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Original poster

Avoidant Attachment

145 replies

cookiesandoats · 20/04/2024 09:23

Hi

My boyfriend of 2 years has an avoidant attachment. He fits every criteria. He often needs space and I'm an anxious attacher so I know we both need to work on ourselves.

I am trying to understand avoidants more. I have read up online so much stuff but it's so hard to comprehend because I am the complete opposite.

We've had an argument and I think this really is over, which I'm devastated about. But I would like to understand more, because I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, but feel like I need answers. Are there any avoidants reading this who can offer any insight please?

We were talking about our future, this ended in an argument, and he then told me that he was not in love with me anymore. This was despite telling me the day before he was. I asked which was the truth, was he in love with me and had fallen out over night, or just hadn't for a while. He said it was over night. He said we don't work. He's probably right given our attachment styles but I'm gutted as everything else was perfect, we just struggle to communicate.

I've sent him a few messages which I know I shouldn't, so I've stopped. He reads them but doesn't respond. Does he just need space and then he'll come round and talk, even if it's just to discuss what went wrong, because I've read they can come back?

Regardless, I know it's probably the end anyway as our attachments don't match, but I would like to work on it, especially for myself in future relationships.

Any advice from an avoidant as to what he might be feeling/advice from a partner of an avoidant would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
AdultReindeer · 20/04/2024 16:23

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:21

planting the seeds that he may have BPD

Show quote history

But what have I suggested the OP does?

It's my opinion that people who have abrupt and disruptive changes in their emotions may have a personality disorder affecting their thinking. Why on earth shouldn't I voice that? I already said it's not conclusive because I don't know him?

Original poster
cookiesandoats · 20/04/2024 16:26

Hello again.

I wasn't going to come back on here but I wanted to thank @Watchkeys in particular, and others who have offered really useful comments.

@skipit8103 and @AdultReindeer I'm not sure what you've read but you seem to have invented a new relationship I wasn't even in! 1) it was one argument 2) you said it's happening 'frequently' - where on earth did I say that? I do appreciate your offers of advice, but I think this is where Mumsnet can get a little carried away.

Some have said I am 'needy'. If that's how I come across then so be it, but I think wanting an answer or explanation how someone can do a complete 180 on you overnight isn't necessarily needy, or my understanding of needy anyway.

Again, thank you all for your feedback.

OP posts:
KitKatChunki · 20/04/2024 16:30

OP ignore the BPD distraction - you know he is avoidant which is what matters. If avoidants were the way they are at the start of a relationship as they are at the end they'd never find a partner. It's the way they work it seems, often gets mixed up with lovebombing because they are so different at the beginning, but either way it sounds as though he is stonewalling you now - classic avoidant move. No need to wonder why, it's typical of avoidant and will completely mess with your head as an anxious.

He may only be stonewalling you though, so don't expect he really is being a turtle in a shell. That is the bit I found most confusing as he kept saying he was isolating himself, which again worried me and made me want to check in/up on him. As I said mine was planning a trip with another woman, so was just stonewalling me and refusing to talk to his friends who I had asked to check in on him about any of it. It's an attachment type that can quite quickly detach and form attachments elsewhere for distraction purposes, while ignoring any advice even from family and friends from my experience.

gamerchick · 20/04/2024 16:30

I personally don't buy into the attachment stuff. I think we can be with the wrong person and it can trigger some emotions that aren't good for us. To label those feelings like it's totally out of our control isn't really a good thing.

This relationship doesn't work..sometimes you never really get any closure from men who just cant be arsed with you anymore. Both men and women do it, it's a dickish way to behave but it happens.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:32

AdultReindeer · 20/04/2024 16:23

But what have I suggested the OP does?

It's my opinion that people who have abrupt and disruptive changes in their emotions may have a personality disorder affecting their thinking. Why on earth shouldn't I voice that? I already said it's not conclusive because I don't know him?

Show quote history

well in that case…. please do just voice anything and everything that springs to mind without a filter!

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:32

gamerchick · 20/04/2024 16:30

I personally don't buy into the attachment stuff. I think we can be with the wrong person and it can trigger some emotions that aren't good for us. To label those feelings like it's totally out of our control isn't really a good thing.

