Heartbroken. I left the love of my life.

[yewtreetheboneless]

Yesterday I left my husband of 5 years. He was a family friend and I knew him my entire life, he was the love of my life. After our first child was born we slowly started to drift apart. More and more arguing, less and less affection. Not on my part mind you, I always made sure we kissed and hugged every day and wouldn't go to sleep unless I said "i love you" our daughter is 3 and has recently been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This has been extremely difficult on both of us, we also have a 4 month old ds. We were on a small break away for the weekend and upon arriving at our hotel we got into an argument about sleeping arrangements with the dc. He proceeded to punch he very hard in the shoulder when my back was turned. I obviously packed our things and left. I'm back home with the dc and husband is still at the hotel. I cannot tolerate abusers and in all our lives I never imagined he would do such a thing. I know my marriage now can't be repaired and im absolutely devastated. I don't have any family or friends who live near me and do go out much. I feel so horribly alone and heartbroken.

I'm so sorry he's done this op - you've done the bravest thing in leaving him. Is there anyone else you can confide in in RL? you'll need some support to stay strong.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
please tell family/ friends - they will want to help
please report to the police - you don't know how this is going to unfold from here, you don't have to prosecute but you do want this on record
women's aid might be worth speaking too

life will get better again in time

I'm sorry this happened. It's not your fault.

You have absolutely done the right thing by leaving. The risk to you and your children us too high.

Of course, it's heartbreaking to discover that someone you love is not the person you thought they were. While it's the right thing to do, you most be shocked, devastated and upset. Do you have any one who can support you or a trusted friend or sibling you can talk to?

He was the love of your life. Now hes turned it to shit. Dont go back or it will happen again. Move forwards

When this happened to my daughter, she phoned us. We are over an hour’s drive away and got to her as fast as we could. OH looked after the children and I looked after my daughter. We stayed overnight with her.

Well done on getting out!

And i hope he does get councilling. But whether he does or doesn't should have fuck all impact on the status of the relationship.

Putting your hands on someone, especially a man punching a woman...game over. Done.

Horrified at the stuff we read here sometimes. 'A girlfriend bit me on the nose and we just moved on'. Ehhhhhh!?!

Please ignore Crunchingnumbers. It's the most idiotic and inaccurate advice I have ever encountered on mumsnet.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it must be for that to have happened at all, and realizing he is not the person you thought him to be. The next little bit will be hard, of course, but you are so brave and strong for drawing that line in the sand for yourself and your children and ending the relationship. You have 100% done the right thing.

FFS stop minimising! This is highly dangerous advice.

Violence of any sort is not acceptable. Even worse, it took place.in front of their children.

Has your DH ever done anything like this before OP? Is this out of character for him?

I will be honest I don't know if you should take him back. For me it would depend on how he reacted after the situation. You have 2 DC and its really tough being a single mum!

So sad for you op (you did the totally right thing : if he does this once he will hit harder the next time)

but you still have to grieve the loss of the father of your children and someone you love.. I get that but stay strong 💪

This is a shocking thread. The OP has described serious physical assault & there is more than one poster minimising her husband's punching of her & advocating she consider staying with him. Every scrap of professional experience in this field would say the opposite.

I'm not on here often enough to know how to alert Mumsnet to the whole thread (as opposed to reporting individual posts) but they need to be made aware of this so it cannot stand as it is. OP needs support & validation of her strong & correct action of leaving this man & securing the safety of her young children. It's exactly what any professional involved would advise. In fact, if social services were involved it would potentially be a condition of her keeping her children, as she would need to prove she could safeguard them from this abusive male.

I'm apalled at people even mentioning the fact that she'll be a single mother, as if that's a worse fate for her & her children than staying with a man who punches her. Dear god.

My mother stayed with such a man & we're only just starting to work through it 40 years later. The damage is immense. I wish my mother had acted like the OP. I really hoped things had moved on since I was the age of her children. Sadly not in some quarters it seems.

