Avoidant Attachment

[cookiesandoats]

Hi

My boyfriend of 2 years has an avoidant attachment. He fits every criteria. He often needs space and I'm an anxious attacher so I know we both need to work on ourselves.

I am trying to understand avoidants more. I have read up online so much stuff but it's so hard to comprehend because I am the complete opposite.

We've had an argument and I think this really is over, which I'm devastated about. But I would like to understand more, because I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, but feel like I need answers. Are there any avoidants reading this who can offer any insight please?

We were talking about our future, this ended in an argument, and he then told me that he was not in love with me anymore. This was despite telling me the day before he was. I asked which was the truth, was he in love with me and had fallen out over night, or just hadn't for a while. He said it was over night. He said we don't work. He's probably right given our attachment styles but I'm gutted as everything else was perfect, we just struggle to communicate.

I've sent him a few messages which I know I shouldn't, so I've stopped. He reads them but doesn't respond. Does he just need space and then he'll come round and talk, even if it's just to discuss what went wrong, because I've read they can come back?

Regardless, I know it's probably the end anyway as our attachments don't match, but I would like to work on it, especially for myself in future relationships.

Any advice from an avoidant as to what he might be feeling/advice from a partner of an avoidant would be gratefully received.

I could have wrote this word for word!

Attachment styles are a thing, but mine absolutely changed when I wasn’t being lied to, cheated on, gaslight and breadcrumbed by the wrong person. Now I’m with someone who is the polar opposite and it’s amazing how secure I am when I used to think I was anxious and with an avoidant, no I was just with a twat!

move on OP, find someone who doesn’t treat you like this. He’s not avoidant, he’s just not that into you.

Oh my love, it’s so tough. Like a few people have said anxious and avoidant do seem to vibe. I’m fearful avoidant so a little different. But basically it all stems from some kind of low level ongoing trauma in your childhood. There’s so many good YouTube videos and Tim fletcher does a lot of CPTSD content which you might resonate with, which is just loads and loads of small trigger events in your early years with no adult there to model healthy ways to deal.

So it turns into more of a coping mechanism you develop to survive as a child. Another big thing is when your care givers just can’t meet your basic needs consistently and that’s the blueprint you learn to interact with the world from an early age.

You can’t change him but you can definitely work on you so hopefully you feel in a better place to attract someone who has a healthy attachment style.

What a fascinating and great set of posts and interesting debate

OP, my personal opinion is that we do each have our "style" and yes, differing styles are a painful challenge, but if you BOTH truly like each other a great deal and want the relationship, you can work on your individual reactions.

It takes a LOT of work and retraining and this person will need to be worth the work for you.

Consider the first part of this chart as what is going on here.

-You do something that overwhelms him (I don't know what exactly on this occasion) - He panics and say some shit like 'I don't love you'. He's heading down the blue cliff into shut-down and saying anything he can to 'get' away from you. - You're hearing "I don't love you" and (understandably) going into full on panic.

There is a lot of great info in this article and this article

No one can tell you exactly what to do in your situation, as the overall quality of the relationship depends on many factors .

There is a chance if you now leave, you would repeat this pattern in future relationships or you could focus hard on looking for someone with a much closer "style" to yours.
Often though, we don't feel attracted to secure people if we ourselves are anxious. It's as if we are attracted to the one who will 'teach us the most'.

Most likely, you both need some therapy to be in secure relationships.

In any cases - stay or leave - you have lots of discoveries ahead - grab your life with both hands.

Sorry - was not meant to come out underlines in the above text "He panics and say some shit like 'I don't love you'. He's heading down the blue cliff into shut-down and saying anything he can to 'get' away from you."

Exactly
My answer to this would be
'Fine - you either want me or you don't- Next'

I've got a fairly avoidant attachment style but I can be 'earned secure' with the right person. However, in my last relationship the man I was with hid his anxious attachment style. I thought things were great for a year or so - he didn't seem in a hurry to move the relationship on, didn't seem to want to be with me all the time, had interests of his own, etc. But it turned out he'd been playing cool the whole time to try to 'match' my independent personality, but in fact was full of anxious needs. It emerged gradually that he was jealous of my kids, my hobbies, my friends, and basically wanted to swallow me whole. He was constantly asking me what I was thinking, how I felt about him etc. I'm fairly self-aware so I made a conscious decision to stick with it. I tried so hard for several months - I reassured, I remained affectionate etc. However, I was really clear that I was going to maintain all the other aspects of my life that were important to me. It was so stressful because I had this constant feeling of pressure and of not being enough for him. One day, a switch flicked and I couldn't be around him anymore. Once the switch flicks that's it for me.

I suppose I'm saying this to make the point that anxious types can be very stressful to be around and their needs can often be quite extreme and unreasonable. It's driven by insecurity but the effect is very controlling. I'm not saying that's how you were Op, but I think often it's avoidant types that get a bad rap, when actually it's much more about finding a good match so that neither person has to do that crazy dance.

A lot of people commenting seem to think that attachment styles are pathologies or illnesses. Walking away is easier for some styles, and clinging is more natural for others, but they're not something to 'believe in'; they just are. It's not not believing in food preferences.

