My son knows his father is cheating

[Betrayed89]

Last night I found out my husband of 14 years has been having a relationship with another woman. It came as a complete shock, I wasn't expecting it, and the moment I found out I can't even remember everything because I was so distraught. I collapsed, couldn't breathe, shaking and numb, then eventually was able to get words up to tell him that I had found the chats and nudes on his phone. Our 6yo son was in the same room when all this happened. I then told my son what his father was doing and that his father doesn't love me anymore and loves this other woman (whom my son knows as one of his dad's friends and I found out has already met her 😭). I wasn't even thinking when I told my son. I wish more than anything could take my words back. It's not fair on my poor baby to know any of this. It was honestly the worst moment of my life finding out this betrayal, I am so ashamed that I said anything to my son.
Since then I have been reassuring my son that this has nothing to do with him and that his Dad loves him soooo much and that just because his dad doesn't love me anymore changes absolutely nothing about how he feels about him. I told him that there is nothing he could ever do to make his dad not love him anymore. I keep telling him his dad is still a good person, he just made a big mistake.
Please please don't criticise me, I know how awful it was for me to involve our son like I did, please tell me I haven't screwed him up for life and he'll be okay 😭😭 I'm an absolute mess.
This other woman is also married with kids. I can't even believe this has happened. He has never been the cheating type.

Thanks @ginasevern they are doing really well, we are all happy.

I am so sorry about your parents and boarding school at 6! I do agree with you about resilience - my childhood certainly gave me that in spades and to be fair in some ways it has served me well. Too well in some contexts … I said to my therapist that I worried that I had low self esteem because I stayed with my ex so long. “I don’t think you have low self esteem” she said “I think you have an extraordinarily high pain threshold” … something I am working to unlearn!

Yes, exactly. There’s no way OP is going to do this again. It was done in a moment of huge stress - I don’t see that as ‘weaponising’ DC.

Sorry but cheating on its own is not abusive. That’s utterly ridiculous

There seems to be a very high tolerance to cheating on this thread which is interesting.
Having been cheated on I can tell you that it is a horrible experience and totally flips your world upside down.
And surely long term cheating which involves lying to your partner and sneaking around behind their back is surely a form of emotional abuse??

But you don’t involve your 6 year old. Absolutely disgusting behaviour to involve a 6 year old the way she did.

Oh my that poor kid.

Your husband is a scumbag, but how you do you load that onto a 6 year old?

Don’t be so hard on yourself op

You are the better person here. Your dh caused this and you are the one left with guilt yet it was him who had no decency or integrity.

ok it wasn’t right in front of your son but keep him distracted and things bright and breezy while you get through this

so sorry you have to go through this pain. He’s a pig

Don't be so dramatic, she didn't "load" anything on to her 6 year old. She made a mistake in the heat of the moment, recognises this and sounds like will do her utmost to fix it.
Her child is 6. What he will remember is what happens from here on and, if the shitty situation is handled well, with mature, civil communication between all parties he will be fine.

The child is a literally an afterthought in your post. It scares me the OP is going to be swayed by answers like this.

100% I am revealing too much here, but here goes.

This thread is bringing back deeply unpleasant memories of being dragged into a vicious (verbal) fight between my parents when I was only 8. Not just overhearing it. Not just sensing the atmosphere before and after. Literally being in the middle and being asked to participate. I can't go back in time and advocate for that kid, but I can advocate for this one.

OP, you fucked up but I won't exaggerate it - it didn't break me. I have a happy marriage and healthy relationships now. I view my childhood as largely positive (to be honest any negative feelings from my childhood come from the poverty, not this one event). And I have good relationships with both of my parents.

However, speaking to you now as the child who was in that position - you are not the priority any more. Your piece of shit husband is not the priority any more. The nasty piece of work who stuck her claws into a married man is not the priority any more.

Your son is.

Yea I fully agree with this. You and your husband have to completely put your son first, and make sure he is not involved/overhears anything going forward.
I was also a child in the middle of this and it has had a profound affect on myself and my older brother. The things we seen were horrific and the lies we had to listen to from both parents were so nasty. Fast forward to now we all have a great healthy relationship, even my parents. My father is still with the OW who my mother gets on very well with 🤷‍♀️
All is not lost but save your son the heartache that many of us have went through before!
BTW your husband is a POS!

He knows because you made the choice to tell him, heat of the moment isn’t an acceptable excuse, this conversation and reaction did not need to happen in front of your child.

I was asked at the age of 6 how I’d feel if my husband had behaved the same way my dad did and it set up a sad childhood of being dragged into their drama and has made me so casual to the concept of cheating as I’ve been constantly exposed to it and as a result have let myself be treated so sadly.

I wish my parents had received the support they needed like counselling and mediation to be able to put their children first. I wish they’d talked positively about each other as parents and reassured us it wasn’t anything to do with us. I wish we’d have been able to say something about one to the other without having it made negative or having our feelings dismissed. I wish they’d followed through with that by not becoming incredibly selfish and prioritising new relationships over making sure their children’s basic needs were met.

You know what you’ve done is bad (and your husband is obviously a knob) but it all rests on how you both move forwards from here. Wishing you lots of love and strength.

Not OP's fault her husband cheated. DH did this to her and the kid.

No, she chose to behave that way in front of her child and scream about all the things that the dad had done. No one made her do that.

