Can someone please explain this..

[namechangedforconfusion]

I've had to name change for this one.

I've been seeing a guy and so far going really well. He's a bit older, both have kids of our own, so feels like it's leading into a healthy mature relationship.

I've already stayed over at his a couple of times and we've dtd.

We've had the conversation about what we're into in the bedroom, and he's mentioned he enjoys being dominant and rough. This was fine with me (tbh don't think I fully understood what he meant).

We're planning on meeting this weekend, and he's asked me what toys I have so I could bring them. I must be extremely vanilla because he's mentioned he has 'a sex bench, ankle spreaders, restraints, butt plugs and few other things.'

This is NOT me. Sorry, not into it at all. I can get on board with the Dom thing and rough sex, but this is a bit too much. I feel judgy, but I think I've clearly left him with the impression I was a lot more adventurous than I clearly am and clearly misunderstood what he meant. I prob should have asked for more info first time he mentioned it.

Whyyyyy are men into this? I genuinely wanna know.
Where does the enjoyment come from?

Him: What toys do you have?

You: I've got lots, I'd love to play with them together....

Him: Oh yeah, you tease [ or something equally sleazy and horrid]

You: Uh huh. We'll have lots of fun. I'll bring my favourites. I'll bring my Sylvanian families canal boat, my Playmobil castle, and my big yellow teapot. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

I agree with others, you need to make it clear that that is not for you. If you want to keep seeing him you could discuss boundaries and what you are interested in exploring but make it very clear this is at your own pace. Alternatively you decide that you’re not compatible and end things.

No! I can't because id be wasting his time. My issue is if thats what he's into I'm certainly not going to deprive him of his kinks, he needs someone else for that.
It's just a shame because taking that out, everything else was great, amazing dates, family values, thought we were very compatible on everything else.

His old is he @namechangedforconfusion ?

asking for a friend … 👀

My version of rough sex is not at all what he's into. To me his is extreme rough.

@WalkingThroughTreacle oh my gosh, she was incredible! I love this song and it cheers me no end to watch it!

Oh well, shame, but that's often the way things go. Better luck next time!

I met a guy and early on we planned a weekend away
he was divorcing but had a sexless marriage
he text to says he’s done a love honey order I’m thinking what?
the day it arrived he sent a picture of it all, remote control butt plug enormous pink rabbit and more laid out on his bed
I was shocked
he said if you don’t want to use it my mate Lee said he will with his partner!!
some men just want to live out fantasies and really early on 😂
I guess Lee had a good time 😂

43

Yeah the only think I want battered in a relationship is our Friday night take away.

(Don't)Fuck men who get off on hurting women.

Just say 'Look, I really enjoyed our dates, but what you've said since about your accessories makes me realise we have completely incompatible kinks, so I think we'd better leave it there.'

@WalkingThroughTreacle I'd forgotten how funny that Victoria Wood song was! Brought back memories, she was fab

Agree with this. Even if he says he can forgo that stuff, it won't be long before he's trying to coerce you into 'just trying it'.

I really disagree with the framing here. Being into stuffing shit up women's arses whilst they are tied up is not being ' adventurous'. Not liking shit stuffed up your arse whilst you are tied up is in no way ' vanilla'.

Liking sex based on mutuality and that beautiful blend of emotional and sexual intimacy and giving and receiving of pleasure is its fucking awesome. Vanilla it ain't,.

Framing sex that replicates abusing women as 'adventurous' whilst sex that is based on mutual respect and pleasure as 'vanilla' is effectively coercive language to pressure women into doing stuff that don't want to.

I would tread carefully and if ye aren't together long then possibly break up. Some guys have dodgy views on single mom's.. might all be innocent but might not either. Do you know for sure why he broke up with his ex? Sounds a bit OTT when ye'r both raising kids too. Sounds ye have enough to be sorting out in building a stable relationship 🤔

Here's the reference. You'll like this too.

Well fucking said.

Don't get involved with men who tell
You openly that they like being rough with women in bed.

Good of him to give you a warning though

If men are really into BDSM and sounds like he is.. then a partner who is not.. definitely isn't compatible.. sounds like he very much is and you won't ever be enough for him..
He hasn't got all that stuff for nothing. .
Your options are.. A say you don't think your compatible and don't see him again.
B Give it a go with restrictions ( Safe word to STOP)
C carry on seeing him and hope he can just have your idea of sex..( but honestly l really think he would push you for his fetishes).
I gave it a go in the past.. but the guy was always looking for his next " sexual high" and it was getting far to deeper into BDSM and Male domination/ sex slave.
Too much for me to feel safe.

@binaryfinery spot on.

Bin him off.

He needs to be finding his dates on Fetlife (or similar) and actually discussing his preferences and expectations beforehand with women who are actually interested in that.

Sends off massive red flags that he's just throwing it out there without properly discussing how to play safely and finding out what you actually like.

Just reply saying thanks for telling you about his preferences, but you're not into that sort of thing in the same way, so perhaps it's best if you don't see one another after all.

Well said @binaryfinery

extreme rough sex sounds vile OP
I find it strange he texted you about his sex bench (whatever that is) etc that’s what should come up in face to face communication no?

Well, it's far better he's said it before she's at his house staring at his sex bench, at least. 😅

Yes, nothing 'vanilla' about being particular which orifices you use for sex.

(Although that metaphor doesn't really work, ever, does it? If 'vanilla' is 'tragic, boring, predictable missionary with the lights off', is sex-bench anal with a ball-gag 'chocolate'? (Ugh.) )