Can someone please explain this..

[namechangedforconfusion]

I've had to name change for this one.

I've been seeing a guy and so far going really well. He's a bit older, both have kids of our own, so feels like it's leading into a healthy mature relationship.

I've already stayed over at his a couple of times and we've dtd.

We've had the conversation about what we're into in the bedroom, and he's mentioned he enjoys being dominant and rough. This was fine with me (tbh don't think I fully understood what he meant).

We're planning on meeting this weekend, and he's asked me what toys I have so I could bring them. I must be extremely vanilla because he's mentioned he has 'a sex bench, ankle spreaders, restraints, butt plugs and few other things.'

This is NOT me. Sorry, not into it at all. I can get on board with the Dom thing and rough sex, but this is a bit too much. I feel judgy, but I think I've clearly left him with the impression I was a lot more adventurous than I clearly am and clearly misunderstood what he meant. I prob should have asked for more info first time he mentioned it.

Whyyyyy are men into this? I genuinely wanna know.
Where does the enjoyment come from?

God I'd run

😂

@binaryfinery 10000 times yes.

There was a post about weddings last week, and one MN
said she and her husband walked down the aisle to 'The Legend of Barry and Freda' Genius!

This 👏👏

@binaryfinery another supporting ‘yes’ from me. I hate the fact that women are being shamed/pressured into being more ‘adventurous’ in sex preferences. It’s coercive control.

Err no - surely the guy needs to be having the conversation about consent and safe words and permitted activity. Not "tell me your inventory".

Too many guys say they're Dom when they mean they're not responsible lovers and ignore boundaries.

If he already owns all that equipment, he’s never going to be satisfied with normal sex. Sadly, OP, there’s no future in this.

This. I would have thought before sleeping together this would have come up in conversation. I've always had boundaries chats before hand and then it went from there. Otherwise, consent may become blurry and unenthusiastic potentially. And, it then gets messy.

If you're not into it. That's absolutely, perfectly fine.

Another pp was right as well. Fundamentally, if you're not sharing the same kinks, it will never work as one or the other will feel they are compromising too much of themselves.

Good luck and on to the next one...

Why? Power and control. Women in their place as servants, or even just objects. Misogynistic values, or even just too much porn.

Swerve!

I rather think he should of brought this up prior to them having sex. Makes for an easier dumping.

Tbh I think bringing it up after you've dtd and not waiting X months was the best option if that's what he's into...you might as well know early. Men and women alike are into it, it's irrelevant why, you're not. So, I'd just tell him... its possible it's just something he quite likes rather than being a lifestyle..and he'd be happy to keep it a bit of rough and tumble

It’s very early days so much easier to No, not for me!

I would cut your loses and tell him that what he is describing isn’t for you. And don’t ever see him again.

What I wouldn't do is try and find a ‘compromise’.
Neither him nor you are going to find it fulfilling. You’re going to feel pushed into doing stuff that aren’t for you. Just don’t.

Not much time lost.
Just text him something like -

….upon reflection - i don’t think this would work. I am not into the sort of kink you prefer.

👌

Do you know for sure why he broke up with his ex?

Probably when he introduced the sex bench....

Everyone to their own but id be running away.
Im not in to that id fear id be tied down no escape and he could abuse or take advantage of me any way he wants and nothing i can do.
Some like it some dont.
A very big loud NO from me.
I`ll stick to the old fashion way spice it up with out being strapped down.

@MermaidEyes 😂

Don't.

He'll think you're into age play.

OP, your bf is into BDSM and you need to become acquainted with the terminology. I think that Wiki do a special sub-section. Read up on ot and hold onto your hat.

You then need to explain to him that you are straight vanilla and will not be able to share his pecadillos. Smile. Leave. Think of it as dealing with a train enthusiast and not giving a flying fuck about the flying scotsman.

He said rough and dominant.

I, like you, would have taken exactly that from what he said - rough and dominant.

Not BDSM.

There are many posts on this thread suggesting you misunderstood or lack communication..... I think they're extremely unfair.

Rough and dominant does not mean BDSM with a pile of toys and apparatus.

He needed to.communicate better.

Anyway I'd find it very off putting in general and especially this soon.

Yep.

And the fact he very likely uses it on consecutive women is icky as well.

I think "the rules" or some such book advised (correctly imho) women wanting a relationship not to bring out their "hoochie" wear and equipment etc from previous relationships/sexual encounters and expect a man to want to stay (or stay for anything but sex) .... The same applies to men.

Just walk away. He's not for you after all.

I doubt it if he's got the kit he's said he has- that's the big bucks and a level of focus.

Unless he's bodged it up from a black & decker workbench and dog collars from pets at home 😂

I would be wanting to know how many woman the butt plug had already been up, bit disgusting to keep it to use on the 'next woman', or is it for him ?

@WalkingThroughTreacle as a young adult of the 1990s I got the Woman's Weekly reference straight away, which made me chuckle. Thank you to @TheIceQween for the YouTube link which has made my day and embarrassed my teens over their Shreddies. VW was so talented.