Avoidant Attachment

[cookiesandoats]

Hi

My boyfriend of 2 years has an avoidant attachment. He fits every criteria. He often needs space and I'm an anxious attacher so I know we both need to work on ourselves.

I am trying to understand avoidants more. I have read up online so much stuff but it's so hard to comprehend because I am the complete opposite.

We've had an argument and I think this really is over, which I'm devastated about. But I would like to understand more, because I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, but feel like I need answers. Are there any avoidants reading this who can offer any insight please?

We were talking about our future, this ended in an argument, and he then told me that he was not in love with me anymore. This was despite telling me the day before he was. I asked which was the truth, was he in love with me and had fallen out over night, or just hadn't for a while. He said it was over night. He said we don't work. He's probably right given our attachment styles but I'm gutted as everything else was perfect, we just struggle to communicate.

I've sent him a few messages which I know I shouldn't, so I've stopped. He reads them but doesn't respond. Does he just need space and then he'll come round and talk, even if it's just to discuss what went wrong, because I've read they can come back?

Regardless, I know it's probably the end anyway as our attachments don't match, but I would like to work on it, especially for myself in future relationships.

Any advice from an avoidant as to what he might be feeling/advice from a partner of an avoidant would be gratefully received.

I don’t know about that @Watchkeys

It’s possible but I guess my point is that it’s easy to “diagnose” yourself as anxious when actually you’re just in a relationship with a prick.

I had two loving very demonstrative parents, I’ve always felt loved by my family, I have a good circle of friends, gathered from school, uni, work. I’m a loving and attentive mother. I could never understand why, over time with exH l, I started being labelled (by him) and labelling myself as anxious, stressful, over the top.

He on the other hand is classic avoidant and was abusive. Two very emotionally stunted parents, dumped with unknown grandparents at age 2 so his parents could have a six week trip to Paris (we are southern hemisphere and this was the late 70s!), dumped in boarding school as a shy and anxious teenager so they could move to Hong Kong - emotional insecurity and attachment issues up the wazoo.

The moment we split my so called anxiety issues started melting away.

Yes DP and I are more compatible emotionally - he loves me straightforwardly and isn’t afraid to show me. I am not sure what attachment style is compatible with my exH. Show me someone who likes to be ignored, to be called horrible names at the first sign of conflict, to never be kissed or cuddled unless in the context of sex… I have the perfect man for you.

You don’t ‘need’ to do anything I tell you, obviously. I have no investment in what you do and no authority over you. I’d have thought that was clear, but I guess it was a poor choice of words on my part. What I meant was that it seems to me that you will find more happiness in relationships if you can find a way to recognise others’ autonomy, and let go of relationships that don’t feel good to you, rather than trying to fix them when the other party isn’t necessarily on board. That’s all.

I just wanted to say thanks to @Watchkeys and @Pinkbonbon for their kind and wise words of advice, this has given me a lot to think about and i appreciate it 🙏🏼

@Endoftheroad12345

It’s possible but I guess my point is that it’s easy to “diagnose” yourself as anxious when actually you’re just in a relationship with a prick

Yes, this is because attachment styles are viewed as diagnoses of pathological patterns. They're not. That's like diagnosing a dislike of broccoli as a pathology, and trying to get the person to 'find a way' to enjoy eating it.

An anxious attachment style means you like a particular sort of attachment, and need to recognise that it's up to you to a) find it and b) reject anybody who doesn't provide it for you. An avoidant style means you like a particular sort of attachment, and need to recognise that it's up to you to a) find it and b) reject anybody who doesn't provide it for you.

I sorted out my attachment style with what I called 'The Dumping Project', and that's all we need to do, re attachment styles. We don't need to change the style. We need to change our choice of company.

😂 “The Dumping Project” @Watchkeys I love that. You’re right though and while I don’t think I’m necessarily anxious and exH is on the abusive end of avoidant, he was my first boyfriend at age 20. I genuinely didn’t know that other people’s relationships were nice and fun and easy and love could be lavished on you instead of withheld in miserly rations.

