My son knows his father is cheating

[Betrayed89]

Last night I found out my husband of 14 years has been having a relationship with another woman. It came as a complete shock, I wasn't expecting it, and the moment I found out I can't even remember everything because I was so distraught. I collapsed, couldn't breathe, shaking and numb, then eventually was able to get words up to tell him that I had found the chats and nudes on his phone. Our 6yo son was in the same room when all this happened. I then told my son what his father was doing and that his father doesn't love me anymore and loves this other woman (whom my son knows as one of his dad's friends and I found out has already met her 😭). I wasn't even thinking when I told my son. I wish more than anything could take my words back. It's not fair on my poor baby to know any of this. It was honestly the worst moment of my life finding out this betrayal, I am so ashamed that I said anything to my son.
Since then I have been reassuring my son that this has nothing to do with him and that his Dad loves him soooo much and that just because his dad doesn't love me anymore changes absolutely nothing about how he feels about him. I told him that there is nothing he could ever do to make his dad not love him anymore. I keep telling him his dad is still a good person, he just made a big mistake.
Please please don't criticise me, I know how awful it was for me to involve our son like I did, please tell me I haven't screwed him up for life and he'll be okay 😭😭 I'm an absolute mess.
This other woman is also married with kids. I can't even believe this has happened. He has never been the cheating type.

I’m finding it hard to believe that there was no way to have this conversation away from the son. I absolutely understand the heartache that comes with finding out that you have been cheated on, but there was no excuse to drag the six year old into this conversation. I agree with the poster who called this out as it was a clear weaponising of the child, and the OP seems to have realised that she has hurt her child.

This. I have two friends who found out about their dads’ affairs when they were thought to be sleeping. It’s very difficult to hide it from DC.

I hope your H has not blamed you - this is entirely on him. Yes, in the calm logical state we would all like to be in you wouldn’t have done it - but your H turned your world upside down.

Continue to reassure him as you have been doing, and learn on those you trust for support.

Seriously? If she’d gone away and thought about it for a day or two and then done it I might accept this interpretation - but not in the moment.

@Betrayed89 I don’t want to pile in when you clearly already feel terrible but you need to address this with your son and figure out some rules of engagement with your H unless you want to further traumatise your child.

You need to sit down with your son and apologise and say you were upset. Don’t go on and on about Daddy not loving you, your child is going through enough already, all he needs to know is that Mum and Dad love him
and it’s not his fault.

i suggest you get him, and yourself, into therapy asap.

You need to shield him from seeing or hearing anything further about this. A 6 y.o child should not be hearing about nudes WTF

I say this as someone who split from an extremely abusive man. I shielded them as best I could but it wasn’t good enough. My son is in therapy because of the behaviour he witnessed from ex H - out of control
anger, screaming, pushing, smashing things. I’ve processed what ex H put me through but I will never forgive him for what he put our kids through.

You can’t undo the past but you can choose a path that will protect your son going forward and part of that is acknowledging your role in what you’ve exposed your son to and choose how you will navigate it from now on. Yes it’s totally unfair at a time when you’ve had a horrible shock but that’s being a mother, you eat the darkness for your kids.

Having been in a similar situation, as a one off, it's salvageable but involving your son any further would definitely be considered 'weaponising' your kid and that's where the toxicity and damage lie.

As a pp up thread stated, from now on, make sure every discussion/argument/confession is done away from your son's ears. Don't go overboard with praise for your ex as a way of trying to make up for your understandable meltdown.

You've done what youve done. Of course it's not ideal, but you know have to be super adult about it and do everything in your power to handle it in an age appropriate way.

I'm sorry. It really is awful. I hope you also have some support.

I didn't mean to play down what happened, obviously telling a child in the way OP did wasn't great but the difference here is she recognises that it wasn't and I'm sure will never make that mistake again.
That's very different from people who do deliberately "weaponise" their children to punish an ex partner.

@Betrayed89
I won't comment on the what happened, but I do think you need to be prepared for your child to talk to his dad about it, and for there to be repercussions. I'm sorry.

A difficult situation but don't beat yourself up. Your DH caused this by cheating. Tell DC his Dad loves him but don't tell him his Dad is a good person, because he's not. Don't lie to your son. You need to be pragmatic now. Gather together bank statements, pension documents for both you and DH, marriage certificate and get yourself to see a solicitor. They will give you an idea of what you will be entitled to. Also think about how this will affect your son. How will you do shared care with DH? Will DH want shared care? If so would he agree to what you suggest? These are conversations to be had after DS is in bed asleep.

I think you behaved appallingly. I can very much understand the shock and hurt after such a discovery - I’ve been there myself. But as a mum you have a responsibility to safeguard your child, and not cause them unnecessary upset. Sometimes that means we have to rein in our emotions, as difficult as that can be. There really is no excuse for dragging a six year old into the middle of this, and it very likely will be a memory that stays with him.

