My son knows his father is cheating

[Betrayed89]

Last night I found out my husband of 14 years has been having a relationship with another woman. It came as a complete shock, I wasn't expecting it, and the moment I found out I can't even remember everything because I was so distraught. I collapsed, couldn't breathe, shaking and numb, then eventually was able to get words up to tell him that I had found the chats and nudes on his phone. Our 6yo son was in the same room when all this happened. I then told my son what his father was doing and that his father doesn't love me anymore and loves this other woman (whom my son knows as one of his dad's friends and I found out has already met her 😭). I wasn't even thinking when I told my son. I wish more than anything could take my words back. It's not fair on my poor baby to know any of this. It was honestly the worst moment of my life finding out this betrayal, I am so ashamed that I said anything to my son.
Since then I have been reassuring my son that this has nothing to do with him and that his Dad loves him soooo much and that just because his dad doesn't love me anymore changes absolutely nothing about how he feels about him. I told him that there is nothing he could ever do to make his dad not love him anymore. I keep telling him his dad is still a good person, he just made a big mistake.
Please please don't criticise me, I know how awful it was for me to involve our son like I did, please tell me I haven't screwed him up for life and he'll be okay 😭😭 I'm an absolute mess.
This other woman is also married with kids. I can't even believe this has happened. He has never been the cheating type.

How is your son coping now?

I am sorry that happened. it must have been a big shock, especially with it being visual with photos.

He seems okay, he is having a playdate with my sister's daughter and is having fun. I worry about the long term issues from this. I feel awful :(

I think he will worried and divorce/separation, which is natural.

You're husband is a dick

Please try not to worry for now. It was a moment of extreme stress and the main thing is that you try to become strong as quickly as possible to protect you both.

I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you, it must have been a dreadful shock.

I'm not going to lie these are the formative years. It's going to have some effect on him whether you like it or not.

Try not to worry too much about it - you were completely blindsided, fell apart and it just happened. Just try and keep protecting your son by leaning on your friendship and family supports.

Really, it was on your husband to have considered the possibility that the affair discovery would also come to the attention of his children. Many children find out things by overhearing parent conversations when they are thought to be asleep. And even if your son was never told, he would definitely pick up that you were very upset and there was tension between you. That’s why affairs are just so damaging.

I’m sorry this happened OP. Just be there for your son, give him lots of love but also love yourself. It will be difficult but you will get through it. No guilt. You love your son - period. He would have found out anyway and I think it was better coming from you. Spend lots of time with your son. Do his favourite things at weekends.

I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now. I cannot even imagine the shock. Please try to be kind to yourself. Your reaction was completely out of your control.

Your son will not be feeling the gravity of this the same way you are given his age. Just support the best you can going forward but please don't stress about what he has already witnessed.

You're human, and you sound like an amazing, caring mother.

In that worst moment of hurt, you wanted your son to know what your Dh had done, so you made a conscious decision to tell him. At least own that. Then you can move on and try and protect him more as you move forward.

It's ok OP. What matters is the general environment. A one off comment (as long as not abusive, trauma etc.) is probably not going to damage him.
All you can do now is love him, communicate with him (say you shouldn't have said that) and develop a lovely relationship.

Be kind to yourself. You have had a horrible shock. It will be hard but you and your ds will be ok.

Cheating can cause PTSD in betrayed spouses. It’s abusive.

No-one can say for sure how they would react when a traumatic event occurs. Collapsing is a trauma response. Freeze, fight, flee, fawn, flop. If you physically collapsed you flopped.

Get yourself into counselling. Sack/don’t use any counsellor who believes in unmet needs theory. Emdr is good for trauma. Get real life support too. Get support for your child too. If you can afford counselling for him get it. But prioritise yourself as your stability and emotional regulation is key. Your child’s feelings about meeting the OW if your marriage breaks down also need addressing. Your husband was very selfish involving your child in meet ups. But cheaters are selfish.

This has made me sad to read.
You can’t undo what you have done, so there is no point dwelling on it so focus on supporting your son going forward. I’m sorry to say this but I was around the same age when I found out that was going with my parents and it did have a lasting effect on me (they remained married and pretended that everything was fine).

I was the child in this situation. It did affect me. I've thought about this a lot and, looking back, there are three things that I wish my parents had done for me, after the point you're at now:

1. After initially letting me hear it (which I can understand, with the shock), sparing me the details, had the arguments out of earshot, not involved me in confrontations, stalking and car chases, not hidden things from each other in my room like it was my burden to look after.

