choice, examine themselves and learn from past actions?? Behaviour can very much be corrected if a person is willing to take responsibility for their actions and seek appropriate support and counselling and work continuously to be a better person. You cannot 100% say it WILL happen again, just like you cannot say it will 100% NOT happen again. Life does not come with such guarantees.

Punching your wife isn't a 'mistake/bad choice' 🙄 your advice to try and 'save the marriage' is dangerous and frankly ridiculous. If a man punches you, you leave and don't look back, end of.

ImaniMumsnet · 27/04/2024 22:24

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Noseybookworm · 27/04/2024 22:31

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You did the right thing by leaving immediately. I'm concerned for your safety going forward when he returns to the house. Are you able to call your parents, I'm sure they would want to come and be with you right now. They can contact your partner and make it clear that he needs to leave the family home. They can pack his stuff and take it to him. Take photographs of any bruising and please consider reporting to the police. They can advise you about keeping him away from you. Also, you will need legal advice. It would be good to have a family member or friend to support you in the next few weeks. Please reach out to them. You are being incredibly brave, look after yourself 💐

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 23:08

Update: he returned home this evening and when I calmly asked him to leave he broke the door in the living room and several of my expensive ornaments. I have had to have him removed by the police. I'm shaking so much right now

OP posts:
Babaero · 27/04/2024 23:13

If it was just arguing and not getting on I’d say it’s worth trying to save because having young kids is stressful for any marriage. I couldn’t stay with somebody who punched me.

Guavafish1 · 27/04/2024 23:14

I'm so glad you contacted the police. He is out of control and disgusting.

You are not at fault and its all on him.

Take care of yourself and your babies

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 23:16

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 23:08

Update: he returned home this evening and when I calmly asked him to leave he broke the door in the living room and several of my expensive ornaments. I have had to have him removed by the police. I'm shaking so much right now

Oh my goodness.

You've done the right thing.

I presume he won't be allowed home tonight?

Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2024 23:21

Odd how abusive men usually break your stuff in 'anger' isn't it :/ it's never THEIR playstation.

Based on your update I'd pursue this as far as possible with the police. For the assault and for breaking your things. I'd also be looking into a restraining order.

Very telling that he clearly wasn't sorry he hurt you before. Just angry it didn't get you to fall in line. And perfectly happy to try another intimidation tactic.

Mere1 · 27/04/2024 23:21

I am so very sorry to hear this. You will find the strength to continue for your own safety and that of your children. Family and friends will support you, as will outside agencies.
You must be devastated.

WhiskersPete · 27/04/2024 23:33

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 23:08

Update: he returned home this evening and when I calmly asked him to leave he broke the door in the living room and several of my expensive ornaments. I have had to have him removed by the police. I'm shaking so much right now

Well I hope the domestic violence apologists are happy now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. Protect your children and stay strong.

Noseybookworm · 27/04/2024 23:35

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 23:08

Update: he returned home this evening and when I calmly asked him to leave he broke the door in the living room and several of my expensive ornaments. I have had to have him removed by the police. I'm shaking so much right now

Oh love 😢 how awful for you, I'm not surprised you feel shaky. You did the right thing calling police and I'm so glad they removed him. Have they given advice about next steps and how to protect you going forward? Is there anyone who will come and stay with you?

WoodBurningStov · 27/04/2024 23:36

Well done op. The only acceptable level of violence is none.

My exdh never returned home again after his first and last physically violent episode. It wasn't easy, because people would tell me it was because of his mental health state, it was only once, was it really that bad etc etc, but I can hold my head up high and know I did the right thing by me and my 2 daughters.

FairyGhost · 27/04/2024 23:52

yewtreetheboneless · 27/04/2024 23:08

Update: he returned home this evening and when I calmly asked him to leave he broke the door in the living room and several of my expensive ornaments. I have had to have him removed by the police. I'm shaking so much right now

Oh god , when people
show you who they are - believe them . I expect now police will help
you with non molestation order and social services will put conditions on him seeing kids

He wasn't even sorry or pretending to be , after already assaulting you !

He is a dangerous bully and i hope you will get safety measures put in place now .

Hope everyone who was making excuses for DV in this thread will think twice in the future

I'm so sorry this happened to you Op - it will get better ❤️‍🩹 x

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