People cheat. Mine did. It’s awful. But not one part of me wanted to inflict it onto my kids. I would never have stood there detailing it to my children.

@WarshipRocinante Where does it say she "screamed" at her child? And where are the details of how she behaved?
Can we stop shaming this mum now?

Very unpopular advice but your child will need to learn what happen unless you plan to stay married and brush it under the carpet.
Six year old will ask why parents don't live tovether anymore.
Should OP lie to her own son to protect cheating husband?
No.
Child will be hurt by divorce anyway.
Yeah, dad likes another woman more than he likes mum so we cannot live together but dad still loves you.
Done.
If DH didn't want his son to think bad about him he should not have shagged another woman and destroyed his marriage. It's quite simple.

What's it like being perfect? Poor OP just had the worst day of her life and lost her shit for a moment. Leave her alone. Insane to hold her accountable for the misery her husband inflicted on her and DS.

Collapsed crying, shaking, numb. Then started getting words out. All while the child was in the room. Do you think she calmly spoke? Or do you think it was more hysterical than that?

Even if it is the worst day of your life, you just don’t bring your kids into it like that. There is a reason parental alienation isn’t allowed. Not for the parents, but for the well-being of the child. They obviously have to tell their child they are splitting up, but in an age appropriate way with age appropriate detail. Not having him stand there while his mum collapses, cries, shakes and starts spouting out all the things his dad has done.

Sorry but I literally don’t care about either adult in this situation; just about the child. There are defining moments in childhood and this may very well be one for this poor 6 year old.

OP needs to put aside her own issues and feelings and concentrate on repairing the damage to their child.

Same here.

I was slightly older 7-8. My mum actually took me to the woman's house and told me that is where my dad was etc. She told me everything. I used to write my dad hate letters etc. It was awful.

I have gone on to have lifelong issues with relationships and trust issues. I've had to have therapy etc.

I'm luckily mid 30s now and in a very loving relationship where he has helped me and been very patient with me.

I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this trauma OP, your whole world must feel like it's fallen apart. Your husband is disgusting to betray you this way.

Stop beating yourself up - when you told your son you were in massive shock and not thinking clearly. I too have experienced that moment of finding out and it is absolute agony and totally traumatising, so please give yourself a break.

Also, if your son is affected by this I think we can safely say it is entirely your husband's fault for cheating in the first place! You didn't do it, HE did. And he betrayed both of you - you AND you son, because by cheating he put his son's whole family life at risk. He selfishly put his needy penis ahead of his own son's well being in his list of priorities. He's a total shit and you don't deserve this. I'm so sorry you are starting down this long and painful road. You don't believe it now but one day you will start to feel better bit by bit, just be kind to yourself along the way.

I do think the issue is how the child's father will present this situation in any access negotiations. The OP really has to think about what the child tells other people about it.

Op I've been through a horrendous divorce and court battle with my exh but you absolutely cannot drag your child into this conflict. You can't change what's in the past but you will most likely have other occasions where you get extremely angry or upset about something with your child there so you need to make a plan on how to deal with it.

I'd receive horrible messages, or get solicitors letters through the post with allegations about me that would leave me literally shaking and sick after reading them but I had to put a face on for my young child and deal with it once they were in bed. It was so fucking hard but it's so important.

I am really sorry that you are going through this op . Please for all of the posters that have piled on to criticise her - stop or leave this thread .

She accepts that she didn't react in the best way and that is why she has created this thread . She has already owned it .
Please take the advice of those that are trying to support you here and hopefully in real life .

You were in shock when you discovered your husband's affair . Looking back in hindsight you may consider that you would have done more to protect your son . But you were reeling from the discovery . Your husband had all the control and was aware of the deceit beforehand and you weren't .

Those that have had to deal with a devastating shock as one of the earlier posters above said , will instinctively go into survival mode and won't be in a calm and cool headspace to think about what is best, they will simply react .

Also as some of the earlier posters have also stated PTSD is a possibility after discovering an affair . So please look after yourself and in turn you will be able to look after your child .

Divorce / separation is very difficult for adults to navigate and I wholeheartedly agree that what is best for children has to be the main consideration going forward .

I also think it is really useful for any adults in this position to hear accounts from those that have had to deal with this as children . However , this is not the time for the OP who is in shock and is devastated by this discovery . Perhaps do this in a separate thread .

Please be kind and supportive to any friends and family who are going through this . It is not the time in the immediate aftermath to lecture / coach them on how you would have done things so much better .

I very much agree with pp advising you not to beat yourself up about this. You were in massive shock.
It wasn't ideal telling your son but it's how you handle it going forward that is important now. Whereas it seems fine to reassure your son his father still loves him I agree with the pp who advised you not to keep telling him his father is a good man. It is confusing for the child and is obviously not true.
Also, as pp have said , it is your DH who has caused this situation by his behaviour. It is not up to you lie for him. Your son had to find out at some point and you can't turn the clock back. Going forward in a supportive and loving way is.

A dreadful time for you. A situation not of your making. I hope you also get support from your family and friends.

No, I won't leave the thread, and don't you dare tell me to stop advocating for an innocent six year old.

I sympathise with OP, but she's an adult with agency, freedom of movement, and the freedom to choose what she does or doesn't say to her 6 year old.