1. An apology from my dad.

1. When they had marriage counselling to get through it, we should have had family counselling too. They went through a long process of addressing and dealing with it, and I was forever stuck at that original point. I resented them both for moving past it, as I got older.

So sorry that this is happening to you OP. Maybe it would be a good idea to consult a child psychologist?
What did your husband say about the cheating and the effect on his son. He is largely to blame for your reaction you know.

You haven't mentioned your husbands reaction to your discovery OP. What did he do whilst you were having a meltdown in front of your son? He's the one that cause this after all!

Valuable advice.

Stop feeling guilty. It is your husband who should be feeling the guilt and worrying about his son! He is the one who has thrown a grenade into your son's life, not you!!
Your reaction to that shocking betrayal is completely understandable. Telling your son about it isn't going to mess him up. What is important is how you behave going forwards.
It's shit and it's hard on you but you sound like a very caring mum who will put him at the centre of things.
Be careful to not run his dad down in front of him from now on (even though he deserves it, the shit) and do your best to maintain a happy, stable home for your son.
With your love and care he will get through this ok.
But definitely don't take on what is solely your lying, cheating husband's guilt. xx

This is ridiculous. There are ways to tell children , in an age appropriate way, with the level of detail they should know, to protect the child, the husband didn’t do that, the op did. Trying to pretend it was him emotionally telling this little boy and watching his mother and how he didn’t love her any more is absolutely on the op. That doesn’t excuse the husband from cheating, clearly the marriage is over, and they need to manage that, and yes it’s awful for the op but that doesn’t mean you get to weaponise the kids and blame him.

You can't undo it and what you said will be a very small part of the amount of the damage that his DAD has caused. Yes this will affect your child, but it wasn't you that has caused this, so don't let yourself feel guilty for what your husband has done to you and your children.

@Janetime the OP didn't deliberately "weaponise" her child, she reacted to a shit show created by her husband.
All I am saying is that she shouldn't be carrying the guilt for a situation she didn't cause. He is the one to blame because without his actions their son wouldn't be facing any of this.
Obviously not including the son would have been best but it's done and I see no point in trying to make the OP feel worse about that.
Discovering an affair is a hideous experience which utterly blind sides you and the OP has to deal with her own feelings as well as helping her child through this. She needs support not to be told she's messed up. And let's be absolutely clear here - ultimately SHE isn't the one who did mess up.

Talk to your son and apologise for upsetting him
with what you told him and frightening him by the way you were acting. Tell your son you hope he can talk to you when he feels worried or confused but also write up a list with him of people he can talk to if he feels the way (let him choose who to put on it). Then on Monday you can speak to his school, let them know what’s happened and ask them to provide him with emotional support. Also tell his father he must talk to his son and explain what’s happened and reassure him about how loved he is. You could also ask his father to fund some kind of play therapy to support your son through all the changes that are going to happen. I’d also highly recommend therapy for you. You did handle this poorly but nobody knows how they might act during times of crisis and it’s about moving forwards now.

I think it wasn’t ideal. But don’t keep telling him he is a great dad. You are probably confusing him more. Let him think it through. He will ask questions in time. Please think of you and what your husband has done. That’s the bigger issue right now. If it all has an effect on your son you can get him play therapy later on. For now concentrate on you and what you are going to do.

In that initial moment you were blindsided with hurt, did you want to hurt your H back by way of your son?

You should ask yourself the question why you did it and then say sorry and explain in appropriate language your reasoning if you can to your son.

Kids forgive parents for messing up they do, but you need to say sorry and give an explanation. Or just "sorry baby mum lost her mind yesterday with a big shock". And let your son respond, ask questions, talk. Just listen to him.

As for you and H, keep everything else going forward between just you guys.

Own your mistake, don't use your son as a counsellor or ally against H. Move forward calmly. If your son asks questions like "does H love someone else" the real answer, unless you know otherwise is "I don't know" H might have liked the danger, excitement, but do you know he actually loves OW?

It sounds like this is could be a shit storm. There is another whole family involved and it sounds like you sort of know them.

You need to find your cool OP.

Eventually it will be ok. Remember that.

Find a sister/friend whom you can sound off to this evening if you can you need to get a lot out of your system first before you can think and act calmly.

Many kids see, live through much worse than mum losing it once. You might not be able to see the bigger perspective but they do. It will be ok.