@yewtreetheboneless You've absolutely done the right thing. Take it from someone who was in your children's shoes. Stay strong. Sending much support.

If more people left the first time this happened, there would be fewer deaths and many less children in care. The amount of misery avoided would be unquantifiable.

OP, please ignore anyone saying that you can get past this to try to save the relationship and go with your gut, as you have so far.

A mistake is putting out of date milk in your tea.
Assault is punching your partner.

OP leave this man permanently and ignore these apologists.

I am so sorry OP that this has happened and turned your world upside down. You must be in pieces with grief. Please call someone. If I was your friend and I was hours away, I would come if I could or stay on the phone with you all night if I couldn’t.
You 100% have done the right thing leaving. Please, PLEASE, don’t listen to the posters telling you to take him back as long as he says sorry. Words are easy. Try to keep communication with him to a minimum and only about the dc.
And the PP who says being a single parent is hard is right, but being married to someone who hits you is harder.
I wish I had had your strength the first time my XH didn’t take no for an answer. I learned to just let him get on with it. Until that time I didn’t let him and he carried on anyway.
He apologised the next day too.
I didn't leave because it had become so normal it never occurred to me.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

**I agree with you. We all make mistakes in life.

I have made plenty and generally learn from them and don’t repeat them.

not condoning the action at all but I know a couple where he did punch her in the face. Had counselling and 5 years on they are happy together and no such incidents since.

I had a girlfriend bite my nose once in an argument. Just considered it an argument as it was a one off.**

The more I think about this post the more it pisses me off. This is supposed to be safe space for women to get support and advice on issues like domestic abuse - usually suffered at the hands of a man.

And along comes a man who knows fuck all about what it's like to be a woman to say that it's fine as it's a one off. Seriously just fuck off and don't come back.

And definitely report the incident to the police. If only to get it on record.

You have done the right thing, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

I'm sorry OP.

I second this, mostly for any future custody issues that may arise. I know that may sound a bit preemptive but divorces can get ugly and often it's the children that get dragged into the battle.

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. However know that you have done the right thing, and you are incredibly strong to have done so!

Not condoning the action but is it a one off?
Me and DH been together 20 years. 8 years ago he made me absolutely loose it and I flew at him and hit him 3 times hard, I wasn’t hurting him at all, as his big and strong and I’m weaker than the average women, but it wasn’t through lack of trying.
Every thing went red and I have never felt such rage. Afterwards though I obviously felt terrible, we’re not an argumentative couple and neither of us has a violent bone in our bodies but I made a mistake, couldn’t control myself. The anger was all consuming.
Never done it again. That was years ago too. People make mistakes. You know your DH best though, so go with gut instinct.

Agreed

not condoning the action at all but I know a couple where he did punch her in the face. Had counselling and 5 years on they are happy together and no such incidents since.

NOBODY knows what goes in a relationship except those two people. He could be abusing her all the time and you wouldn’t necessarily know anything about it.

Please piss off with your unwanted and dangerous a divorce you silly man.

Op - so glad you have left. You will go through a whole gamut of emotions now and for a while to come. He will likely beg forgiveness and promise never to do it again but once a man has been physically abusive it’s highly likely they will do so again - and you will always be on tenterhooks waiting for the next punch.

Protect yourself and your dcs from this dangerous arsehole.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs - I hope you manage to get away and get all the support you need. It isn’t ok for anyone to ever lay their hands on anyone in anger - no excuses xx

** advice not divorce🙄

You must be devastated. Domestic violence should never be tolerated. Well done for acting to keep you and your children safe. You acted completely correctly. If you’re not with him he can’t punch you anymore.

I didn’t leave after punch one, more fool me. I wasted a lot of time trying to make everything work, and the abuse just escalated.

Can you call a friend or family member to give you and your children some support?

edited for spelling

I have reported the dangerous DV apologists on this thread. Unbelievable.