If eating broccoli makes you feel good, do that. If it makes you feel bad, don't. If having a partner who clings or needs space feels good, do that. If it makes you feel bad, don't. We're all different, and need to match to compatible people if we want to be happy. That's not something to 'believe in'. That's how we all are.

Yes but the point is that some attachment styles do lead to destructive behaviour in relationships, where the person makes themselves and others unhappy.

I dated a man like this as well. It was very off putting - it's unattractive behaviour and certainly makes you stop liking someone even if you did in the first place!

Thanks for all the interesting comments.

I woke up to a message this morning saying "I don't make you happy" so not really sure why he's messaged me or what he's getting at. I think it's a little unfair he's reached that conclusion.

I responded saying I was very happy for 2 years but I'm very hurt at what he's said and he's not responded yet. I'm not expecting a response.

As others have said, I shouldn't have to be treated this way, but I'm aware life isn't always black and white. A boundary for me however is that love shouldn't just be taken away so quickly, even if you don't mean what you say. Regardless of whether he wants to fix the relationship, which I don't think he does, I won't be able to.

I do however wish to understand avoidant behaviour, I appreciate others have said there is no point and I should just focus on me and my behaviour, but I am the type who likes to understand in order to accept things more. Thank you again for all the comments.

Totally agree with the other posters who said their anxious attachment suddenly disappeared when they left the ex who would be deemed avoidant (aka arseholes).

I spent years, sorry wasted years trying to figure my ex out, why did he do this, how could I change etc. Then I flipped it and did the work on myself to build myself back up from him destroying my self esteem. I’m very secure in myself and who I am now and when I see him now I know wouldn’t go near him or anyone like him with a 10ft bargepole. I deserve so much better and so do you xx

@cookiesandoats Your update is quite telling. The excessive focus on him and not on your own role in the relationship dynamic is part of the problem. It takes two people to create that dynamic. Avoidant attachment isn't some kind of mental disorder. It's a preference. Your approach sounds so much like my ex's and God he was irritating. I said to him those exact words - 'I don't make you happy'. It was absolutely true - I never would have made him happy unless he could fully understand and 'know me' utterly and nothing he knew about me would ever be a cause for worry for him. It's exhausting and impossible. As pp have said, focus on yourself and don't pathologise people just because you aren't compatible.

I would disagree that it's a 'preference' if it stops a person having relationships that they would otherwise want.

@TreesWelliesKnees thank you for your comment.

I wouldn't say I'm pathologising anybody, I am trying to understand behaviours. I don't think avoidance is a mental disorder but I also don't think it's a preference as you have said. I don't think people choose to be avoidant, as much as I don't choose to be anxious. But I do choose to try and do something about it.

I don't have to just understand his behaviour or understand mine, I can do both. Just because I haven't spoken about mine doesn't mean it's not something I'm not conscious of, or aware I need to understand and work on. I posted the original post to simply try and gain an understanding to help fill in the bigger picture.

I'm sorry you felt your ex partner's actions were exhausting and impossible, as you said it's best to focus on yourself.

Thank you again for your comment.

this.

Fair enough, maybe preference is the wrong word. More like a way of being in relationships, maybe. It isn't always problematic.

OP I am the same. I have anxious attachment, I have often been out with avoidants. I too very much need to understand what has happened in order to make sense of things and move on. It has very much helped me to do this. I agree that you cannot change people and the best thing to do is work on yourself to become more secure and seek out others who are too. I recommend a fantastic book called Men Who Can't Love. There are lots of answers there. I disagree that these styles are preferences. If you take the approach of developmental psychology, both avoidant and insecure attachment are a kind of maladaptive coping strategy, not the true essence of a person. I think what can be so heart breaking about these relationships is that there are fragments and glimmers of the real person that you connect with at times when they (or you) aren't clouding things with these maddening (maybe protective) responses. Look after yourself OP, most of these men are not suited to women like us. P.S my anxious attachment also disappeared when I found a secure man 😊

Oh love, he's simply a messer. He's done the first couple of years and can't be arsed anymore. I'm impressed he managed 2 years, messers normally start messing after a few months when they've hoovered you in. You've nailed it yourself though, don't waste time on a man like this, you will waste the best years of your life. Head down, lick your wounds then come out the other side. Word of warning though, messers like to crop up again once you've got your shit together just to play with you some more.
Not saying the guy is evil, he might not even be aware he's doing it but regardless, it's bad for you. Try to stop engaging and think about what you can do to help you heal. Good luck, it's shit but you will get through it.

how old is he OP?

But I do choose to try and do something about it

Except you're not. You're dealing with this in a precisely anxious attachment style way: needing to figure the other person out before you can deal with your own feelings.

A boundary for me however is that love shouldn't just be taken away so quickly

How is that a boundary? Boundaries aren't 'things other people should do'.

exactly

That comment sounds like he's trying to goad you into a response where he gets let off all blame for this situation. It's certainly not very mature, at best.

I'm wondering if he's realised that his tantrum and harsh words have got him into something he now wants to get out of.

I definitely agree with your plan not to go back. We all say things we don't necessarily mean when we're upset, but telling someone you have completely fallen out of love with them overnight is extreme.

I feel I just stepped into another world where I don't speak the language