Avoidant Attachment

[cookiesandoats]

Hi

My boyfriend of 2 years has an avoidant attachment. He fits every criteria. He often needs space and I'm an anxious attacher so I know we both need to work on ourselves.

I am trying to understand avoidants more. I have read up online so much stuff but it's so hard to comprehend because I am the complete opposite.

We've had an argument and I think this really is over, which I'm devastated about. But I would like to understand more, because I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, but feel like I need answers. Are there any avoidants reading this who can offer any insight please?

We were talking about our future, this ended in an argument, and he then told me that he was not in love with me anymore. This was despite telling me the day before he was. I asked which was the truth, was he in love with me and had fallen out over night, or just hadn't for a while. He said it was over night. He said we don't work. He's probably right given our attachment styles but I'm gutted as everything else was perfect, we just struggle to communicate.

I've sent him a few messages which I know I shouldn't, so I've stopped. He reads them but doesn't respond. Does he just need space and then he'll come round and talk, even if it's just to discuss what went wrong, because I've read they can come back?

Regardless, I know it's probably the end anyway as our attachments don't match, but I would like to work on it, especially for myself in future relationships.

Any advice from an avoidant as to what he might be feeling/advice from a partner of an avoidant would be gratefully received.

you married him
you have remained married to him for three decades

this chap has point blank said he doesnt love the OP

That's exactly the kind of relationship that would usually trigger an attachment style. It's not to do with how much you love and want to be with the other person; it's to do with how attached you are.

do you have this @Watchkeys ?

My ex was avoidance and I am anxious. I really struggled when he pulled away (multiple times over a year including saying he didn't want to come on holiday with us, then getting upset when we went and refusing to see me afterwards because we went without him, then refusing to apologise for being cross at me for going...it was ridiculous really!). I found I craved answers because my anxiety meant I couldn't compute that he wouldn't explain or fight at all to keep me - he was so upset at us going for example, why wouldn't he want to see me when we got back? I got to the point I was tying myself jn knots trying to explain and understand his behaviour because my anxious style meant I wanted to chase when he pulled away. He hated it and it made me upset, anxious and ultimately angry with him. Take it from someone who has been there, just stop. He will keep pulling away the more you try. You will get more upset. No one wins. Just protect your peace and distract yourself elsewhere. Mine had already emotionally cheated and was planning a holiday with the girl, so all of my efforts and anxieties only served to make me miserable. Protect your peace.

I'm talking about attachment styles and how they're triggered, rather than any one particular person's experience.

I don't think his behaviour is ok, at all. It is not healthy that he's threatening the entire relationship and turning on you/stonewalling you because of a falling out.

It's no wonder you're confused. No one can live with the cognitive dissonance of being love bombed one minute and then discarded the next, back and forth ad infinitum.

I highly recommend you stop trying to understand him and walk away. I wouldn't be surprised if he has undiagnosed BPD, which is not something you want to be around. I don't believe in armchair diagnosis, but I definitely suspect it from your description. Google splitting and see if it rings any bells.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has undiagnosed BPD, which is not something you want to be around. I don't believe in armchair diagnosis

Fantastic contradiction. Also, 'stop trying to understand him' plus a definition of your understanding of him.

Amazing.

I'm not diagnosing anything. I don't know him so it wouldn't be appropriate. But it isn't usual or healthy to break up with your partner on a regular basis and it does sound like the type of behaviour someone with a personality disorder might have, particularly when it's a pattern.

I'm sorry if whatever I've said has struck a nerve with you, but it's not your place to police my opinion of the situation.

i’m curious about your experience / expertise?

I wouldn't be surprised if he has undiagnosed BPD,

WTF

Is it your place to tell me my place is, @AdultReindeer ?

You didn't strike a nerve, you contradicted your own point. And you've just done it again.

OP, I pointed these contradictions out for your benefit, not to start a row. Sorry for the derail. My advice would be not to spend time labelling or reading about him or about what random people diagnose his 'condition' to be, having never met him. Unless you want a period of your life to be about 'miserably studying BPD for little to no gain', his sudden 180 can just be an inexplicable twist that you need to distance yourself from.

So? OP isn't posting a thread so that we can all answer questions about each others' 'expertise'.

I'm not sure about attachment types but he seems to have been pretty clear and even if given a bit of space he changes his mind again do you really want to live life with someone who blows hot and cold like that?

"We were talking about our future, this ended in an argument, and he then told me that he was not in love with me anymore. This was despite telling me the day before he was. I asked which was the truth, was he in love with me and had fallen out over night, or just hadn't for a while. He said it was over night."

That doesn't sound like a stable personality type to me, which I think is worth pointing out.

It's interesting, OP, that you want to understand why he says I love you....then I don't love you ...

. . ...but you don't appear to be interested in sorting out your own neediness and working through your own issues

He says what he says because he really doesn't give a toss about you and says whatever suits HIM at the time

That's why I said to stop trying to understand him and walk away.

I don't know whether he has a personality disorder or not, but he's certainly exhibiting behaviours that fit in with one.

I have no idea why you've reacted so vociferously to the suggestion. But I don't think it's helpful to the OP.

sounds like the argument was big and on the back of other stuff (him wanting space etc and op struggling with that) and was the straw that broke the camel’s back

and the “talking about the future” argument was probs him thinking “shit i’ve got to end this now or never because this isn’t heading where i want it to go!”

Perhaps. But this is happening frequently, I'd be surprised if the arguments really do justify such a drastic change in his perception of the OP.

We can only speculate, ultimately.

I have no idea why you've reacted so vociferously to the suggestion

Because it's exactly in OP best interests to point out that it's a shit idea. You don't need to understand. I didn't post it for you, as I made perfectly clear.

its not about arguments justifying anything

it’s about how he feels

and the evidence would suggest he feels like he doesn’t want to be with the OP anymore and it all came to a head during an argument about the future.

What's a shit idea, exactly? I'm puzzled about what you think I suggested she do.

it’s the beauty of no censorship

planting the seeds that he may have BPD

It’s been the same for me. It’s so hard going round in circles trying to fix things and hitting a wall every time. It really is soul destroying.

OP given that he’s already distanced himself, I’d take this as your opportunity to try and move on from him. I’ve spent years trying and trying and it just got worse, because when you’re under the same roof you doubt yourself even more. I was foolish enough to believe that if I was just more patient, understanding, less “needy” etc then it would get better but it hasn’t and my mental and physical health has really suffered