That seems a little pessimistic @Watchkeys . I believe it's possible to work on yourself and foster a warmer, healthier attachment style within yourself... mainly by trying to heal the wounds you sustained in childhood. You don't need to think, "yes, this is how I am and will be forever more."

Of course you shouldn't change yourself to suit an arsehole, or someone so insecure that he treats you badly (like the OP's fella). But building a more secure attachment style will be better for a person generally, in all your relationships, and in your sense of overall contentment.

Being avoidant doesn't just mean you avoid the difficult emotions that come up with your partner; it means you avoid difficult emotions that swim up within yourself, a deadening process. No amount of dumping people will fix this. But I believe therapy can help - it's helping me.

@zaxxon

yes, this is how I am and will be forever more

Well, I would still be unhappy with the partners I previously tried to stay with, so, for me, it's not been a pessimistic process at all; I just chose someone better, who is happy with how I am, so I didn't need to change myself.

Each to their own, but it's not pessimistic to say 'Chuck out the trash to make space for something wonderful.'

@zaxxon

In fact, if you think that 'You're fine as you are and don't need to change' is pessimistic, there's little wonder you're avoidant.

It seems pessimistic because you're closing off even the possibility of change. And I think that type of change can be a good one.

@zaxxon

As I said, if you think that changing from who you currently are to fit the needs of someone else is good, then there's no wonder your attachment style would be affected. Change is great when it's something you do for you. But if you're doing it to make a relationship work, then no. Change the relationship before you change yourself.

Building a better attachment style is about your attachment to yourself, not to someone else.

Change is great when it's something you do for you. But if you're doing it to make a relationship work, then no.

Yes, agreed, that's basically what I said above, in the context of a partner.

The thing is, there are some relationships you can't change. You can't just dump your family - well, you absolutely can and should if they're abusive or awful, but I'm talking about ordinary family relationships where people do love each other but hit bumps in the road, because we're all human and complicated.

You can't dump your kids. And a mother's attachment style will have repercussions for them - one case where it's worth working to change yourself for another's sake.

@zaxxon

Yes, I was speaking with reference to relationships in the context of the thread.

You can dump your family. I dumped my dad. Life is much improved.

In the wise words of Watchkeys , What you need to fix an (anxious) attachment style: stop finding yourself unacceptable .

By way of an update, I had a quite traumatic phone call with this guy, after he explicitly stated about me not interrupting, raising my voice etc. the conversation started fine and I remained very calm and said my piece, he initially thanked me for acknowledging that I had pushed his boundaries with the flirtation, even though deep down I don't truly believe I have much to apologise for but I guess I was partly playing along with the whole charade. Anyway the conversation just turned very strange, even if I wasn't really saying much he kept accusing me of interrupting him and talking over him, and I absolutely wasn't at all, I was so shocked I had to hang the phone up while he was ranting at me about how out of line I was being. I honestly have never experienced anything like that in my life and was left feeling quite dumbfounded. Is he avoidant or just actually clearly not very well mentally. The whole experience has been so emotionally draining.

I believe I said that what was going to happen. That he was telling you that's what he was going to accuse you of (interupting/shouting). This is what abusers do. He told you exactly going that call was going to play out.

He's your bog standard malignant narcissist.

Block him and never contact him again.

Found it * I'd said 'its more likely he's just telling you what he's going to accuse you of in future'

Not an 'I told you so' btw lol just pointing out that it seems I've got this particular asshole sussed.
And I'm voting- block the bastard and never speak to him again!

I have just blocked him, thank you, you were right about everything

You'll feel better soon. Have some chocolate and a bubble bath! They're like dementors our of harry potter- when they attack it drains you and makes you all shaky. Like you haven't eaten for days and your body is freaking out about it or something. Chocolate helps xx

Thank you, I really appreciate it 😊 🙏🏼