This relationship doesn't work..sometimes you never really get any closure from men who just cant be arsed with you anymore. Both men and women do it, it's a dickish way to behave but it happens.

me too.

This

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:33

cookiesandoats · 20/04/2024 16:26

Hello again.

I wasn't going to come back on here but I wanted to thank @Watchkeys in particular, and others who have offered really useful comments.

@skipit8103 and @AdultReindeer I'm not sure what you've read but you seem to have invented a new relationship I wasn't even in! 1) it was one argument 2) you said it's happening 'frequently' - where on earth did I say that? I do appreciate your offers of advice, but I think this is where Mumsnet can get a little carried away.

Some have said I am 'needy'. If that's how I come across then so be it, but I think wanting an answer or explanation how someone can do a complete 180 on you overnight isn't necessarily needy, or my understanding of needy anyway.

Again, thank you all for your feedback.

So since the argument - have you spoken? he hasn’t back tracked?

Im guessing you don’t live together? was the argument about you wanting to take a step forward and him not wanting to?

AdultReindeer · 20/04/2024 16:35

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:32

well in that case…. please do just voice anything and everything that springs to mind without a filter!

Show quote history

Ok, have it your way. The partner here is clearly totally rational and has sensibly decided overnight that he now hates his partner which is a totally normal thing to do.

Maybe you're right. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
cookiesandoats · 20/04/2024 16:43

@AdultReindeer he hasn't said he hates me. I'm not sure where you are getting all of these ideas from. I understand you might think someone telling you they are not in love with you may hate you, and not responding to messages isn't nice, but I wouldn't say it infers hate. If what you are saying is right and that he hates me, then I'd be even more devastated as I don't really know what I'd have done to warrant that.

@skipit8103 yes he has messaged me about an hour ago. Saying he's sorry for how he's acted, he felt overwhelmed, I deserve someone who doesn't shut down and someone who can make me happy and he fears he doesn't make me happy. I haven't responded as I'm not really sure what to make of it, but as others have suggested, there is no point trying to make sense of it. The argument was about moving in together yes, as he had suggested that he wanted to do so. It has been him bringing it up for a while.

I think someone above also suggested 'lovebombing'. He didn't do that, it was just a normal relationship for the most part, until obviously we had the argument.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/04/2024 16:46

Whoever adapted attachment styles from the toddlers it was meant to apply to, to adults, has a lot to answer for in my opinion.

Its pop psychology fucking bullshit.

And I'm sick of seeing women on here excuse their nasty ass partners as having anxious/avoidant attachment styles.

I don't know if this was agenuinely one of bad fight and he's decided its done. Or if he's an abuser playing at hot and cold, push and pull, the cycle of abuse.

But for the love of fuck, stop buying into this attachment style crap. When someone who is supposed to treat you respectfully, doesn't - walk away! Hell, ruuuuun. Don't hang around trying to over analyse.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Stop asking how he feels and how to make him feel better. You're not a shrink. Choose yourself!

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 20/04/2024 16:46

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 15:36

have you ever met anyone you really love and very very much wanted to be with? if so, would you have described yourself as an avoidant in that relationship?

Show quote history

As a PP said, it's even worse. If the feeling is stronger, so is the fear it triggers. It has nothing to do with "wanting to be" with the person. I DON'T KNOW HOW to be with the person. It hurts. It's uncomfortable.

Being in peace with someone for a while was something I've learnt very recently. Still learning.

Pinkbonbon · 20/04/2024 16:49

"It hurts. It's uncomfortable".

Yeah then it's not the relationship for you.

Shut down him trying to come back.
Women are not rehab for damaged men.

Its OK, you're learning, such is life. But he was a mistake. Don't make it again.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:49

ok so he’s sticking to yesterday and not changing his mind

if he did, would you go back?

He is quite clear though by the sounds of it.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:50

how old are you both?

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:51

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 20/04/2024 16:46

As a PP said, it's even worse. If the feeling is stronger, so is the fear it triggers. It has nothing to do with "wanting to be" with the person. I DON'T KNOW HOW to be with the person. It hurts. It's uncomfortable.

Being in peace with someone for a while was something I've learnt very recently. Still learning.

Show quote history

has the past 30 years been very difficult for you?