I am not ignoring his dad’s role in also causing upset/unsettling his life. I am now divorced for the very same reason. But it was important to me to make it as calm a process as possible for the children - my H cheated on me, not them.

Sorry? Your husband has already introduced his affair partner to your son?

You know, I'm 45.
I cannot forget how my narcissistic, emotionally abusive mother walked into the room and asked me whether she should divorce my (emotionally abusive) father. I was 5.
Over it now, father long time gone, mother of 80 in another country, as lonely as a fence post.
😕

No, the OPs spineless husbands actions will have an effect on the child. Not the OP and her reaction.

Yes - I am 42. I have a very clear memory in the mid 80s of my dad dramatically throwing clothes into a suitcase and me standing there in PJs and dressing gown saying “Mum what is happening? Is Dad leaving us?” and my mum saying equally dramatically “Well I don’t know - you ask him”. I would have been about 7. And pleasing with my dad not to leave and him saying “talk to your mother about it”.

They are still together 🙄

I blame my mother as much as my father for that particular memory. I can’t fathom how a mother could put their child in that situation.

Their marriage fucked me up and I draw a direct line from what I observed in their relationship to what I tolerated in my marriage to my abusive exH. I hope I do better for my own kids.

The OP’s reaction will absolutely impact her child @BarbsAllotment and probably already has unless she takes quick smart corrective action to woman up and protect her child.

It’s not fair, her husband sounds like a shitbag but she’s the mum and you put your kids first.

I’ve never sat my kids down and told them I left daddy because he hit me. They are 5 & 9. They don’t need to know.

@Betrayed89 it’s out of the bag now. I think keep life as normal as possible for child so he feels secure as possible and that nothing is going to change on a day to day level (same bedtime, school routine etc). Obviously you will have to work out a lot with his Dad but if you can keep child’s life on an even keel at least while you make decisions then that backs up all that you said around ‘dad still loving them’ etc. You had an awful shock. And don’t let Dad detract from his being the guilty party here for having an affair!

You were wrong to involve your son and you had control over that just as you had the control to decide to look at his phone. However the truth is now out there , concentrate on being the best parent you can going forwards.

It's on his dad to re assure him tbh.
You can reassure him that you'll always be his mummy and love him etc but any questions about daddy need to be answered by daddy who created this mess.

Sorry you're going through this I promise there is a happy life ahead in your future xxx

It can be repaired he's not broken forever due to this one day

Don't blame yourself, OP. This situation is your husband's doing. Six year olds are resilient, as long as you keep explaining it in terms he can understand I'm sure he will be OK. And it's very good of you to stress that his Daddy still loves him.

It's time for you to get angry OP, with your "D"H. I think you're putting that off. Best of luck.

What screams out at me in this post is not so much the cheating but the way you write about your actions/comments towards your son. I think that shows that your first and foremost your concern is towards your son then you. We all make mistakes, it's done now x

You made a mistake however your H made a lot of conscious decisions that ended with him cheating!
Don’t defend this man to your DS. Carrying on being the best Mummy to him but your responsibility stops there!

Sorry this has happened to you x

Of course it can be repaired. Children are incredibly resilient. It could arguably worse if he was 13 years old and not 6.

When I was 6 my father nearly died in front of me, my mother was screaming, blood everywhere, ambulance arrived, all hell breaking loose. I was taken to my best friend's house whilst my mum spent the night at the hospital.

Do you know what I remember most about that night? It's sharing a bedroom with my best friend with both of us giggling and messing around and not being told off by her parents.

Because @ginasevern you were repaired by the fact that you were taken into a stable home with safe people that you trusted and presumably your dad made a full recovery and life went back to normal. I’m not sure how you think this is analogous to what the OP’s son has experienced and how this experience could fuck him up if it’s not handled incredibly catefully.

My kids are in therapy to process their father’s lack of emotional regulation. He never harmed them directly but they heard his screaming and shouting and it had a profound effect on them. The therapist told me that if DS didn’t process it in a healthy way he would be a high risk of self harm as a teenager. Kids are not “resilient” - they need safety and stability.

We all do stupid things in the heat of the moment, there’s no point worrying about what happened because you can’t change that and that’s ok, forgive yourself. The only thing that matters now is how your son is protected and his needs are net going forward, leave your feelings in the past where they belong concentrate on the future and how you can help your little lad.

My father lived but sadly did not make a full recovery and my mother had what used to be termed as a nervous breakdown. I was therefore sent from age 6 to boarding school. Everyone agrees that children need safety and stability but that is very often not the case. None of us live in a fairytale whether children or adults and I do think some resilience is essential because the world is a rough and unforgiving place. However, I appreciate that this is a highly unfashionable point of view.

I am truly sorry for the pain your family has been (is going) through and I hope the therapy is successful.