Can someone please explain this..

[namechangedforconfusion]

I've had to name change for this one.

I've been seeing a guy and so far going really well. He's a bit older, both have kids of our own, so feels like it's leading into a healthy mature relationship.

I've already stayed over at his a couple of times and we've dtd.

We've had the conversation about what we're into in the bedroom, and he's mentioned he enjoys being dominant and rough. This was fine with me (tbh don't think I fully understood what he meant).

We're planning on meeting this weekend, and he's asked me what toys I have so I could bring them. I must be extremely vanilla because he's mentioned he has 'a sex bench, ankle spreaders, restraints, butt plugs and few other things.'

This is NOT me. Sorry, not into it at all. I can get on board with the Dom thing and rough sex, but this is a bit too much. I feel judgy, but I think I've clearly left him with the impression I was a lot more adventurous than I clearly am and clearly misunderstood what he meant. I prob should have asked for more info first time he mentioned it.

Whyyyyy are men into this? I genuinely wanna know.
Where does the enjoyment come from?

porn. it comes from porn. and degrading violent porn probably, by the sounds of it

Sorry OP but a lot of men do this and regularly think everyone knows what they are on about (too much porn consumption and they don't realise women aren't as into that as they are). My friend had an experience where she ended up at his and there was actually a sex dungeon. And he called it that too! She confessed there was a period of time before she made her excuses she wondered if she was going to be on the news and if she should tell the police. Ten years ago that feels like it would have been the normal response and I would have felt the same!

Do not go

Victoria Wood’s dd is an opera singer. I know that’s irrelevant but it fascinated me.

@TheIceQween Victoria Wood was an incredibly talented pianist, lyricist and singer, as well as an actor. Her TV shows, Royal Variety performances etc of the 1980s/90s were full of her playing the piano and singing her own songs, largely all "kitchen sink" type settings. You're in for a treat if you've never seen them. I'm slightly envious!

This.

Its actually really sad that this kind of thing is just accepted as “normal” and that women are worried about being labelled as bland or boring if they’re not into it.

It brings back a lot of uncomfortable memories for me of being coerced into doing stuff I wasn’t really into when younger to keep my partner happy.

Talkingcabout bringing out his “toys” after a few dates that have been used on god knows how many other women is such a turn off - it’s insulting quite frankly. But the op is fretting that she’s the one who’s not daring enough or that she’ll offend him in some way. It would be perfectly understandable if she just told him to fuck off.

Lucky really that he’s told you early on op so you haven’t wasted too much time on him. He sounds like he wants a sex doll - not a partner.

Love that

MermaidEyes 🤣👍

YES! Thank you!!

Ya, even if someone was into that, you'd imagine it would be something you'd discuss with your partner before getting and not bringing up things that have probably been used with other women!!! It probably is from watching porn. I might have said that he could be just a bit immature and naive and think that you might be up for that but having a kid/s too, you'd hope he'd have learned something. Sounds suspect

Just send him.a text saying that you've read over his messages again and you don't think you can give him what he's looking for. Thanks. Bye. Block.

This. He's dangerous.

I'm a bit puzzled by this one... A man on a different thread who laughed at a Jimmy Carr-like 'beating an egg' joke was virtually unanimously called abusive, but a man who openly admits to it (in a sexual way) is receiving a fairly split 'horses for courses' sorts of responses.

I'd simply say it doesn't float your boat and you don't want to tie him to 'vanilla' sex if he's into more.

I also want to know what a sex bench and ankle spreaders are but not brave enough to google it !

He sounds like he wants a sex doll - not a partner.

I'd send him a message saying "I sent you something, have fun & goodbye" and post him the crappiest cheapest sex doll I could find.

I dunno what a sex bench is but ankle spreaders are rods with hand/ankle cuffs at both ends that your ankles get clipped into so they hold your legs apart and you can't close your legs.

That's a blast from the past

Yes message and say you appear to have different ideas as to what you were talking about and his suggestions aren't your thing and decline.

You need to be really firm about your boundaries. Sounds like you're not into it which is fine. He's possibly not for you.

Just be open and honest with him. Let him know that you've misunderstood what he meant and that's not what you're into.
Can't understand this whole rough sex thing myself, it does sound extreme!

I agree he did not communicate clearly. I do not have an issue with his toys or interests at all, but he should have been clearer with you. He should have mentioned BDSM as that is what he is into.

I couldn't have sex with a man who was turned on by hurting a woman.

Just say, "Oh that's not my kind of thing" and block him, OP.

Men who need to tie women down, degrade them and (with these kind of men, more often than not) hurt them to get sexual gratification are terrifying. And don't get me started about the concern that young women are doing all this stuff to seem cool and sexy.

Please op, message and tell him that you're not interested. Then block and delete.

Without in any way kink shaming anyone, this would give me the total ick. He's just rushed in with his laundry list of stuff he wants to do without any proper exploration of boundaries and preferences. It's deeply unsexy, whether you're into a smack on the bottom or the full ankle spreader treatment.

I think we should normalise kink shaming. people should be waaaay less comfortable