AdultReindeer · 20/04/2024 16:52

cookiesandoats · 20/04/2024 16:43

@AdultReindeer he hasn't said he hates me. I'm not sure where you are getting all of these ideas from. I understand you might think someone telling you they are not in love with you may hate you, and not responding to messages isn't nice, but I wouldn't say it infers hate. If what you are saying is right and that he hates me, then I'd be even more devastated as I don't really know what I'd have done to warrant that.

@skipit8103 yes he has messaged me about an hour ago. Saying he's sorry for how he's acted, he felt overwhelmed, I deserve someone who doesn't shut down and someone who can make me happy and he fears he doesn't make me happy. I haven't responded as I'm not really sure what to make of it, but as others have suggested, there is no point trying to make sense of it. The argument was about moving in together yes, as he had suggested that he wanted to do so. It has been him bringing it up for a while.

I think someone above also suggested 'lovebombing'. He didn't do that, it was just a normal relationship for the most part, until obviously we had the argument.

I don't think he does hate you. I think there's something deeper at play here that's actually not a reflection on you at all. But I'm getting in the neck for suggesting the very possibility.

Put simply, I think he has problems that aren't yours to solve, that aren't worth getting to the bottom of, and I think you should walk away and chalk this one up to a bad job. But I do strongly suspect this could be an issue with him that extends beyond anything you've done to trigger.

If it's helpful for you, it sounds similar to splitting behaviour if you want to Google it, not to understand him but to understand that this isn't your fault. But if you don't think it would be helpful, obviously feel free to disregard my advice.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 16:58

wrong poster @whatwouldAnnaDelveydo sorry!

Watchkeys · 20/04/2024 17:02

gamerchick · 20/04/2024 16:30

I personally don't buy into the attachment stuff. I think we can be with the wrong person and it can trigger some emotions that aren't good for us. To label those feelings like it's totally out of our control isn't really a good thing.

This relationship doesn't work..sometimes you never really get any closure from men who just cant be arsed with you anymore. Both men and women do it, it's a dickish way to behave but it happens.

Attachment styles aren't labels about things we can't control. They are definitions of who we are. So, they don't need to be 'under control', any more than our desire to watch a film from time to time needs to be 'under our control', or to eat cheese sometimes.

If you are with the wrong person and it triggers feelings of desperately needing to fix it, then that's 'it can trigger some emotions that aren't good for us', and yes, we need to leave. But there's no harm in giving our collection of feelings a name. It helps many people enormously, including myself, and it doesn't mean we are labelled with 'an ailment'. An attachment style isn't a pathology; it's a style of attachment. It's in the name.

BeenThere101 · 20/04/2024 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 17:06

my attachment to someone depends entirely upon how i feel specifically about them.

So i have had boyfriends who could say i too have an avoidant “style”

but the boyfriend i married? he would have laughed if anyone described me as such

TheresAPrayerInEveryLieYouTold · 20/04/2024 18:27

Attachment styles matching are really fundamental to a relationship.

Baileysandcream · 20/04/2024 21:31

OP if you're interested in reading about avoidant attachment style for a better understanding, freetoattach.com is a really good website.

Moredrama · 21/04/2024 02:01

@BeenThere101 Same with me. I don’t recognise the person I am now.
In terms of no one knowing, I was closed off for a long time but did start to open up to someone, but of course when they say the obvious things that I’ve said a thousand times in my own head, I find myself almost defending him and saying that I’m not perfect either (WTF?!).
Every time I think this time I’m going through with leaving, something stops me and I get so angry with myself for being so weak.

Realdeal1 · 21/04/2024 06:11

@cookiesandoats I think women especially read too much into attachment styles. To me, it sounds like hard work here. The bottom line really is his behaviour/style of comms is upsetting to you and leaving you confused. I think the right person won't leave you feeling this way.

I recently got back with an ex who probably had a bit of that attachment style before but he's changed (of his own accord) as have I, and we've both become more secure in our own right so the relationship now works really well. But at that time years ago, we just weren't compatible.

Letsbepractical · 21/04/2024 07:09

OP you’ve received a lot of helpful advice here already so I’m sure this will not be news for you:
you can believe in attachment styles or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is: do you want to be with someone who one day says ‘I love you’, next day ‘I don’t love you’ and who cannot have a mature conversation with you?