Can someone please explain this..

[namechangedforconfusion]

I've had to name change for this one.

I've been seeing a guy and so far going really well. He's a bit older, both have kids of our own, so feels like it's leading into a healthy mature relationship.

I've already stayed over at his a couple of times and we've dtd.

We've had the conversation about what we're into in the bedroom, and he's mentioned he enjoys being dominant and rough. This was fine with me (tbh don't think I fully understood what he meant).

We're planning on meeting this weekend, and he's asked me what toys I have so I could bring them. I must be extremely vanilla because he's mentioned he has 'a sex bench, ankle spreaders, restraints, butt plugs and few other things.'

This is NOT me. Sorry, not into it at all. I can get on board with the Dom thing and rough sex, but this is a bit too much. I feel judgy, but I think I've clearly left him with the impression I was a lot more adventurous than I clearly am and clearly misunderstood what he meant. I prob should have asked for more info first time he mentioned it.

Whyyyyy are men into this? I genuinely wanna know.
Where does the enjoyment come from?

Whyyyyy are men into this?

Plenty of women also are.

You need to communicate better.

I have no idea, but please don’t go.

This sounds exactly like a man I was seeing 😂 wonder if it's the same man!
Did he mention gag and ball by any chance?

If that’s his thing then he needs to specifically seek out someone who is also into what he likes. That’s clearly not you and I’d feel a bit misled tbh.

I guess the key is fully understanding what your respective definitions of "rough sex" is. It seems his is strapping you down and ramming a range of objects into every orifice. If your definition is a playful smack on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly then you will probably not be compatible.

@WalkingThroughTreacle “If your definition is a playful smack on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly then you will probably not be compatible”

I actually lol’Ed at this 😂

You've obviously misunderstood what he meant by rough sex. Maybe he should of been clearer - maybe you should of asked some specifics.
Either way - you now know (or have a good idea) what level he is wanting - so if that's not your thing - fine - but you need to tell him its not our thing right away. Don't wait until you meet up. Tell him immediately you're not interested in sex bench, ankle spreaders, restraints, butt plugs and go your separate ways.

Partial credit to the gloriously funny Victoria Wood.

Haha, in my experience it's generally women who are much more into the bondage stuff than men!

I'd just be honest with him. Tell him that he's got the wrong end of the stick, and that you're not into any of that stuff. That you're happy to continue to see him as long as he can put that aside, if not then you're obviously not compatible.

And then, if you do end up meeting again then have a proper conversation about what you're both into and not. Hopefully he respects your boundaries, but if he starts pushing for more then ditch him sharpish!

@WalkingThroughTreacle that was absolutely amazing. I had no idea she could play the piano and sing like that. I am sharing this with my family who has gone. Absolutely love it thanks!!

Oh dear. Not yet! Wouldn't be surprised at all if he brings it up.

He is clearly already quite invested in his kink so he will not go back to the more normal range of intimacy. Unless you are up for trying S&M, you should move on.

Oh yes - that was a masterpiece. I loved it when I first saw it, and it’s still great.

Unless you're properly into this - which it sounds like you're not - run for the hills!!

If you're not into it then tell him because it can go very wrong, very quickly and you'll both be left traumatised (if he's a decent man he will feel terrible about doing something you're not into). You absolutely must communicate.

If he tantrums, sulks and generally gets agro about you setting boundaries definitely run as he's not a dom, he's a skeevy chad who watches far too much dodgy porn and plays at being agressive because he's got a screw loose somewhere.

Yes, communication is key here. What was the sex you actually had with him like? Did you enjoy it? And what did you actually say when he told you about his sex bench and other accessories -- surely you didn't say 'Oh, lovely jubbly, I'll bring my ball gag!'?

What is mean to say is, is he still labouring under the delusion that you're dying to try his sex dungeon, and, if so, why?

I'm not sure there is anything to explain. Horses for courses

He sounds a bit full on, most normal people who enjoy S&M will have a talk about boundaries, work up to things like ankle spreaders etc. it's about communication and it sounds to me like you guys haven't communicated very well which makes it all sound like a terrible idea!

If you want to carry on then tell him what your limits are, get a safeword and have fun

What’s a sex bench? (Sorry)

It was normal sex, I did enjoy it. Absolutely no talk of those things at that time.
Everything he's mentioned about his interests have just been in the past week and on text message. So he's not seen my jaw drop.

I think if that's what he's into, that's all fine but something for him to do with someone who's into that. That's honestly never going to be me. I don't even feel turned on by the thought of it and don't quite understand the enjoyment of it.
I don't even know how to word it in a text message!

Yes, communication is lacking. I can't work out from your comment if you want to be with him or not - on one hand you're saying "I can get on board with the Dom thing and rough sex", on the other your tone makes it sound like you don't like it after all. Do you want to stay with him? You've only been to his a couple of times, which would be early for me to say that it was "leading into a healthy mature relationship".

Ooft, fucken run before you end up in his basement sex dungeon.

Imagine telling someone a few shags in that you 'like it rough'. Fucking rapey vibes much!

I like dirty talk but no way am in introducing that for the first 20 sex sessions with a new partner.

Trust has to be built before anything kinky is proposed.

He's trying to skip that stage and bulldoze boundaries.

Ruuuun!

Well at least he gave you warning and you werent at his house andit was sprung on you.
I don't think I'd ever want to use 'used' equipment either even if I was into those things.

Just ping him back a reply saying you really enjoyed spending time with him but you think you've had some crossed wires and the two of you aren't compatible as you do not want to try those things if that's the case.

This made me laugh 😂

Are you going to go?